Archive for the ‘funny’ Tag
Having worked in and out of this country’s judicial system (I use the term loosely) for decades I feel I’ve earned the right to be as critical of the players in that systems as I care to be. For me it’s a given that most defendants are borderline idiots or they wouldn’t be doing the sort of things requiring arrest. The attorneys are almost as bad and deserve whatever criticism they get as well. The judges and the remainder of the system are flawed as well but as it’s always said, “our system may a mess but it’s better than all of the others.” That’s a paraphrased quote that I didn’t intentionally butcher, it just kind of happened.
Todays posting includes a few on the record questions and answers from a combination of stupid, inept, and well educated individuals. They’re questions and answers are pitiful if they weren’t so ridiculous and at times funny. That these were taken from actual court transcripts is really the scariest part.
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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
My only advice is to avoid the judicial system at all costs. It’s flawed just enough to make it possible for totally innocent people to be convicted and confined. It’ doesn’t happen all that often but it does occasionally occur. Clean living and avoiding criminal elements is my best advice, it just isn’t worth the risk. You’ve been warned.
I miss a lot of people who’ve passed through my life over the years as I’m sure everyone does. I also miss people I never had the pleasure of meeting but enjoyed their talents so much they became part of my family and my reality.
A few days ago I was sitting in my favorite chair with my leg elevated and began surfing around the channels looking for anything that was wasn’t a rerun or just plain crap. After a while I happened upon an infomercial that for the first time actually caught my eye and held my full attention. It was an advertisement for a collection of old Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts. I laughed a bit but was especially surprised to see my all time favorite TV personality make an appearance, Johnny Carson.
I watched his Tonight Show as often as possible for more more years than I care to admit and in my opinion he was the all time funniest bastard ever. I like Leno but he barely registers on my radar. Letterman in my opinion has always been overrated and I don’t understand why. Jimmy Kimmel has his moments but not much more than that. And a personal message for Arsenio Hall, “Please just go away, once and for all, just go away.”
After a little looking around I did find a few quotations and comments made by Johnny over the years that I think will tickle your funny bone. It was fun reading them and getting to enjoy his humor once again. Take a look.
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“I now believe in reincarnation. Tonight’s monologue is going to come back as a dog.”
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“Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.”
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“The difference between love and lust is that lust never costs over $200.”
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“Thanksgiving is in emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once year is way too often.”
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“Any time four New Yorkers get into Together without arguing, a bank robbery is just taken place.”
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“Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.”
Man, I really miss that guy. Now I think it’s time for a few limericks to brighten up your day. Here are a few off-color ones you might enjoy:
There once was a harlot at Yale,
With her price list tattooed on her tail;
and on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
She had its emblazoned in Braille.
My dear, you looks simply divine,
And I know that we’ll get along fine;
For making ends meet
Will be such a treat,
When one is yours, and ones mine.
A mortician, practiced in Fyfe,
Made love to the corpse of his wife;
”I couldn’t know, Judge:
She was cold and didn’t budge
The same as she acted in life!”
There once was a young fellow from Cass
whose balls were made out of brass;
When they tinkled together,
They played “Stormy Weather”,
And lightning shot out of his ass!”
They probably weren’t as filthy as you expected but I hesitate to reprint the really nasty ones. Maybe one day I’ll just put together a list of the dirtiest and most disgusting ones I can find. I hate to admit to having a sense of humor that even appreciates that kind of funny but I do.
As I frequently do, I wander aimlessly around the Net looking for inspiration. Unfortunately most of the information available is either nonsense or BS. It only becomes relevant after I’m able to put it into context for all of you. Dealing with people on the Net takes a great deal of skill, intuition, and luck. Great care must be taken because dangers lurk in the oddest places. I trained for decades to interview people, read body language, and to make a determination of their guilt or innocence. Trying to do that same thing on the Net is an almost impossible task. Since I can’t meet face-to-face and I can’t trust photographs any longer, what should I do?
The following list of questions I discovered a few weeks ago and after some necessary editing are ready for my use. They may seem mundane and boring but are they really? The “devil is in the details” is a saying I’ve learned to appreciate over the years. One small piece of information added to another and then another can result in clarification and understanding much like a jigsaw puzzle.
I want my readers to understand me. It’s the wish of almost every other human being on the planet that someone “gets us”. I’m going to list one hundred really stupid and simple questions and then post my answers as well. If you read them all and then bundle them into one huge ball of useless information, you just might have a better understanding of me. It may work or it may not but you’ll never know until you give it a try. To test it further ask a friend, lover, or family member to answer them. You might be surprised to find out they’re not exactly the person you thought. Here we go.
1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Open.
2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? Yes.
3:Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? Tucked out.
4:Have you ever stolen a street sign? Yes
5:Do you like to use post-it notes? Yes, both paper and computerized.
6:Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? No, I hate coupons.
7:Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? Bees, at least I’d survive.
8:Do you have freckles? A few scattered here and there.
9:Do you always smile for pictures? No, I hate being photographed.
10:What is your biggest pet peeve? People who talk-over me while in conversation.
11:Do you ever count your steps when you walk? Almost always.
12:Have you ever peed in the woods? Yes, it’s the best.
13:What about pooped in the woods? I have but it’s unpleasant.
14:Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing? Only when I’m alone.
15:Do you chew your pens and pencils? Only pencils.
16:How many people have you slept with this week? Does my cat count? If he does then “2”.
17:What size is your bed? Queen.
18:What is your Song of the week? Born to die – Lana del Ray
19:Is it okay for guys to wear pink? Yes.
20:Do you still watch cartoons? Almost never.
21:What’s your least favorite movie? Anything with Will Ferrell in it.
22:Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? None of your business. It’s called ‘hidden treasure’ for a reason.
23:What do you drink with dinner? Seltzer Water
24:What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Ketchup.
25:What is your favorite food? Hamburgers.
26:What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Anything prior to 1950.
27:Last person you kissed/kissed you? My better-half.
28:Were you ever a boy/girl scout? Yes.
29:Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? No, it might scare people.
30:When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? 1990.
31:Can you change the oil on a car? Yes.
32:Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Oh yeah.
33:Ever ran out of gas? Once in 1975.
34:Favorite kind of sandwich? BLT, with lots of B.
35:Best thing to eat for breakfast? Bacon, eggs, toast, and coffee.
36:What is your usual bedtime? 11 PM.
37:Are you lazy? No.
38:When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? At 45, I was Woody Allen.
39. Who is your favorite dead singer? Levon Helm
40:How many languages can you speak? 1.5
41:Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Yes, one.
42:Which are better Legos or Lincoln logs? Legos.
43:Are you stubborn? Yes.
44:Who is better…Leno or Letterman? Johnny Carson.
45:Ever watch soap operas? I used to.
46:Are you afraid of heights? Not really, no.
47:Do you sing in the car? Sometimes.
48:Do you sing in the shower? No.
49: Do you sleep clothed or naked? Naked.
50:Ever used a gun? Yes.
51:Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? I was two years old.
52:Do you think musicals are cheesy? Some are, some not.
53:Is Christmas stressful? Yes, it’s a pain in the ass.
54:Ever eat a pierogi? Hundreds of times, Yummmm!
55:Favorite type of fruit pie? Apple.
56:Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Archeologist.
57:Do you believe in ghosts? No.
58:Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Yes.
59:Take a vitamin daily? Yes.
60:Wear slippers? Yes.
61:Wear a bath robe? Not really.
62: How old were you when you lost your virginity? 14.
63:First concert? Harry Chapin.
64:Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Walmart, to people watch.
65:Nike or Adidas? Dr. Scholl
66:Cheetos Or Fritos? Cape Cod Potato Chips.
67:Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Cashews.
68:Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? Hell no.
69:Ever take dance lessons? Yes. as a kid, 3 years.
70:Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? No, there won’t be a future spouse.
71:Can you curl your tongue? Yes, and I know how to use it too.
72:Ever won a spelling bee? No.
73:Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yes, at my divorce hearing.
74:Own any record albums? Yes, vinyl and CD’s.
75:Own a record player? Yes.
76:Regularly burn incense? Yes.
77:Ever been in love? Yes.
78:Who would you like to see in concert? Celine Dion.
79:How many tattoos do you have? Six small ones.
80:Hot tea or cold tea? Hot.
81:Tea or coffee? Coffee.
82:Sugar or snickerdoodles? Sweet’n’Low
83:Can you swim well? Yes.
84:Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yes.
85:Are you patient? Not really.
86:DJ or band, at a wedding? DJ.
87:Ever won a contest? Yes.
88:Ever have plastic surgery? No.
89:Which are better black or green olives? Green.
90:Can you knit or crochet? Neither.
91:Best room for a fireplace? Bed room.
92:Do you want to get married? Never again.
93. Do you wear glasses? Yes.
94:Who was your HS crush? Beth.
95:Do you ever cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? Only as an infant.
96:Do you have kids? Yes.
97:Do you want kids? No more thank you very much.
98:What’s your favorite color? Blue.
99:Do you miss anyone right now? Yes.
100: Have you ever been stung by a bee? Yes.
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There you have it. My screwed up and over-explained personality in a nutshell. Remove a few of these questions and add your own. Personalize it as much as you think is necessary. Then have a few of your friends compete the questions and invite them over for a few bottles of wine and a group discussion. It might be a great deal of fun but even if it isn’t make sure you’re serving a really good wine.
I remember growing up in a time when newspapers ruled the world. Nothing was true unless it was in the paper and each morning people scrambled for the morning news. It was a time when two deliveries of a newspaper was the norm, the morning edition at 6am and another delivered in the early evening. I had an up close and personal relationship with our daily paper, The Valley Daily News, because I was one of it’s part-time carriers. I always felt so damn important as I made my rounds delivering the latest news to all of my friends and neighbors. For me it was a big deal.
I can still remember rushing to the pile of papers as they were tossed off the delivery truck to catch a quick peek at the day’s headlines. It was exciting for a dumb kid like me to be the first to get the scoop of the day.
The quality of the writing seemed much more professional then than some of the stuff I’m reading these days. In my humble opinion our improved technologies and the birth of the Internet have brought the quality of articles and headlines to a very low level. The daily barrage of news these days wears on a person. It’s a constant drumbeat 24 hours a day and it’s annoying as well as redundant.
Back in the day writing was a serious profession and the writing of headlines was almost as important as the articles themselves. I offer for your amusement the following collection of headlines from recent years and various newspapers. Not only do the headlines suck but the editor’s who allowed them to be sent to print should be ashamed. Here we go.
IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED
IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?
PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
PANDA MATING FAILS – VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
NJ JUDGE TO RULE ON NUDE BEACH
CHILD’S STOOL GREAT FOR USE IN GARDEN
DR. RUTH TO TALK ABOUT SEX WITH NEWSPAPER EDITORS
SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN
ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS
You just can’t make this stuff up. For as long as the Net prospers so will my coffers of stupid remain full. Long live the Internet.
Yesterday I was a little bored which might explain why I was visiting Craig’s List. I’m not a huge fan of the site because getting up close and personal with anonymous crazies is not my thing. The history of Craig’s List and it’s problems are well known and need no further explanations from me. I do enjoy reading many of their ads which can be both unusual and occasionally funny.
Funny ads are nothing new. Over the years I’ve been drawn to newspapers and magazine ad sections to get a laugh or two. The Penny Saver newspapers and their ilk are by far the best. The following collection includes a few of those types of ads that made me “laugh out loud” when I read them. It amazes me how the ad writers can inject such humor into their ads and most times don’t even realize it.
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FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB —
$850/best offer
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX,
COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS FOR SALE.
NEVER BRED CALVES.
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR. WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW.
SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES
GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN – 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED – USED ONCE
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT…
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE A REWARD.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS – $175.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE…
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
SELLING WASHER & DRYER $300.
OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS, FOR SALE BY OWNER
COMPLETE SET OF ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA. 45 VOLUMES. EXCELLENT CONDITION. $1,000.00 NEGOTIABLE. NO LONGER NEEDED. RECENTLY MARRIED; WIFE KNOWS EVERYTHING
* * *
Why is it that spontaneous and unplanned humor like these ads can be funnier that a lot of the professionally constructed jokes we hear every day. I find this stuff hilarious and there seems to be an endless supply.
I have to admit to being just like every other man when when it comes to sex. We approach sex quite differently than our female counterparts and for that I’m grateful. It’s that difference that makes the sparks fly and the interesting things begin to happen. Unfortunately it’s also that difference that causes most of the problems in relationships and most of the divorces as well.
We enjoy talking about sex almost as much as we enjoy doing it. Man to man, women to woman, but almost no-one ever crosses that gender barrier. For the men they can exaggerate, lie, and say whatever they want to their buddies who have no way of verifying any of it. Between women it appears to be somewhat different with more feelings, emotions, and over-thinking that most men aren’t prepared to deal with. I personally think that women BS each other just as much as the men but tend to believe each other more. Men know they’re being lied too and expect that. It’s a basic part of male bonding. Women seem to trust each other completely when it comes to comparing men. Why? I have no clue. If you want that answer ask a women.
I love hearing people talk about sex and that includes celebrities and other members of the elite class who think they’re so much smarted than the rest of us. I specifically searched for quotations on sex that were humorous and ridiculous. If I suddenly have someone telling me the truth about sex I wouldn’t know the difference anyway. Here they are, have a laugh or two.
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"My girlfriend always laughs during sex –no matter what she’s reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
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"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
Tom Clancy
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"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Steve Martin
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"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand."
Woody Allen
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"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield
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"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
George Burns
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"There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfeld
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"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
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"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
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"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
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"An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex."
Aldous Huxley
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"When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows."
Frederike Ryder
Now you know everything you need to know about sex straight from the mouths of these Hollywood experts. I’m glad they weren’t around during my formative years or I would have been more confused about sex than I actually was. As you can also see there are no quotations from women listed here. Sorry ladies but I couldn’t find any that added much to the conversation. If you find any please forward them along, I’m really and truthfully interested.
How often do you stop and think about when you were a kid? Does it make you sometimes wish you could be that kid again? Good questions and I’m sure I know the answers. Of course we’ve all taken that trip back to a simpler way of life where there was little or no stress and no overwhelming problems. Our biggest worries then were who to play with and for how long.
Art Linkletter made a fortune with “Kids Say the Darndest Things” because kids really do say the darndest things. They blurt out the truth without thinking about consequences or hurt feelings. Sometimes they’re blunt, sometimes cute, and always funny. I’ve collected the following blurbs during my travels on the Net to help make my point even more interesting.
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While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that’s right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?
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A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I’m just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can’t read, I can’t write – and they won’t let me talk!"
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It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What’d he do?"
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While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
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While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. .and unto the Soonnn. …..and into the hole he gooooes."
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I can’t get enough of these types of stories. There’s nothing better for me than to have the time to sit with a youngster and just have a normal conversation about anything. The way their mind works and how they express their ideas and observations is the absolute best.
We are a week or two away from celebrating our grandson’s first birthday and this week he began walking for the first time. I’m glad about that but he won’t be a real person to me until I can hear him speak his mind. He’ll probably be speaking within a few months and I can’t wait to hear what he has to say. As I watch him now as he observes the world around him, I can almost see him thinking. After more than a year of observing all of us he’s sure to have plenty of questions and opinions. I can’t wait to hear them.
For me this is a slow day. I’m writing on Sunday for Saturday but it still feels like a Sunday. It’s supposed to be a day of rest but that hardly ever happens. Today is a day of miscellaneous stuff and I’ll start off with the answers from yesterdays Food/Cooking Trivia Challenge. When I took the challenge I scored a measly four out of ten which wasn’t all that great but not altogether terrible. Let’s see how you did:
1. New Orleans
2. Miss Piggy
3. Shredded Wheat in 1882
4. 10 pounds. It takes about 75,000 flowers to produce a pound of saffron which is why it’s the most expensive spice the world.
5. 97%
6. The banana, apple, watermelon, orange and cantaloupe in order of their greatest consumption, according to the Food and Drug Administration.
7. The Frito Bandito commercial for Frito corn chips. The complaints came from Mexican-Americans.
8. Peanut butter. Five years later, Dr. John Harvey Kellogg filed for a patent on the process that was not very popular with patients at his Battle Creek, Michigan sanitarium.
9. Refrigerators
10. The fork.
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Now for a hypothetical job interview probably most appreciated by any of our Seniors who just happened to stumble upon this blog.
Job Interview
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Old Man : "Honesty."
Human Resources Manager: "I don’t think honesty is a weakness."
Old Man : "I don’t really give a shit what you think."
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Was I wrong Seniors? That’s pretty much my mind set on any given day. Speak the truth as you see it and to hell with the consequences. I wish I could have been this honest during my days of working for some of the twerps I had for bosses. Oh well, I can dream can’t I?
Next I’ll pass along this paragraph sent to me by a friend from way out in flyover country. He thought it was humorous and so did I.
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No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London , England , and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.
His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.
Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.
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One little dirty limerick to perk up your day:
There once was a young girl from Rabat,
who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat;
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding,
When she found she had no tit for Tat.
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And last but not least a quick “Thank You” to this group of new followers to this blog. Welcome aboard! Please give their blogs a visit and enjoy them as much as I do.
Raluca Stoica, masondan, Opinionated Man, juliemontagu, penueaj, polishgirl21, marissax3x3, Jordan Policicchio, doctorbipolar, theoddspotblog,
ahines3, Charlotte Hoather, Kristin Maack, Susan, and Super Nate.
I’ve been accused by my better-half on more than one occasion that she knows what I’m thinking when I say certain words. I refuse to repeat any of her examples because it’ll only make her think she’s right and then I’d never ever hear the end of it. It did get me thinking about certain words and phrases I’ve been hearing for most of my life from female family members, girlfriends, and spouses. I think this list may be used as a reference guide to help me in my future discussions (arguments) with my better-half concerning these matters. I’m sure if I put my mind to it I could add another twenty of thirty items to this list but what’s the point. For my male readers I’m sure you’ll recognize some of these golden oldies used by generations of women to confuse and misdirect us. War is truly hell when it involves the sexes. Arm yourselves with as much ammunition and information as you can. You’ve been warned.
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FINE – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut the hell up.
WHATEVER – This is the new favorite word women use to convey “screw you”or “up yours”.
FIVE MINUTES – This means half an hour.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? – This has no real meaning. They only say it every fifteen minutes to drive us effing crazy.
NOTHING – This is the calm before the storm. This actually means "Something," and you should stand with your back to the nearest wall. ‘Nothing’ usually means Something and it’s Something bad for you.
GO AHEAD – This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it, trust me, DON’T DO IT.
FINE! - Does not really mean fine at all. It means “Fine, you rotten SOB” and you’ll be sorry for bringing it up.
LOUD SIGH – A sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and a moron and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
THAT’S OKAY – This means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you’ll pay for your mistake.
THANKS – A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome but make no direct eye contact.
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I hope this helps all of you men out there in your attempts to understand just what your woman or women are really saying. It takes decades for us men to even scratch the surface of understanding women and I’m firmly convinced we never will. We just have to keep trying.
As anyone who reads this blog regularly knows, I’m not a very religious person. As a kid I was dragged to church services by my mom every blessed week, kicking and screaming all the way. I was forced into catechism classes at a very young age which I hated. After a few years I was finally able to get my self ejected from them when I was caught reading a somewhat off-color magazine during a Sunday morning class.
I believe people should believe what they want as long as they leave me alone. Our church had the required illuminated sign out in front with those oh so interesting weekly announcements and even additional verbal notifications made during the Mass. There were wedding announcements, reading of the bans of marriage, and blah, blah, blah, blah. They were just as boring as you can imagine. Here are a few sample announcements that actually appeared on church bulletins boards or were announced during services that aren’t quite as boring as mine were. Have a chuckle or two on me.
You just can’t make this stuff up. Even the most pious of us can “screw the pooch” once in a while. Of course, I mean that in the most respectful and pious way.
I’ve been accused by my better-half on more than one occasion that she knows what I’m thinking when I say certain words. I refuse to repeat any of her examples because it’ll only make her think she’s right and then I’d never ever hear the end of it. It did get me thinking about certain words and phrases I’ve been hearing for most of my life from female family members, girlfriends, and spouses. I think this list may be used as a reference guide to help me in my future discussions (arguments) with my better-half concerning these matters. I’m sure if I put my mind to it I could add another twenty of thirty items to this list but what’s the point. For my male readers I’m sure you’ll recognize some of these golden oldies used by generations of women to confuse and misdirect us. War is truly hell when it involves the sexes. Arm yourselves with as much ammunition and information as you can. You’ve been warned.
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FINE – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut the hell up.
WHATEVER – This is the new favorite word women use to convey “screw you”or “up yours”.
FIVE MINUTES – This means half an hour.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? – This has no real meaning. They only say it every fifteen minutes to drive us effing crazy.
NOTHING – This is the calm before the storm. This actually means "Something," and you should stand with your back to the nearest wall. ‘Nothing’ usually means Something and it’s Something bad for you.
GO AHEAD – This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it, trust me, DON’T DO IT.
FINE! - Does not really mean fine at all. It means “Fine, you rotten SOB” and you’ll be sorry for bringing it up.
LOUD SIGH – A sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and a moron and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
THAT’S OKAY – This means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you’ll pay for your mistake.
THANKS – A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome but make no direct eye contact.
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I hope this helps all of you men out there in your attempts to understand just what your woman or women are really saying. It takes decades for us men to even scratch the surface of understanding women and I’m firmly convinced we never will. We just have to keep trying.
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