Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
On a regular basis I use quotations to help me explain my opinions on things in a way easy to understand and most times humorous. These quotations can be from famous celebrities, educated teachers, and even the occasional politician who might have something interesting to say. The majority of the persons quoted are deceased which must make them much smarter than when alive. I can’t explain that but it seems to be true.
Comics like Mae West, George Carlin, and Richard Pryor were funny as hell before they died and for some reason many of their quotes are even funnier now. Maybe it’s just the person who’s doing the repeating of those quotes. The most under appreciated author of thousands of quotes and humorous thoughts is almost never properly recognized for his/her efforts in keeping us smiling and laughing. That person goes by two aliases, Unknown and Anonymous. Most of the truly profound quotes by this person are repeated often by many people in their everyday conversations and have been for years. Here’s an example of three:
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Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Anonymous
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There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
Unknown
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Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent.
Anonymous
We’ve heard these quotes for most of out lives although the wording may have changed a little as each decade slides by. They’re still funny and insightful from that ever present Anonymous philosopher. Wouldn’t you enjoy sitting with Mr. or Ms. Unknown/Anonymous for a lunch and follow up conversation? To laugh a lot and appreciate the humor and content of his/her thoughts for just a little while. Common sense seems to be a rarity these days and a person’s ability to communicate profound ideas and thoughts in a humorous way is the rarest gift of all. Here are a few more quotes for your enjoyment.
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9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Anonymous
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Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.
Unknown
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Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily as lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Unknown
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She’s been up and down more times than a whore’s drawers.
Anonymous
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A kiss: To a young girl, faith; to a married woman, hope; to an old maid, charity.
Unknown
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The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.
Anonymous
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Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
Unknown
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Ten percent of something is better than 100% of nothing.
Unknown
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Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
Anonymous
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It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
Anonymous
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Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
Unknown
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Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Unknown
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Don’t brake until you see god, then brake like hell.
Unknown
That list is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Who this Anonymous or Unknown genius is really isn’t all that important. It’s somehow getting his/her ideas out there for us to read, digest, and pass-on that is the important thing. I’ve always found myself drawn to the Anonymous quotes first because for me they represent all of us. The John Doe’s, the Jane Doe’s, and the John Q. Public’s, who seem to have more knowledge than expected and the secret ability to communicate without rudeness or condescension. It’s a true talent.
That being said here is maybe my all time favorite Anonymous quotation. Every time I read it I just smile. It tickles my funny bone and I’m not sure why. It might tell you a little more about me and my sense of humor and that’s okay too.
I find women interesting and the older I get the more interesting they become. Highly emotional with all of the accompanying maternal instincts that pretty much control their lives. The consequences of being the child bearing gender are many but in small doses they aren’t too bad. As with everything else, too much of a good thing can end up being a real problem.
It’s been my observation that certain women have children, love them, raise them, and send them on their way. You’d think they’d be happy to have accomplished such a difficult task as having and then raising a child or two or three or even four. I guess it all depends on the individual woman.
Normally what occurs after the nest has been emptied is their subtle and sometimes subconscious need to try and refill it. Who’s the only logical candidate to help them accomplish that? The poor spouse or partner. He becomes the target of all those wonderful traits that attracted him to her in the first place. It’s a totally different situation when she begins treating her spouse or partner like he’s a prepubescent child. The hovering and constant nit-picking can drive a person over the edge.
How can a man deal with these problems without getting angry and hurting her feelings? Not an easy proposition but unless you find a solution there could be big trouble in River City.
Fortunately if the woman is reasonably aware of what she’s doing and after a period of time (hopefully short) and with the man’s help this phase will pass and life can return to normal (whatever that is). As a man your lucky if this Empty-Nest Syndrome passes quickly and the one thing that can make that happen is the arrival of that first grandchild. All of those pent up motherly feelings can now be targeted to the new baby which in turn makes the man’s life a little easier (but not for long).
Just when you think your life will finally calm down without any more unneeded drama the scariest thing you could ever imagine arrives, “THE CHANGE”. Night sweats, hot flashes, temper tantrums, and a really unfriendly alter-ego that turns your soulmate and life partner into Mrs. Hyde. It could take years for this to come and go and it is one helluva a rough ride for all involved.
I found out the hard way just how bad it can be but after much experimentation I discovered a simple way to short circuit the Change a little. You can’t cure the physical side effects of the Change but you can lessen the impact of the other symptoms with a healthy dose of humor. It’s almost impossible for her to be totally crazy if you can keep her laughing. Mix in healthy doses of hugging, touching, and other dangerous activities and you may just survive to reach the promised land. The promised land is that wonderful place where you can have all the sex you want without fear of pregnancy. It’s weird that Mother Nature makes you wait until old age for this to occur. It would have been nicer to have that luxury back in my thirties.
There you have it. You’re now in your sixties, retired, and have all the time in the world for all that sex you’ve always complained you never had time for. Unfortunately you also no longer have the kind of stamina that’s necessary to fulfill all of your insane sex fantasies. On top of that you have aches and pains in odd places making things even more interesting and difficult.
Mother Nature is one ironic and totally unfunny woman.
Today is a very special day here at Every Useless Thing. I’m officially opening the doors to the E.U.T. University of totally useless knowledge. You’ll learn through our detailed courses of study many of the things that have puzzled mankind for centuries. We have the answers but only you permanent students will be permitted to share that information with us. I know it’s a great honor and you should consider yourself very fortunate.
Todays lessons concern two things which are generally known to us but the true facts aren’t readily available. Thanks to EUTU you are about to be properly informed.
Lesson #1 – How did the word "shit” originate?
It’s been claimed by some that the word ‘shit” originated in the 16th century, when manure was transported by ship. The dry manure weighed little and was stowed below deck. When mixed with water, however, it gained in weight and began to ferment, producing methane gas, which, when exposed to a naked flame, would ignite, causing explosions and fire. Because of these accidents, crates of manure were labeled “Ship High In Transit’ to indicate that the crates were to be stowed above the deck, so that any water that the ship took on would not come into contact with them.
Unfortunately, this explanation is totally false and we here at EUTU through years of detailed research have discovered the real truth. Take good notes on this lesson because this “shit’” information will be included on your first POoP quiz.
The word “shit” is from the middle English word “shitten”, which in turn derived from the old English word “scitan”, from “besciten”, which meant “to be covered with excrement” and is in turn thought to originate from the Indo-European root “skei”. The word “shite”, meanwhile, is a variant form of the word as found in some dialects in Ireland and Scotland, as well as in colloquial English.
There you have the truth of the matter.
Lesson #2 – Why do men often shiver after urinating?
I’m not entirely sure our women students will be all that interested in this phenomenon but since it is an official part of the curriculum and will most certainly be included in future tests please pay close attention ladies.
After a man has finished urinating, it’s common for him to experience a shiver over his entire body. It is technically called post-micturition convulsion syndrome, and scientists are not exactly sure why it occurs. One theory is that urination results in heat loss after the warm urine has been expelled from the body, or through exposing the penis to the air, causing the body to shiver.
Meanwhile another theory suggests that the urination reflex is relayed through the autonomic nervous system, which is responsible for both contracting the urethra to hold in the urine and relaxing it to allow the urine to flow out. Also, as urine is released there is often a change in blood pressure, which might also explain the shivering. Shivering is most common in men and some actually find the experience pleasurable or even mildly erotic.
I can verify these statements because I’ve been experiencing that “shiver” myself for decades. I only pass that information along to you students because I’m a responsible educator with a passion for the truth.
That’s the final lesson for today. Break into study groups and ”bone up” on this important information. It seems that if two or more students can study together the results are much more satisfying.
CLASS DISMISSED
I know all of you are just sitting there and waiting for the answers to yesterday’s celebrity quiz. Here’s the complete list of celebrities with their aliases. How did you really do?
Boris Karloff…..William Henry Pratt
Mary Pickford…..Gladys Smith
Audrey Hepburn…..Edda Van Heemsta
Samuel Goldwyn…..Sam Goldfish
W.C. fields…..William Claude Dunkenfield
Martin Sheen…..Ramon Esteves
Michael Keaton…..Michael Douglas
Roy Rogers…..Leonard Slye
Dale Evans…..Francis Octavia Smith
Mel Brooks…..Melvin Kominsky
Jane Wyman…..Sarah Jane Folks
Whooping Goldberg…..Caryn Johnson
Joan Crawford…..Lucille Le Sueur
Woody Allen…..Allen Stewart Kinigsberg
Charlie Sheen…..Carlos Esteves
On to the next subject. As promised, another list of totally useless information I’ve collected from all sorts of sources both on the net and elsewhere.
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Twenty-eight percent of Africa is wilderness while thirty eight percent of North America is wilderness.
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A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
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A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
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The average person spends three years of his or her life on a toilet.
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Take your height and divide by eight. That’s how tall your head is.
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One in three male motorists picks their nose while driving.
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More than ten people a year are killed by vending machines.
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More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world.
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Famous billionaire Howard Hughes stored his own urine in large bottles.
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Approximately $25 million is spent each year on lap dances in Las Vegas.
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23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.
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Each year, there are more than 40,000 toilet related injuries in the United States.
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Coca-cola was originally green.
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The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s "It’s a Wonderful Life".
Are you feeling smarter now? Slowly but surely I’m filling your heads with mind numbing information which you’ll probably never use in any conversation and will most likely forget by Monday. It’s my insidious plot to takeover the world, one mind at a time.
It’s time to get back to the kind of postings everyone seems to enjoy. So today will be all about celebrities. It must be nice to have the ability to change your name at any time. There have been times in my life when I wished I could change my name and start fresh some where else. A really cool name that sounded just right and might make help people to remember me. I always thought my first name was dull because it seemed to be overused. JOHN! How boring can you get? For a time I was called Charlie based on my middle name but it didn’t stick. I also never was able to pull off a really cool nickname and to this day I still don”t understand why.
Oh well, lets move along to today’s posting. I’m going to supply you with two lists, each with fifteen names. The first will contain the names of fifteen famous celebs you should be familiar with and a second list of fifteen with their original birth names. Some will be easy to figure out but most will be much more difficult. No fair sneaking off to use search engines because that’s just cheating. I’ll post both lists tomorrow with the correct answers.
The Celebrity Aliases
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Boris Karloff
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Mary Pickford
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Audrey Hepburn
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Samuel Goldwyn
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W.C. Fields
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Martin Sheen
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Michael Keaton
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Roy Rogers
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Dale Evans
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Mel Brooks
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Jane Wyman
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Whooping Goldberg
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Joan Crawford
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Woody Allen
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Charlie Sheen
Now for their real birth names. It makes it much easier to understand why their names were changed. I can’t imagine seeing some of these names in the credits at the end of a film. Maybe their agents, friends, and studio heads were correct. Here are their actual names in no particular order. Match them up if you can.
The Actual Monikers
I told you they’d be tough. I honestly struggled to get just four correct. More useless information is scheduled for tomorrow along with todays answers. Have fun.
I spend a great deal of my time these days adapting to a whole list of changes to my life I never anticipated or expected. I thought that as I grew older things would settle down somewhat and the amount of change I’d be forced to deal with would lessen. Wrong once again.
One obvious change that occurs to us all eventually is getting older. Adjusting to it sounds easy but as all of you will find out eventually, it isn’t. You must learn to adapt to your new position in society of being the older person, constantly accused by almost everyone with being out of touch with our current reality. Even people you know and love begin treating you differently and it can be hurtful.
Everyone assumes that once you reach a certain age you’re all of a sudden a mouth-breathing moron with no working memory. Snide little comments from loved ones are especially hurtful but you must learn to adapt. Some seniors become bitter and spiteful only because they can’t think of any better solutions. Those kind of actions just further that ugly senior stereotype that require the infamous eye-roll or the subtle shoulder shrug between people you’re talking to when you’re not looking. It’s disrespectful and rude but your hands are tied. If you confront them then your being old, difficult, and set in your ways. If you turn the other cheek it just makes the possibility of it occurring again much more likely.
So here’s a few tips for you seniors out there. Keep up with all of the Pop Culture nonsense so when someone in their teens or twenties mentions a celebrity you have a clue. Be able to talk about something other than your current medical conditions. Fight the stereotype everyday. If you take a backseat to discussions that make you uncomfortable that’s where you’ll be relegated to stay for the rest of your life.
Our past memories really don’t interest most people because "it’s all about them”. Only people your own age can appreciate many of the things from our youth and the drastic differences we now must deal with. It’s hard work to keep up with this balls-to-the-wall insanity we call our every day life. Spend time with people other than other seniors. Carry on meaningful conversations about politics, relationships, and child rearing. Not everything we remember is just old-folks reminiscing. We’ve already experienced this stull and can be helpful if we pass the information along intelligently and not preaching. No one likes to be preached to.
The following information should make most seniors smile. If read by anyone younger it would seem to them like they’ve been foraging through an archeological dig in Egypt and found a transcript of life in the days of old. Read on and learn something if you’re interested, if not don’t.
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HIGH SCHOOL — 1958 vs. 2013
Scenario 1:
Jack goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.
1958 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2013 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1958 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2013 – Police called and SWAT team arrives — they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They’re both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1958 – Jeffrey sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2013 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1958 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2013 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1958 – Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2013 – The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1958 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2013 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1958 – Ants die.
2013 – ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents – and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny’s dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1958 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2013 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
* * *
Is it any wonder why we at times choose to look back. This is the reason we occasionally reminisce and really, do you blame us. If I could go back and do my life over again I sure wouldn’t do it now, in this time and place. Just saying.
Is it just me or does this Spring not impress. It was perfect if you like lots of rain, cool nights, and sweltering heat. I’m not really sure what I was hoping for or expecting but for some reason I feel disappointed. Coming out of our long winter here in Maine should have made just about anything acceptable but it didn’t seem to work for me this year. I have to say I feel a little let down.
Now that Summer has officially arrived what can we hope for? More sunshine would be nice, maybe some cooler weather, less humidity, and just enough rain to keep the yards and gardens healthy. That would be the ideal Summer but as we’ve come to realize of late, we almost never get what we expect weather-wise.
Why is it that we humans are never satisfied. All winter we moan and complain about the lack of sunshine and warmth. We bitch about the snow, the sleet, the freezing rain, and slush that seems to cover everything. It drives us totally crazy to be cooped up in the house getting on each others nerves for months on end. Then all of a sudden the weather changes and what happens. We haven’t even had enough time to put away our winter clothes before we’re already bitching about how hot it is. We continue that silliness into late October when things start to cool down in preparation for Winter. We can’t wait for some cooler temperatures to save us from the terrible heat. We have one snow fall and within hours we’re whining about the cold and wishing for Spring and Summer. It’s a conundrum I tell you.
I can only deduce that we as a species are really screwed up. We never appear completely happy or satisfied with anything, That would help explain a divorce percentage just over fifty percent. Maybe not, what the hell do I know. What I do know is that I’m just as bad as everyone else when it comes to these things and I see no hope of finding a workable solution. Am I a little depressed, why yes I think I am. Do I need a little help? Why yes I think I do. Let me think . . . . . . . . . .
Maybe I need a walk on the beach and a quick dip in the cool ocean water to wake me out of these Summer doldrums. A few dozen scantily clad bikini wearing young ladies might be just the thing to begin my healing. I can walk down the beach and have a few drinks at the Surf Side, enjoy their air conditioning for a hour or so, and then return to my blanket to relax and maybe read a few chapters of my favorite book. Another dip into the ocean and a few dozen more buxom young things prancing down the beach are beginning to make me feel a whole lot better. Who cares about the heat? Not me. I’m beginning to feel rather good.
Okay, just forget everything I said in those first few paragraphs because I was in the throws of depression and was totally wrong. I’ve suddenly rediscovered a few things that can snap me right back to normal almost immediately. Chant this along with me!
Give me a "T", drive me an "H", give me an "O", give me an "N", and a big freaking "G". C’mon Summer!
Have you ever had something piss you off so bad that you felt a sharp, stabbing pain behind your eyes. If you have then the following list will be perfect for you. I love reading lists and also love writing them from time to time. Most people are occasionally annoying but on their really bad days they make my list. These items have started this Summer Season with a vengeance.
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People who love to talk over me during a conversation make me want to scream.
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The person in front of me at the 14 item express register checkout with fifty items in his cart and a bad attitude when confronted.
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Waiting in my car at the ATM for fifteen minutes for some moron on foot makes a withdrawal.
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The guy in the men’s room stall at Wal-mart who leaves the stall in a condition that some people (but not me) might call a real “shit hole”.
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The attractive woman driving the gorgeous new Lexus who rolls down her window and spits a huge oyster into the passing lane. When you then look at her she resorts to giving you the dreaded “finger”.
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People who will stand quietly in line at a movie theatre but can’t shut up once the movie starts.
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People who have something important to tell me and then send me a four word text.
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People who are “close talkers” with chronic “stench” breath who won’t stop talking.
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Waiting endlessly in a register line for a customer to be trained in the use of their debit card by the cashier.
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People who insist on telling me their child is an honor student in some BS school with a freaking bumper sticker.
I feel much better now that I’ve gotten all of these off my chest. It’s a very cathartic experience to say the least and just might keep me from hurting myself and others.
As I’ve lived my somewhat interesting life I’ve noticed a few things. The constant stream of insults and insensitive comments made by both men and women about each other is one of the most puzzling. Every guy I’ve known has done it at times as do most women. My mother and father did it for sixty years to each other, sometimes jokingly and other times not so much. It makes no sense that we do these things to each other but we do.
Since I’ve been old enough to be called a man I’ve had any number of women repeat certain statements to me, "You men are all the same.", “That’s really stupid, it must be a man thing.” For both men and women it appears that this behavior has been passed down from past generations to us. Nothing irritates me more than broad-brush generalities used to denigrate large groups of people. I know it would really tick off my better-half if If I made caustic comments about women but even saying that hasn’t stopped it from happening between us on occasion.
These tendencies are used as a last resort in most arguments to help us put each other on the defensive. I hope that it’s just a way of garnering attention and not what is actually believed. Here are twelve quotes, bumper stickers, jokes, and anonymous sayings from many and varied females about men.
Women on Men
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"Boobs are the proof that men can focus on 2 things at once."
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"Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you." — Mae West
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"Any woman that thinks the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high."
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"Men only have two faults: Everything they say and everything they do."
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"Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in." — Katherine Whitehorn.
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"Husbands are like fires; they go out when unattended." — Zsa Zsa Gabor.
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"There’s nothing like a girl with a plunging neckline to keep a man on his toes."
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"A woman can fake an orgasm, but it takes a man to fake an entire relationship."
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"Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all."
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"A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car." — Carrie Snow.
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"Most men would never get laid if it weren’t for the pity fuck."
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"War is menstruation envy."
Women can be cruel in their humor but I must force myself to be fair in this discussion. Men are just as bad and like women they do it more when they’re in groups. It’s like a bonding requirement for both sexes within their specific gender groups. So, let’s all agree that men are just as bad as women and to prove that point here are twelve perfect examples.
Men on Women
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"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." — P. J. O’Rourke.
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"We have drugs to make women speak, but none to keep them silent." — Anatole France.
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"Do you know why they call it PMS ? Because Mad Cow Disease was taken." — Unknown
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"Brigands will demand your money or your life, but a woman will demand both." — Samuel Butler.
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"When a guy goes to a hooker, he’s not paying her for sex, he’s paying her to leave."
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"Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex."
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"I’ve finally found the perfect girl, I couldn’t ask for more. She’s deaf and dumb and over-sexed. And owns a liquor store."
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"Here’s to our wives and sweethearts — may they never meet." — John Bunny.
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"An 11 is a 10 who doesn’t have headaches."
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"Girls are like rocks; you skip the flat ones."
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"God created the orgasm so that women can moan even when they are happy."
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"I have always dreamed of being in bed with a hot woman. Little did I know I would have to wait until she reached menopause." — Lee Entrekin.
With all of this going on with both sexes it’s a miracle that the human race hasn’t gone extinct before now. It’s the ultimate love/hate relationship. Maybe it’s just the ultimate genetic push for women to procreate that over rides their general disdain for the men needed to make it happen. Maybe it’s the incredible pleasure women can offer men to help them overcome their issues with the female gender. Who knows for sure, certainly not me.
Will the day ever come when the bickering and sarcasm will stop. I’d have to say "no way". Maybe it takes more passion than I first thought to prompt all of the stressful name calling, jokes, and sarcasm. Passion apparently trumps everything and allows the sexes a few moment of intense pleasure together long enough to keep the human race in existence.
War is hell.
Today I intended to further explore the use of the English language where names are concerned by talking about nicknames we humans insist on giving to our private parts. The list of nicknames is endless but the main body parts targeted normally for nicknames are the vagina, penis, and occasionally the breasts. As a kid (age 7-11) and before my sex life truly existed my friends and I had already named our penises. I have no idea why we did but it could have been as simple a reason as "because it was there". Our fascination with our penises was intense at that age because if you must know it was the center of our young universe. Unfortunately it still is.
Our little group of five perverts constantly discussed those things that were most important to us; our penises, girls, and that greatest mystery of all, sexual intercourse. We almost declared a national holiday when our buddy Frank reported at one of our private meetings in our secret hidden club house that he had what we later found out was his first orgasm. He explained in great detail just what he’d done and how it felt. We were all astounded by his description of the feelings he had but were somewhat confused by his report that nothing came out of his penis when he came. We’d been told by the experts (our older friends) that there would be sperm. That discussion went on for another six months as were tried to figure out what Frank had done wrong.
Eventually we were called to an emergency meeting at the clubhouse when Frank finally reported that some “white stuff” had finally appeared after he masturbated. We did everything but declare him king of the effing world. We put him through the third degree until we were all satisfied he was giving us the absolute truth.
You should also know that during the next few months we were all diligently practicing in the privacy of our homes trying to duplicate what Frank was reporting. Shortly after his report on the "white stuff" we as a group demanded he show us specifically how he did it. We retired to his house and the five of us squeezed into his little bathroom where he began his demonstration. He used a little soap on his hands and began to furiously masturbate. He kept saying he was almost there as we waited patiently. The mood was immediately broken when his mother threw the door open and caught him in the act and all of us watching. Many of you can talk about your most awkward moments but this one was by far my worst. My second worst moment was when I got home to find out that Frank’s mom had ratted us all out. My mother was not happy.
Frank practically tore his penis off trying to put it away. His poor mother was probably never quite the same again either. Needless to say it took years before any of us could look her in the eye without turning a bright crimson. We all learned two valuable lessons that fateful day. One, soap is our friend and two, lock the freaking door.
We learned never to do anymore sexual exploring at anyone’s home. We confined our discussions and demonstrations to our club house where all of the best reading material (skin mags) was available for our use. Later on as we grew more curious we invited one or two of the neighborhood girls to the club house for a few games of "show and tell". There was no sexual activity just a very clinical study of their genitals and their study of ours. It was around that time that my penis received his first nickname, I called him "Charlie".
I have to admit that years later after my sex life had been firmly established Charlie’s nicknames became much more interesting. Charlie became confused at times because he was forced to suffer through a long list of really tacky names that he really didn’t care for. I never told any of my female sex partners that all of those silly name they insisted on calling him meant nothing to him or to me. His real name was and always will be Charlie and all the sexual attention in the world from them and their vaginas could never change that.
I was thinking about listing a number of the more common genital nicknames in this posting but I thought this story would be more poignant and informative than a cold and unemotional list. Besides you men out there already know the most common nicknames currently in use. Unfortunately you women out there only think you know your man’s actual name for his penis.
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