Archive for the ‘Sports’ Category
I’m not much of a sports fan and watching sports on TV has no attraction to me whatsoever. I’ve always had better ways of spending my time than watching almost anything sport related except for possibly one thing. I will occasionally watch professional golf. Over the years I played a lot of golf with my father. He introduced me to it at age 13 and I played regularly for more than twenty five years with him, his coworkers, and my friends.
This week was the Presidents Cup Tournament and I didn’t watch the entire match but did waste away a few hours vegging in front of the TV. It took me back to the days when my Dad was still able to play and the fun we had competing against each other. It was a nice trip down memory lane for me. As I was watching I began to remember caddying for him in a number of golf tournaments sponsored by his employer and the many pranks I pulled on him while doing so. With that in mind I did a little searching and found the following stupid caddy remarks which will make any golfer smile.
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#10
Golfer: "I think I’m going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
#09
Golfer: "I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth."
#08
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."
#07
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
#06
Golfer: "You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don’t think so . . . .That would be too much of a coincidence."
#05
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It’s not a watch – it’s a compass."
#04
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It’s very good – but personally, I prefer golf.
#03
Golfer: "Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it’s a sin on any day."
#02
Golfer: "This is the worst course I’ve ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn’t the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago."
AND FINALLY #01
Golfer: "That can’t be my ball, it’s too old."
Caddy: "It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir."
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Most people think golf is such a very serious pass-time but that couldn’t be further from the truth. With my Dad and other co-workers it was hilarious at times. I’ll offer this one story and then call this posting finished.
My father was a big, strong, and determined individual. He was known for his long and accurate drives and could get frustrated when he was having a bad day. On one particular occasion he walked to the tee on one of his favorite holes, teed up, and hit the ball so far in the woods it couldn’t be found. Up until that time it had been a close round but with that shot he lost the match. He proceeded to take his driver, twirled it around his head, and threw it as far as he could into the trees. He then walked off cursing and swearing and never looked back.
For months afterward as we all played golf on that same course we laughed our asses off every time we came to that hole because his bent and twisted driver could be seen in the top of a nearby tree. It was just so damn funny. The best part of the prank occurred more than a year later at his retirement dinner when his buddies climbed up that tree, retrieved the club, had it bronzed and mounted on a plaque, and gave it back to him as his retirement gift.
How can you not like golf with good friends like that.
Not being a huge football or sports fan has distinct advantages for me. I can ridicule any team at any time for any reason and I do as often as I can. It’s difficult because so many people admire, desire, and worship these football heroes (I use the term loosely) that they’ll attack anyone who isn’t awed by the mere sight of them. My hero worshiping days were short lived after all of the scandals: cheating, lying, steroid use, and criminal activities. No more sports heroes for me thank you very much. I’ll stick to the real heroes, our servicemen and women who sacrifice so these hulks can make millions of dollars and be praised by the masses.
Here are a few notable quotes, past and present, by some of those sports heroes. Thank God all of their colleges found a way to help them graduate.
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Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can’t really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to."
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season…"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." – Joe Theismann
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for four years, not Princeton."
Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: "I’ve won at every level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record: "We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play."
Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet."
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’ "
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What more needs to be said? The more they insist on standing up and talking to the media the more material I’ll have for postings like this. Keep close tabs on your sports programs for those pregame, half-time, and post game interviews. They’re almost as entertaining as the games.
Football Season is fast approaching and for those of you who are fanatical, you’re probably already in a serious state of FAN (Football Arousal Narcosis). You find yourself sexually aroused by wide screen HD televisions, satellite NFL packages, and the occasional busty cheerleaders. I must warn you that you’re playing with fire. Sometime in January when the end of the season is approaching and the withdrawal starts setting in you may find yourself becoming sexually attracted to Terry Bradshaw. If that happens proceed directly to rehab, do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollars.
I’m not a sports fanatic in any way, shape, or form. The only sports I watch religiously are as many games of the Little League World Series as I can. Those games seem more real and genuine to me than watching a bunch of grown men spending more than three hours to play nine innings of baseball for a few million dollars a year and all the steroid and drug enhancements they can consume. This time of the year is when the pregame and postgame analysis programs kidnap prime time TV and fill the airways with an ungodly number of continuous sports metaphors and clichés. It makes me just a little crazy.
Unfortunately those metaphors have slowly and insidiously made their way into our daily language. If you didn’t already know that, WAKE UP. We have "ballpark figures", "drop back and punt", and "going the whole nine yards". It’s also a sprint, a boxing match, even a demolition derby. It has leaders and trailers, boasts knockout punches, and will go down to the wire, the buzzer, or the final whistle.” Check these out:
“I was blind-sided by all the talk about the mortgage and someone else bought the house before me.”
“Critics of President Obama used bump and run tactics to impede the implementation of a Republican directive.”
“When Tom retired Larry carried the ball for the next 9 months and the project was completed.”
“If we get the new machinery, we will be dancing in the zone in September.”
‘”Paul fumbled the sale when he failed to return the client’s call.”
“The Democrats game plan totally revolved around the promise of jobs.”
“The lawyers decided to settle after a brief huddle.”
“After John’s failure to win the building contract, his colleagues only made things worse with their Monday morning quarterbacking.
“President Obama caves in over and over again. He punts on first down.”
These examples are just the tip of the iceberg. As we progress through the season begin listening carefully to the everyday newscasters, pundits, and anyone else speaking to you from your television screen. You’ll be absolutely amazed.
AND FOR MY LATER FATHER’S BENEFIT – GO STEELERS!
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