Now that my blog has returned to something close to normal, what better way to start fresh than having aslightly off-color Limerick Alert. I thought I’d start out with this first limerick that hopefully will be appreciated by all of you poets out there. I’m sure you’ll recognize the reference to one of my favorite poets as soon as you see it.
After two weeks of nonsense and having discussions with so many alleged experts on blogs, I’ve been returned to normal (whatever that means). Fortunately, I’m rather bald these days so it wasn’t possible to tear the rest of my hair out. Talking computers and blogs with a host of super-nerds from California to the Carolinas made my head hurt and awakened a rage in me that I forgot I had.
I’ll be posting tomorrow to get back on schedule posting only on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.
I hope WordPress understands that my earlier post covered in “poop” emoji’s was written during a frustrated fit of anger. I still love you guys.
I love people with a well-developed sense of humor, and I enjoy making people laugh. Since I now have a stand-up comic in the family, I pay even more than usual attention to on-line comics and what’s currently the rage. I have a number of comedians that I’ve been addicted to for years but unfortunately a few have passed on, but their comedy is alive and well and still makes me howl with laughter. I truly miss Sam Kinison and Ralphie May. Current comics Bill Burr, Brad Upton, and of course Sara Tiani are some of my USA favorites. Great Britain offers up Bob Mortimer, Jimmy Carr, Sarah Milliken, and Greg Davies, who are always laugh-out-loud funny. Yes, I love comedy so why wouldn’t I search out some humorous quotes from a few well-known stars.
“Ooooo. Ahhhhh. Get out!” Andrew Dice Clays impression of a one-night stand.
“My wife gives good headache.” Rodney Dangerfield
“Losing my virginity was a career move.” Madonna
“Sex after ninety is like shooting pool with a rope.” George Burns
“The main result of feminism has been the Dutch Treat.” Nora Ephron
“My plastic surgeon told me my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.” Phyllis Diller
*****
ANONYMOUS (Always LOL)
“Churches welcome all denominations but prefer fives and tens.”
“An optimist is someone who thinks the future is uncertain.”
“Truth is the safest lie.”
“When confronted with two evils, a man will always choose the prettier.”
“Is sex better than drugs? That depends on the pusher.”
“Love is blind, and marriage is a real eye-opener.”
I occasionally make good-natured fun of women. Admittedly they can be funny as hell but it’s more of an excuse for me to irritate my better-half. Guess what? It works every time. She never fails to try and even the score in any number of ways but even then, I find her attempts at humor even funnier. Today’s post contains a lot of one-liners that will make most of my women readers smile and possibly giggle. The guys may cringe a little and call me an ass but IDC. If you can’t laugh at yourself, you’re beyond help anyway.
What is a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don’t like the idea of a stranger making ninety percent of their decisions.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don’t fit right in the crotch.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is coming.
Why do only 10% of men go to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be hell.
TEN THINGS MAN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
1. They have pussies.
2 – 9 ???
10. They have breasts too.
What’s the difference between a penis and a prick? A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying. A prick is the guy who owns it.
What is the one thing that keeps most men out of college? High school.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Because breasts don’t have eyes.
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, men will screw anything.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Welcome to another hot sweltering and sweaty day in Maine. I’ve been confined to my man-cave because it’s the only place in this house where I won’t sweat through my clothing. It’s so bad even my cat is sleeping on a chair right next to me directly under a fan. I’ve always suspected my cat was more intelligent that it was letting on and this just proves it. Since the cat and I are having a week off from my better-half who is vacationing and visiting relatives in Maryland, we can do as we please for a change. We can eat what we want, sleep when we want, and misbehave if necessary. It’s our vacation too.
Today’s post is prompted by a series of facts I’ve recently discovered concerning wives and mistresses. Since I’m the guy who knows virtually nothing about women, I hoped these snippets would give me a better frame of reference. They probably won’t but what the hell, here they are anyway . . .
👩🏻👩🏻🦰👱🏻♀️
Peter the Great had his wife’s lover executed and his head placed into a jar of alcohol. She was required to keep it in her bedroom at all times. (That’s a kinky threesome, for sure.)
Mary Todd (OMG)
Stephen Douglas’s antagonism towards Abraham Lincoln stemmed partly from the fact that Mary Todd had chosen Lincoln over Douglas as a suitor. Mary Todd met both Douglas and Lincoln at the same time and was courted by both. Her ambition led her to evaluate the two men and she chose Lincoln as the most likely to attain future success and as her own best chance for glory.(Who knew Mary Todd wasn’t just crazy but was a slut too?)
In ancient Greece, women counted their age from the date on which they were married, not from the day they were born, signifying that the wedding marked the start of a women’s real-life.(You could end up with a wife who was supposedly twenty years old but really fifty. Yikes!)
The fourth Mogul Emperor, Jahangir, who ruled from 1605 to 1627, had a harem of 300 royal wives, 5000 additional women, and 1000 young men for alternate pleasures.(The man was obviously horny and insane.)
Alexander Gustave Eiffel, the builder of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, which opened in 1889, created at its peak the highest man-made love nest so that he could carry on his personal trysts. The aerie is now opened to all visitors. (Guys will do anything to get high and get laid.)
👩🏻👩🏻🦰👱🏻♀️
The British trounced George Washington’s depleted army at White Plains, then at Fort Washington, then at Brandywine, then at Germantown, and could have easily delivered the knockout blow at Valley Forge in the ferocious winter of 1777–78. But they didn’t. They didn’t attack because William Howell, the British general in command of George III’s forces in the colonies, had found warm comfort in nearby Philadelphia with a certain Mrs. Loring. By spring, the colonial army was able to wiggle off the hook.(Wow! Our country was saved by one piece of strange.)
The Babylonians auctioned off marriageable girls every year. Men had to bid high for the most attractive girls, and their money provided dowries so that the ugly girls, for whom no one would bid, could find husbands. (I think we should reinstitute this immediately.)
By the end of the 16th century, there were approximately 11,600 courtesans in Venice, twelve times the number of patrician wives. The names and addresses of the courtesans were published in a book, copies of which may be seen today in the library of St. Mark. The courtesans were the only commoners who mixed with ease with the Venetian upper class. (And you thought Las Vegas was bad.)
Catherine the Great BOW WOW!
After his love affair of two years with Catherine the Great, Gregory Alexandrovich Potemkin continued to be an important advisor to Catherine. He even helped to choose many of her subsequent lovers. (Every court should have a well-placed pimp in residence.)
When the Elector of Hanover became George I of England in 1714, His wife did not become Queen because she had committed adultery. He placed her under house arrest in Ahlden Castle, where she stayed for 32 years. Those who knew her fate called her the “Prisoner of Ahlden,” And so she remains in history. Ironically, George had arrived in England with his two mistresses. At that time adultery was only a crime for wives.(I’ll bet her guards were well satisfied.)
I’m trying desperately to remain cool here in my man-cave. Our house is not airconditioned so needless to say I’ve been spending most of my time in my cave which is so much cooler than the upper floors. I’ve located fans all around to help keep my computer system from overheating and it also helps to have a fridge nearby filled with cold beer, chilled wine, and icy cold water. I’ll remain here until the weather breaks or until hell freezes over, whichever comes first.
So, let me think. What could possibly make a hot and steamy day better? Hmm! Raunchy limericks immediately come to mind, and I intend to share a few with you.
Oscar Wilde passed away in Paris in 1900. He spent the last few years of his life penniless and eventually died of neglect. He was a master playwright, poet and intellectual who was well known for his thousands of epigrams. It seems to me he would have been much more successful if he’d been born in the 20th or 21st century. To experience his wit and knowledge on an open forum talk show would have been absolutely amazing. Today I’ll post a few of my all-time favorites of his epigrams. I hope you enjoy them as much as I have over the years.
No great artist ever sees things as they really are; if he did, he would cease to be an artist.
Never trust a woman who tells you her real age; a woman who tells you that will tell you anything.
The proper basis for a marriage is mutual misunderstanding.
Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed.
Education is a wonderful thing, provided you always remember that nothing worth knowing can ever be taught.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, and the young know everything.
To regain my youth, I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or become respectable.
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Here is one of my favorite quotes of his and it is partially responsible for the creation of this blog.
“It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information around.”
I am an old fart. It’s not an easy admission to make regardless of your age but when you get to a certain point you just have to face it. I see it in the eyes of people that I deal with on a regular basis, that look of sadness when they remember how I once was. None of us seniors are looking for pity, but that look is a little disrespectful. Aging is something we all have to deal with in our own way but never underestimate a person with white hair, a bit of a potbelly, and a curmudgeonly attitude. All of you younger folks will realize how tough the transition to old age is soon enough when your time comes. So, I’ll do my best to help you understand what you’re in for. Here is a little old-fart humor that may help you understand what I’m talking about.
An old woman was feeling suicidal following the death of her beloved husband. So, she decided to use his old gun to shoot yourself through the heart. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden, she asked her doctor precisely where the heart was located on a woman. “Just below your left breast,” he answered. Later that night she was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to the knee.
A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, wearing nothing from the waist down. “Grandpa, what you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist? “The old man looked at him and said, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandmother’s great idea.
An 80-year-old rancher was about to marry a young girl of 21. His trusted friend and advisor, the local banker, had serious doubts as to how long the old man would be able to satisfy such a young and agile bride and feared for his friend’s happiness and safety. So, for the sake of matrimonial harmony, he advised the old man to bring in a hired hand to help around the ranch, knowing full well that the hired hand could possibly help out in the bedroom, too, behind the old man’s back. The rancher thought it was a great idea and agreed. Four months later, the banker called his friend. “How’s the new wife working out?” he asked. “She’s pregnant,” replied the old man. The banker smiled knowingly. “And how is the hired hand?” The old man replied, “Oh, she’s pregnant too.
How do you know when you’re getting old? When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
How is your memory? Can you remember all of the nursery rhymes from your childhood? Most of them were kind of lame and luckily after a long period of time they’re lost from memory. Today I’ll supply you with three 21st century versions of some of the old rhymes that you can carry around in your memory banks for a decade or two. I actually enjoy these rhymes way more than all of those old and tired ones from my childhood.
Over the last month I’ve posted a few times about the decade of the 1980’s. Those posts seemed to grab the attention of quite a few people, and I didn’t really understand why. I lived through the eighties, but I was a little disconnected from reality at the time (thanks to marijuana) and a seven-day work week. I had just started a new business and wasn’t paying much attention to the people and the goings-on of the country. To say I’m an expert on the 1980’s would be a lie but being the nosy person that I am I decided to do a little research into that time period. I also decided to test myself with a ten question 1980’s trivia challenge. To be honest, I failed miserably. Here are the ten questions of which I was able to correctly answer just four. I guess it just doesn’t pay to be oblivious to the world around you. I’m listing the answers so even if you cheat, no one will ever know. Enjoy!
What was the last number one song of the 1980’s? “Another Day in Paradise” by Phil Collins
What company advertised its denim jeans as “for the American way of life”? Zena, by Zena Gilbert
What was the name of Al Pacino’s character in the 1983 Brian de Palma film Scarface? Tony Montana
What actress starred opposite the title character in the 1986 film Howard the Duck? Leah Thompson
What is the A in TV’s ALF stand for? Alien
Which of these NASA space shuttles did not fly in the 1980’s? Endeavor
What was the name of the boat involved in the Donna Rice scandal that sank Gary Harts 1988 presidential run? Monkey Business
What product was introduced with an Orwellian TV commercial entitled “1984”? Apple Macintosh
Who hosted the syndicated game show Love Connection when it debuted in 1983? Chuck Woolery
What pain reliever was pulled from store shelves in 1982 after a Chicago-area tampering case killed seven? Tylenol
everyuselessthing.com 