Archive for the ‘Entertainment’ Category
I’m a consistent user of quotations. Sometimes they’re funny and other times they only assist my poor writings to make them seem more pertinent. Todays post contains a variety of quotes from a host of known and unknown writers. Some are funny and some not so funny. You may recognize the names of the authors and maybe you won’t. It’s not really about the authors but what they’ve written. Even people who are not well known actually have the ability to say some truly profound things.
- “The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn’t have that rule when Jesus was born.” Elaine Boosler
- “It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I’m wearing Milk Bone shorts.” Kelly Allen
- “Human kind cannot bear very much reality.” T.S. Eliot
- “When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason – there’s a reason.” Molly McGee
- “The main difference between men and women is that men are lunatics and women are idiots.” Rebecca West
❤️❤️❤️
- “The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married and the married wish to be dead.” Ann Landers
- “Canadians should come down to California and take the jobs away from our Mexicans.” Stanley Ralph Ross
- “Politics is a means of preventing people from taking part in what properly concerns them.” Paul Valery
- Wise men talk because they have somethin to say; fools talk because they have to say something. Plato
- “A good husband is healthy and absent.” Japanese Proverb
😼🐱😾
“My cat shit on my last painting. Should I take it personally?”
Me!
IT’S ONLY A DAY AWAY
Are you ready for a new batch of disturbing, disgusting, and naughty limericks? One of my biggest problems in posting limericks is that I have thousands of them available but in most cases they are extremely difficult to categorize. I made the ultimate sacrifice recently and forced myself to read hundreds of limericks and to try and establish some sort of categories. Todays post will include limericks concerning Sex Substitutes. These will be copied directly from my collections with rather blunt, off-color, and the occasional appropriate profanity. These will be rated “R”, so keep the youngsters away. Lets get rolling . . .
💥
There was a young girl of Batonger,
Who used to diddle herself with a conger.
When asked how it feels
to be pleasured by eels,
She said, “Just like a man but longer”.
💥💥
An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
Likes to jackoff the men that she loves,
She will use her bare fist
If the fellows insist
But she really prefers to wear gloves.
💥💥💥
There was a young parson named Goring
Who made a small hole in the flooring.
He lined it all round,
Then laid on the ground,
And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
💥💥💥💥
A nudist resort at Benares
Took a midget in all unawares.
But he made members weep
For he just couldn’t keep
His nose out of their private affairs.
💥❤️💥❤️💥
MORE TO CUM
I think we’ve all discovered the amount of weirdness online. It seems the weirder the post or vid the more likelihood of collecting a lot of clicks. Don’t ask me why. People crave being shocked and they seem to search out the bizarre for a cheap thrill. I like crazy and unusual as much as the next guy but I hesitate to follow some of the geniuses down their deep rabbit hole of truly strange and unusual fantasies. This post isn’t too strange because for me weird is only interesting if it’s true. These are true (LOL).
💞How To Find Your True Love 💞
Soak one of your socks in rose water, dry it out and put it under your bed. Send out nightly thoughts about your true love for a month, and then burn a red candle at sunset while thinking more about the object of your affections. Repeat for seven days.
❤️Here’s Another Way❤️
Pick a half-green half-red apple when the Moon is three days past full. Breathe on the green side and rub it with a red cloth while reciting this verse: “Fire sweet and fire red, warm the heart and turn the head.” Kiss the red half, and give it to the object of your desire. If he/she eats it he/she will fall under your spell.
⛈️Strange Rains⛈️
June 1901 -South Carolina – Cat fish, Perch, and Trout
August 1890 – Baghdad, Iraq – An edible substance (thought to be desert lichen of tamarisk) fell during a heavy shower. The locals gathered it up and made it into bread (Manna from heaven?)
1897 – Macerata, Italy – Millions of seeds from the Judas Tree dropped from a blood colored cloud.
1877 – Memphis, Tennessee – Hundreds of live snakes.
If you add up the time spent eating and drinking by an average person over the course of their entire life, it comes to approximately 5 years. This adds up to an estimated 33 tons of food you’ve eaten, which is the equivalent of six entire elephants. Unfortunately what goes in must eventually come out. The result is during your lifetime you will produce a pile of poo about the size of a medium sized car. Some animals, other than humans, that love to eat poo include rats, mice, rabbits, dung beetles, flies gorillas, and dogs.
💩💩💩
SO MUCH FOR TODAYS WEIRDNESS
I’ve been watching hundreds of Europeans since the World Cup ended who seem to be quite taken with the USA and especially all things Texas. Here’s another little gift directly from the wild, wild, west to all of those visitors. Even our limericks rock . . . .
💥
A cowgirl from old Amarillo
Kept finding strange heads on her pillow.
She decided one day
To keep them away
By stuffing her sweet parts with Brillo.
💥💥
‘Twas said that Calamity Jane
Found women and men both a pain.
So when in her nightie
This hermaphrodit-e
Fucked herself – which is hard to explain.
💥💥💥
A drunken old miner from Helena
Was walking one night when he fell in a
Prospector’s ditch.
No, he didn’t get rich.
What he said was so bad I’m not tellin’ ya.
💥💥💥💥
“I wonder,” a Mountain Man said,
“What fucking is like in a bed.
I’m so used to tall grass
On my balls and my ass,
That I prefer the prairie instead.”
❤️❤️❤️
A Fav
A well-hung young Oglala Sioux
Told girls that he always withdrew.
Those who believed
Very often conceived
‘Twas too long to get out “fore he blew.
COME BACK SOON, YOU PERVERTED EUROPEANS
(“You’ll be missed.”)
I did a lot of reminiscing today as I was leafing through many old files and folders from my early years a a police officer. As I reviewed these documents I was truly amazed just how much paperwork I still retained from those “good old days”. I found a few things that were really old but still really funny. The following statements were supplied to actual police officer’s and were copied directly from their official accident reports. As always the truth is stranger than fiction.
WOMEN
- “I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became smashed.”
- “A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”
- “I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.”
- “A invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and then vanished.”
- “I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and there was a crash.”
🚘🚓🚛
MEN
- “I saw the slow moving, sad faced, old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.”
- “A truck backed into my windshield into my wife’s face.”
- “In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
- “The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”
- “The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front bumper, removed his left rear tail light.”
- “When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.”
🚗🚘🚙
Welcome to the OMG club. Now you’ve heard it all too.
DRIVE SAFELY LOL
I love American history and will find, purchase, and read anything remotely related to it. Todays post will supply you lovers of history with a few facts you may not be familiar with. The first section will list the normal necessities of the early American soldiers.
- A flintlock musket and bayonet.
- A bayonet and spontoon (a large metal spearhead on a wooden pike).
- A sword for Infantry officers and a heavy saber for Cavalry.
- A Tomahawk or Axe if no bayonet was available.
- A Cartridge bag containing cartridge paper, lead balls, and black powder. Riflemen carried powder horns and shot bags.
- A Flint and tinderbox for staring fires.
- A hunting knife, knapsack and blanket.
- A canteen with folding eating utensils, scissors, and fishhook.
AND NOW YOU’RE READY TO FIGHT
A Serious Footnote
In those days women weren’t permitted in combat but here’s a story of one determined woman named Deborah Sampson. Her ancestors arrived on the Mayflower and she spent most of her childhood as an indentured servant. At the age of 21 she disguised herself as a man and enlisted in the Massachusetts militia as a infantry soldier, fighting as “Robert Shurtleft” (her deceased brother) for almost 2 years. When rumors of her deception spread in her hometown, she was excommunicated by her Baptist church for “dressing in men’s clothing”. Badly wounded at Tarrytown, she treated herself. Later when she contracted a fever in Philadelphia, an Army doctor discovered her secret and General George Washington may have been advised. Neither man betrayed her, and under her assumed name, she received an honorable discharge as “Robert Shurtleft”. Her subsequent efforts to receive a military pension were championed by no less than Paul Revere.
SPECIAL THANKS TO FRED DUBOIS & MARTHA HAILEY
- “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a closed room with a mosquito.” American Proverb
- “Seek knowledge, even if it be in China.” Muhammad
- “The more I see of the moneyed classes, the more I understand the guillotine.” George Bernard Shaw
- “There are three things that are very hard: steel, a diamond, and to know one’s self.” Ben Franklin
- “Nothing exists except atoms and empty space; everything else is opinion.” Democritos of Abdera
- “No call alligator long mouth till you cross the river.” Jamaican Proverb
- “How inappropriate to call this planet Earth when it is Ocean.” Arthur C. Clark
- “The only difference between a good shot and a bad shot is whether it goes in or not.” Charles Barkley
- “To see what is in front of one’s nose requires constant struggle.” George Orwell
- “One sometimes finds what one is not looking for.” Alexander Fleming
One of My Favorites:
“Light travels faster than sound – isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?” Steven Wright
ARE YOU FEELING ANY SMARTER?
I’m feeling a little calmer and relaxed after resolving all of my recent computer woes. What better way to begin another week than with a few limericks from one of my favorite limerick writers, John Ciardi. He was renowned far and wide for his limerick wars with Isaac Azimov. Enjoy some of his work.
💥
There was a young lady who wouldn’t
Her mother had told her she shouldn’t.
When dear mama died
She felt free. So she tried,
But by then she was so old she couldn’t.
💥💥
Cleopatra, when sex was new to her,
Kept buying up young slaves to tutor her.
But the Pharoah (her dad),
For fear she’d go bad,
Kept rendering them neuterer neuterer.
💥💥💥
A fallen young lady of fashion
Gave vents to all sorts of base passion.
Was she scorned? She was not,
For her ways brought a lot
Of highly respectable cash in.
💥💥💥💥
An insomniac young fellow named Hatches
Took a room in a whorehouse in Natchez.
He still tossed and turned
Half the night, but he learned
How to manage by sleeping in snatches.
❤️❤️❤️❤️
SPECIAL THANKS TO JOHN CIARDI
I wasn’t sure I’d be posting today since my best and fastest computer stopped cooperating a few days ago. With the assistance of my better-half, some written instructions from my nephew (who built it), and three or four thousand juicy curse words, I’m once again operational. A tip for those of you who may have computer issues of your own: RULE 1 – do not drink shots of whiskey while attempting to relocate and adjust tiny little switches in the computer. It slows down the progress immensely. Along with that my better-half found out just how skilled I was at stringing those curse words together. Her training continues. LOL Todays post is titled BIZARRE for a reason.
- Katherine Hepburn suffered from a phobia of dirty hair. When she was shooting films for Twentieth Century Fox, she would sniff the heads of cast and crew to make sure their hair was squeaky clean.
- In Vermont it is illegal to whistle underwater.
- Pennsylvania law books record a 1971 case of a man suing Satan – for his own bad luck and downfall. The case was thrown out of court on the grounds that Satan did not live in the state of Pennsylvania.
- Don’t ever fall asleep in a bath tub in Detroit. You could be arrested because sleeping in bathtubs is illegal in the city.
- “You have to be saved to get into heaven . . . you only have to be you to get into hell.” Marilyn Manson
- In the ancient city of Jericho the dead were buried under the houses they lived in. But first their heads were severed, covered with plaster and clay, and decorated for their families to worship.
- Catherine, wife of Russian czar Peter I, had a wandering eye, and Peter caught on. To teach Catherine a lesson, he forced her to watch her lover be killed, then pickled the lover’s head and kept it in their bedroom.
- In the 17th century, midwives had a custom of saving a woman’s afterbirth, or placenta, and then burning it. The superstition was that the number of times the burning placenta popped indicated the number of children the mother could expect in the future.
- For decades sports stars have claimed that appearing on the cover of Sports Illustrated magazine was the fastest way to a slump or defeat.
- When John Madden was the coach of the Oakland Raiders football team, he wouldn’t let the team leave the locker room until running back Mark van Eeghen had belched.
😣😣😣
WEIRD IS GOOD – BIZARRE IS BETTER
Here’s something I wish I’d posted prior to the World Cup taking ownership of our country. I found it in a book of random trivia facts which I will diligently attempt to paraphrase. Most countries think that Americans hate soccer. I think that’s probably true but to a lesser extent than you might think. Here is an opinion piece which I found somewhat interesting.
- Even though playing youth soccer is a veritable rite of passage in parts of the U.S., it seems that most Americans tend to lose interest in the sport around the age of twelve. The indifference previously shown to the sport has baffled sports journalists for decades. Here are a few theories why.
- American’s dislike games in which you can’t use your hands.
- Americans dislike games without a lot of action and they consider soccer boring. Too many tie games and games with a score of three or less goals. Watching soccer for a few hours is mind-numbing.
- Americans don’t like prissy athlete’s who spend most of the game flopping around on the ground and gesticulating wildly when they get called for a penalty.
- The real problem is that America has never fielded a team that was competitive in the sport and that stings the American ego a bit. Losing to teams from countries like Columbia and Costa Rica is ego deflating.
The world’s insane love for soccer is strange to Americans but at the same time Americans are crazy for NASCAR. That’s a seriously vexing sports question to be sure. Will things ever change because of our recent exposure to the World Cup? Who knows?
FYI: I WILL NEVER BE A SOCCER (OR FUTBOL) FAN . . . EVER!
