Archive for the ‘Kill Me, I’m Begging You’ Category
I try to be an avid reader of just about everything. I really enjoy reading poetry as well as being hooked on history. With today’s post I’ll try to mix those two interests. We’ll look back many years to the so-called sophisticated British Empire to find some of the most outrageous limericks and dirty jokes. It seems people are just people regardless of the time period they’re born into. The following piece of history (and I use the term loosely) will make some of you smile and some others cringe. The date of this little gem as best that can be determined was the year 1612. I’ll let you determine it’s value (if you can find any). Enjoy this piece from our sophisticated and disturbing ancestors titled “The Wooing Rogue”.
Come live with me and be my Whore
And we will beg from door to door,
Then under a hedge we’ll sit and delouse us.
Until the Beatle and come to rouse us.
And if they’ll give us no relief
Thou shalt turn Whore and I’ll turn Thief.
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If thou can’st rob them I can steal
And we’ll eat roast-meat at every meal:
Nay! We’ll eat White bread every day
And throw out mouldy Crusts away,
And twice a day we will be drunk
And then at Night I’ll kiss my punk.
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And when we both shall have the Pox,
We then shall want Shirts and Smocks
To shift each others mangy hide
Is with itch so pockified:
We’ll take some clean ones from a hedge
And leave our old ones for a Pledge.
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Isn’t that the most romantic love poem ever? I agree it wasn’t nearly as interesting as works by Emily Dickenson or Robert Frost but it grabbed my heart and soul tightly and rightly. I sure wish I could have lived back then just to met the unknown author and to shake his hand. (Only after it had been thoroughly washed, of course). (SATIRE OFF)
WHO DOESN’T LOVE THOSE OLD ROMANTIC BRITS
I’ve spent almost half of my life working in some manner in law enforcement. I patrolled for years as a uniformed officer, a member of the detective unit for a time, and then two years in undercover vice and narcotics. I’ve seen many guilty individuals go to jail and I’ve seen almost as many get a slap on the wrist by the court system and put back on the streets without much punishment. That punishment almost never fits the crime? I also spent six years interviewing prisoner’s in numerous jails throughout the state of Maine. I’ve seen it all and heard it all and then some. The system is just barely adequate.
As I’m want to do I decided to dig into the past for possible answers to improve our system. I must say that things were unbelievably different from our current mess. I found these eight punishments from past centuries and maybe just maybe they should be reviewed for possible reuse today but with some modifications. If your a person who thinks the punishment should fit the crime, you’ll going to love these.
- The Pillory – Hands and head tightly clamped between two pieces of wood in the village square. It made a great target for passing citizens to pelt the criminal with all sorts of things.
- The Dunking Stool – This required the dunking of the criminal in freezing cold water. This was often punishment for nagging wives.
- The Stocks – This would be the little brother of the Pillory. The offender was seated on a bench with hands and feet held between two planks. This was punishment for minor offenses and the length of the sentence was determined by the severity of the crime.
- The Whipping Post – The name is self-explanatory. FAFO in it’s first incarnation. The sentence was usually 10 lashes from a whip made from 40 strips of leather.
- A Scarlet Letter – Offenders were required to have a large red letter sewn onto their clothing and forced to stand in the square for up to three hours for public ridicule – “A” for adultery, “B” for blaspheming, and “D” for being a drunk.
- Branding – A scarlet letter burnt into your cheek, back, thumb, or back of the hand. “L”- Liar, “T” for thief,, and “F” for forger. They had a whole alphabet to choose from.
- The Branks – A much more serious punishment. An iron cage was attached to the head with a sharp spike clamping the tongue. It was sometimes called the “scolds bridle” because many women were so punished for daring to talk back to their husbands.
- The Billboes – (No relation to the Hobbit) A metal bar with attached handcuffs for the feet and then attached to the ground. Drunks and people who spoke out against the government were left to stand from dawn till dusk clamped to these.
I’M FOR BRING THEM ALL BACK
IMMEDIATELY (LOL)!!
I collect odd and unusual books and it’s not often I get truly surprised but it finally happened. I stumbled upon a book titled Bizarre Books – A Compendium of Classical Oddities. It lists in great detail some of the weirdest book titles, subtitles, and authors names I’ve ever seen. Over the next few months I’ll pick out a topic and list some of the titles mentioned in this book that apply. To start I’ve chosen a topic that will spice things up a little, Sex & Marriage. As you will see the human obsession with sex is nothing new. Here we go . . .
- Seven Wives and Seven Prisons – The life of a Matrimonial Monomaniac – L.A. Abbott 1870
- Shipping Semen? How to have a Successful Experience – Pennie Ahmed 1998
- Sex + Sex = Gruppensex – Ruediger Bosschmann 1970
- Orgasmus and Super-Orgasmus – Stephenson Verlag 1972
- Castration: The Advantages and Disadvantages – Victor T. Cheney 2003
- How to Pickup Women in Discos – Don Diebel 1981
- Straight Talk About Surgical Penis Enlargement – Gary M. Griffin 1991
- The External Genitalia of Japanese Females – Kanji Kasai 1995
- In and Out and Up and Down – Jo L.G. McMahon 1922
- High-Performance Stiffened Structures – Bury St. Edmunds 2000
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MY FAV
A Kiss for a Blow – Henry Clark Wright – Undated
SPECIAL THANKS TO RUSSELL ASH & BRIAN LAKE
The Bible is the most stolen book in the world despite its message containing the commandment “Thou shalt not steal,”. It’s a fact! Not only is it stolen from book stores and libraries it is also shoplifted in large numbers from just about anywhere. In it’s blatant attempt to teach and scare the hell out most Christians it also finds it necessary to describe in great detail many of mans most questionable habits. Todays post will test your biblical trivia knowledge concerning one of my favorite topics, “prostitutes”. The answers will be listed below.
- Who went on a killing spree when their sister Dinah was treated like a prostitute?
- Where did the prostitute Rahab live?
- What judge of Israel was a prostitutes son?
- What prophet did the Lord tell about two prostitutes named Oholah & Oholibah?
- What character in a parable wasted his money on prostitutes?
- What epistle warns Christians against patronizing prostitutes?
- According to Jesus what prophet had prostitutes and tax collectors as followers?
- Who ordered his daughter-in-law Tamar burned because she had acted like a prostitute?
- What king served as judge when two prostitutes fought over a child?
- Who had a vision of a prostitute with a city’s name engraved on her head?
✝️✝️✝️
BONUS:
According to tradition, what follower of Jesus had been a prostitute,
though the Bible does not refer to her as one?
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Answers
Levi & Simeon (Genesis 34:25-31), Jericho (Joshua 2:1-6), Jephthah (Judges 11:1), Ezekiel ((23:1-21), The Prodigal Son (Luke 15:30), 1 Corinthians (6:15-16), John the Baptist (Matthew 21:32), Judah (Genesis 38:24), Solomon (1 Kings 3:16), John (Revelation 17:5), BONUS Mary Magdalene
It seems to be a good day for another dose of Mish/Mosh. This post will include odd facts, proverbs, and quotes from well-known people.
“Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well armed lamb contesting the vote.” Benjamin Franklin
- The first animal to be domesticated by humans was not a dog, sheep, horse, or pig. Approximately 12,0000 BC, 14,000 years ago along the Russian/Mongolian border reindeer were lured away from migratory groups and bred domestically.
“The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.” Alfred Adler
- If you are dehydrated virtually any fluid will help hydrate you, but not sea water. Alcohol is fine and so are tea and coffee. There is no scientific basis that fluids other than water cause dehydration.
“The missing link between animals and human beings is most likely ourselves.” Konrad Lorenz
- The original discovery of penicillin was from the far past where Bedouin tribesmen in North Africa made a healing ointment from the mold on donkey harnesses for more than a thousand years.
“The greatest of all inventors is accident.” Mark Twain
- The ball point pen was invented and patented in 1938 by Laszlo Biro and his brother Gyorgy. They immigrated to Argentina in 1940 to avoid the Nazis and repatented it there in 1943. One of their earliest customer was the RAF encouraged by the pens performance at high altitudes.
“A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.” Samuel Butler
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THE WEIRDER THE BETTER
Now that my never-ending retro trivia posts have been completed, it’s time to return to my first love those funny and bawdy LIMERICKS. As I’ve always said, I love limericks and I also love history. I’ve decided today to combine the two with a few limericks made famous during the World War II era. I assume some of these may have been written by a few GI’s but I can’t be sure. I find it refreshing that even during the worst war we’ve ever experienced, a sense of humor was still maintained. Some of these might be considered a little much for younger children. Be warned!
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O Soldiers come back to us clean!
Wear rubbers – you know what I mean.
Thou I’d very much ruther
You’d bugger each other
Than any French whore that I’ve seen.
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A lady of doubtful nativity,
Had an ass of extreme sensitivity.
She could sit on the lap
Of a Nazi or Jap
And detect Fifth Column activity.
💥💥💥
A slant-eyed young girl from Peking
Said of the Rape of Nanking,
“Every Jap in North China
Has explored my vagina,
It’s so sore I can’t pee through the thing.”
💥💥💥💥
In the Army and Navy the toast is
To the talented USO hostess
Who was diddled and screwed
While she tried to conclude
Which service she really liked mostest.
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🪖WAR TIME SENSE OF HUMOR🪖
Here is the fourth installment of retro trivia from the decade of the 1970’s. These questions should be a little easier than the last three decades. As always the answers are listed below.
- Who was court-martialed in 1971 for atrocities committed in Southeast Asia?
- What became the capital of the reunited North and South Vietnam?
- What was the name of the Russian spacecraft that linked with an Apollo module in 1975?
- In 1974 what building became the tallest in the world?
- What woman won the Nobel Prize in 1979?
- What nation tried “The Gang of Four”?
- Name the senator that presided over the Watergate hearings?
- Where was the Queen Elizabeth when it caught fire and sank in 1972?
- Who was the first native American to be canonized by the Catholic church?
- Name the war hero who quit the Israeli cabinet in 1979?
BONUS QUESTION
What caused Iceland and England to sever diplomatic relations in 1976?
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Answers
Lt. William Calley, Hanoi, Soyuz, The Sears Tower, Mother Teresa, China, Sam Ervin, Hong Kong, Mother Seton, Moshe Dayan, BONUS-Cod Fishing Rights
COMING NEXT-1980’S
Todays post will take us on a short time-travel trip to the 1940’s. This will be the first of five trivia posts from past decades from the 1940’s through the 1980’s. These first few questions may be difficult since most readers weren’t alive in the 40’s but if your a fan of history you may learn a few mostly forgotten facts. Let’s get started. As always the answers will be listed below.
- What important journal was found in Amsterdam following World War II?
- In what year was Korea split in two?
- On what day of the week was Pearl Harbor bombed?
- Who coined the phrase “Iron Curtin”?
- What newspaper ran the infamous headline “Dewey Defeats Truman”?
- In what island group is Corregidor, which fell to the Japanese in 1942.
- From what nation did Sri Lanka (then Ceylon) gain it’s independence in 1948?
- The body of what World War II leader was hung upside down in public?
- What world leader in 1943 survived a bomb set by his generals to assassinate him?
- What was the nickname given the the Nazi general Erwin Rommel?
BONUS Question
What two world leaders met in Casablanca in 1943?
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Answers
The Diary of Ann Frank, 1948, Sunday, Winston Churchill, The Chicago Daily Tribune, The Philippines, Great Britain, Benito Mussolini, Adolph Hitler, The Desert Fox, BONUS-Churchill and Roosevelt
THE 1950’s IS NEXT
Currently there seems to be no lack of interest in all things NFL. Now that the the Combine is approaching the interest level on football is once again skyrocketing. Every fan seems to think they are the absolute experts about all things football thanks to their involvement in the never-ending list of fantasy leagues. Here are a few tidbits of trivia that may interest some of them. Answers will be listed below.
- Name the kicker who led all NFL scorers in 1998 while making every single field goal and extra point attempt?
- After suffering a serious knee injury in 2011, which running back made an amazing comeback to lead the NFL with a near-record 2,097 yards rushing and 2,314 yards from scrimmage in 2012?
- Despite leading the NFL in the number of times sacked, which player posted the highest QB rating during the 2012 season?
- When he started his 117th consecutive game in 1999, which player did Brett Farvre overtake to become the new NFL “Ironman”?
- Who was the first QB to win four Superbowl Championships?
- In 2012 what quarterback broke the Johnny Unitas longstanding record for consecutive games throwing at least one touchdown pass?
- What was the first team to win five Superbowl championships?
- Which running back was the first player to rush for 20 touchdowns in a single season?
🏈❤️🏈❤️🏈
Answers
Gary Anderson, Adrian Peterson, Aaron Rodgers, Ron Jaworski, Terry Bradshaw, Drew Brees with 54 games, The San Francisco 49ers, John Riggens
Most human beings are somewhat intelligent. Of course that doesn’t always guarantee that they’re very smart. Many times in my life I’ve been challenged about something I’ve said or written even when I have irrefutable proof to prove my statements. There are always people who adamantly demand that they are correct regardless of any proof provided. Some folks simply enjoy arguing about everything and others are just simply ignorant. Human nature being what it is, I don’t see any changes in this regard. Todays post will contain a number of items which may seem incorrect to some of you, but they are not. Wrap your heads around these tidbits of truthfulness . The correct answers will be listed below.
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- What was the first invention to break the sound barrier?
- What animal are the Canary Islands named after?
- What do camels store in their humps?
- How many toes does a two-toed sloth have?
🔆🔆🔆
- What African mammal kills more humans than any other?
- Where do most tigers live?
- Where was the sport of baseball invented?
- How did Nome, Alaska get it’s name?
- What do we use to write on a black-board?
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BONUS QUESTION
What was the first animal in space?
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Answers
The Whip, Dogs (Insula Canaria), Fat, Nothing, 6 or 8, The Hippopotamus, The USA in Zoos, England, A Spelling Mistake, Gypsum, BONUS-Fruit Flies
HOW DID YOU DO?
everyuselessthing.com 