Archive for the ‘women’ Tag
I’ve been accused by my better-half on more than one occasion that she knows what I’m thinking when I say certain words. I refuse to repeat any of her examples because it’ll only make her think she’s right and then I’d never ever hear the end of it. It did get me thinking about certain words and phrases I’ve been hearing for most of my life from female family members, girlfriends, and spouses. I think this list may be used as a reference guide to help me in my future discussions (arguments) with my better-half concerning these matters. I’m sure if I put my mind to it I could add another twenty of thirty items to this list but what’s the point. For my male readers I’m sure you’ll recognize some of these golden oldies used by generations of women to confuse and misdirect us. War is truly hell when it involves the sexes. Arm yourselves with as much ammunition and information as you can. You’ve been warned.
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FINE – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut the hell up.
WHATEVER – This is the new favorite word women use to convey “screw you”or “up yours”.
FIVE MINUTES – This means half an hour.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? – This has no real meaning. They only say it every fifteen minutes to drive us effing crazy.
NOTHING – This is the calm before the storm. This actually means "Something," and you should stand with your back to the nearest wall. ‘Nothing’ usually means Something and it’s Something bad for you.
GO AHEAD – This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it, trust me, DON’T DO IT.
FINE! - Does not really mean fine at all. It means “Fine, you rotten SOB” and you’ll be sorry for bringing it up.
LOUD SIGH – A sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and a moron and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
THAT’S OKAY – This means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you’ll pay for your mistake.
THANKS – A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome but make no direct eye contact.
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I hope this helps all of you men out there in your attempts to understand just what your woman or women are really saying. It takes decades for us men to even scratch the surface of understanding women and I’m firmly convinced we never will. We just have to keep trying.
For as long as I can remember the “Battle of the Sexes” has raged on and on and on and on. After living through the bra burning years and ERA I thought it might finally ease up a little but once again I was wrong. With women’s salaries edging upward and their elevated management positions becoming the norm rather than the exception I’d hoped for the best. I was wrong again. Are you sensing a pattern here? No matter what I do in any association with any woman, I’m immediately wrong (whether I am or not) strictly because I’m a man.
My interactions with women both in the workplace and my personal life have resulted in my hearing the same old complaints and worn out clichés. “You men are all alike.” “It’s just like a man to do something like that.” “I can’t break through that glass ceiling because men discriminate against me.” “Men are unfair.” Are you seeing a particular pattern here too? Good, I hope you are.
The point I’m trying to make is that women have made a great deal of progress over the years but just can’t seem to acknowledge it. They want more! If they ruled the planet entirely they’d be upset that they aren’t ruling the entire universe and all those bad aliens out there are discriminating against them.
To further make my point I submit the following excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. This article was written for male supervisors of women in the workforce during World War II. Read on ladies and see what having a double standard is really all about.
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Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees
There’s no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from Western Properties:
1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they’re less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn’t be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.
2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It’s always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.
3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls – those who are just a little on the heavy side – are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.
4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination – one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.
5. Stress at the outset the importance of time; the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.
6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they’ll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.
7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.
8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.
9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can’t shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman – it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.
10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl’s husband or father may swear vociferously, she’ll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.
11. Get enough size variety in operator’s uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can’t be stressed too much in keeping women happy.
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No ambitious person should ever just settle. Working hard and getting the job done still works whether your male or female. I think it’s time to drop the blame game against all men and get back to work. Just saying.
I’ve written many a post over the years about sex, relationships, and especially women. I ‘m the same as most men, we really don’t have a complete grasp on what women want or expect before, during, and after sex. Some times we get lucky and do things just right but as a woman changes so does her desires during sex. Lick an ear lobe one day and your just so damn sexy. Wait a week, lick the same ear lobe and get a somewhat tepid response. Women?
I decided that a thorough search on the Web might help me clarify a few things if I could find a few females willing to help me. I think the following list of things women like or love might be helpful to all of you inept men out there. It reminds me an episode of Friends where Monica and Rachel attempt to educate Chandler about various female erogenous zones. It was funny and sad at the same time.
Let’s get started. For all of you women out there who feel the need to respond to these facts, please be kind and keep the profanity to a minimum.
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Stay in Shape: This becomes increasingly difficult as we age. Older men have the proverbial pot belly and it can be difficult to stop Mother Nature from intruding into your bedroom. Let change this category to Stay in the Best Shape You Can. Start doing exercises and other techniques to help you improve. She’ll be begging for much more sex once you do!
Take Your Time: More extended foreplay. Think about it, by delaying the penetration and enjoying the foreplay, she’d feel more wet and will enjoy sex a lot more.
Emotional Connection. To enjoy sex better, women need to feel connected to the man emotionally. Well, this doesn’t make one night stands less sexy but in a relationship where you’ve had sex a few times, you always need to focus on making her feel loved and emotionally connected to you.
Raise Her Self esteem. For a woman, self esteem is one of the most important things to help her feel sexy about herself when she’s in bed with a man. When you’re making love with your women, make her feel loved and comfortable, and compliment her body or any other specific regions that you find sexy. Women love a man who boosts their ego in bed.
Talking Dirty: Yes, I’ve been a dirty talker for years. It’s a type of oral sex that I found quite satisfying once I discovered that women love it too. Not every woman loves it but more do than I ever thought possible.
More Experimentation: Women crave new things more than men. Keep a drawer full of gadgets, extra batteries, and a copy of the Kama Sutra nearby. A six pack or two of various flavored lubricants won’t hurt either.
A Little Danger: Dare to take a chance or two. Sex in unusual places can be thrilling. I’ve ben known to try storerooms, closets, park benches, restroom stalls, and even cars upon occasion. Use your imagination, and you’ll be surprised at just how much risk many women are willing to take.
Satisfy her: Can you really enjoy sex if you don’t finish yourself off? Of course, you can’t. And for women, it works the same way. Don’t focus only on your own needs. Take it slow and warm her up, and don’t ejaculate until your woman has orgasmed first.
Give All of Her Your Attention: If you really want your woman to have a wild time in bed, don’t isolate yourself to just a place or two on her body. Focus on all of her, kiss her hands, lick her navel, kiss her toes, the back of her neck and everywhere else. If she moans you know you’re doing the right thing.
End It With Love: Afterplay is just as important as foreplay for a woman. Cuddle after sex and talk to each other for a few minutes. Add in a few kisses and compliments and she’ll love you for the great guy you are.
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You’ll notice I didn’t address the size and shape of male and female genitalia at all. I just didn’t see the need. Size can be important to some but in general I think it’s overrated. Big breasts, little breasts, big penis little penis . . . . So what! If you can successfully learn half of the items on the above list you’re likely to be a better lover regardless of size.
I find women interesting and the older I get the more interesting they become. Highly emotional with all of the accompanying maternal instincts that pretty much control their lives. The consequences of being the child bearing gender are many but in small doses they aren’t too bad. As with everything else, too much of a good thing can end up being a real problem.
It’s been my observation that certain women have children, love them, raise them, and send them on their way. You’d think they’d be happy to have accomplished such a difficult task as having and then raising a child or two or three or even four. I guess it all depends on the individual woman.
Normally what occurs after the nest has been emptied is their subtle and sometimes subconscious need to try and refill it. Who’s the only logical candidate to help them accomplish that? The poor spouse or partner. He becomes the target of all those wonderful traits that attracted him to her in the first place. It’s a totally different situation when she begins treating her spouse or partner like he’s a prepubescent child. The hovering and constant nit-picking can drive a person over the edge.
How can a man deal with these problems without getting angry and hurting her feelings? Not an easy proposition but unless you find a solution there could be big trouble in River City.
Fortunately if the woman is reasonably aware of what she’s doing and after a period of time (hopefully short) and with the man’s help this phase will pass and life can return to normal (whatever that is). As a man your lucky if this Empty-Nest Syndrome passes quickly and the one thing that can make that happen is the arrival of that first grandchild. All of those pent up motherly feelings can now be targeted to the new baby which in turn makes the man’s life a little easier (but not for long).
Just when you think your life will finally calm down without any more unneeded drama the scariest thing you could ever imagine arrives, “THE CHANGE”. Night sweats, hot flashes, temper tantrums, and a really unfriendly alter-ego that turns your soulmate and life partner into Mrs. Hyde. It could take years for this to come and go and it is one helluva a rough ride for all involved.
I found out the hard way just how bad it can be but after much experimentation I discovered a simple way to short circuit the Change a little. You can’t cure the physical side effects of the Change but you can lessen the impact of the other symptoms with a healthy dose of humor. It’s almost impossible for her to be totally crazy if you can keep her laughing. Mix in healthy doses of hugging, touching, and other dangerous activities and you may just survive to reach the promised land. The promised land is that wonderful place where you can have all the sex you want without fear of pregnancy. It’s weird that Mother Nature makes you wait until old age for this to occur. It would have been nicer to have that luxury back in my thirties.
There you have it. You’re now in your sixties, retired, and have all the time in the world for all that sex you’ve always complained you never had time for. Unfortunately you also no longer have the kind of stamina that’s necessary to fulfill all of your insane sex fantasies. On top of that you have aches and pains in odd places making things even more interesting and difficult.
Mother Nature is one ironic and totally unfunny woman.
As I’ve lived my somewhat interesting life I’ve noticed a few things. The constant stream of insults and insensitive comments made by both men and women about each other is one of the most puzzling. Every guy I’ve known has done it at times as do most women. My mother and father did it for sixty years to each other, sometimes jokingly and other times not so much. It makes no sense that we do these things to each other but we do.
Since I’ve been old enough to be called a man I’ve had any number of women repeat certain statements to me, "You men are all the same.", “That’s really stupid, it must be a man thing.” For both men and women it appears that this behavior has been passed down from past generations to us. Nothing irritates me more than broad-brush generalities used to denigrate large groups of people. I know it would really tick off my better-half if If I made caustic comments about women but even saying that hasn’t stopped it from happening between us on occasion.
These tendencies are used as a last resort in most arguments to help us put each other on the defensive. I hope that it’s just a way of garnering attention and not what is actually believed. Here are twelve quotes, bumper stickers, jokes, and anonymous sayings from many and varied females about men.
Women on Men
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"Boobs are the proof that men can focus on 2 things at once."
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"Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you." — Mae West
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"Any woman that thinks the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high."
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"Men only have two faults: Everything they say and everything they do."
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"Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in." — Katherine Whitehorn.
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"Husbands are like fires; they go out when unattended." — Zsa Zsa Gabor.
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"There’s nothing like a girl with a plunging neckline to keep a man on his toes."
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"A woman can fake an orgasm, but it takes a man to fake an entire relationship."
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"Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all."
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"A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car." — Carrie Snow.
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"Most men would never get laid if it weren’t for the pity fuck."
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"War is menstruation envy."
Women can be cruel in their humor but I must force myself to be fair in this discussion. Men are just as bad and like women they do it more when they’re in groups. It’s like a bonding requirement for both sexes within their specific gender groups. So, let’s all agree that men are just as bad as women and to prove that point here are twelve perfect examples.
Men on Women
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"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." — P. J. O’Rourke.
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"We have drugs to make women speak, but none to keep them silent." — Anatole France.
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"Do you know why they call it PMS ? Because Mad Cow Disease was taken." — Unknown
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"Brigands will demand your money or your life, but a woman will demand both." — Samuel Butler.
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"When a guy goes to a hooker, he’s not paying her for sex, he’s paying her to leave."
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"Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex."
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"I’ve finally found the perfect girl, I couldn’t ask for more. She’s deaf and dumb and over-sexed. And owns a liquor store."
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"Here’s to our wives and sweethearts — may they never meet." — John Bunny.
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"An 11 is a 10 who doesn’t have headaches."
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"Girls are like rocks; you skip the flat ones."
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"God created the orgasm so that women can moan even when they are happy."
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"I have always dreamed of being in bed with a hot woman. Little did I know I would have to wait until she reached menopause." — Lee Entrekin.
With all of this going on with both sexes it’s a miracle that the human race hasn’t gone extinct before now. It’s the ultimate love/hate relationship. Maybe it’s just the ultimate genetic push for women to procreate that over rides their general disdain for the men needed to make it happen. Maybe it’s the incredible pleasure women can offer men to help them overcome their issues with the female gender. Who knows for sure, certainly not me.
Will the day ever come when the bickering and sarcasm will stop. I’d have to say "no way". Maybe it takes more passion than I first thought to prompt all of the stressful name calling, jokes, and sarcasm. Passion apparently trumps everything and allows the sexes a few moment of intense pleasure together long enough to keep the human race in existence.
War is hell.
I’d like to welcome you to the planet Mars, since I’m told that’s where men are from. This must be Mars and I’ll tell you why. As part of my never ending search for information to assist me in understanding the female animal I stumbled into the incredibly confusing world of women’s sexual fantasies. To say I was surprised at what I found would be an understatement. It seems that almost everyone has their opinions of what those fantasies are and aren’t shy about putting them out there.
I’m going to show you two top ten lists that claim to have the inside scoop on what women fantasize about. Both I suspect were written by men and they seem a little too good to be true. Here’s list number one:
1. Private Dancer (Striptease)
2. Exhibitionism
3. Force Fantasies
4. Voyeurism
5. Threesome With Two Men
6. Threesome With Another Woman
7. Sex With A Stranger
8. Teacher/Student (Spanking)
9. Domination (You Dominating Her)
10.Domination (Her Dominating You)
Now you understand why I thought I was on Mars. These sound all too familiar to what a list of men’s fantasies would be. I’ve dated a lot of women over the years and been involved in a few serious relationships but never was I made privy to the things on this list. I’ll admit I was made aware of a few of these items but no single women ever claimed ownership of them all. Some of those women were borderline crazy (in a good way) but at best they only rang the bell on six of these items. Now lets look at the second list.
1. Oh my virgin ears (Rape Fantasy)
2. Strap me on, I’m going in (Strap-on Penis)
3. Three-way w/Two Men.
4. Leave a Good Tip (Stripper)
5. I taw, I taw a putty tat (Sex w/woman and a Man Watching)
6. Being Sexually Dominated
7. Lay Me Out on Display (Exhibitionism)
8. Who’s Your Daddy? (Domination of a Man)
9. The More the Merrier (Group Sex)
10.Sex With a Stranger
This is very similar to the first list but in a slightly different order of importance. I’d like any of you women out there to confirm for me that this is even close to the truth. I’ve hoped and prayed that I’d find a women with a list like this my whole life. If most women feel this way then I may have just discovered how little I really knew for all these years. I could become clinically depressed and be forced into therapy if this is all true. Finding out that most women had better fantasies than I did would be devastating.
I’m going to stop writing now because I can feel the depression coming on.
A few days ago I posted a bit of humor about men visiting Lowes at different stages of their lives. I tag these types of posts as humor but as always there are a few of you out there who insist on taking things as a personal attack. I received a somewhat smarmy email from a gentleman in Canada who took me to task for having made men look too foolish. I won’t assume anything about someone who sees a posting described as humor and then takes time out of his busy day to write an email complaining about the humor. He truly must be a Canadian.
Being the fair minded individual that I am I’ll dedicate this HUMEROUS post in his honor with the hopes he has a women in his life who can explain it to him. If I’m going to receive stupid and inane emails I’d prefer them to be from women. As a warning to all of you folks in Canada, THIS POSTING CONTAINS HUMOR. Be on your guard.
What Woman Desire in Men
20’s
- Handsome
- Works Out Regularly
- Charming
- Financially Successful
- A Caring Listener
- An Imaginative and Romantic Lover
30’s
- Nice Looking
- Listens More Than Talks
- Smells Good
- Carries Groceries With Ease
- Owns at Least One Tie
- Requires Sex Once a Week
40’s
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Not Too Ugly – Bald OK
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Doesn’t Smell Too Bad
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Usually Wears a Shirt to Cover His Stomach
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Remembers to Put the Toilet Lid Down
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Shaves on Most Weekends
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Requires Sex Once a Month
50’s
- Keeps Hair in Nose and Ears Trimmed
- Doesn’t Belch or Scratch in Public
- Doesn’t Nod Off While I’m Talking
- Remembers My Name
- Shaves on Some Weekends
- Requires Sex Once a Quarter
60’s
- Remembers Where the Bathroom Is
- Can Stand By Himself
- Usually Wears Some Clothes
- Social Security Eligible
- Remembers Where He Left His Teeth
- Vaguely Remembers Sex
70’s
- Collecting Social Security
- Can Still Drive
- Breathing
- Breathing
- Breathing
- Breathing
There you have it ladies. If you find any omissions or errors please drop me a comment or email with the particulars. I’ll immediately forward them to my new Canadian friend for his thoughts on the matter. I’m just kidding of course. My only message for Ontario Joe is BITE ME!
It’s May Day at last with the dreariness of winter slowly fading into memory. It’s time to celebrate the Spring and the rebirth it offers. How’s that for a huge load of manure? If you’ve had enough of that kind of talk then sit back and enjoy this discussion about sex.
I’ve known a few women over the years who are impossible to forget. I’ve had gay female friends, prudish female friends, and even promiscuous female friends but there’s one in particular I remember the best. I haven’t seen her for more than ten years but the memory of her still lingers.
I’ve been called an obsessive person by more than a few people. It’s doubly strange that I have such a hard time dealing with other obsessives. That was the case with this women who was obsessed with oral sex and took her obsession quite seriously. I’d pull into a drive-thru and she’d be on me like a lioness on a wildebeest. She loved shocking people which on many occasions included me. I was always at risk for that sort of surprise and eventually I was afraid to take her out in public. I know most of the men reading this are probably wondering if I’d lost my mind. Maybe I did for a while. I’m not complaining about the sex because it was great but the circumstances under which it occurred could be off-putting. I’m no exhibitionist and having an audience would never be my first choice. We eventually went our separate ways with a full range of mixed emotions on my part.
The following list was sent to me from her a number of years ago and made me smile. She’s apparently is still alive and well and living her dream. I considered editing the content but what would be the point. Here it is.
Blow Job Rules from Women
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to Rule #1 – If you get one, be grateful.
3. No, I DON’T have to swallow.
4. My ears are NOT handles.
5. Having my period does not mean that it’s “HUMMER WEEK.” Get it through your head…I’m bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don’t feel particularly obligated to blow you just because you can’t have sex right now.
6. “Blue Balls” might have worked on high school girls; if you’re that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
7. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
8. If you like how I do it, it’s probably best not to speculate about the origins of my talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that I’m good at it.
9. No, I don’t care about the protein content.
10. No, I will not do it while you watch TV.
11. When you hear your friends complain about how they don’t get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
12. Just because “it’s awake” when you get up does not mean I have to “kiss it good morning”.
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She was never too shy back in the day and it appears she hasn’t changed a lick (no pun intended).
In my effort to maintain some sort of handle on our modern day culture I spend a portion of my time exploring the odd and weird corners of this wonderful tool called the Internet. You’ll notice that nowhere in that last sentence was the word FUN mentioned. The reason being that most of the time there is no fun involved.
I may have made a few mentions in the past concerning women, their foibles and humorous approaches to life in general. Sometimes they are interesting and sometimes not so much. Today it’s time to even things up a little and give some men the boot in the ass they seem to deserve.
I landed on a web site recently called askmen.com where a list of the Top 99 Women of 2013 had been created and posted. I’m not sure how you determine the 99 Top Women for 2013 when it’s only April. I guess if you’re a women who does something really great or interesting in the last eight months of this year, you don’t count. The site is a little unclear who was responsible for making this list or the requirements needed to be named. Is it the prettiest, the sexiest, the smartest, the biggest boobs, the nicest ass, or what? I still don’t know.
Being the curious person that I am I began at the bottom of the list with Berenice Marlohe. Who the hell is that you ask, why it’s the newest James Bond girl. My first thought was “So What!” Then to Kim Kardashian, who needs no introduction to her stupid and ignorant fans in this country. Next I find Kate Moss, the former drug using model who now gets naked so she can appear with Rihanna in the magazine "V".
Let’s recap so far. One untested actress, one money hungry TV slut, and one second rate model forced to show her goods as a backdrop to Rihanna. That tells me immediately this is not the list of possible women role models for our younger generations nor is it the list of women who’ve made any noticeable contributions to our society. It’s the list of what some unknown list-maker has decided are the most sexy and easiest babes to look at. I might be forced to question this list-maker’s qualifications because in my opinion he doesn’t have a clue. I don’t want to get into a rant on this subject just yet so let’s check out a few more of their so called candidates for fame and fortune.
Next is Paula Gretsky, daughter of Wayne. Fresh from her bikini shoot at Maxim magazine. Then comes Raquel Diaz aka Rocsi, a BET video show hostess, and then Jenna Marbles, a former YouTube sensation, who put out a half-assed video that happened to go viral. WTF is going on? I should tell you now that Jennifer Lawrence was the number one selection for 2013 and that Charlize Theron came in at number 97. This list-maker is either blind, stupid, or fifteen years old. Does that make any kind of sense to you at all? It doesn’t for me.
I’ve always gone out of my way to defend my gender but it’s times like this I wonder if I’m doing the right thing. This web site should be avoided at all costs and I won’t be providing a link to it here. These so-called lists created from their so-called readership seem to me to be bogus. It’s just a cheap and lame attempt to drive the hit rate of their site with as many hot female bodies as they can find. It’s the same scheme used by Sports Illustrated every year with their Swimsuit Edition. Hey guys, it’s already been done to death so please stop. As a man I’m a little embarrassed by the whole thing and so should all of you.
There are a few things that are unavoidable in life. Death and taxes come to mind but a few others are almost as unavoidable especially if you’re a man. I’ve been around longer than I care to admit and that in itself has inevitably forced me to closely study and attempt to understand the human female. As hard as it is to believe, I’ve made very little progress. On any given day I’m confronted with comments from women about guys “leaving the seat up” or “being difficult to talk to” and a host of other broad-brush criticisms. All I can do is smile a little, say nothing, and be amused by the fact they really don’t understand us either.
Today was a perfect example. I was asked along on one of her famous shopping excursions so I prepared as I always do. I packed my e-reader, one book, and my camera. This is the basic survival equipment required for these short local shopping trips. I also have several other necessities I require for extended shopping trips that last more than three hours including but not limited to binoculars, a back scratcher, a pillow, and a a warm fuzzy blanket. Being a former Boy Scout I’m still a big believer in the motto, “Be Prepared”. I need these things to keep me comfortable as I wait in the car in front of every Kohl’s, Target, Michael’s, and Wal-Mart. The alternative is go in and push a cart around for a mile or two and idiot watch. Do I get any credit for just keeping her company? A big no. It’s always something like “you men, you never want to be with us. You just sit in the car and play with your toys”. How’s that for gratitude? I’ll have you know anything I own that cost me more than $400.00 is no freaking toy. Sorry, it just had to be said but unfortunately only the men are listening.
I have a few other issues with women but no one seems to pay much attention to my thoughts and conclusions. Simple stuff, like why does it take fifteen minutes to pull a car into the garage and get out. I’ve timed my better-half many times and it’s never takes her less than ten minutes. Gotta check the hair and the makeup (for some reason), then she goes through her bags (always carrying at least two), checks the back seat, glove compartment , and possibly her pulse and blood pressure as well. Do I loudly criticize her for these things? Not anymore. I gave up even mentioning them years ago because it was a waste of time. It goes in one ear and directly out the other.
What are my conclusions. I have none. But as a human male who is a long standing member of the Men’s union and a continuing target for female criticisms (valid or otherwise), I’ll keep trying to make sense of it all.
A few juicy wisecracks immediately come to mind but today I’ll ne nice. I won’t use them except in my own defense if she starts getting feisty when she can’t find clothes that will fit. I’ll do my best to convince her it’s not the fault of all the men in the world that she can’t fit her ass into a pair of jeans. I guarantee you she won’t believe a word of it.
This is what I would call a text book example of what a women would consider a normal relationship. They talk and we listen, just perfect.
everyuselessthing.com 
I’ve been accused by my better-half on more than one occasion that she knows what I’m thinking when I say certain words. I refuse to repeat any of her examples because it’ll only make her think she’s right and then I’d never ever hear the end of it. It did get me thinking about certain words and phrases I’ve been hearing for most of my life from female family members, girlfriends, and spouses. I think this list may be used as a reference guide to help me in my future discussions (arguments) with my better-half concerning these matters. I’m sure if I put my mind to it I could add another twenty of thirty items to this list but what’s the point. For my male readers I’m sure you’ll recognize some of these golden oldies used by generations of women to confuse and misdirect us. War is truly hell when it involves the sexes. Arm yourselves with as much ammunition and information as you can. You’ve been warned.
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FINE – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut the hell up.
WHATEVER – This is the new favorite word women use to convey “screw you”or “up yours”.
FIVE MINUTES – This means half an hour.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? – This has no real meaning. They only say it every fifteen minutes to drive us effing crazy.
NOTHING – This is the calm before the storm. This actually means "Something," and you should stand with your back to the nearest wall. ‘Nothing’ usually means Something and it’s Something bad for you.
GO AHEAD – This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it, trust me, DON’T DO IT.
FINE! - Does not really mean fine at all. It means “Fine, you rotten SOB” and you’ll be sorry for bringing it up.
LOUD SIGH – A sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and a moron and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
THAT’S OKAY – This means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you’ll pay for your mistake.
THANKS – A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome but make no direct eye contact.
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I hope this helps all of you men out there in your attempts to understand just what your woman or women are really saying. It takes decades for us men to even scratch the surface of understanding women and I’m firmly convinced we never will. We just have to keep trying.
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