I’m feeling somewhat indifferent today. I got up early, had a cup of really godawful coffee which is not a good way to start any day. My lack of interest was exacerbated by the few things I had to accomplish. For those of you that don’t know I drive a 2008 Smart car. It’s a small vehicle on a good day but it’s the only delivery vehicle I have. Here in Maine, we recycle bottles and cans and today was the day for me to cash in all those nickels. I checked my garage and to my surprise I had 7 large bags containing 420 bottles and cans. I then loaded up my Smart car with all seven bags. Every window in the car except for the windshield was partially blocked. I managed to fit everything into the car leaving just enough room for my oversized ass. I had to travel approximately ten miles to the redemption center, and I looked ridiculous. It’s hard to look inconspicuous when you’re driving what appears to be a giant garbage bag with headlights and a windshield. Apparently, the police officer who then stopped me thought it was hysterically funny as well. There were no citations issued but we both had a few laughs about the situation. I hadn’t broken any laws, had all of the required mirrors, and he sent me on my way by standing on the berm and laughing his ass off. Just so you know I cashed in the bottles and cans and then walked next door to the liquor store. I’ll be opening that bottle of gin later because this day has got to get better. Only limericks can raise my spirits and get my day back on track. Here’s two . . .
I thought since it’s another gray, wet, and crappy day I’d get lazy and throw a collection of useless information your way. There’s no rhyme or reason just a whole lot of nonsensical facts.
Odd Newpaper Headlines
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Ridiculous Newspaper Classified Ads
For Sale: Two wire-mesh butchering gloves, one 5 finger, one 3 finger, pair $15.00.
To those of you who were alive in the 1960’s, you know what a strange time it was not only for the country but for each of us individually. Free love, drugs, rock & roll, and anti-war fever made for interesting relationships and all the craziness you could possibly handle. I have to say I enjoyed the hell out of it. With that in mind I’m offering up a few limericks from the early sixties that you might find interesting. Put on your bell-bottoms and roll up a “J” and enjoy.
Since everyone should be well rested after their Labor Day festivities, I thought I’d reintroduce a Sex Quiz from an unusual joke book published in 1984. It’s a bit difficult but I’m sure all of you will be able to deduce the correct answers (True or False). It’s funny and ridiculous but then so were the 1980’s. Here we go . . . .
🍩🍆🍩
A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
A fallopian tube is a part inside a television.
A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
Fellatio is an Italian dagger.
Anus is a Latin word denoting a long period of time.
Cunnilingus is a person who can speak four languages.
A condom is an apartment complex.
Masturbate is something used to catch large fish.
A wet dream is dangerous if you sleep under an electric blanket.
A vulva is a Swedish automobile.
A vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble.
A clitoris is a type of flower.
KOTEX is a radio station in Dallas, Texas.
Testicles can be found on an octopus.
A rectum is what you are for doing this test. LOL
For those of you who were stumped by the quiz I’ll add a short joke to make you feel better about yourself. If you don’t understand the joke, call a friend.
John was a seventy-seven-year-old man and decided it was time for one last final fling. So, he went out and hired himself a buxom and luscious prostitute for a last night of pleasure. It was a spectacular and pleasurable night, and he slept like a log upon returning home. Three weeks later he felt a growing pressure and pain in his groin and immediately rushed back to the doctor’s office, insisting on an immediate consultation. The doctor examined him thoroughly, then asked a rather personal question. “Have you been with a woman anytime recently?” John smiled proudly and confessed the truth. “Well, said the doctor, you’d better go find her right away, ’cause you’re about to come!”
The mistaken use of a word in place of a similar sounding one, often with unintentionally
amusing effect, as in, for example, “dance a flamingo” (instead of flamenco).
Today’s posting will be a shout out to all of those educators that spend so much of their time attempting to teach our younger generations anything. It’s a difficult job on the good days and it’s even worse on the bad days. I thought I’d list a selection of what are called malaprops taken from actual test papers and essays from some grade schoolers, high schoolers, and selected college examinations. These are things of beauty.
Women like to do things in circles, where they sew, talk, and do their meddling.
“Don’t” is a contraption.
Italics are what Italians write in.
The government of Athens was Democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.
Antarctica is like the regular Arctic, but ritzier.
He worked in the government as a civil serpent.
You purify water by filtering it and then forcing it through an aviator.
The doctor felt the man’s purse and said there was no hope.
The government of England is a limited mockery.
The first book of the Bible is a book of Guinness’s.
I think it’s likely that some of you may have gotten the wrong idea with the title I used for this post. Twisted in this context does not mean heavily sexual or bawdy. These limericks are written specifically for children, and they are a cross between limericks & tongue twisters. As a kid I loved tongue twisters and at a very early age whilst sitting through a number of sessions to correct a minor lisp I had, tongue twisters were one of the exercises that we were permitted to do to help us get control of our speech patterns. I know it sounds stupid, but it was even more stupid when you’re the one who was required to do it. Enjoy!
😊😊😊
She saw a seesaw at sea,
A shawl she was wearing, was she,
The sea shrank her shawl,
Till it shrank her shawl small,
To the seesaw she saw she said “Gee!”
😁😁😁
Louise is pleased by cheesy chicken squeezed with cheesy cheese,
Squeezy peasy chicken cheesy served to please Louise,
“To other chicken, phooey!
Even Chinese chicken suey,
More squeezy greasy peasy cheesy chicken, if you please!”
😋😋😋
Hannah from Havana grew bananas in Savanna,
A bonanza of bananas that had grown in her bandanna,
If you’ve read this blog at all you already know I’m a bit of a hoarder of adages, phrases, idioms, and anything else that interests me. Today I’ll supply you with a list of twenty-five of my favorite sayings. Some are quotes from well-known people, but most are ones that I picked up along the way from whoever was lucky enough to speak them to me. Maybe you’ll find a few that tickle your fancy or your funny bone or both. Enjoy.
Everyone Lies About Sex
Religious men are fools! Fools should be taken lightly.
A parent is a little kid pretending to be a big kid so his little kid won’t be afraid.
Being involved with two women is like playing pool on two tables. You may have enough balls for it but you’ll wear out your stick.
The ten best years of a woman’s life are between the ages of twenty-nine and thirty.
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
A yawn is a silent shout.
The great artists of the world are never Puritans, and seldom respectable.
They are no premature babies, only delayed weddings.
There’s always free cheese in a mousetrap.
Chastity is curable if detected early.
If Christian nations were nations of Christians, there would be no wars.
Colleges don’t make fools, they only develop them.
Common sense could prevent most divorces and all marriages.
It is not death that alarms me but dying.
A diplomat is a person who always remembers a women’s birthday, but never her age.
In wine there is truth.
He who hesitates is last.
It’s not the men in my life I worry about, it’s the life in my men.
A pessimist thinks all women are bad. An optimist hopes they are.
The ultimate rejection is when your hand falls asleep while masturbating.
Sex is only dirty, if its done right.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
I dedicate these limericks to all of the nurses I’ve known in my life and there’ve been a few. If there was ever a group that enjoyed naughty and lewd limericks, it’s them. Enjoy, all of you so-called nurse lovers.
I’m getting a late start today due primarily to my better-half and her shopping safari. I also just have to mention that wicked and evil nurse who sucked six tubes of blood from me earlier. Truthfully having the blood drawn was way less painful than being the assistant to the shopping fanatic.
All I’ve been hearing for the last few days is football, football, and more football. While I am a fan, it’s becoming a bit much even for me. Today’s limericks are sports related but I’m an equal opportunity spreader of humor. I’ll try for a few that aren’t about football.
A week or so ago I posted a collection of riddles which could be described as a bit raunchy. Much to my surprise the response was amazing. It appears that a little off-color humor is being appreciated by more people than just me. I’ll continue with a few more gems to tickle your fancy. Let’s time travel to 1984 . . .
How do you circumcise a whale? Send down fore skin divers!
Who was a heavyweight boxing champion with a flatulence problem? Gaseous Clay!
Why is credit like sex? Because the people who need it the worst can’t get it!
What happens if you don’t pull out in time? You get a parking ticket!
Why does an elephant have four feet? He’d look pretty silly with just six inches!
What would you call a sex change surgeon? A gender amender!
What does a mathematician do if he’s constipated? Works it out with a pencil!
How do you make holy water? Take some water and boil the hell out of it!
Why is sex better than bowling? The balls are lighter and you don’t have to change your shoes!
What’s the easiest way to get a little group sex? Use both hands!
everyuselessthing.com 