I don’t consider myself to be an over-the-top addicted spots fan but it doesn’t keep me from still loving baseball. For me it is the All-American sport even more so than the NFL or the NBA. Playing baseball gave me some of the best times of my life even though I still have a hard time watching it on television. It’s more fun to actually play than to watch. I’ve followed many players over the years that had fantastic stats but one player in particular just always made me smile. That was Yogi Berra, a man who has been quoted over and over again for decades with his famous brand of humor. Here is a short selection of some of his thoughts and comments that will certainly entertain you.
“You can observe a lot just by watching.”
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.”
“I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.”
“You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.”
“A nickel isn’t worth a dime today.”
“Nobody goes there anymore – it’s too crowded.”
“You give a hundred percent in the first half the game, and if that isn’t enough, in the second half you give what’s left.”
“I made a wrong mistake.”
“Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel.”
“I never blame myself for not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, I know it isn’t my fault that I’m not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?”
I thought today since its rather comfortable and cool I should leisurely look through my archives for a few dirty jokes to make you smile. We are expecting a rather nasty heat wave heading our way and I won’t be smiling much longer. Also, these are really just off-color jokes rather than the plain old filthy and dirty jokes I’ve posted previously.
A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on his porch in his favorite rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down. “Grandpa, what the hell are you doing?”, he asked. The old man looked off in the distance and didn’t answer him. “Grandpa, what are you doing sitting here naked below the waist?, he asked once again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a really stiff neck. This was your grandma’s idea.”
Q. What’s the difference between your wages and a penis? A. You don’t have to beg your girlfriend to blow your wages.
A wife went to see her therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, Doctor.” Every time we’re in bed and my husband has an orgasm, he lets out an earsplitting yell.” My dear, the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.” The problem is dammit, it keeps waking me up.”
There are three girls, and their boyfriends who all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames. The first stated, “I call my man Seven Up.” They asked her, “Why do you call your man that?” She says, “Because he has 7 inches and it’s always up.” They then asked the second girl what she calls her man. She says, “I call my man Mountain Dew.” Why on earth do you call him that?” She says, Because he likes to mount and do me.” They then asked the third girl the same question and she replied, “I like to call my man Jack Daniels.” They look at her in a puzzled way, Why do you call your man that? Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!” She stated emphatically, “EXACTLY!”
Todays post contains a modest collection of ethnic Irish humor. The jokes are quite lame and unfortunately the limericks are quite tame. Since I have a few Irish ancestors hiding in my family tree, I feel obligated to share some of their humor with you. And not to ignore the obvious Irish traits and traditions, I’ll be drinking a glass of excellent Irish whiskey as I type this post. And before anyone asks . . . no, I don’t have red hair.
Lets start with a few one liners.
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He was a terrible wreck and his trembling hands told the whole story. “Tell me,” asked his doctor, “do you drink much?” “Deed I don’t. Sure I spill most of it.”
“That will be five pounds or a month in jail,” the judge said sharply. “Very well, sir,” said Flaherty, “I’ll take the five pounds.”
Then there was the Irish shopkeeper who said his eggs were so fresh the hens hadn’t missed them.
Here a a couple of true Irish limericks.
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A lovely young maiden of Kilglass,
Who wore intimate garments of brass.
Pat, one night on the porch,
With an acetylene torch,
Just melted her resistance, at last!
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A western young lady named Flynn,
Would tell of her plans with a grin,
“I intend to be bold,
In manner untold,
For there’s need of original sin.”
And last but not least, some pithy Irish sayings for your pleasure.
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Then there was the Irishman who was asked the difference between an explosion and a collision. “In a collision,” he replied, “there you are but in an explosion where are you?“
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She was only a whiskey maker’s daughter but he loved her still.
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A notice in a Galway newspaper some years ago is worthy of preservation: “Because of a lack of space a number of births have been held over until next week.”
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The police department magazine in Dayton, Ohio, once carried the following ad: For sale, second-hand tombstone, excellent buy for someone name Murphy.
I’ve had the fortune or misfortune to live for almost 8 decades. Each decade had interesting points and just as many that were anything but. The 1950’s and early 1960’s meant very little to me because I was just a kid. Things got much more interesting in the late 1960’s where my real life education began. Free love and marijuana introduced me to a number of interesting things which made my life much more pleasant. The 1970’s introduced me to the work force and a lot of fun disappeared overnight. When the 1980’s arrived things once again became interesting. Todays post is a short quiz concerning the Pop Culture of the 1980’s. Ten questions that should be easy to answer for those of us who survived the decade. Let’s see how you do. As always the answers are below.
1. __________ was one of the musical styles influenced by the 1980’s fashions?
2. The hit show Miami Vice was on what TV network?
3. What year did MTV first go on the air?
4. Other than Levi, what were the cool name-brand jeans in the 80’s?
5. The Afterschool Special appeared on what TV network?
6. __________ was Johnny Carson’s trusty sidekick for entirety of his show?
7. What year did the home video game industry crash?
8. Young people often called their portable cassette players __________ in the 1980’s?
9. __________ and __________ were the star actors on Miami Vice?
10. The Intellivision video game console was made by what company?
Loving the phone!
ANSWERS
Punk; New Wave; Heavy Metal; Rap/Hip Hop; Country, NBC, 1981, Guess, ABC, Ed McMahon, 1983, Boom Box; Ghetto Blaster, Don Johnson & Philip Michael Thomas, Mattel.
(Just for the official record I scored 7 out of 10.)
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local bars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by a woman. Many females are using a date rape drug on the market called “Beer.” The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply asks him to come home with her for some no-strings attached sex.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this Beer scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you just look up “Golf Courses” in the phone book
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A man walks into a bar and says “G-g-gimme a b-b-beer. The bartender says, “Seems as though you’ve got a major stuttering problem.” The man replies, N-n-no k-k-kidding!” The bartender says, “I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row, and I haven’t stuttered since!” The man says, “W-w-wow, th-th-that’s great to kn-kn-know” A week later, the same man returns to the bar, and says, “G-g-gimme a b-b-beer.” The bartender says, “Why didn’t you do what I told you?” “I d-d-did try”, said the man. “It j-j-just d-d-didn’t w-w-work. But I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really n-nice apartment.
AND TO MY BETTER-HALF AND ALL OF YOU OTHER BEER FANATICS
I really do try to avoid writing about politics and politicians. No matter what you write your going to piss off a great many people. I’ve always found politics to be a necessary evil but I avoid political discussions religiously and religious discussions politically. It can be a great source of humor which is it’s biggest selling point for me. I do miss the days of Marion Barry in DC and his constant stream of misstatements and BS. I prayed that he would eventually run for Congress and be elected because the shit-storm he could have caused would’ve had me laughing for years. In his honor I dedicate this post of some of his most incredibly stupid quotes and nose-sniffing behavior. It makes me very nostalgic.
“I’m providing you with a copulation of answers to several questions raised . . .”
“The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather.”
“I promise you a police car on every sidewalk.”
“I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria, or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?”
“What we have here is an egregemous miscarriagement of taxitude.”
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”
“There are two kinds of truth. There are real truths, and there are made-up truths.”
I am a great mayor, I am an outstanding Christian man, I am an intelligent man, I am a deeply educated man, and I’m a humble man.”
I’m feeling a bit rambunctious this morning which doesn’t happen as much as I’d like. There are lots of topics to discuss every day it seems but most aren’t worth my time. Since every person on the internet seems to be an effing expert on everything, I decided to step back and watch the fun as they continue to make fools of themselves. With that thought in mind I decided to share some rather borderline off-color humor today because I can. The online experts can kiss my ass and if what I post displeases them they can piss off and stop reading my blog. Enjoy . . .
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Two guys were getting drunk and horny at a bar. One said: “When I get home I want to give my woman a different kind of sex that’ll blow her mind”. The other suggested: “Why don’t you try rodeo sex?” “Rodeo sex, what’s that?” It’s when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair, pull her head back slightly and whisper quietly in her ear, “Your sister was better at this than you . . . and then try to hold on for the full 8 seconds!
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A guy had been dating a girl for over a year when he decided it was time to take their relationship to the next level. “How do you feel about sex?” he asked cautiously. “It’s fine,” she said, “as long as it’s infrequent.” He looked at her a bit puzzled.” Is that one word or two?”
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A girl picked up a guy at a nightclub and with her parents being out of town, seized the opportunity to invite him back to her home. When they got to her bedroom, he noticed that the room was filled with fluffy stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them: fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the window sill, fluffy toys on the floor, fluffy toys all over the bed, and fluffy toys on three rows of shelves. Later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked: “So how was it for you?” She said: “You can take anything from the bottom shelf.”
I’m pretty sure the title of this post will catch the attention of most readers. Sex seems to be the one unifying subject that everyone wants to hear about and discuss endlessly. I can only speak for myself, but I just love dirty jokes, the dirtier the better. I normally have less fondness for the milder sexual humor, but I plan on sharing some of that with you today. It’s not often that go “mild” so all of you overly sensitive types should enjoy these one-liners. I may never ever go this “mild” again so enjoy them if you can. I see a plethora of really dirty jokes in our immediate future so be patient.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
The couple next door has recently made a sex tape. Obviously, they don’t know that yet.
My ex-girlfriend would always ask me to text her when I got in. That’s how small my penis is.
Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
I’m hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to have orgasms. If you can’t come, let me know.
I always call out my wife’s name during sex . . . just to make sure she’s not around.
Men have only two emotions – hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
What’s the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot? The amount of time you’ll spend looking for it.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
My wife told me “Sex is better on vacation”. That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.
A man got onto a train and sat next to a woman reading a magazine on “Sexual Statistics. “Any good?” he asked. “Fascinating” she replied. “American Indians have the thickest penises and Polish men have the longest.” “Bye the way, I’m Jane.” “Hi” he said “I’m Tonto Kaminski.”
In my younger days I was a huge St. Patrick’s Day celebrator. The fun of green beer, green hair, and ultra-green hangovers slowed down considerably as I reached my 50’s. It was some of the most fun I ever had, and I sometimes still miss that kind of craziness in my life. I failed to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day this year due to distractions, but I hope to make up for that mistake today with this posting. I’m holding in my hot little hands a supply of Irish humor that I will be thrilled to share with everyone. It’s naughty but nice.
“Mr. Mullarkey,” said the chemist, “did that mudpack I asked you to try improve your wife’s appearance?” “It did surely, but it keeps falling off.”
The Irish missionary was preaching to the African tribe. “And I say to you that you must love your fellow men!” “Moolagumbi!” shrieked the natives. “White man and black man must learn to cooperate.” “Moolagumbi” chanted the crowd. The missionary was very pleased, and he told the chief how pleased he was with the reception. “I am glad, O Man of Ireland,” said the chief, “but be careful as we pass the cattle pen that you don’t step in the moolagumbi.”
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An advertisement that appeared in a Wicklow newspaper:
“Young farmer would like to hear from young woman with tractor
with a view to matrimony. Please send picture of the tractor.”
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A favorite Irish limerick:
A handsome young boyo named Pat,
With girls would enjoy this and that.
He meant to cuddle and kiss,
When he spoke about “this,”
Just guess what he meant by his “that.”
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“That will be five pounds or a month in jail,” the judge said sharply.
“Very well, sir,” said Flaherty, “I’ll take the five pounds.”
I’ve had a number of readers requesting another batch of jokes and humor from the 1980’s. As I compile these lists, I’ve discovered that they’re funnier today than they were when originally written. It just verifies that even low class and nasty humor lasts forever. Enjoy!
What is a barroom? An elephant farting in an elevator shaft.
How do you get even with the guy who’s trying to steal your wife? Let him have her.
What happens when you sit on wet cement? You get hardening of the farteries.
What does a gynecologist do when he’s feeling sentimental? Looks up an old girlfriend.
What do you call a lesbian who drives a delivery truck full of dildoes? A dick van dyke.
What’s worse than a piano that’s out of tune? An organ that stops working in the middle of a piece.
Why did the girl fail Sex Education? She couldn’t come for the oral exam.
How many straight New York waiters does it take to change a light bulb? Both of them.
Why is a fat girl like a moped? They’re both fun to ride until your friends see you.
What do you do when your girlfriend tells you to “kiss her where it smells?” Drive her to New Jersey.
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Here’s one that really hits home for those of us who grew up during the 60’s and 70’s.
everyuselessthing.com 