Archive for the ‘Humor’ Tag
Maybe my lucks changing. After being flattened for almost a full week with some kind of flu I’m almost back to normal (whatever that is). Someone asked me if I was back to 100% yet and I could only smile. I stated the obvious that I hadn’t been a 100% since 1996. It was a vicious little virus that did a real job on everyone who was unlucky enough to catch it.
I started feeling much better and what did I hear next. Thunderstorm alerts and warnings for our immediate area. You might think that’s a bad thing but not for me. I freaking love thunderstorms. They started just as it was getting dark and they were beautiful. I wanted to sit out on the deck for a while but the rain was a little too intense for that. For almost three hours there was crackling lightning, heavy rains, and a howling wind. It was fantastic and I enjoyed every second of it. Unfortunately we get very few of these storms so I have to take the time to enjoy them when we do.
There wasn’t much else for the better-half and I to do but sit quietly, enjoy the storm, and talk about our day. I love our satellite TV system but even it can’t stand up to heavy rain like we were getting. It took hours for the signal to get through the heaviest of the downpours so we could be blessed with the standard list of reruns and crappy TV.
We’ve been buying more movies of late because of all the disappointing TV that just never seems to get any better. Recently during a weekend of free HBO and SHO I watched one of the recent ridiculous remakes of our beloved fairy tales, Snow White and the Huntsman. It wasn’t totally awful thanks to Charlize Theron but peppering our childhood tales with massive amounts of violence tends to make me uncomfortable and more than a little concerned for the young kids who are watching them.
As I was out shopping the next day I saw a sale for another insane remake of a fairy tale, Hansel and Gretel. I took a chance and paid good money for it. What a mistake. The entire story was so badly rewritten that I walked away and refused to watch the last twenty minutes. Badly used profanity by the female lead was laughable. I understand using appropriately blunt profanity to make a movie feel more authentic but this was just really stupid. It did seem they were setting it up at the end for a possible sequel but I hope that doesn’t happen. Two wrongs have never made a right and these two would be no exception. If you haven’t seen it, don’t waste your time or your money.
I can tell I’m on the mend because the urge to criticize has been growing steadily for the last few hours. I should be back in fighting form soon with my keyboard in one hand and a glass of wine in the other. Life will soon be good again.
Is it just me or does this Spring not impress. It was perfect if you like lots of rain, cool nights, and sweltering heat. I’m not really sure what I was hoping for or expecting but for some reason I feel disappointed. Coming out of our long winter here in Maine should have made just about anything acceptable but it didn’t seem to work for me this year. I have to say I feel a little let down.
Now that Summer has officially arrived what can we hope for? More sunshine would be nice, maybe some cooler weather, less humidity, and just enough rain to keep the yards and gardens healthy. That would be the ideal Summer but as we’ve come to realize of late, we almost never get what we expect weather-wise.
Why is it that we humans are never satisfied. All winter we moan and complain about the lack of sunshine and warmth. We bitch about the snow, the sleet, the freezing rain, and slush that seems to cover everything. It drives us totally crazy to be cooped up in the house getting on each others nerves for months on end. Then all of a sudden the weather changes and what happens. We haven’t even had enough time to put away our winter clothes before we’re already bitching about how hot it is. We continue that silliness into late October when things start to cool down in preparation for Winter. We can’t wait for some cooler temperatures to save us from the terrible heat. We have one snow fall and within hours we’re whining about the cold and wishing for Spring and Summer. It’s a conundrum I tell you.
I can only deduce that we as a species are really screwed up. We never appear completely happy or satisfied with anything, That would help explain a divorce percentage just over fifty percent. Maybe not, what the hell do I know. What I do know is that I’m just as bad as everyone else when it comes to these things and I see no hope of finding a workable solution. Am I a little depressed, why yes I think I am. Do I need a little help? Why yes I think I do. Let me think . . . . . . . . . .
Maybe I need a walk on the beach and a quick dip in the cool ocean water to wake me out of these Summer doldrums. A few dozen scantily clad bikini wearing young ladies might be just the thing to begin my healing. I can walk down the beach and have a few drinks at the Surf Side, enjoy their air conditioning for a hour or so, and then return to my blanket to relax and maybe read a few chapters of my favorite book. Another dip into the ocean and a few dozen more buxom young things prancing down the beach are beginning to make me feel a whole lot better. Who cares about the heat? Not me. I’m beginning to feel rather good.
Okay, just forget everything I said in those first few paragraphs because I was in the throws of depression and was totally wrong. I’ve suddenly rediscovered a few things that can snap me right back to normal almost immediately. Chant this along with me!
Give me a "T", drive me an "H", give me an "O", give me an "N", and a big freaking "G". C’mon Summer!
Have you ever had something piss you off so bad that you felt a sharp, stabbing pain behind your eyes. If you have then the following list will be perfect for you. I love reading lists and also love writing them from time to time. Most people are occasionally annoying but on their really bad days they make my list. These items have started this Summer Season with a vengeance.
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People who love to talk over me during a conversation make me want to scream.
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The person in front of me at the 14 item express register checkout with fifty items in his cart and a bad attitude when confronted.
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Waiting in my car at the ATM for fifteen minutes for some moron on foot makes a withdrawal.
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The guy in the men’s room stall at Wal-mart who leaves the stall in a condition that some people (but not me) might call a real “shit hole”.
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The attractive woman driving the gorgeous new Lexus who rolls down her window and spits a huge oyster into the passing lane. When you then look at her she resorts to giving you the dreaded “finger”.
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People who will stand quietly in line at a movie theatre but can’t shut up once the movie starts.
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People who have something important to tell me and then send me a four word text.
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People who are “close talkers” with chronic “stench” breath who won’t stop talking.
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Waiting endlessly in a register line for a customer to be trained in the use of their debit card by the cashier.
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People who insist on telling me their child is an honor student in some BS school with a freaking bumper sticker.
I feel much better now that I’ve gotten all of these off my chest. It’s a very cathartic experience to say the least and just might keep me from hurting myself and others.
As I’ve lived my somewhat interesting life I’ve noticed a few things. The constant stream of insults and insensitive comments made by both men and women about each other is one of the most puzzling. Every guy I’ve known has done it at times as do most women. My mother and father did it for sixty years to each other, sometimes jokingly and other times not so much. It makes no sense that we do these things to each other but we do.
Since I’ve been old enough to be called a man I’ve had any number of women repeat certain statements to me, "You men are all the same.", “That’s really stupid, it must be a man thing.” For both men and women it appears that this behavior has been passed down from past generations to us. Nothing irritates me more than broad-brush generalities used to denigrate large groups of people. I know it would really tick off my better-half if If I made caustic comments about women but even saying that hasn’t stopped it from happening between us on occasion.
These tendencies are used as a last resort in most arguments to help us put each other on the defensive. I hope that it’s just a way of garnering attention and not what is actually believed. Here are twelve quotes, bumper stickers, jokes, and anonymous sayings from many and varied females about men.
Women on Men
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"Boobs are the proof that men can focus on 2 things at once."
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"Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you." — Mae West
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"Any woman that thinks the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high."
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"Men only have two faults: Everything they say and everything they do."
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"Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in." — Katherine Whitehorn.
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"Husbands are like fires; they go out when unattended." — Zsa Zsa Gabor.
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"There’s nothing like a girl with a plunging neckline to keep a man on his toes."
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"A woman can fake an orgasm, but it takes a man to fake an entire relationship."
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"Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all."
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"A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car." — Carrie Snow.
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"Most men would never get laid if it weren’t for the pity fuck."
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"War is menstruation envy."
Women can be cruel in their humor but I must force myself to be fair in this discussion. Men are just as bad and like women they do it more when they’re in groups. It’s like a bonding requirement for both sexes within their specific gender groups. So, let’s all agree that men are just as bad as women and to prove that point here are twelve perfect examples.
Men on Women
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"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." — P. J. O’Rourke.
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"We have drugs to make women speak, but none to keep them silent." — Anatole France.
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"Do you know why they call it PMS ? Because Mad Cow Disease was taken." — Unknown
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"Brigands will demand your money or your life, but a woman will demand both." — Samuel Butler.
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"When a guy goes to a hooker, he’s not paying her for sex, he’s paying her to leave."
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"Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex."
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"I’ve finally found the perfect girl, I couldn’t ask for more. She’s deaf and dumb and over-sexed. And owns a liquor store."
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"Here’s to our wives and sweethearts — may they never meet." — John Bunny.
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"An 11 is a 10 who doesn’t have headaches."
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"Girls are like rocks; you skip the flat ones."
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"God created the orgasm so that women can moan even when they are happy."
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"I have always dreamed of being in bed with a hot woman. Little did I know I would have to wait until she reached menopause." — Lee Entrekin.
With all of this going on with both sexes it’s a miracle that the human race hasn’t gone extinct before now. It’s the ultimate love/hate relationship. Maybe it’s just the ultimate genetic push for women to procreate that over rides their general disdain for the men needed to make it happen. Maybe it’s the incredible pleasure women can offer men to help them overcome their issues with the female gender. Who knows for sure, certainly not me.
Will the day ever come when the bickering and sarcasm will stop. I’d have to say "no way". Maybe it takes more passion than I first thought to prompt all of the stressful name calling, jokes, and sarcasm. Passion apparently trumps everything and allows the sexes a few moment of intense pleasure together long enough to keep the human race in existence.
War is hell.
Today I intended to further explore the use of the English language where names are concerned by talking about nicknames we humans insist on giving to our private parts. The list of nicknames is endless but the main body parts targeted normally for nicknames are the vagina, penis, and occasionally the breasts. As a kid (age 7-11) and before my sex life truly existed my friends and I had already named our penises. I have no idea why we did but it could have been as simple a reason as "because it was there". Our fascination with our penises was intense at that age because if you must know it was the center of our young universe. Unfortunately it still is.
Our little group of five perverts constantly discussed those things that were most important to us; our penises, girls, and that greatest mystery of all, sexual intercourse. We almost declared a national holiday when our buddy Frank reported at one of our private meetings in our secret hidden club house that he had what we later found out was his first orgasm. He explained in great detail just what he’d done and how it felt. We were all astounded by his description of the feelings he had but were somewhat confused by his report that nothing came out of his penis when he came. We’d been told by the experts (our older friends) that there would be sperm. That discussion went on for another six months as were tried to figure out what Frank had done wrong.
Eventually we were called to an emergency meeting at the clubhouse when Frank finally reported that some “white stuff” had finally appeared after he masturbated. We did everything but declare him king of the effing world. We put him through the third degree until we were all satisfied he was giving us the absolute truth.
You should also know that during the next few months we were all diligently practicing in the privacy of our homes trying to duplicate what Frank was reporting. Shortly after his report on the "white stuff" we as a group demanded he show us specifically how he did it. We retired to his house and the five of us squeezed into his little bathroom where he began his demonstration. He used a little soap on his hands and began to furiously masturbate. He kept saying he was almost there as we waited patiently. The mood was immediately broken when his mother threw the door open and caught him in the act and all of us watching. Many of you can talk about your most awkward moments but this one was by far my worst. My second worst moment was when I got home to find out that Frank’s mom had ratted us all out. My mother was not happy.
Frank practically tore his penis off trying to put it away. His poor mother was probably never quite the same again either. Needless to say it took years before any of us could look her in the eye without turning a bright crimson. We all learned two valuable lessons that fateful day. One, soap is our friend and two, lock the freaking door.
We learned never to do anymore sexual exploring at anyone’s home. We confined our discussions and demonstrations to our club house where all of the best reading material (skin mags) was available for our use. Later on as we grew more curious we invited one or two of the neighborhood girls to the club house for a few games of "show and tell". There was no sexual activity just a very clinical study of their genitals and their study of ours. It was around that time that my penis received his first nickname, I called him "Charlie".
I have to admit that years later after my sex life had been firmly established Charlie’s nicknames became much more interesting. Charlie became confused at times because he was forced to suffer through a long list of really tacky names that he really didn’t care for. I never told any of my female sex partners that all of those silly name they insisted on calling him meant nothing to him or to me. His real name was and always will be Charlie and all the sexual attention in the world from them and their vaginas could never change that.
I was thinking about listing a number of the more common genital nicknames in this posting but I thought this story would be more poignant and informative than a cold and unemotional list. Besides you men out there already know the most common nicknames currently in use. Unfortunately you women out there only think you know your man’s actual name for his penis.
I’m a huge fan of the English language and I can honestly say I’m as surprised as anyone that I would or could ever say that and mean it. In high school and college I avoided English courses of any kind when possible. As the years passed I gained a real appreciation and love for the language and it’s many humorous uses.
I learned along the way that some people’s sense of humor was instrumental in how they named their children, their businesses, and even their pets. At times I really wondered what was going through the minds of parents who stuck their children with names that would haunt them for the rest of their lives. Was it just humor or were they intentionally being mean and nasty? Here are a few paragraphs of actual names of actual people who probably aren’t all that happy with their parent’s choices. As you’ll notice there are even a few celebrities included.
Al Dente, Anita Bath, Anne Teek, Armand Hammer, Art Major, Bud Light, Dick Head, Dick Trickle, Donald Duck, Frank Enstein, Gene Poole, Harry Sachs, Jim Shorts, Justin Case, Lewis N. Clark, Marshall Law, Mike Hunt, Mike Rotch, Myles Long, Olive Branch, Paige Turner, Peg Legge, and Polly Ester.
You just can’t make this stuff up. If I was saddled with any of these names I would have never forgiven my parents. Let’s continue with a few more.
Ray Gunn, Rick Shaw, Rip Torn, Rod N. Reel, Sal Minella, Seymour Bush, Shanda Lear, Sue Flay, Tanya Hyde, Tess Steckle, Virginia Breach, Wanda Hickey, Warren Peace, Will Power, Will Wynn, Willie Leak, and Willie Stroker.
As bad as some of these names are many people when starting a business do everything in their power to give it a name that will catch the attention of possible new customers. Here are a few names of drinking establishments that will do just that and no I haven’t visited them all.
The Ram Inn, The Happy Medium, Drunken Duck, The Elusive Camel, The Hung Drawn And Quartered, Spread Eagle, Dirty Dick’s, and Filthy Mc Nasty’s.
There is no end to the games that can be played with the English language and of course why would I not mention the ability of some of our illustrious strippers who use names that might just increase interest in their many and abundant assets.
Dixie Normas, July Raine, Skyy Bleu, Dalas Star, Mercedes Dawn, Lexus Paige, Shy Lynne, Stormy Wave, Stormy Weather, Candy Bar, Candy Kane, Alotta Fagina, Caramel DDelight, Rosy Hips, Venus Fly Trap, Cin DD, Candy Cox, and Bambi Thumper.
I don’t want you readers to think for a minute that I know theses stripper names from personal experience. If I really visited those kinds of establishments I probably wouldn’t live long enough to enjoy them. My better-half may not be the best shot in Maine but what she lacks in accuracy she makes up in the large amount of ammo she has available.
Just saying.
I seem to have centered all of my attention in recent days to male and female issues to the exclusion of all else. It’s time to get back to what this blog is all about, Totally Useless Information. There seems to be a never ending supply of useless facts and stupid information to keep me and this blog going for many years to come. I’ve already turned myself into a huge steaming pile of trivia which may come in handy some day playing Trivial Pursuit but not for much else. Maybe if I spread the information around a little it will make room in my skull for other new and useless things I may stumble upon. These factoids were collected from hither and yon and have no reason to exist other than to humor us. Here goes nothing.
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More than ten people a year are killed by vending machines.
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President George W. Bush was once a cheerleader.
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The average person spends three years of his or her life on the toilet.
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Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
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Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.
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More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world.
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There is a village in Ireland called Muff, and they have their own diving club.
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Seven percent of Americans eat at McDonalds every day.
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The only First Lady to ever carry a loaded revolver was Eleanor Roosevelt.
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Polar bears are left-handed.
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McDonald’s did away with its spoon-shaped coffee stirrers because people were using them to snort cocaine.
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Men who kiss their wives in the morning live five years longer than those who don’t.
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Outside of the bedroom, the most common place for adults in the U.S. to have sex is in a car.
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At any given hour there are an average of 61,000 people airborne over the United States.
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Seven pitches is the average life span of a Major League Baseball.
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Twenty nine percent of women spend more time shopping for shoes than they do looking for a life long mate.
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According to statistics, Australian women are most likely to have sex on the first date.
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It’s impossible to sneeze and keep your eyes open.
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The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
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The U.S. Government spent $277,000 on pickle research in 1993.
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American Airlines saved $440,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each first-class salad.
I hope that’ll ease the withdrawal pains caused by your useless crap addiction. I’m afraid I’m too far gone to be helped so I’ll just keep on collecting this stuff and shovel it off to you. As always, your welcome.
I have a lot of fun teasing my female readers but I hope they understand that it’s all done with my tongue firmly implanted in my cheek. I’m positive being a women is no bed of roses these days because almost every women I’ve ever known has spent a great deal of her time and mine telling me about it. I’m really very sympathetic to their plight but for the most part I have no easy answers or solutions for them.
Here are a few things I know would happen if I were suddenly turned into a warm, soft, built, attractive, and fire breathing woman with a man’s attitude and outlook on life. I suspect that slutiness would have a new poster girl. I’d find it extremely difficult to keep my panties on if I actually chose to wear any. I’d be like that famous women of yore who was known as a real "man eater". Married women would hate me, single women would envy me, and men would desire me. I’d give it up (if you know what I mean) at every opportunity much like General Robert E. Lee gave it up at Appomattox.
Like most women I’d refuse to admit my age and would do everything in my power to remain young looking and sexually active like good old Mae West did. One of her favorite quotes was "I’m not concerned about the men in my life, it’s the life in my men that worries me." That’s not an exact quote but you get the idea. After reading Mae’s quote I decided to search out a few more informative female quotes pertaining to aging and life as a senior. Here are a few quotes and short poems to help you ladies enjoy this posting even more.
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Please don’t retouch my wrinkles. It took me so long to earn them.
~ Anna Magnani
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You’re not 40, you’re eighteen with 22 years experience. ~Author Unknown
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After 30, a body has a mind of its own. ~ Bette Midler
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Getting old ain’t for sissies. ~ Betty Davis
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It’s sad to grow old, but nice to ripen. ~ Brigitte Bardot
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Forget about the past, you can’t change it.
Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one."
– Unknown
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Nature gives you the face you have at twenty, but it’s up to you to merit the face you have at fifty. ~ Coco Chanel
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The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you’ll grow out of it. ~ Doris Day
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We know we’re getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it. ~ Unknown
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I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart. ~ Unknown
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You’ve had many many birthdays,
Too many for me to mention,
But there’s still one or two more
Before you draw your pension.
~ Unknown
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Life has got to be lived – that’s all there is to it. At seventy, I would say the advantage is that you take life more calmly. You know that "this, too, shall pass!" ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
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Looking fifty is great–if you’re sixty. ~ Joan Rivers
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If you survive long enough, you’re revered-rather like an old building. ~ Katherine Hepburn
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The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. ~ Lucille Ball
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I like my bifocals,
my dentures fit me fine,
my hearing aid is perfect,
but Lord I miss my mind!
-Unknown
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do. ~ Phyllis Diller
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Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. ~ Unknown
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"They say that age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body." ~ Unknown
As for all of you men out there, don’t worry I’ll be sure to dedicate a posting only for our gender at some future time. I thought it was only proper to give the ladies their due after all the fun I’ve been having at their expense in recent weeks.
Yesterday’s posting was all about my misadventures in the land of female fantasies. I think I learned a little from some of the comments by my female readers and I appreciate that. I’m pretty sure none of the information will improve my sex life but I do feel a little smarter than I did yesterday. Today is a new day and my interest has changed into a discussion of why men feel fortunate to be men.
It makes no sense for me to try and create a list of men’s sexual fantasies. The list would be endless and as all of you women out there suspect many of the fantasies would be more than a little perverted. So my job today is to explain simply and unprevertedly (my new made up word) why we’re so happy to be men.
After cruising around the net today I found a few interesting sites that contained discussions and suggestions on the reasons why men are happy to be men. Some of the reasons are funny, some are stupid, some are ignorant, and in my humble opinion they’re all true. I’m sure most men will agree that the following list is closer to the truth than we’d like to admit. I found hundreds of reasons articulated by many intelligent and semi-intelligent people but eliminated pages full of the more stupid and senseless. I settled on these twenty to try and make my point. They are listed in no particular order of importance. Just finish this sentence:
WE LOVE BEING MEN BECAUSE . . . . . .
- The world is our urinal and we’re not afraid to use it.
- We can buy condoms without cashiers trying to picture us naked.
- We can rationalize any behavior with the phrase "Screw it."
- We require movie nudity to be female and frontal.
- A week long vacation requires only one suitcase.
- All of our orgasms are real.
- A beer gut doesn’t make us invisible to the opposite sex.
- We have the ability to pee alone.
- No one secretly wonders whether we swallow.
- We can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
- If we’re in our thirties and single, nobody notices or cares.
- We can write our name in the snow.
- We get to think about sex 90% of our waking hours.
- Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
- We don’t give a rat’s ass if anyone likes our hair.
- We can sit with our knees apart no matter what we’re wearing.
- We don’t have to leave the room to make a crotch adjustment.
- If we retain water, it’s in a alcoholic beverage.
- We’re never not in the mood for sex.
- Porn movies are designed with our mind in mind.
I’ll apologize now to all of you female readers. I actually feel bad for you because some of these reasons are pretty cool but you’ll never get to experience or appreciate them like we men do. You just need to remember that there are just as many pluses in being a woman as a man and I’m sure I could compile a pretty good list. I’ll give it a little more thought over the next few weeks and possibly come back with a list for you ladies.
I’d like to welcome you to the planet Mars, since I’m told that’s where men are from. This must be Mars and I’ll tell you why. As part of my never ending search for information to assist me in understanding the female animal I stumbled into the incredibly confusing world of women’s sexual fantasies. To say I was surprised at what I found would be an understatement. It seems that almost everyone has their opinions of what those fantasies are and aren’t shy about putting them out there.
I’m going to show you two top ten lists that claim to have the inside scoop on what women fantasize about. Both I suspect were written by men and they seem a little too good to be true. Here’s list number one:
1. Private Dancer (Striptease)
2. Exhibitionism
3. Force Fantasies
4. Voyeurism
5. Threesome With Two Men
6. Threesome With Another Woman
7. Sex With A Stranger
8. Teacher/Student (Spanking)
9. Domination (You Dominating Her)
10.Domination (Her Dominating You)
Now you understand why I thought I was on Mars. These sound all too familiar to what a list of men’s fantasies would be. I’ve dated a lot of women over the years and been involved in a few serious relationships but never was I made privy to the things on this list. I’ll admit I was made aware of a few of these items but no single women ever claimed ownership of them all. Some of those women were borderline crazy (in a good way) but at best they only rang the bell on six of these items. Now lets look at the second list.
1. Oh my virgin ears (Rape Fantasy)
2. Strap me on, I’m going in (Strap-on Penis)
3. Three-way w/Two Men.
4. Leave a Good Tip (Stripper)
5. I taw, I taw a putty tat (Sex w/woman and a Man Watching)
6. Being Sexually Dominated
7. Lay Me Out on Display (Exhibitionism)
8. Who’s Your Daddy? (Domination of a Man)
9. The More the Merrier (Group Sex)
10.Sex With a Stranger
This is very similar to the first list but in a slightly different order of importance. I’d like any of you women out there to confirm for me that this is even close to the truth. I’ve hoped and prayed that I’d find a women with a list like this my whole life. If most women feel this way then I may have just discovered how little I really knew for all these years. I could become clinically depressed and be forced into therapy if this is all true. Finding out that most women had better fantasies than I did would be devastating.
I’m going to stop writing now because I can feel the depression coming on.
everyuselessthing.com 