Archive for the ‘hilarious’ Tag
It’s just another weird and wonderful week here in Maine. So far, we’ve had a snowstorm, then an earthquake, then a windstorm, then some rain, and a dose of black ice for good measure. It’s no wonder I hate to leave the house. Today’s post is yet another visit through the “limerick time tunnel“. These limericks were probably compiled sometime in the mid 1970’s and then published in the early 1980’s. I love looking back to search for a few interesting and funny gems that need to be redistributed to the newer generations. Enjoy!
💥
There was a young girl from Berlin
Who was screwed by an elderly Finn.
Though he diddled his best,
And banged her with zest,
She kept asking, “Hey, Pop, is it in?”
💥💥
There was a young man from Dumfries
Who said to his girl, “If you please,
It would give me great bliss
If, while playing with this,
You would pay some attention to these!”
💥💥💥
There was a young fellow named Goody
Who claimed that he wouldn’t, but would he?
If he found himself nude
With a girl in the mood,
The question’s not would he, but could he?
💥💥💥💥
A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
🍀🍀🍀
LUVING THE 70’S
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
🐶👩🏻
- The family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of “boobies” are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20’s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions”? asked the son. “Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter asked, “Mom”, how many kinds of penises are there? The mother smiles and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20’s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and strong. In his 30’s and 40’s, it’s like a birch, flexible and reliable. After his 50’s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” queried the daughter. “Yes, “it’s dead from the roots up and the balls are for decoration only.
- Two guys were walking home from work one afternoon. “Shit,” said the first guy, “as soon as I get home, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties off!” “What’s the rush?” his friend asked. “The fucking elastic in these legs is killing me,” the guy replied.
- “The man was on the witness stand and the lawyer asked him, “What was my client doing that night? The witness said, “He was fucking!!” The judge told the witness, “You can’t say fuck in court.” So, the lawyer again asked the man, “”What was my client doing on that night?” “He was fucking your honor!!! The judge said to him again, “Listen, if you say fuck again, I’m going to hold you confined in jail for 30 days for contempt of court.” So, the lawyer rephrased his question and said, “Could you describe what my client was doing on that night?” The man thought quietly for moment and said this:
“His pants were down to his knees,
His ass was swinging in the breeze,
His you know what was in the you know where,
And if that isn’t fucking, you can give me the chair.”
If you had sex 365 times in one year and melted down
all the condoms to make a tire, what would you call it?
A FUCKING GOODYEAR
As I sit here this morning looking for inspiration for this post I received a text message from my grandson. He just received from his parents his first real phone and he immediately reached out to me with a typical text from someone his age (11). It consisted of about 60 rows of poop emojis with a short sentence, “My gift to you LOL.” I’m not sure why it is that kids love talking about farting and pooping exclusively but it seems to be something trending online as well these days. Tick-Tock is full of farting individuals blasting away in crowded street scenes. I have to admit it’s incredibly funny and apparently poop humor starts at a very young age. Hoping that the “little shit” (no pun intended) will someday read this post and learn a few more disgusting facts about poop he needs to know.
- People often fart shortly after they die.
- The most germ laden place on your toilet isn’t the seat or even the bowl. It’s the handle.
- The average healthy adult expels between 100 and 200 grams, almost half a pound, of feces every day.
- More than 6.5 million Americans have fecal incontinence – the inability to control the passage of stool – and most of them are women.
- Americans used 36.5 billion rolls of toilet paper every year, which represents at least 15 million trees.
🧻🧻🧻
- Most people produce 1 to 4 pints of gas and pass it approximately 14 times per day.
- The foul odor of flatulence comes from intestinal bacteria as it releases gases that contain sulfur and, in some cases, methane, one of the greenhouse gases responsible for global warming.
- Adolf Hitler suffered from chronic flatulence, for which he took anti-gas pills.
- 40% of the world’s people have no toilet, and must use the bathroom in any public place they can find: bushes, roadsides, alleys, etc.
- In a humid environment like the bathroom, a single bacterial cell can multiply into 1 billion cells overnight.
🚽🚽🚽
Well, there you have it folks, everything you never wanted to know about poop and its related activities. And a special thanks to my grandson (the poop specialist) for his inspiration.
💩GO, GO, GO💩
I went out early this morning to do a little food shopping and I noticed something that’s been bugging me for a while now. It seems to me that people these days are just criminally boring. One of the few pleasures that I’ve had over the years has been locating and reading funny bumper stickers. Those types of bumper stickers are damn hard to find anymore and I’m not sure why. I guess we can thank the WOKE generation for all of those good influences (that was sarcasm). The only thing you see these days are decals on their rear windows telling the entire world how many kids they have, what pets they have, what sports they like, and what schools they attend. It’s like a shopping list for perverts and pedophiles.
One of my favorite things when I purchased a new car was to always find just the right bumper sticker. Many years ago, I purchased a cute little orange Gremlin. It was a cool little car, and I immediately chose an appropriate bumper sticker that said, “Honk If Your Horny.” I received lots of comments from a variety of people and it was always good for a chuckle or two. I once loaned that car to my sixty-five-year-old very Catholic mother for her weekend shopping trip to Pittsburgh. When she got home, she couldn’t wait to tell me how friendly the people in Pittsburgh were because they were honking and waving to her wherever she went. I didn’t have the heart to tell her about the bumper sticker, but she eventually found out. Funny, she never asked to borrow that car again.
I just never see those interesting kind of bumper stickers anymore. Here are a few samples of bumper stickers that are still out there but they’re few and far between. Most drivers these days are deathly afraid of offending someone. So, with that being said, here are a few you might enjoy but be careful about who you show them to, they might get offended.
I’m looking for true love, but I’ll settle for cheap sex.
Ask me if I care.
Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go everywhere.
Love is a four-letter word.
If your phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.
See Dick drink. See Dick drive. See Dick die. Don’t be a dead Dick.
Nobody’s ugly after 2 A.M.
Fight Crime. Shoot Back.
Ask me. I might.
It is as bad as you think, and yes, they are out to get you.
HAPPY MOTORING
I always make a point of searching out odd facts from as many sources as possible. Today’s list is what this blog is really all about, totally useless information and totally useless statistics. Some are humorous and some are silly but never doubt my ability to come up with useless information that has absolutely no value whatsoever.
- Thirty-nine percent of women who think their legs are fat still wear short skirts.
- In seventy-five percent of American households, the women manage the money and pay the bills.
- If the population of China began walking past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
- There is a lawsuit filed every thirty seconds in the United States.
- Approximately 30,000 Americans are injured by toilets every year.
- Forty-five percent of cat owners buy holiday gifts for their pet.
- A four-year-old child asks an average of 437 questions a day.
- The average American spends eight years of his life watching television.
- The average human produces 50,000 pints of spit in a lifetime – the equivalent of two small swimming pools.
- The average person over the age of 50 will have spent a year of their life looking for lost or mislaid items.
“I think about this fact every time I eat a gummy.”
The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
🥇🥇🥇
“On the whole, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.”
(The last words of W.C. Fields)
It’s a slow day here in Maine, it’s raining, it’s gray, and I need something to make me smile. I decided to share some of those things with you. Enjoy!
- A couple just got married, and on the night of their honeymoon before making passionate love, the wife tells the husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” The husband, being shocked, replies, “How is this possible? You’ve been married three times before.” The wife responds, “Well my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was . . . Oh, do I ever miss him!
- An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden, the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells, “SUPER PUSSY!” The old man says, “I’ll just have the soup.”
- The old man went into the confessional and told the priest, “Father, I’m 81 years old and married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to 2 18-year-old girls. Twice!” “I see,” said the priest. “When was the last time you were in confession?” “Never”, Father,” replied the old man, “I’m Jewish.” The priest asked, “So why are you telling me about it?” The man answered, “Hell, I’m telling absolutely everyone!”
- Thor, the God of Thunder, assumes mortal form, comes down to earth on a Friday night and goes to a singles bar. He ends up going home with a beautiful woman and they spend the weekend in her place making passionate love, over and over again. Come Monday morning, Thor decides to reveal his true identity, saying, “I am Thor!” The woman looks at him and replies, “”Your thor! I’m so thor I can hardly pith.”
Q. What doesn’t belong in this list: meat, eggs, wife, blow job?
A. Blow job: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can’t beat a blow job.
ARE YOU SMILING YET?
Being a former police officer has gone a long way to make me skeptical of virtually every person I talk to. I’ve mellowed over the years but in my dealings with people I’m still very careful. I decided recently to clean out some old files from cabinets in the man cave and a lot of that material was collected during my years as a cop. The following items are actual statements made to traffic accident investigators by drivers who caused the accidents. These are all actual statements made on actual police reports by actual lunatic drivers. Read them, enjoy them, and please don’t use them if you ever have an accident.
- “A pedestrian hit me and went under my car”.
- “The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.”
- “I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.”
- “I was taking my canary to the animal hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and there was a crash.”
- “I saw the slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.”
- “An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.”
- “The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I with my right front bumper removed his left rear taillight.”
- “In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
- “I pulled away from the side of the road glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.”
- “The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”
- “I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became smashed.”
🚓🚔🚓
BE CAREFUL OUT THERE
I occasionally make good-natured fun of women. Admittedly they can be funny as hell but it’s more of an excuse for me to irritate my better-half. Guess what? It works every time. She never fails to try and even the score in any number of ways but even then, I find her attempts at humor even funnier. Today’s post contains a lot of one-liners that will make most of my women readers smile and possibly giggle. The guys may cringe a little and call me an ass but IDC. If you can’t laugh at yourself, you’re beyond help anyway.
- What is a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
- Why do men name their penises? Because they don’t like the idea of a stranger making ninety percent of their decisions.
- What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don’t fit right in the crotch.
- Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is coming.
- Why do only 10% of men go to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be hell.
TEN THINGS MAN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
1. They have pussies.
2 – 9 ???
10. They have breasts too.
- What’s the difference between a penis and a prick? A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying. A prick is the guy who owns it.
- What is the one thing that keeps most men out of college? High school.
- Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Because breasts don’t have eyes.
- How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, men will screw anything.
- What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
HEAR THEM ROAR !
I’m trying desperately to remain cool here in my man-cave. Our house is not airconditioned so needless to say I’ve been spending most of my time in my cave which is so much cooler than the upper floors. I’ve located fans all around to help keep my computer system from overheating and it also helps to have a fridge nearby filled with cold beer, chilled wine, and icy cold water. I’ll remain here until the weather breaks or until hell freezes over, whichever comes first.
So, let me think. What could possibly make a hot and steamy day better? Hmm! Raunchy limericks immediately come to mind, and I intend to share a few with you.
Three cheers for the year “69”,
A year of erotic design.
It suggests a position
For oral coition,
Which suits nonvegetarians just fine.
💥ARE YOU FEELING COOLER YET? 💥
There was a young man from Ann Arbor
Whose cock was cut off by a barber.
In great consternation,
He said, “Masturbation
Will henceforth be very much harder.”
💥ITS GETTING FROSTY IN HERE! 💥
There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who professed to lack sexual feeling.
But a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris,
And she had to be scraped from the ceiling.
💥WHERES MY PARKA AND GLOVES? 💥
A scientist from Russia named Adam
Took a pot shot at splitting the atom.
He blew off his penis,
And now, just between us,
Is known in the Kremlin as Madam.
😁🤪🙃😎🥰😂😏
WE’RE JUST TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL!
How is your memory? Can you remember all of the nursery rhymes from your childhood? Most of them were kind of lame and luckily after a long period of time they’re lost from memory. Today I’ll supply you with three 21st century versions of some of the old rhymes that you can carry around in your memory banks for a decade or two. I actually enjoy these rhymes way more than all of those old and tired ones from my childhood.
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too – he was funny that way.
😜😜😜
Jack and Jill went up the hill
For just an itty bitty.
But Jill’s two months overdue
And Jack has fled the city.
😁😁😁
🤪🤪🤪
Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ass
And turned its wool to nylon.
😕😕😕
I NEVER REALLY LIKED MOTHER GOOSE
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