Archive for the ‘Education’ Category
I’m about to make you aware of a newly discovered ailment causing much suffering to the human race. It’s a lifelong ailment that flares up on the average of once a year to disorient and dismay a large segment of the population. It’s like herpes with a smile. It’s called by those aware of it’s existence, PTCS, or Post Traumatic Christmas Syndrome. It begins in November with a certain uneasiness as you see your home begin to fill with boxes of purchases, Christmas cards, and other green and red paraphernalia. After a week your breathing becomes labored as you see the first credit card balances arriving with lists of things you don’t remember buying. The stress level continues to climb as odd foods show up and containers of candy and fruit cakes magically appear.
This syndrome peaks in December just as your on the verge of total collapse. All of a sudden things begin to disappear and within days your life is as it once was. It’s like being in a time warp with four or five lost weeks that you’d rather just forget. It will take months for you to recuperate and to refill your bank accounts. Also months of exercise and dieting to lose that ten pounds of body fat that appeared out of nowhere.
It also effects your mind making you happy to have suffered through this terrible time and you can’t wait for the next outbreak. Unfortunately it’s very contagious and targets the youngest of us almost immediately. It appears to be an airborne virus spread by physical contact and made even worse by groups of people who insist on singing together.
It’s insidious! The children just don’t have a prayer of being spared this affliction that could haunt them for decades. For hundreds of years certain people have searched for a cure but to no avail. A certain doctor from somewhere in Europe, Dr. I. M. Grinchakowski died a horrible death some years ago when his immunization program went horribly awry and he died from an overdose of frankincense and myrrh. It was a sad day but the search continues for a cure.
I’m only just beginning to feel the change that’s’ coming. It was a terrible few months where I was stressed, over fed, and I found myself smiling way too much. I should be back on my feet by New Years but these strange effects of PTCS could linger for months.
I think we should all hire attorneys and have PTCS declared a disability. We could limit the government stipend to a once a year payment from Social Security that we’d receive early in December.
Vote Democratic!
Five shopping days leaves little time to do much of anything. In keeping with the holiday I thought a little Christmas poetry was in order. This year for me has been more than a little strange. Broken bones and weight loss were my themes this year and thankfully I found this version of “The Night Before Christmas” written for strictly for us dieters. Enjoy!
The Dieter’s Night Before Christmas
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.
My droll little mouth and my round little belly,
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry–
If temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
In the morning I’ll starve… ’til I take that first bite!
Dieting for me isn’t quite Christmassy enough. Many years ago I had a “friend” sent me this next version which was much more to my liking. Sex always sells so why not a sexy “Twas the Nite Before” instead of the traditional version. Maybe on Christmas Eve I’ll sent along a copy of the original to get us all into the real Christmas spirit. Enjoy this off-color version for now.
Night Before Sexmas
Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we’d built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I’m speaking, he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn’t sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don’t hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, ’cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamppost, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
“That was some brothel,” he said with a smile,
“The reindeer are pooped, and I’ll just stay here awhile.”
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa’s next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn’t even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
“This stuff ain’t for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit.
So I’ll leave ’em here, and then I’ll just split.”
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,
Saying, “Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a BITCH!”
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!”
FIVE SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
I’m still trying desperately to figure out exactly what New Year’s resolutions I need to make for 2014. I’d like just once to be taking this process seriously instead of resorting to silly and humorous resolutions that I never intend to keep. I decided as always that further research is necessary to assist me in my endeavors.
Being the patriotic citizen that I am what better place to start than with the always politically correct US Government webpage. Here’s their suggested list of New Year’s resolutions for 2014 which are so politically correct and lame they must have been written by Obama himself.
Drink Less Alcohol
Eat Healthy Food
Get a Better Education
Get a Better Job
Get Fit
Lose Weight
Manage Debt
Manage Stress
Quit Smoking
Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle
Save Money
Take a Trip
Volunteer to Help Others
I was seriously tempted not to put that list in this posting because it’s so damn embarrassing. However it’s important that I look at all the possibilities when trying to decide what will be my goals for the new year. During my research I then discovered a suggested list of New Year’s resolutions for senior citizens. I knew that list was going to piss me off because there’s no way someone who is not a senior citizen can write a list for senior citizens. Here’s that list and it’s only a little offensive and condescending.
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Visit your local senior center.
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Plan to eat at least one nourishing meal a day, not junk food or fast food, but a real meal.
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Increase your social contacts and make new friends at any senior center.
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Consider getting help If you live alone and don’t have family or friends.
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Learn how to use the Internet.
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Schedule regular exercise.
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Clean house. Go through your residence to identify items you no longer want, need or will never use again.
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Get your papers/affairs in order.
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Consider a personal emergency response system.
Well was I right or was I wrong? You can’t expect much more from a non-senior. Now, in an attempt at diversity which I’m almost always famous for I decided to see what our friends in the hip-hop community are resolving to do during 2014. These listed resolutions are not from one single rapper but a number of people involved in the hip-hop music scene. They’ll speak for themselves with no further comments from me.
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I’m an artist…Silence is my canvas!
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Focus more on the music.
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By the end of the year I’d like to receive some monetary compensation for creating music.
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As nice as it is to get weed or liquor for beats, I think I’m ready to step up.
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Stop spending more time on set up and reading manuals than I do writing.
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Start playing my saxophone on a daily basis again? Oh yeah,and get some exercise…..
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Return to sample based 90’s boom bap including scratches.
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Take guitar lessons.
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Get back to basics and not focus on what I hear on the radio and finish my studio.
My one last attempt at finding some real help on the Internet landed me onto the trail of a British stripper. Her heartfelt resolutions touched my heart and seemed more genuine than most of the others I’ve mentioned. This is obviously a woman who loves her work and is trying to make those improvements necessary to increase her revenue stream. If I knew where she actually worked I just might be tempted to pay her a visit and be talked into stuffing a few good old American dollar bills into some really interesting British places.
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Work on my flexibility.
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Whiten those teeth.
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Work at least four days a week.
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Work on a few new variations to my lap dance routines.
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Wake up sober on Thursdays.
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I’m going to begin yoga until I can once again lick my own leg.
All of this research hasn’t help me at all. My list of resolutions for 2014 is still tentative. I can’t decide on what approach to take in writing them and this research has made it even more difficult. I have a few weeks before the end of the year and I’ll continue my diligent efforts to come up with a few real resolutions I can strive for. I’d hate to be forced to again resort to making a list with items that are humorous, sarcastic, and silly.
More to come.
I’m was never in high school during the 1950’s. I just wanted to be clear on that point because I was in what is now called Middle school. To say there are differences between now and the fifties is a huge understatement. As mentioned yesterday, political correctness is responsible for accelerating that change. Here are a few hypothetical scenarios showing the differences. When you first read them you might think the writer was exaggerating to make a point. If you really look at it honestly you can see it’s not exaggerated at all.
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Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.
1957 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2013 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2013 – Police called and SWAT team arrives — they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 – Jeffrey sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2013 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2013 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 – Mark shares his aspirin with a friend who also has a headache.
2013 – The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2013 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957 – Ants die.
2013 – ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents – and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny’s dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 –In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2013 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
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Do you honestly think it was exaggerated? I don’t. I’m glad for two things this Christmas season. One, that I’m not a kid attending school these days, and second, I have no grand children in the schools yet. It gives me time to get their minds right before the liberal academics begin their propagandizing.
MERRRRRRY CHRISTMAS
I’ve been fighting the good fight against political correctness for more years than I care to admit. All in all it’s made no difference whatsoever. It hasn’t changed my thinking in the least but I’m out numbered by people and government institutions that have more money and power than I. They’ve made political correctness a permanent part of the American landscape and I’m not sure what it will take to get us back on track. The only thing I’m absolutely sure is that I won’t be alive to see the change if it ever comes.
I’ll continue to fight the good fight and ridicule those politically correct fools whenever possible and use my sarcasm as a weapon against them. With that in mind I present for your edification the following article. It was sent to me by a long time friend in KC who is another warrior against political correctness. It made me laugh and then after I thought about it some more I stopped laughing. You sports fanatics will appreciate this.
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I agree with our Native American population—I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as warriors, but nay nay…. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.
Let’s ditch The Kansas City Chiefs, The Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your panties are in a bunch because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns as well.
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of the militant Blacks from the 60’s alive. Gone. Offensive to us white folk.
The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war between the states that cost this country so many young men’s lives. Besides, the South shall rise again!!
I’m also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our football team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres. The fact that there are birds on their shirts does not protect either the Arizona or the St. Louis Cardinals—gone!
Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged as their way of life. We are talking the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children—and it is all about the children. The Green Bay Packers and the St. Louis Rams–promote gay men. Wrong message to our children.
The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible spending habits. Wrong message to our children.
The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity–a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.
The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Drugs is definitely a wrong message to our children.
The Milwaukee Brewers—well, that goes without saying…. Wrong message to our children.
So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. A high priority directly behind efficiently managing our country’s health care.
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We will soon be watching the Unicorns vs Kittens on Sunday afternoons. GO UNICORNS, KICK THE HELL OUT OF THEM KITTENS! Can I get an amen?
I wonder about Christmas sometimes. We know it wasn’t the actual day that Christ was born and we’re pretty sure the entire story was made up well after the fact by people who weren’t even there. Yet it remains the ultimate religious observance except maybe for Easter where religion has slowly faded into the background. As always I have a lot of questions and felt the need to search out some answers. Unfortunately there are as many answers as there are versions of the original story. Here’s a few that I found.
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Why are there Twelve Days of Christmas?
Traditionally, it took the ‘Three Kings’ this number of days to find the baby Jesus. Their arrival on the twelfth day was celebrated in the form of the Feast of Epiphany in medieval France, and later in other countries.
Where did the Candy Cane come from?
In a small Indiana town, there was a candy maker who wanted to spread the name of Jesus around the world. He invented the Christmas Candy Cane, incorporating symbols for the birth, ministry, and death of Jesus Christ. He began with a stick of pure white, hard candy to symbolize the Virgin Birth. The candy maker formed the stick into a “J” to represent the name of Jesus or it can also represent the staff of the “Good Shepherd.” He thought the candy was too plain so he stained it with a red stripe to symbolize the blood shed by Christ on the cross.
Weird Christmas Games
Shoe the Wild Mare
Shoeing the Wild Mare is a traditional Christmas game that goes back to at least the early 17th century. Get a narrow(a few inches wide),strong wooden beam and suspend it from the roof with two even length ropes. The beam is the ‘mare’ of the title and should be level yet high enough above the floor so that a player’s feet are off-ground. A player ‘the farrier’ then sits on the ‘mare’ in the center, a leg on either side. This player has a hammer and has to give the underside of the beam “four time eight blows” at a designated spot. If he falls off, it is someone else’s turn. Much hilarity, and the odd broken shoulder ensues.
Snapdragons
Apparently this is the best game ever to play on Christmas Eve. Make sure you have the fire department on speed dial though. Very popular from the 16th to the 19th centuries, Snapdragons has explicably declined in popularity.
Gather everyone around the dining room table, place a large flat dish in the center. In the dish scatter a good handful of raisins then pour on top a layer of brandy or cognac. Set fire to the brandy and dim the lights. Players take turns plucking a raisin out of the burning liquid and eating it quickly. For a more competitive edge to the game use larger dried fruit such as apricots, one of which has a lucky coin stuffed inside.
Equipment needed: plate, matches, raisins, brandy, and the address of nearest fire department.
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I could easily have added another fifty items even more stupid than these but life’s too short. I’ve decided that every story about Christmas and every weird tradition that’s been adopted any where on the planet is nothing more than a large steaming pile. I give up. When it comes right down to it Christmas is no more legitimate than Kwanza. I’d love to be around in a hundred years or so to see what Kwansa morphs into. They’ll always be a herd of idiots who’ll believe almost anything they’re told by just about anyone. I wonder if this country will ever be invaded by Kwanza believers with bombs strapped to their chests, angry that their religion is being disrespected. It could happen. I’m also glad I won’t be here to see it.
MERRY EFFING KWANZA
As we progress through these times of trouble I sit back and watch what our politicians have put forth for consideration to solve our problems. Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, and Independents are almost interchangeable with only a few minor exceptions. The one true common denominator is their desperate need for reelection and their ability to BS and double talk around the tough questions.
(Sarcasm on) They have a tough job, no question. (Sarcasm off) Excellent salary, best medical benefits ever (exempt from Obamacare), best pension and retirement plan, and the ability to sell themselves to any lobbying organization once they’ve been ousted from office. I think it’s time we the public should use the most important and only tool we have, something called the vote. After watching these inept politicians for the last few years it’s becoming painfully obvious who they really care about. THEMSELVES! If they want to be reelected we must make them earn it. Being swayed by charisma and ignoring the facts will be the death of this nation.
I try to point out as often as possible that stupidity is running amok in the government because it’s becoming more obvious and overwhelming and I need to vent. It’s our responsibility to take the time to look and recognize it for what it is and to stop it. Stupidity is not a new thing to this government or to any other. These following definitions may assist you in identifying those in government who are truly stupid and acting against our collective best interests.
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STUPIDITY
1. Slow to learn or understand; obtuse.
2. Tending to make poor decisions or careless mistakes.
3. Marked by a lack of intelligence or care; foolish or careless: a stupid mistake.
4. Dazed, stunned, or stupefied.
5. Pointless; worthless: a stupid job.
n.
A stupid or foolish person.
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Now that you have the definitions in hand, look around, identify those who fit the bill and vote them out. No party or group should be permitted to continuously make decisions against the best interests of us all. As this year comes to an end it’s time to look at the results of this administration’s efforts and ask the big question. Do we want more of the same or is it time for real change, not some insincere election slogan repeated over and over again. The next presidential election is fast approaching and I hope we as a people choose intelligently this time.
“Wooden-headedness consists of assessing a situation in terms of preconceived, fixed notions while ignoring or rejecting any contrary signs. It is acting according to wish while not allowing one-self to be confused by the facts.” – Barbara Tuchman (1912-1989) “An Inquiry into the Persistence of Unwisdom in Government”
“In public affairs, stupidity is more dangerous than knavery.” – Woodrow Wilson (1856-1924) “The New Freedom: A Call for the Emancipation of the Generous Energies of a People”
“Kid, life’s hard. But it’s a lot harder if you’re stupid.” – Robert Mitchum (1917-1997) In Tom Tico, letter to the San Francisco Chronicle, 29 July 1997.
“STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES” – Forest Gump
Here’s Our Tree!
The end of November signals the start of all the normal Christmas insanity that most of us complain about. Shopping, crowds, traffic jams, annoying music, and people everywhere with their hands extended looking for money. It makes me happy not to be a religious person because if I were, I’d be really pissed off and upset. The Christmas tradition in this country has slowly morphed into a typical American greed-fest. I thought today I’d forward along a list of thirty factoids about the holiday from a few countries around the globe and many from the United States. Some are crazy and others just a little bit interesting. Enjoy them and hopefully they’ll spark some of that good old Christmas spirit from when you were a kid. I threw that photo of our tree in just to let you know I am participating regardless of how much I complain.
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Puritan Oliver Cromwell outlawed Christmas celebrations and carols in England from 1649-1660. The only celebrations allowed were sermons and prayers.
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The people at Reynolds (aluminum foil) make a substantial amount of money selling foil during the Yuletide season. It has been confirmed that at least 3000 tons of foil are used to wrap turkeys annually.
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Warning: Christmas shopping may be hazardous to your health. If you are an avid Christmas shopper statistics have concluded that you will be elbowed at least three times while shopping. Ouch!
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Sending Christmas cards is still the in thing to do around Christmas time. Americans on average send out 28 Christmas cards to friends and family yearly, and guess what, it’s certainly not in vain either, most will receive 28 for the same period.
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Christmas is a great time to exercise. You will walk an average of five miles between the parking lot and stores, however, don’t let this give you a false sense of security, most people still gain those pesky Christmas pounds despite this.
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Bolivians celebrate Misa del Gallo or “Mass of the Rooster” on Christmas Eve. Some people bring roosters to the midnight mass, a gesture that symbolizes the belief that a rooster was the first animal to announce the birth of Jesus.
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In Poland, spiders or spider webs are common Christmas trees decorations because according to legend, a spider wove a blanket for Baby Jesus.
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Alabama was the first state in the United States to officially recognize Christmas in 1836. Oklahoma was the last state the declare Christmas a holiday.
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The Germans made the first artificial Christmas trees out of dyed goose feathers.
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Each year more than 3 billion Christmas cards are sent in the U.S. alone.
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All the gifts in the Twelve Days of Christmas would equal 364 gifts.
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In A.D. 350, Pope Julius I, bishop of Rome, proclaimed December 25 the official celebration date for the birthday of Christ.
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According to the Guinness world records, the tallest Christmas tree ever cut was a 221-foot Douglas fir that was displayed in 1950 at the Northgate Shopping Center in Seattle, Washington.
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The traditional three colors of Christmas are green, red, and gold. Green has long been a symbol of life and rebirth; red symbolizes the blood of Christ, and gold represents light as well as wealth and royalty.
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According to data analyzed from Facebook posts, two weeks before Christmas is one of the two most popular times for couples to break up. However, Christmas Day is the least favorite day for breakups.
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Contrary to popular belief, suicide rates during the Christmas holiday are low.
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The world’s largest Christmas stocking measured 106 feet and 9 inches long and 49 feet and 1 inches wide. It weighed as much as five reindeer and held almost 1,000 presents. It was made by the Children’s Society in London on December 14, 2007.
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Christmas trees usually grow for about 15 years before they are sold.
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President Teddy Roosevelt, an environmentalist, banned Christmas trees from the White House in 1912.
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Each year there are approximately 20,000 “rent-a-Santa’s” across the United States. “Rent-a-Santa’s” usually undergo seasonal training on how to maintain a jolly attitude under pressure from the public.
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Christmas wasn’t declared an official holiday in the United States until June 26, 1870.
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Oklahoma was the last U.S. state to declare Christmas a legal holiday, in 1907.
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In 1962, the first Christmas postage stamp was issued in the United States.
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Christmas purchases account for 1/6 of all retail sales in the U.S.
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Because they viewed Christmas as a decadent Catholic holiday, the Puritans in America banned all Christmas celebrations from 1659-1681 with a penalty of five shillings for each offense.
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Because of their pagan associations, both the holly (associated with the masculine principle) and the ivy (the feminine) and other green boughs in home decoration were banned by the sixth-century Christian Council of Braga.
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There are two competing claims as to which president was the first to place a Christmas tree in the White House. Some scholars say President Franklin Pierce did in 1856; others say President Benjamin Harrison brought in the first tree in 1889. President Coolidge started the White House lighting ceremony in 1923.
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There are approximately 21,000 Christmas tree farms in the United States.
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The first printed reference to a Christmas tree was in 1531 in Germany.
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Approximately 30-35 million real (living) Christmas trees are sold each year in the U.S.
ENJOY THE SEASON
Did anyone every tell you the story about getting a message in a fortune cookie that said “Help me, I’m being held prisoner in a Chinese fortune cookie factory.” I’ve had a few people try that on me over the years and never thought it was all that funny. It’s still not funny especially now when I’m the guy who’s the prisoner.
It’s now been five weeks since I broke my damn leg and I’ve got to tell you the novelty of walking on crutches with a big clunky cast is long over. The only thing worse than breaking your leg is that you’re then being forced to walk with crutches. Crutches are the devil’s way of paying us back for all the bad things we’ve done in our life.
Being totally immobilized is the worst. I found I wasn’t able to do much of anything when on those effing crutches. I had to request my better-half to do everything because I had no ability to carry things from place to place. I tried with a cup of coffee but on my first attempt I spilled a large portion of really hot coffee directly onto my cat who insists on running between my legs every time I stand up. I’ll bet he won’t do that again.
So after a period of time I had to come up with some way of doing things on my own without any help. It wasn’t as easy as it sounds. I brought my wheeled computer chair from my man-cave to the upstairs and then using my crutches like oars was able to go into the kitchen, prepare a snack, and then paddle my way back to the living room. It was a moderately successful idea until I pushed too hard with one crutch, lost my balance, and flipped over. The food tasted kind of funny after I scrapped it off the floor and part of the wall and there was no way I could save the coffee. It amazes me just how large an area a medium sized cup of coffee can cover when tossed across the kitchen. It took me a long time to get it all cleaned up crawling around on my hands and knees and cursing a blue steak. It was time for a better idea.
I found an old jacket with a few large pockets and was finally able to pack the pockets full of goodies including my hot cup of coffee in a sealable travel mug. I was saved. Do you know you can carry bacon, eggs and toast folded up in between two paper plates and tucked into a partially zipped up jacket. I may be forced to come up with a few new recipes and packaging ideas for foods to be used by crutch handicapped people. That ideas a little out there even for me so I’ll save it for another day.
I now have the time to sit and design my other new idea, a Handy Dandy Crutch Caddy. Two really well designed saddlebags that can be attached to the lower part of the crutches. I could make one of the pockets insulated so the food remains hot during transport. Maybe I’ll throw in a wi-fi antenna for the on-the-go one-legged computer nerds out there. It’s a good project for me since I have a few more weeks of this nonsense to deal with and if I don’t stay mentally busy I will lose my effing mind.
Help, I’m being held prisoner.
Trying to understand the workings of the human brain is almost impossible. I do know that the brain has the ability to make us see things in a different way when it becomes confused. That’s one of the reasons that identifications at a crime scene by six people can be totally different from each other. One person sees a white Buick and another sees a blue Ford. It also explains why police don’t consider information obtained from eye witness testimony as entirely credible. I have no idea why the brain works the way it does and for the most part I don’t care, just as long as it keeps operating.
The following information was sent to me by a friend and I thought it might be of some interest to some of you. It’s a short test for your brain and your eyes. Give it a go and see how you fare.
Can you read this? It’s a little weird but interesting!
7H15 M3554G3
53RV35 7O PR0V3
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 1S
R34D1NG 17
4U70M471C4LLY
W17H 0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
B3 PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F
U C4N R34D 7H15.
If you can read this, you have a strange mind because I’m told only 55 people out of 100 can.
I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it.
The Eye Test
Can you find the B’s
(there are 2 B’s) DON’T skip, or your wish won’t come True…
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Once you’ve found the B’s now find the 1.
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII1III
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
Once you found the 1…………….
Find the 6
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999699999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
Once you’ve found the 6…
Find the N (it’s hard!!)
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMNMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
Once you’ve found the N…
Find the Q..
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOQOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
How did you make out? Did you have any difficulties? There are no right or wrong answers to these silly little tests. Just something to give your brain some exercise. There’s nothing worse than having a fat and lazy brain.
