Archive for the ‘funny’ Tag
I remember growing up in a time when newspapers ruled the world. Nothing was true unless it was in the paper and each morning people scrambled for the morning news. It was a time when two deliveries of a newspaper was the norm, the morning edition at 6am and another delivered in the early evening. I had an up close and personal relationship with our daily paper, The Valley Daily News, because I was one of it’s part-time carriers. I always felt so damn important as I made my rounds delivering the latest news to all of my friends and neighbors. For me it was a big deal.
I can still remember rushing to the pile of papers as they were tossed off the delivery truck to catch a quick peek at the day’s headlines. It was exciting for a dumb kid like me to be the first to get the scoop of the day.
The quality of the writing seemed much more professional then than some of the stuff I’m reading these days. In my humble opinion our improved technologies and the birth of the Internet have brought the quality of articles and headlines to a very low level. The daily barrage of news these days wears on a person. It’s a constant drumbeat 24 hours a day and it’s annoying as well as redundant.
Back in the day writing was a serious profession and the writing of headlines was almost as important as the articles themselves. I offer for your amusement the following collection of headlines from recent years and various newspapers. Not only do the headlines suck but the editor’s who allowed them to be sent to print should be ashamed. Here we go.
IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED
IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?
PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
PANDA MATING FAILS – VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
NJ JUDGE TO RULE ON NUDE BEACH
CHILD’S STOOL GREAT FOR USE IN GARDEN
DR. RUTH TO TALK ABOUT SEX WITH NEWSPAPER EDITORS
SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN
ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS
You just can’t make this stuff up. For as long as the Net prospers so will my coffers of stupid remain full. Long live the Internet.
Yesterday I was a little bored which might explain why I was visiting Craig’s List. I’m not a huge fan of the site because getting up close and personal with anonymous crazies is not my thing. The history of Craig’s List and it’s problems are well known and need no further explanations from me. I do enjoy reading many of their ads which can be both unusual and occasionally funny.
Funny ads are nothing new. Over the years I’ve been drawn to newspapers and magazine ad sections to get a laugh or two. The Penny Saver newspapers and their ilk are by far the best. The following collection includes a few of those types of ads that made me “laugh out loud” when I read them. It amazes me how the ad writers can inject such humor into their ads and most times don’t even realize it.
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FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB —
$850/best offer
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX,
COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS FOR SALE.
NEVER BRED CALVES.
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR. WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW.
SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES
GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN – 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED – USED ONCE
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT…
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE A REWARD.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS – $175.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE…
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
SELLING WASHER & DRYER $300.
OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS, FOR SALE BY OWNER
COMPLETE SET OF ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA. 45 VOLUMES. EXCELLENT CONDITION. $1,000.00 NEGOTIABLE. NO LONGER NEEDED. RECENTLY MARRIED; WIFE KNOWS EVERYTHING
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Why is it that spontaneous and unplanned humor like these ads can be funnier that a lot of the professionally constructed jokes we hear every day. I find this stuff hilarious and there seems to be an endless supply.
I have to admit to being just like every other man when when it comes to sex. We approach sex quite differently than our female counterparts and for that I’m grateful. It’s that difference that makes the sparks fly and the interesting things begin to happen. Unfortunately it’s also that difference that causes most of the problems in relationships and most of the divorces as well.
We enjoy talking about sex almost as much as we enjoy doing it. Man to man, women to woman, but almost no-one ever crosses that gender barrier. For the men they can exaggerate, lie, and say whatever they want to their buddies who have no way of verifying any of it. Between women it appears to be somewhat different with more feelings, emotions, and over-thinking that most men aren’t prepared to deal with. I personally think that women BS each other just as much as the men but tend to believe each other more. Men know they’re being lied too and expect that. It’s a basic part of male bonding. Women seem to trust each other completely when it comes to comparing men. Why? I have no clue. If you want that answer ask a women.
I love hearing people talk about sex and that includes celebrities and other members of the elite class who think they’re so much smarted than the rest of us. I specifically searched for quotations on sex that were humorous and ridiculous. If I suddenly have someone telling me the truth about sex I wouldn’t know the difference anyway. Here they are, have a laugh or two.
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"My girlfriend always laughs during sex –no matter what she’s reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
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"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
Tom Clancy
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"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Steve Martin
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"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand."
Woody Allen
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"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield
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"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
George Burns
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"There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfeld
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"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
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"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
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"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
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"An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex."
Aldous Huxley
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"When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows."
Frederike Ryder
Now you know everything you need to know about sex straight from the mouths of these Hollywood experts. I’m glad they weren’t around during my formative years or I would have been more confused about sex than I actually was. As you can also see there are no quotations from women listed here. Sorry ladies but I couldn’t find any that added much to the conversation. If you find any please forward them along, I’m really and truthfully interested.
How often do you stop and think about when you were a kid? Does it make you sometimes wish you could be that kid again? Good questions and I’m sure I know the answers. Of course we’ve all taken that trip back to a simpler way of life where there was little or no stress and no overwhelming problems. Our biggest worries then were who to play with and for how long.
Art Linkletter made a fortune with “Kids Say the Darndest Things” because kids really do say the darndest things. They blurt out the truth without thinking about consequences or hurt feelings. Sometimes they’re blunt, sometimes cute, and always funny. I’ve collected the following blurbs during my travels on the Net to help make my point even more interesting.
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While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that’s right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?
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A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I’m just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can’t read, I can’t write – and they won’t let me talk!"
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It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What’d he do?"
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While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
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While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. .and unto the Soonnn. …..and into the hole he gooooes."
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I can’t get enough of these types of stories. There’s nothing better for me than to have the time to sit with a youngster and just have a normal conversation about anything. The way their mind works and how they express their ideas and observations is the absolute best.
We are a week or two away from celebrating our grandson’s first birthday and this week he began walking for the first time. I’m glad about that but he won’t be a real person to me until I can hear him speak his mind. He’ll probably be speaking within a few months and I can’t wait to hear what he has to say. As I watch him now as he observes the world around him, I can almost see him thinking. After more than a year of observing all of us he’s sure to have plenty of questions and opinions. I can’t wait to hear them.
For me this is a slow day. I’m writing on Sunday for Saturday but it still feels like a Sunday. It’s supposed to be a day of rest but that hardly ever happens. Today is a day of miscellaneous stuff and I’ll start off with the answers from yesterdays Food/Cooking Trivia Challenge. When I took the challenge I scored a measly four out of ten which wasn’t all that great but not altogether terrible. Let’s see how you did:
1. New Orleans
2. Miss Piggy
3. Shredded Wheat in 1882
4. 10 pounds. It takes about 75,000 flowers to produce a pound of saffron which is why it’s the most expensive spice the world.
5. 97%
6. The banana, apple, watermelon, orange and cantaloupe in order of their greatest consumption, according to the Food and Drug Administration.
7. The Frito Bandito commercial for Frito corn chips. The complaints came from Mexican-Americans.
8. Peanut butter. Five years later, Dr. John Harvey Kellogg filed for a patent on the process that was not very popular with patients at his Battle Creek, Michigan sanitarium.
9. Refrigerators
10. The fork.
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Now for a hypothetical job interview probably most appreciated by any of our Seniors who just happened to stumble upon this blog.
Job Interview
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Old Man : "Honesty."
Human Resources Manager: "I don’t think honesty is a weakness."
Old Man : "I don’t really give a shit what you think."
* * *
Was I wrong Seniors? That’s pretty much my mind set on any given day. Speak the truth as you see it and to hell with the consequences. I wish I could have been this honest during my days of working for some of the twerps I had for bosses. Oh well, I can dream can’t I?
Next I’ll pass along this paragraph sent to me by a friend from way out in flyover country. He thought it was humorous and so did I.
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No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London , England , and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.
His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.
Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.
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One little dirty limerick to perk up your day:
There once was a young girl from Rabat,
who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat;
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding,
When she found she had no tit for Tat.
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And last but not least a quick “Thank You” to this group of new followers to this blog. Welcome aboard! Please give their blogs a visit and enjoy them as much as I do.
Raluca Stoica, masondan, Opinionated Man, juliemontagu, penueaj, polishgirl21, marissax3x3, Jordan Policicchio, doctorbipolar, theoddspotblog,
ahines3, Charlotte Hoather, Kristin Maack, Susan, and Super Nate.
I’ve been accused by my better-half on more than one occasion that she knows what I’m thinking when I say certain words. I refuse to repeat any of her examples because it’ll only make her think she’s right and then I’d never ever hear the end of it. It did get me thinking about certain words and phrases I’ve been hearing for most of my life from female family members, girlfriends, and spouses. I think this list may be used as a reference guide to help me in my future discussions (arguments) with my better-half concerning these matters. I’m sure if I put my mind to it I could add another twenty of thirty items to this list but what’s the point. For my male readers I’m sure you’ll recognize some of these golden oldies used by generations of women to confuse and misdirect us. War is truly hell when it involves the sexes. Arm yourselves with as much ammunition and information as you can. You’ve been warned.
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FINE – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut the hell up.
WHATEVER – This is the new favorite word women use to convey “screw you”or “up yours”.
FIVE MINUTES – This means half an hour.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? – This has no real meaning. They only say it every fifteen minutes to drive us effing crazy.
NOTHING – This is the calm before the storm. This actually means "Something," and you should stand with your back to the nearest wall. ‘Nothing’ usually means Something and it’s Something bad for you.
GO AHEAD – This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it, trust me, DON’T DO IT.
FINE! - Does not really mean fine at all. It means “Fine, you rotten SOB” and you’ll be sorry for bringing it up.
LOUD SIGH – A sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and a moron and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
THAT’S OKAY – This means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you’ll pay for your mistake.
THANKS – A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome but make no direct eye contact.
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I hope this helps all of you men out there in your attempts to understand just what your woman or women are really saying. It takes decades for us men to even scratch the surface of understanding women and I’m firmly convinced we never will. We just have to keep trying.
As anyone who reads this blog regularly knows, I’m not a very religious person. As a kid I was dragged to church services by my mom every blessed week, kicking and screaming all the way. I was forced into catechism classes at a very young age which I hated. After a few years I was finally able to get my self ejected from them when I was caught reading a somewhat off-color magazine during a Sunday morning class.
I believe people should believe what they want as long as they leave me alone. Our church had the required illuminated sign out in front with those oh so interesting weekly announcements and even additional verbal notifications made during the Mass. There were wedding announcements, reading of the bans of marriage, and blah, blah, blah, blah. They were just as boring as you can imagine. Here are a few sample announcements that actually appeared on church bulletins boards or were announced during services that aren’t quite as boring as mine were. Have a chuckle or two on me.
You just can’t make this stuff up. Even the most pious of us can “screw the pooch” once in a while. Of course, I mean that in the most respectful and pious way.
Well, how did you do on yesterdays trivia challenge? I told you it was difficult so don’t be too disappointed that you didn’t score higher. I’ll be sending an assortment of those quiz’s your way over the next few months and some will be easier and others even harder. It’s just a little something to get you thinking and if some day you happen to win a bar bet or two, your welcome. Here are the answers you’ve been waiting for.
1. Peter Lorre
2. William Bendix
3. Johnny Mathis
4. The Return of Dr. X (He was a zombie.)
5. Andy Robinson (Son of Edward G. Robinson)
6. Superman
7. A teenage Andy Williams.
8. Frank Sinatra
9. It had no name, she called it “cat”.
10. Frank
Onward with other business. Normally on days like this I’ll try and offer you a little humor to start your day or end it depending on when you read this. Here’s a little joke for ya.
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A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver’s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver’s window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I’m reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She’s knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I’m nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she’ll be sixteen."
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Now that you have that small smile on your face I’ll move onto my next subject. I’d like to thank these folks for visiting this blog and then deciding to stick around for a while. New followers are always a pleasant surprise and I recommend you visit them and give their sites a look. Welcome aboard and thank you!
Joe Seeber, sfoxwriting, jangawol, Jordan Latour, funoften, ThePeopleIHaveSleptWith, Kylie Bannink, linzelite, miraclesworldrecords
I’ve stated thousands of times in the past that I’m NOT a fan of Country music. My constant exposure to it as forced on me by my better-half has really and truly dulled my senses. I’ve made my peace with that because I had no effing choice but just between you and I, I still hate C & W music.
I could give you any number of reasons why I hate it from the nerve shattering nasal twine of many of the singers to their choices of really stupid song titles and lyrics. The following song titles have been discovered and passed on to you just to prove my point. I’m not saying any of these titles made the Billboard charts but they are just as stupid as I predicted.
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I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight
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I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
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She’s Looking Better After Every Beer
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I Ain’t Gone To Bed With No Ugly Women, But I Shore Woke Up With A Few
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I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here
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I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin’ On My Back and Cryin’ Over You
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She’s Actin’ Single and I’m Drinkin’ Doubles
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I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better
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Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
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How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
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I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
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I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
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I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
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If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me
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My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus
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My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
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She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
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Thank God And Greyhound She’s Gone
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You Can’t Have Your Kate And Edith Too
So to those of you shit-kicking country folk out there you’d better get on-line as soon as possible and order this list of songs. I’d hurry if I were you because rumor has it that the demand is huge and you might be placed on a waiting list. They also may require that you take a short IQ test to insure you’re stupid enough to own them.
I’m writing this while my better-half is at work and I’ll do whatever I can to keep her from reading this posting tonight. She’s sure to throw a hissy fit and make me listen to even more of this alleged music than before. I’m not sure I could survive that. Hep me Jesus and Yee Haw, Y’all.
I spend a lot of my time watching and listening to people. It’s my most favorite of activities to be sure. I’ve recently began to see unusual patterns occurring in others which trouble me a great deal. It seems we as a people are loosing the ability to insult others with tact or sarcasm. I know, I was as stunned as you are. What is this country coming to if we lose that important ability. That’s one of the losses we suffer from too much political correctness.
"Your mother wears combat boots." was a good way for me to get my ass kicked in grade school. It was almost as bad as "Your mother dresses you funny." or "If my dog looked like your mother, I’d shave his ass and make him walk backward." Mother insults were always a good way to insult someone and be absolutely sure to get the proper reaction.
These days you can’t even call someone a liar, you must say “he’s diligently avoiding the truth”. That’s pussy talk in my opinion. Give me the good old days when someone wasn’t "educationally challenged" he was a moron or a dumb ass. It is said that the WW II generation was the greatest and I completely agree. They knew how to deliver an good insult that was polite, sarcastic, and devastating. No pussy talk for those guys or gals. Here are some classic insults by famous people of that era. Enjoy.
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“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
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“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow
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“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
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“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
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“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde
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“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
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“Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.” – Winston Churchill’s response to George Bernard Shaw
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“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West
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“Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!” – Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
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“Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!” – Winston Churchill’s response to Lady Astor
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"There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure." – Jack E. Leonard
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"He has Van Gogh’s ear for music." – Billy Wilder
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
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"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." – Winston Churchill
Three of my all time favorites, Mae West, Mark Twain, and Winston Churchill. They just don’t make them like that anymore and it’s a damn shame (In my humble opinion).
I’ve been accused by my better-half on more than one occasion that she knows what I’m thinking when I say certain words. I refuse to repeat any of her examples because it’ll only make her think she’s right and then I’d never ever hear the end of it. It did get me thinking about certain words and phrases I’ve been hearing for most of my life from female family members, girlfriends, and spouses. I think this list may be used as a reference guide to help me in my future discussions (arguments) with my better-half concerning these matters. I’m sure if I put my mind to it I could add another twenty of thirty items to this list but what’s the point. For my male readers I’m sure you’ll recognize some of these golden oldies used by generations of women to confuse and misdirect us. War is truly hell when it involves the sexes. Arm yourselves with as much ammunition and information as you can. You’ve been warned.
* * *
FINE – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut the hell up.
WHATEVER – This is the new favorite word women use to convey “screw you”or “up yours”.
FIVE MINUTES – This means half an hour.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? – This has no real meaning. They only say it every fifteen minutes to drive us effing crazy.
NOTHING – This is the calm before the storm. This actually means "Something," and you should stand with your back to the nearest wall. ‘Nothing’ usually means Something and it’s Something bad for you.
GO AHEAD – This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it, trust me, DON’T DO IT.
FINE! - Does not really mean fine at all. It means “Fine, you rotten SOB” and you’ll be sorry for bringing it up.
LOUD SIGH – A sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and a moron and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
THAT’S OKAY – This means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you’ll pay for your mistake.
THANKS – A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome but make no direct eye contact.
* * *
I hope this helps all of you men out there in your attempts to understand just what your woman or women are really saying. It takes decades for us men to even scratch the surface of understanding women and I’m firmly convinced we never will. We just have to keep trying.
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