Well, welcome to Friday people. Another gloriously gray rainy and crappy day here in Maine. It makes for a really boring day if you can’t leave the house, but I do have plenty of things to break the monotony. Today that will include a few funny and moderately dirty jokes. I know how much all of you seem to enjoy them almost as much as I do. Have a few laughs and then drop to your knees and loudly pray for some effing sunshine.
Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!
One rainy night a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped out of the alley, jumped in the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rearview mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet naked woman sitting in the backseat. “Where to?” he stammered. “Central Station,” answered the woman. “OK,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?” “Well, ma’am, I notice that you are completely naked, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.” The woman spreads her legs, put your feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, ” Does THIS answer your question?” Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie calmly asked, “Got anything smaller?”
A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. “Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?” “Yes, they help me sleep at night.” “Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in those pills that could help you sleep!” She reached out and patted the young doctors’ knee. “Yes, I know that. But every morning I grind up one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 18-year-old granddaughter drinks. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night.”
Q. What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
😜😜😜
One of My Favorite Sayings:
“If you’re the smartest person in the room, then you’re in the wrong room.”
“Women complain about sex more often than men. Their gripes
fall into two major categories: (1) Not enough, (2) Too much.”
Ann Landers 1968
Joke of the Day
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh, my God, hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!” “I can’t jump out of the window. It’s raining out there!” “If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” She replied. “He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!” So, the boyfriend scooted out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the other runners, about 300 of them. Being naked with his clothes under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could, but after a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity jogged a bit closer. “Do you always run in the nude?” one asked. “Oh yes!” he replied, gasping for air. “It feels so wonderfully free!” Another runner moved alongside. “Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?” “Oh, yes,” our friend answered thinking quickly.” That way I can get dressed right of the end of the race and get in my car to go home!” Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?” “Nope . . . only when it’s raining.”
Limerick of the Day
There was a young lady of Maine
Who declared she’d a man on the brain.
But you knew from the view.
Of the way her waist grew,
It was not on her brain that he’d lain.
Daily Wisdom
Q. What do parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. You push them both aside and keep on eating.
An Anonymous Non-PETA Contributor
&
“The right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing.”
I’ve had something unusual happen this year. It appears because of my fractured ankle and my four months rehabilitation that I have a real shot at accomplishing most of my New Year’s resolutions. Now that we’re into October we’re within two months of year-end and I thought a review would be in order. Let’s take a quick look.
Read 8.33 books a month (That’s 100 books for all of you math majors). “COMPLETE” I’ve absolutely destroyed this one. Those four months of sitting on my ass while recuperating from my broken ankle made this one easy.
Keep the number of F-Bombs to less than a hundred a week. (I’m dreaming on this one.) “FAIL” I only missed the yearly total by a few thousand.
Spend less than $50.00 a week at Dunkin. (That’s just for my better-half. They’re too expensive for me.) “COMPLETE” They’ve become as bad as Starbucks and I’m finally free from all of their influences.
Drink less alcohol than last year but more next year. (I’m dreaming!) “MISERABLE FAILURE” No comment is necessary.
Visit only the classiest porn sites. (No more than 10 per week unless provoked) “ANOTHER MISERABLE FAILURE” Again, no comment.
💥💥💥
No naked dancing near the picture window in the living room. (We have nervous neighbors!) “COMPLETE” Due to my fractured ankle my dancing this year has been severely limited.
Try not to argue with my better-half too much. (The operative word here is to TRY.) “MISERABLE FAILURE” There are times when these resolutions are impossible. This is one of those times.
Teach the grandsons no more than five new swear words. (And maybe learn one or two new ones from them.) “COMPLETE” Daycare and school have saved me on this one. Playground education has officially begun. and they’re learning a brand-new vocabulary but not from me.
Try to be more polite to all of the doctors that have been manhandling me for years. “COMPLETE” I’ve seen much less of them this year which makes them miss me all the more.
Stay vertical. “COMPLETE” A term I’ve learned to really appreciate.
As the title suggests here are a few humorous stories and one gratuitous limerick. They’re all pearls of wisdom and I hope they help make you a little wiser. Here goes . . .
Once Yogi Berra, in his younger days, was in a batting slump. The manager felt this was because he was swinging at too many bad pitches. He therefore called Yogi to one side during a slow day in the schedule and gave him an intensive course in judging incoming baseball to determine whether they were outside the strike zone. Yogi’s batting promptly grew even worse, he said “It’s this judging of balls. I just can’t hit and think at the same time.”
And here’s a limerick for all of you aficionados:
To moralists, sex is a sin
Yet Nature suggests we begin.
She arranged it, no doubt,
That a fellow juts out
In the place where a damsel juts in.
🤣🤣🤣
A friend of mine was on a plane. It had achieved a high and steady flight and was set on autopilot. The pilot stretched, yawned, and said, “What I need now is a cup of coffee and a blow job. “What the pilot didn’t know was that the public address system was still on, and his words were heard throughout the plane. A stewardess hurriedly ran forward to the cockpit to tell the pilot to shut off the PA system before he committed any further indiscretions. As she ran by, an elderly female passenger yelled out, “Don’t forget, honey. He wants coffee, too.”
Julius Caesar was once asked what kind of death was the best. He gave the best conceivable answer, for he said, “A sudden one.” Unfortunately for Caesar he was assassinated the next day – suddenly.
An irate woman once told Winston Churchill, when he was a young man and temporarily sporting a small mustache, “Young man, I like neither your politics nor your mustache.” To which Churchill replied, “Madam, you are not likely to come into contact with either.”
The mistaken use of a word in place of a similar sounding one, often with unintentionally
amusing effect, as in, for example, “dance a flamingo” (instead of flamenco).
Today’s posting will be a shout out to all of those educators that spend so much of their time attempting to teach our younger generations anything. It’s a difficult job on the good days and it’s even worse on the bad days. I thought I’d list a selection of what are called malaprops taken from actual test papers and essays from some grade schoolers, high schoolers, and selected college examinations. These are things of beauty.
Women like to do things in circles, where they sew, talk, and do their meddling.
“Don’t” is a contraption.
Italics are what Italians write in.
The government of Athens was Democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.
Antarctica is like the regular Arctic, but ritzier.
He worked in the government as a civil serpent.
You purify water by filtering it and then forcing it through an aviator.
The doctor felt the man’s purse and said there was no hope.
The government of England is a limited mockery.
The first book of the Bible is a book of Guinness’s.
As a kid I learned to read the newspapers from my parents. At that time there was very little current event news available except by newspaper due to the fact there was no Internet and in my case no television. You either picked up the local news by radio or from the newspapers. In my later years I occasionally read newspapers on Sunday mornings, and it took a couple of hours because the newspapers were at least 3 inches thick. A few years later I again took to reading the Sunday papers primarily looking for jobs. I never really appreciated the newspapers like I should have and there are times I do miss being able to wake up on a Sunday morning, make a huge mug of hot coffee, and sit and read every word of every page of the New York Times or the Pittsburgh Press. Unfortunately, with the passing of time newspapers are slowly fading away. I can’t let that happen without having a little fun with them before they’re all gone which means today, you’re going to get some more of our more humorous newspaper headlines supplied by many alleged professional editors. Have fun with it.
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Alzheimer’s Center Prepares for an Affair to Remember
In the past I’ve had my fun with statements made by baseball players, football players, and basketball players. Just to be fair I thought today would be a good day for some ridiculous statements from an assortment of other sports to include some of their genius sportscasters and their pearls of wisdom.
And he’s got the ice pack on his groin him there, so it’s possibly not the old shoulder injury. -Ray French, rugby sportscaster
Venezuela! Great, that’s the Italian city with the guys in the boats, right? -Murad Muhammad, on being told about a boxing match in South America
And for those of you watching on black-and-white, the pink ball is the one behind the blue. -TV billiards commentator
I don’t want to tell you any half-truths unless they’re completely accurate. -Dennis Rapoport, boxing manager
It’s about 90% strength and 40% technique. -Johnny Walker, world middleweight wrist wrestling champion
🏀🏀🏀
Cycling is a good thing for the youngsters, because it keeps them off the streets. -Daniel Mean, commentator
It’s a catch he would’ve caught 99 times out of 1000. -Henry Blofeld
I was in a no-win situation, so I’m glad that I won rather than lost. -Frank Bruno, boxer
The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical. -Murray Walker
There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious. -Alan Minter, former prizefighter
⚽⚽⚽
We have only one person to blame, and that’s each other. -Barry Back, New York Ranger, explaining a championship game brawl
If I wasn’t talking, I wouldn’t know what to say. -Chico Resch, New York Islanders goalie
He called me a rapist and a recluse. I’m not a recluse. -Mike Tyson, boxer
On what? -boxer Chris Eubank, when asked whether he thought about writing his autobiography.
It’s basically the same, just darker. -Alan Kulwicki, Stock-car racer, on racing at night instead of during the afternoon
A week or so ago I posted a collection of riddles which could be described as a bit raunchy. Much to my surprise the response was amazing. It appears that a little off-color humor is being appreciated by more people than just me. I’ll continue with a few more gems to tickle your fancy. Let’s time travel to 1984 . . .
How do you circumcise a whale? Send down fore skin divers!
Who was a heavyweight boxing champion with a flatulence problem? Gaseous Clay!
Why is credit like sex? Because the people who need it the worst can’t get it!
What happens if you don’t pull out in time? You get a parking ticket!
Why does an elephant have four feet? He’d look pretty silly with just six inches!
What would you call a sex change surgeon? A gender amender!
What does a mathematician do if he’s constipated? Works it out with a pencil!
How do you make holy water? Take some water and boil the hell out of it!
Why is sex better than bowling? The balls are lighter and you don’t have to change your shoes!
What’s the easiest way to get a little group sex? Use both hands!
I haven’t posted too many limericks of late and I’m going to correct that immediately. After having two young grandsons visiting, I was once again made aware just how funny fart humor is. I’m not sure why but the young lads love talking about farts and farting. It started when they were around two years old, and it continues apace. With that in mind here are a few fart related limericks to make us all smile a little.
I stumbled across a rather large collection of really stupid newspaper headlines this week. I just can’t resist throwing a few of them your way. This kind of stuff just boggles the mind. The first one is the classic screw up and must be seen again.
DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN
PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO THE POPE
PANDA MATING FAILS, VETERINARION TAKES OVER
CLINTON WINS BUDGET, MORE LIES AHEAD
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
I especially like the Clinton one. I wonder if the editor got reprimanded. That would have been a big NO-NO for a liberal newspaper. Let’s continue.
COUPLE SLAIN, POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE
DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING
QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED
ILLITERATE? WRITE TODAY FOR FREE HELP
LOW WAGES SAID KEY TO POVERTY
It’s hard to believe just how many of these I’ve collected. I should start posting only the ones that are well written and correct. It’s a much smaller number to deal with.
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