Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category

01/09/2022 Last Meals   1 comment

Starting off a new year requires me to be a little more inventive than usual. Over the holidays I acquired a few books loaded with odd and sometimes disturbing facts. It tickles my fancy to go to the morbid side of things every once in a while. Let me proceed to these three examples of last meal requests from soon-to-be executed murderers. It’s morbid but still interesting. Here we go . . .

Let’s start off with the big kahuna of serial killers, TED BUNDY.

This execution was scheduled for January 24, 1989, at the Florida State penitentiary. Bundy being the arrogant and hard to get along with individual refused to order a last meal. The prison brought him the standard meal of steak and eggs. He refused to eat them so they sent him to the electric chair on an empty stomach. Seems highly appropriate to me.

Next on the list is MARGIE VELMA BARFIELD.

This execution was dated November 2, 1984, at the central prison in Raleigh, North Carolina. As a last meal Barfield chose a “last snack “over a “last meal,” Selecting junk food as the last thing she would ever eat in this life. She enjoyed a last repast of Cheez Doodles and Coca-Cola and then marched off for her lethal injection. There’s no accounting for bad taste.

This final entry belongs to two friends who were also known as the “In Cold Blood” killers, EUGENE HICKOCK and PERRY SMITH.

This execution was scheduled for April 14, 1965, at the Kansas State penitentiary. The killer’s eyes were apparently bigger than their stomachs. As their last meal they ordered shrimp, French fries, garlic bread, and for dessert, ice cream and strawberries with cream. They didn’t touch a bite of it. They both went to the gallows on an empty stomach. Goodbye and good riddance.

Well, there you have it. These were just the first three of fifteen executions I have notes on, and I’ll post the rest periodically.

WHAT MEAL WOULD YOU REQUEST ?

(I think I’d request a plate of Spam fried rice and a jigger of Jack Daniels.)

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War Dims Hope for Peace

01/08/2022 More PC Nonsense   2 comments

I’m about to do something I don’t normally do. That is to distribute information received from what might be considered a disgruntled and unhappy reader. A while ago I received an e-mail from this reader accusing me of being a neoconservative Neanderthal because he disagreed with me on some of my comments concerning political correctness running amok. I can’t argue the Neanderthal crack, but I’m no neoconservative, nor am I an independent, Republican or Democrat. I’m just a regular guy who believes in the spirit of fairness and freedom of speech. With that in mind here’s the list he emailed me (tongue-in-cheek, I hope) of politically correct terminology I should be using. If he truly used any of these nonsensical terms, he is no doubt a friendless New Age moron. Oh, sorry if I’m being too harsh. What can you expect from an effing Neanderthal? Here they are, I hope you enjoy them as much as I didn’t.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MAN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

  • He does not have a BEER GUT – he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
  • He is not a BAD DANCER – he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
  • He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME – he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
  • He is not BALDING – he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
  • He is not a CRADLE ROBBER – he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
  • He does not get FALLING DOWN DRUNK – he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
  • He does not ACT LIKE A TOTAL ASS – he develops a case of RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.
  • He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG – he has SWINE EMPATHY.
  • He is not AFRAID OF COMMITTMENT – he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

  • She is not a BABE OR A CHICK – she is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
  • She is not a SCREAMER OR MOANER – she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
  • She is not EASY – she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
  • She is not DUMB – she is ON A DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
  • She has not BEEN AROUND – she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
  • She is not an AIRHEAD – she is REALITY IMPAIRED.
  • She does not get DRUNK OR TIPSY – she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
  • She is not HORNY – she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
  • She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS – she is PHYSICALLY ENHANCED.
  • She does not NAG YOU – she becomes OVERLY REPETITIVE.
  • She is not a SLUT – she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
  • She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS – she is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
  • She is not a TWO BIT WHORE – she is a LOW-COST PROVIDER.

Well, there you have it. A collection of foolish politically correct nonsense from a A-hole Millennial before he knew he was one. Hard to believe he actually spent time compiling this crap although he probably just got it from one of his Millennial buddies. Standing up for free speech can sometimes get you stuck doing something like this. I do apologize.

So Do Idiotic Morons.

ALL HAIL THE FIRST AMENDMENT

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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

01/02/2022 Future Predictions   Leave a comment

It would be a wonderful thing to have the ability to predict the future. I’m not one to predict anything because my range of knowledge on many things is severely lacking. In the past I’ve taken the lead from science fiction writers whose ability to predict many future things is scary and all too accurate. These following seven items from Time magazine are a little bizarre and show that any of us can make ridiculous predictions and be as wrong as everyone else has been.

In 1992, TIME magazine offered up an article predicting what to expect in the new millennium. Lance Morrow, a writer, quoting political scientist Michael Barkun, wrote, “The human mind abhors a vacuum … Where certainties are absent, we make do with probabilities, and where probabilities are beyond our power to calculate, we seek refuge from insupportable ignorance in a future of our own imagining.” Here is a roundup of some of the looniest predictions since the advent of TIME — the magazine, not the concept — in 1923:

  • The future human will be a Cyclops. “In distant centuries or millenaries man will be a Cyclops, a Polyphemus, a being with one eye only.” So said Dr. Thomas Hall Shastid in a 1933 article.” This future eye, explained Shastid, would be in the center of the face, below a high forehead, where the bridge of the nose once rested.
  • Grandchildren of the television age won’t be able to read.  TIME addressed the potential downsides of a newly television-obsessed culture. “By the 21st Century our people doubtless will be squint-eyed, hunchbacked and fond of the dark,” the writer predicted. “But why am I carrying on like this? Chances are that the grandchild of the Television Age won’t know how to read this.”
  • Every medical malady will be treatable with a miracle pill. 
  • “Frogmen” will live in underseas bunkers and tend to kelp farms. One way to address food shortages of the future, according to the RAND Corp. in 1966: imagined that “Huge fields of kelp and other kinds of seaweed will be tended by undersea ‘farmers’ — frogmen who will live for months at a time in submerged bunkhouses.”
  • Spouses will be able to secretly control one another’s moods with “grouch pills”. RAND predicted that if one spouse is in a particularly cantankerous mood, his or her partner, “will be able to pop down to the corner drugstore, buy some anti-grouch pills, and slip them into the coffee.”
  • Tomatoes will be square. The mechanization of agriculture during the middle decades of the 20th century will drastically change the face of farming. “Another phenomenon in the not-too-distant future,” envisioned the Research and Development Chief at Deere & Co., “is square tomatoes, which, after all, could be more easily packaged by machine — and fit better in sandwiches.”
  • We will be able to feel and smell whatever’s on our television sets. According to Nicholas Negroponte, then director of M.I.T.’s Media Lab, the 21st century will bring “full-color, large-scale, holographic TV with force feedback and olfactory output.” The images on your TV, in other words, will be feelable and smellable.

It boggles the mind that trustworthy publications and think-tanks would dare to put these crazy ideas into print. I suppose some people insist on getting their names and ideas out there for the public to ponder over. Any publicity is good publicity and helps them to attain their 15 minutes of fame.

WHAT PREDITIONS WOULD YOU MAKE ? ? ?

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IF YOU LIVED IN YOUR CAR,

YOU’D BE HOME NOW

12/30/2021 New Year’s Rant   Leave a comment

Another year of pandemic, bad economy, fake news from the media, bad this and bad that. I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted by it all. We can’t seem to trust anyone anymore about anything. I hope we don’t follow in the footsteps of our European allies. If the pandemic doesn’t kill them fast enough, they may start killing each other as they’ve done so often in the past. We don’t want to be dragged down that rabbit-hole again for any reason.

I’ve been hearing about how terrible the economy is all year and how those whiny retailers just never seem to have a good Christmas shopping season. Headlines like “Christmas Sales Fail to Meet Expectations” are the same every year it seems. Fortunately, this year a lot of that Black Friday nonsense before Thanksgiving didn’t happen and probably saved many people from being injured trying to get a big-screen TV into their shopping cart at Walmart.

It’s no wonder the people in this country are depressed after more than two years of the pandemic, mainstream media ranting and raving about every little thing, and presidential doom and gloom from Trump to Biden. We been beaten to our knees with a constant barrage of misinformation, innuendo, and outright lies.

I normally have a great deal of optimism for the future but that’s only true if the up-and-coming younger voters start looking and listening carefully at what they’re being told in the schools, universities, and everywhere else. They must learn the hard way how to teach themselves to recognize the truth when they see it and the lies when they hear them. Politics is an ugly game and has little or no mercy on the uninformed.

Things may not be great but it’s not the end of the world. It’s politicians attempting to propagandize the populace with crisis after crisis so we’ll throw the bums out and vote the other bums in. The pandemic is just one more thing in a long list of topics where we can’t rely on anyone to give us the whole truth. It’s an old and vicious game and we the voters continue to stick our heads in the sand and condone it year after year. Shame on us and shame on those responsible.

So much for the end of 2021. Good-bye and good riddance. I can only hope that things improve this coming year but don’t expect those irresponsible politicians, reporters, pundits, professors, and high school teachers to keep you and yours up to date with true facts. Read, research, ask the questions that need to be asked, and remain skeptical. It’s your duty as an American citizen to question your government, don’t hesitate. We can only hope 2022 will show some improvement and I think it will, if we don’t spend all of our time fighting amongst ourselves. If that continues, we’re all screwed.

Every Useless Thing will return on January 2, 2022.

GOODBYE 2021, WELCOME 2022

12/29/2021 New Year’s Quotes   Leave a comment

Happy New Year! I’m a little embarrassed at this point after surfing the net and reading through some books trying to find quotations that were based on the start of the new year. I couldn’t have been more disappointed. The following few quotations are just samples of the drivel and worthless quotes I discovered in my search. I sincerely apologize. We’d be better off making up our own quotations because no matter how bad we thought they might be, they’d be better than these. Read them and weep. If this is the best we can do, were in deep trouble.

  • “Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365-page book. Write a good one.” Brad Paisley
  • “Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.” Oprah Winfrey
  • “Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man.”  Benjamin Franklin
  • “We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.” Edith Lovejoy Pierce
  • “May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall!” Aleister Crowley
  • “The object of a New Year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul and a new nose, new feet, a new backbone, new ears, and new eyes. Unless a particular man-made New Year resolution, he would make no resolutions. Unless a man starts afresh about things, he will certainly do nothing effective.”  G.K. Chesterton

Now that I’ve given it some thought, here’s my quote:

HERE WE GO AGAIN, keep your head down, make no eye contact with anyone, maintain your social distance, and wear a freaking mask.

HAPPY COVID NEW YEAR

12/27/2021 Limericks by Azimov   5 comments

With Christmas now in my rear-view mirror, I can get ready for the coming New Year holiday and celebrations. I won’t be out-and-about myself, but I will have a toast at midnight with my better-half. That being said let me move onto something else that I happen to enjoy, limericks and Isaac Azimov.

I have always been a huge fan of Isaac Asimov. I’ve been reading his novels and articles for most of my adult life. Fortunately for me most of them are science fiction which is my absolute favorite material to read. Asimov was one of the most prolific writers in history. If I recall correctly, he wrote more than 200 novels and thousands upon thousands of novelettes, short stories, and articles in many areas of study. In short, he was amazing.

It wasn’t until 10 years ago that I discovered that one of his hobbies was writing rude and bawdy limericks. After finding that out, I was determined to obtain some of his limericks. I found a thrift bookstore online and after some searching through their inventory discovered a book published in 1978 that contained dozens and dozens of limericks by Azimov and his friend John Ciardi. The book is split into two sections, limericks by Asimov, and the other half are limericks by John Ciardi. It’s a battle of the limerick monsters and makes for some really enjoyable and hilarious reading. I’ll offer up for your entertainment today four of Asimov’s more sexy limericks. I hope you enjoy them because I sure did.

😁😁😁

Sex need not be at all conversational,

Without talking, it’s still inspirational.

But mind you’re not burned

For many have learned

The act can be baby-creational

😜😜😜

Said the husband, with smiling urbanity,

I possess penile super humanity.”

Said his wife,” But the score

Of his inches is four.

The rest of it’s just his insanity.”

😉😉😉

There was a young woman named Cora Lee

Who said,” I will do it immorally

On top and on bottom,

Any way that I’ve got’em,

Vaginally, anally, orally.”

❤❤❤

There once was an eager young nurse

Who felt that she had to rehearse

Every sexual joy,

Every hot little ploy,

To succeed in becoming perverse.

What better way to prepare for New Year’s than a few raunchy limericks? There’ll be many more to come in the new year.

2022 IS COMING – HELP! HELP! HELP!

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