Archive for the ‘funny’ Tag
Earlier this week I spent some time ridiculing attorneys and criminal witnesses as to their unbelievable stupidity. I wouldn’t want anyone to think for a minute that my posting was meant to be malicious, just funny and ridiculous. I thought today I would include in my musings the behavior of really stupid criminals who make their attorney’s look like geniuses.
You have to admit that people who choose a life of crime aren’t too bright to start with. The following stories are actual tales about actual stupid criminals arrested within the last few years. You just can’t make this stuff up. Many years ago in my rookie year as a police officer my partner told me some valuable words of police wisdom. Since he was my training officer and had almost twenty-five experience on the job I listened intently. His philosophy about police work was this, "If it wasn’t for the stupid fucking criminals we’d never catch anyone." Here’s a few of them that were caught.
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A stupid thief pled guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief told a passerby he was going to rob the store, gave the man a dollar, and asked him to go inside and buy a scarf to help him hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took the dollar, went inside the store… and called the police.
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During a high school break-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two really stupid burglars found a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When they couldn’t figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn’t loaded and left it behind. The men apparently didn’t realize they’d been fooling around with a digital camera that allowed police to downloaded the snapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects were quickly arrested.
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A woman reported her car stolen and mentioned there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the telephone and told the moron that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and was interested in buying the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
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A dumb ass criminal on trial for drug possession in Pontiac, Michigan, said he’d been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn’t need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher’s jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
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A 21 year old idiot, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. He gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later he was arrested because information on the screen showed a two-year-old armed robbery warrant from St. Louis, Missouri. A huge dumb ass.
What did I tell you? I guess my old training officer was right on the money with his advice. Some things are just wisdom for the ages.
I receive a few emails each week and unfortunately some of them are more than a little rude. The people who send those messages apparently don’t wish to have their user ID’s published in my Comments section. Every once in a great while I receive something that makes me smile and when that occurs I pass it along to you.
Recently I was sent the following information from an anonymous emailer. He claimed he likes reading my postings that contain quotations. He collected a few of his own from friends and other unknown sources and sent them along. In my opinion they seem more like bumper stickers than quotations but I’m forwarding them along on the side chance you’ll get a chuckle or two. I’m also really glad I don’t know any of this guys friends because some of these are sooooo freaking lame. Hold your nose with one hand and read on.
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A day without sunshine is like, night.
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I just got lost in thought and believe me It was unfamiliar territory.
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Some days you’re the dog, and some days you’re the hydrant.
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99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
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A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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I just read that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are merging. It’ll be called You-Twit-Face.
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Politicians and diapers need to be changed regularly, usually for the same reason.
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Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
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Birds of a feather flock together, and crap on your car.
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I can resist everything except temptation.
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If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
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Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.
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I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
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Born free, taxed to death.
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Smile, it makes people wonder what you’re thinking.
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In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
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Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but if you think about it, neither does milk.
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In order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don’t need it.
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Silence is golden… duck tape is silver.
The only one I really liked and appreciated was the last one on the list. For some reason that one just clicked for me. At first I laughed and then after thinking about it for a moment or two realized just how true it is and laughed again. Sometime it’s necessary to break up the day with a little silliness and that one did it for me.
So here’s a special thanks to Mr. Anonymous for his contribution. Next time send me some actual quotations because I love reading them too.
On a regular basis I use quotations to help me explain my opinions on things in a way easy to understand and most times humorous. These quotations can be from famous celebrities, educated teachers, and even the occasional politician who might have something interesting to say. The majority of the persons quoted are deceased which must make them much smarter than when alive. I can’t explain that but it seems to be true.
Comics like Mae West, George Carlin, and Richard Pryor were funny as hell before they died and for some reason many of their quotes are even funnier now. Maybe it’s just the person who’s doing the repeating of those quotes. The most under appreciated author of thousands of quotes and humorous thoughts is almost never properly recognized for his/her efforts in keeping us smiling and laughing. That person goes by two aliases, Unknown and Anonymous. Most of the truly profound quotes by this person are repeated often by many people in their everyday conversations and have been for years. Here’s an example of three:
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Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Anonymous
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There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
Unknown
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Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent.
Anonymous
We’ve heard these quotes for most of out lives although the wording may have changed a little as each decade slides by. They’re still funny and insightful from that ever present Anonymous philosopher. Wouldn’t you enjoy sitting with Mr. or Ms. Unknown/Anonymous for a lunch and follow up conversation? To laugh a lot and appreciate the humor and content of his/her thoughts for just a little while. Common sense seems to be a rarity these days and a person’s ability to communicate profound ideas and thoughts in a humorous way is the rarest gift of all. Here are a few more quotes for your enjoyment.
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9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Anonymous
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Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.
Unknown
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Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily as lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Unknown
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She’s been up and down more times than a whore’s drawers.
Anonymous
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A kiss: To a young girl, faith; to a married woman, hope; to an old maid, charity.
Unknown
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The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.
Anonymous
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Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
Unknown
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Ten percent of something is better than 100% of nothing.
Unknown
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Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
Anonymous
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It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
Anonymous
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Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
Unknown
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Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Unknown
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Don’t brake until you see god, then brake like hell.
Unknown
That list is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Who this Anonymous or Unknown genius is really isn’t all that important. It’s somehow getting his/her ideas out there for us to read, digest, and pass-on that is the important thing. I’ve always found myself drawn to the Anonymous quotes first because for me they represent all of us. The John Doe’s, the Jane Doe’s, and the John Q. Public’s, who seem to have more knowledge than expected and the secret ability to communicate without rudeness or condescension. It’s a true talent.
That being said here is maybe my all time favorite Anonymous quotation. Every time I read it I just smile. It tickles my funny bone and I’m not sure why. It might tell you a little more about me and my sense of humor and that’s okay too.
I know all of you are just sitting there and waiting for the answers to yesterday’s celebrity quiz. Here’s the complete list of celebrities with their aliases. How did you really do?
Boris Karloff…..William Henry Pratt
Mary Pickford…..Gladys Smith
Audrey Hepburn…..Edda Van Heemsta
Samuel Goldwyn…..Sam Goldfish
W.C. fields…..William Claude Dunkenfield
Martin Sheen…..Ramon Esteves
Michael Keaton…..Michael Douglas
Roy Rogers…..Leonard Slye
Dale Evans…..Francis Octavia Smith
Mel Brooks…..Melvin Kominsky
Jane Wyman…..Sarah Jane Folks
Whooping Goldberg…..Caryn Johnson
Joan Crawford…..Lucille Le Sueur
Woody Allen…..Allen Stewart Kinigsberg
Charlie Sheen…..Carlos Esteves
On to the next subject. As promised, another list of totally useless information I’ve collected from all sorts of sources both on the net and elsewhere.
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Twenty-eight percent of Africa is wilderness while thirty eight percent of North America is wilderness.
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A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
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A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
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The average person spends three years of his or her life on a toilet.
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Take your height and divide by eight. That’s how tall your head is.
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One in three male motorists picks their nose while driving.
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More than ten people a year are killed by vending machines.
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More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world.
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Famous billionaire Howard Hughes stored his own urine in large bottles.
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Approximately $25 million is spent each year on lap dances in Las Vegas.
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23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.
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Each year, there are more than 40,000 toilet related injuries in the United States.
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Coca-cola was originally green.
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The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s "It’s a Wonderful Life".
Are you feeling smarter now? Slowly but surely I’m filling your heads with mind numbing information which you’ll probably never use in any conversation and will most likely forget by Monday. It’s my insidious plot to takeover the world, one mind at a time.
Welcome to a new day. As promised yesterday I’ll be giving you the answers to the ten mystery music trivia questions. I imagine getting the right answers without cheating and using Google or Bing was difficult. As my collection of totally useless information continues to accumulate I’ll be testing your knowledge of many different subjects. One of the things I like best about collecting trivia is that it’s fun and even interesting at times. Here’s your answers, I hope you did well.
1. In 1926, the police raided Mae West Broadway show ‘Sex’ and jailed her on vice charges. What did the rise wisecracking blonde sexpot claim when she was freed after serving 8 days of her 10 day sentence?
A: That it was the only time she ever got anything for good behavior.
2. Who was the first person ever awarded a gold record?
A: Glenn Miller, for Chattanooga Choo-Choo.
3. What singer named Clara Ann Fowler at birth adopted the name of the milk company that sponsored her first radio show?
A: Patti Page. The company was the Page Milk Company of Tulsa, Oklahoma.
4. What famous entertainer was known as Annie Mae Bullock before she adopted her stage name?
A: Actress-Singer, Tina Turner.
5. The singing duo of Caesar and Cleo only achieved fame under another name. What was it?
A: Sonny and Cher.
6. Country music comedienne, Minnie Pearl, always wore a hat with a price tag on it when she performed. What was the amount written on the price tag?
A: $1.98
7. Who was the only cast member of the hit rock musical Hair who refused to shed her clothes in the nude closing number?
A: Diane Keaton
8. What top rock group took it’s name from a song by blues great Muddy Waters?
A: The Rolling Stones. Water’s song, of course, was "Rolling Stone".
9. Under what name did New Wave singer-songwriter Declan McManus gain fame?
A: Elvis Costello
10. What famous singer, after receiving an honorary degree from Georgetown University, enrolled as a freshman and earned a BA in Theology?
A: Pearl Bailey. She received her BA in 1985 after seven years as a part-time student.
As you already know I really love passing on my never-ending lists of totally useless crap to my readers. I hope it helps make all of you moderately good Trivial Pursuit players as well as the winner of many a bar wager. I thought I’d take a somewhat different approach this time and make things a bit more interesting.
Usually I just supply the facts for you to enjoy but not today. I had a few readers give me some grief recently about never having any interesting facts from the music sector. The following ten questions need answered and it’s up to each of you to provide them. Are you up for the challenge? Even if you’re a true musical aficionado these music related questions should challenge even you. I’ll supply the answers tomorrow so let’s see just how good your trivia skills really are.
1. In 1926, the police raided Mae West Broadway show ‘Sex’ and jailed her on vice charges. What did the wisecracking blonde sexpot claim when she was freed after serving 8 days of her 10 day sentence?
2. Who was the first person ever awarded a gold record?
3. What singer named Clara Ann Fowler at birth adopted the name of the milk company that sponsored her first radio show?
4. What famous entertainer was known as Annie Mae Bullock before she adopted her stage name?
5. The singing duo of Caesar and Cleo only achieved fame under another name. What was it?
6. Country music comedienne, Minnie Pearl, always wore a hat with a price tag on it when she performed. What was the amount written on the price tag?
7. Who was the only cast member of the hit rock musical ‘Hair’ who refused to shed her clothes in the nude closing number?
8. What top rock group took it’s name from a song by blues great Muddy Waters?
9. Under what name did New Wave singer-songwriter Declan McManus gain fame?
10. What famous singer, after receiving an honorary degree from Georgetown University, enrolled as a freshman and earned a BA in Theology?
I told you they weren’t easy. I’m guessing anyone who scores more than five correct answers really knows their stuff. Check back tomorrow for the answers. I think you’ll find them interesting.
Today I intended to further explore the use of the English language where names are concerned by talking about nicknames we humans insist on giving to our private parts. The list of nicknames is endless but the main body parts targeted normally for nicknames are the vagina, penis, and occasionally the breasts. As a kid (age 7-11) and before my sex life truly existed my friends and I had already named our penises. I have no idea why we did but it could have been as simple a reason as "because it was there". Our fascination with our penises was intense at that age because if you must know it was the center of our young universe. Unfortunately it still is.
Our little group of five perverts constantly discussed those things that were most important to us; our penises, girls, and that greatest mystery of all, sexual intercourse. We almost declared a national holiday when our buddy Frank reported at one of our private meetings in our secret hidden club house that he had what we later found out was his first orgasm. He explained in great detail just what he’d done and how it felt. We were all astounded by his description of the feelings he had but were somewhat confused by his report that nothing came out of his penis when he came. We’d been told by the experts (our older friends) that there would be sperm. That discussion went on for another six months as were tried to figure out what Frank had done wrong.
Eventually we were called to an emergency meeting at the clubhouse when Frank finally reported that some “white stuff” had finally appeared after he masturbated. We did everything but declare him king of the effing world. We put him through the third degree until we were all satisfied he was giving us the absolute truth.
You should also know that during the next few months we were all diligently practicing in the privacy of our homes trying to duplicate what Frank was reporting. Shortly after his report on the "white stuff" we as a group demanded he show us specifically how he did it. We retired to his house and the five of us squeezed into his little bathroom where he began his demonstration. He used a little soap on his hands and began to furiously masturbate. He kept saying he was almost there as we waited patiently. The mood was immediately broken when his mother threw the door open and caught him in the act and all of us watching. Many of you can talk about your most awkward moments but this one was by far my worst. My second worst moment was when I got home to find out that Frank’s mom had ratted us all out. My mother was not happy.
Frank practically tore his penis off trying to put it away. His poor mother was probably never quite the same again either. Needless to say it took years before any of us could look her in the eye without turning a bright crimson. We all learned two valuable lessons that fateful day. One, soap is our friend and two, lock the freaking door.
We learned never to do anymore sexual exploring at anyone’s home. We confined our discussions and demonstrations to our club house where all of the best reading material (skin mags) was available for our use. Later on as we grew more curious we invited one or two of the neighborhood girls to the club house for a few games of "show and tell". There was no sexual activity just a very clinical study of their genitals and their study of ours. It was around that time that my penis received his first nickname, I called him "Charlie".
I have to admit that years later after my sex life had been firmly established Charlie’s nicknames became much more interesting. Charlie became confused at times because he was forced to suffer through a long list of really tacky names that he really didn’t care for. I never told any of my female sex partners that all of those silly name they insisted on calling him meant nothing to him or to me. His real name was and always will be Charlie and all the sexual attention in the world from them and their vaginas could never change that.
I was thinking about listing a number of the more common genital nicknames in this posting but I thought this story would be more poignant and informative than a cold and unemotional list. Besides you men out there already know the most common nicknames currently in use. Unfortunately you women out there only think you know your man’s actual name for his penis.
I’d like to lighten things up today with a short discussion about some of my favorite things, limericks. I’ve been a huge fan from an early age and unfortunately I like my limericks as dirty as possible. I had an relative years ago who had a huge book of really filthy limericks which he would bring out a parties to read a few and get the place rocking a bit.
I’ve written my fair share of limericks and it’s actually a fun thing to do. There are literally hundreds of thousands of them out there and if you don’t find them funny as hell your really missing out.
I have some favorites but I would never attempt to blog them because my better-half would kill me. Fortunately there are so many others available in so many categories I hopefully can keep it somewhat clean. I make no promises because limericks are meant to be dirty. Here’s one I’ve been saving for my better-half’s daughter who just happens to be an middle school math teacher.
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‘Tis a favourite project of mine,
A new value of pi to assign.
I would fix it at 3,
For it’s simpler, you see,
Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9
Of course some limericks convey thoughts and comments about religion and the good and evil we all must learn to deal with.
I could put a few more of these boring limericks but let’s cut to the chase for a few sexually oriented ones.
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There was a Young Man from Kent
Whose Rod was so long it bent.
So to save himself trouble
He bent it in double,
And instead of coming, he went!
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An epileptic young woman named Camp
Was seduced on her couch by a tramp
But the first time he squeezed her
She had a Grand Mal seizure
And broke both his balls and a lamp.
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There was a young lady from Nizes
whose breasts were two different sizes.
One was so small
it was nothing at all,
but the other was huge and won prizes.
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There was a young lady named Hilda
Who went driving one night with a builda.
He said that he should
That he could and he would,
And he did and it pretty near killda.
Those were examples of a few mildly sexual limericks. I won’t be taking you any further down the limerick’s road to depravity today but possibly at a later date I’ll post a few of the more disgusting ones I’ve found. I’ll have to post them late at night from a darkened computer room to avoid complications with my somewhat prudish better-half.
Here are two I wrote this morning just to show you how easy it can be if you’d like to explore your creative side.
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There once was a man from Maine
To whom life seemed a mere game
He blogged and he blogged
Till his brain became clogged
With comments received from the lame
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Every Useless Thing is a fun blog
But the author’s been in a real fog
The writing comes easy
But at times can turn sleazy
Like having sex with a ‘ho’ and her dog
If I can stumble my way through the process then anyone can. Give it your best shot and make it as filthy as you’d like. Send it over and I’ll be sure to post it.
I’ve never had the opportunity to raise an infant and I think that’s why it fascinates me so much. I’ve been around infants a few times in my life but never for a long periods of time. I was always a little intimidated by babies because I had no clue how to approach them or care for them. They were more like little lumps of a person who couldn’t speak and in some cases couldn’t’ even focus their eyes. I won’t even get into the hazards of diaper changing and other cleanup chores.
When my ex-wife and I decided to adopt she was interested in adopting two sibling sisters under the age of six. I was thinking to myself, OMFG, what am I going to do. That adoption didn’t work out but luckily we later adopted a twelve year old boy. I breathed a huge sigh of relief and our life proceeded forward.
Many years have passed and at this late date I guess I’m making up for lost time. My better-half’s grandson who just turned six months old has become a huge part of my life. After watching his growth and development I can’t wait until he starts speaking. I can tell he already has things to say but just hasn’t figured out how yet. It won’t be long now and I’m actually looking forward to really meeting him for the first time with sound and words.
During my surfing on the net I found this collection of assorted quotations from kids under the age of six which made me smile. That’s what I like about young children, they speak their truth. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did. Just picture that cute little child standing in front of you with those innocent eyes and speaking the following:
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Dear God, I read the bible. What does "beget" mean? Nobody will tell me.
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The wind is like the air, only pushier.
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One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
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You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
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The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
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Lime is a green-tasting rock.
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Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils, while others preferred to be oil.
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Dear God, My brother told me how babies are born but it just doesn’t sound right. What do you say?
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Genetics explain why you look like your father, and if you don’t why you should.
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In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H’s as O’s.
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Clouds are high flying fogs.
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Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
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Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog’s tongue will kill the strongest man.
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Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go?
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A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
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I’m being haive! — 2 year old son, when his mother told him told to behave.
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Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. You can look it up.
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A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
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Dear God, Is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house?
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Daddy picked them up and looked underneath. I think it’s printed on the bottom. — 3 year old son, when his mother asked how his father knew the genders of four new baby kittens
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I had a fraction in my neck and had to go to the hospital for a long time.
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Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There’s nothing good there now.
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Mommy, you said it would be a shot; instead it was a needle!
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And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some email.
In another few months these types of statements and questions will become a part of my life and I pray to God I can come up with the proper answers. It could go either way.
I’ve been accused on occasion of thinking everyone I’ve ever met is stupid. I’m really not that jaded to think something that’s so ridiculous. I do believe that every person on the planet has the capability to have moments of genius and just as many have moments of stupid, myself included. I’m just fascinated and maybe overly so by people either being “stupid” or just acting “stupid”. I’ve dealt with and interviewed thousands of people over the years and the number that could be considered “stupid” by any normal human being is nothing less than mind boggling. I’ve also known my fair share of genius level people, both male and female, and almost all of them come across as “stupid” when you discuss anything except their specific fields of interest. They are so focused on them that everything else is unimportant.
I’ve reread a book recently that’s translated from the Italian and it was all about “Stupid”. The authors name was Carlo M. Cipolla and he was Professor Emeritus of Economic History at Berkeley. His first book was published in 1988 in Bologna and in that book there’s an essay called The Basic Laws of Human Stupidity, which may be the best thing ever written on the subject.
Here are his Five Laws of Stupidity somewhat paraphrased:
1. We always underestimate the number of stupid people.
He also observes that it is impossible to set a percentage, because any number we choose will be too small.
2. The probability of a person being stupid is independent of any other characteristic of that person.
Militant feminists may be incensed, says Cipolla, but the stupidity factor is the same in both genders (or as many genders, or sexes, as you may choose to consider). No difference in the sigma factor, as Cipolla calls it, can be found by race, color, ethnic heritage, education, etcetera.
3. (And Golden) A stupid person is someone who causes damage to another person, or a group of people, without any advantage accruing to himself (or herself) — or even with some resultant self-damage.
(We shall come back to this, because it is the pivotal concept of the Cipolla Theory.)
4. Non-stupid people always underestimate the damaging power of stupid people. They constantly forget that at any moment, and in any circumstance, associating with stupid people invariably constitutes an expensive mistake.
That (I would say) suggests that non-stupid people are a bit stupid — but I shall get back to this point at the end.
5. A stupid person is the most dangerous person in existence.
This is probably the most widely understood of the Laws, if only because it is common knowledge that intelligent people, hostile as they might be, are predictable, while stupid people are not. Moreover, its basic corollary:
A stupid person is more dangerous than a bandit.
He leads us to the heart of the Cipolla Theory. There are four types of people, he says, depending on their behavior in a transaction:
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Hapless – Someone whose actions tend to generate self-damage, but also to create advantage for someone else.
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Intelligent – Someone whose actions tend to generate self-advantage, as well as advantage for others.
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Bandit – Someone whose actions tend to generate self-advantage while causing damage to others.
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Stupid – We already have this definition in the Third Law.
It has become painfully obvious to me that I haven’t even scratched the surface of “stupid” compared to Mr. Cipolla. I’ve accepted the fact that my reading and understanding of “stupid” must be taken to the next level or maybe I’m just being “stupid” too.
I have a lot of fun pointing out “stupid” on this blog and will continue to do until it stops being funny. Hopefully at some point in the future I’ll be able to sit down and rewrite Cipolla’s Laws from a more modern perspective and with a touch more humor.
“IT IS ONE OF THE BLESSINGS OF OLD FRIENDS THAT YOU CAN AFFORD TO BE STUPID WITH THEM”. Ralph Waldo Emerson
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