Archive for the ‘Useless Crap’ Category
I hope all of you celebrated that fantastic and relatively new national observance yesterday, International Nude Day. Forevermore the fourteenth of July will be naked day, a day for streaking or strutting your stuff on the nude beach of your choice. I suppose if your exceptionally brave you can give it a go on a normal public beach but it could get a little dicey. You can never forget just how prudish and hypocritical we citizens of the United States can be.
We love our porn, prostitution is flourishing, dozens of skin magazines are published every month, and revealing clothing is the order of the day with most fashion houses and clothing retailers. Adult Shops and peep shows are thriving but if any young mother attempts to feed her infant in public, she’s ridiculed and forced to cover her breast, baby, and sometimes her head so as not to embarrass or shock anyone. It’s just ridiculous.
Hypocrisy comes easily to righteous people who criticize others for what they do themselves. That’s why I’m surprised this observance was ever enacted. Here’s a short blurb explaining just what’s going on.
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New Zealand’s (and now the world’s) National Nude day is not a public holiday but a day to celebrate the human form.
Brain child of former All Black and TV presenter Marc Ellis, National Nude Day (also now known as International Nude Day) is a celebration of the skin with much fun attached. The concept has been adopted by particularly Dunedin students (Scarfies) where getting nude is nothing new. Dunedin is a legend University City in the south of New Zealand.
Nude Day is a one day a year that all in NZ can celebrate nudeness, nakedness, being in the nuddy, running free in all your original raw beauty, putting on your best birthday suit. It’s day everyone can participate in, fat, skinny, big, small, firm, soft and the flabby can all get involved.
Everyone in the world celebrate your body and celebrate New Zealand and the Worlds Nude Day it’s liberating and it’s beautiful. Our bodies are the only things we own, be proud of them no matter what shape or size you are.
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So lets all get out there, strip off some clothing and show the world how sophisticated we pretend to be. Just get two or three friends and waltz along a crowded beach in the buff and watch the fun begin. The police would appear almost immediately. Probably quicker for a “naked” call than for a double murder. There’d be screaming, finger pointing, and panic among those well disguised God Squad members wearing their bikinis and thongs. Is being naked all that much different than that. I don’t think so. Plan on a grand celebration next year. Naked, dancing, strutting, and proud.
Let’s start this week off with a few more tidbits of useless information to brighten your day. These items were collected from hither and yon and are interesting and yes even stupid.
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The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
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The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the General Purpose" vehicle, GP.
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The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver."
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Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
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The world’s termites outweigh the world’s humans 10 to 1.
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On average, 100 people choke to death on ball point pens every year.
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No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
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There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
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Typing the word typewriter uses only letters from the top row of your keyboard.
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A 10 foot tall emu was spotted walking the streets of New York in 1973, it had accidently escaped from a circus that specialized in large exotic birds. When police questioned the circus owners they responded saying "George was constipated, so we thought a run around the grounds may help him feel better" Police fined the circus 25 dollars, and 5 months later a bi-law was passed stating that all emus within New York City must be on a leash.
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65% of statistics are made up.
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More people are killed annually by donkeys than in airplane crashes.
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A duck’s quack does echo, despite rumors to the contrary.
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Camels milk doesn’t curdle.
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Murphy’s oil soap is a chemical commonly used to wash elephants.
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Porcupines float in water.
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"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
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The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
I’s good to remember these factoids. Case in point, if you’re ever required to wash a freaking elephant you’ll know exactly the kind of soap to buy. Also, if you’re ever in NYC with your emu, you’ll know the law and buy a big assed leash. Who else but me would take time out of my busy day to let you known these things. Again, you’re welcome.
Earlier this week I spent some time ridiculing attorneys and criminal witnesses as to their unbelievable stupidity. I wouldn’t want anyone to think for a minute that my posting was meant to be malicious, just funny and ridiculous. I thought today I would include in my musings the behavior of really stupid criminals who make their attorney’s look like geniuses.
You have to admit that people who choose a life of crime aren’t too bright to start with. The following stories are actual tales about actual stupid criminals arrested within the last few years. You just can’t make this stuff up. Many years ago in my rookie year as a police officer my partner told me some valuable words of police wisdom. Since he was my training officer and had almost twenty-five experience on the job I listened intently. His philosophy about police work was this, "If it wasn’t for the stupid fucking criminals we’d never catch anyone." Here’s a few of them that were caught.
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A stupid thief pled guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief told a passerby he was going to rob the store, gave the man a dollar, and asked him to go inside and buy a scarf to help him hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took the dollar, went inside the store… and called the police.
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During a high school break-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two really stupid burglars found a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When they couldn’t figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn’t loaded and left it behind. The men apparently didn’t realize they’d been fooling around with a digital camera that allowed police to downloaded the snapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects were quickly arrested.
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A woman reported her car stolen and mentioned there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the telephone and told the moron that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and was interested in buying the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
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A dumb ass criminal on trial for drug possession in Pontiac, Michigan, said he’d been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn’t need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher’s jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
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A 21 year old idiot, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. He gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later he was arrested because information on the screen showed a two-year-old armed robbery warrant from St. Louis, Missouri. A huge dumb ass.
What did I tell you? I guess my old training officer was right on the money with his advice. Some things are just wisdom for the ages.
I receive a few emails each week and unfortunately some of them are more than a little rude. The people who send those messages apparently don’t wish to have their user ID’s published in my Comments section. Every once in a great while I receive something that makes me smile and when that occurs I pass it along to you.
Recently I was sent the following information from an anonymous emailer. He claimed he likes reading my postings that contain quotations. He collected a few of his own from friends and other unknown sources and sent them along. In my opinion they seem more like bumper stickers than quotations but I’m forwarding them along on the side chance you’ll get a chuckle or two. I’m also really glad I don’t know any of this guys friends because some of these are sooooo freaking lame. Hold your nose with one hand and read on.
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A day without sunshine is like, night.
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I just got lost in thought and believe me It was unfamiliar territory.
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Some days you’re the dog, and some days you’re the hydrant.
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99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
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A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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I just read that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are merging. It’ll be called You-Twit-Face.
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Politicians and diapers need to be changed regularly, usually for the same reason.
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Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
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Birds of a feather flock together, and crap on your car.
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I can resist everything except temptation.
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If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
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Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.
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I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
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Born free, taxed to death.
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Smile, it makes people wonder what you’re thinking.
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In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
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Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but if you think about it, neither does milk.
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In order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don’t need it.
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Silence is golden… duck tape is silver.
The only one I really liked and appreciated was the last one on the list. For some reason that one just clicked for me. At first I laughed and then after thinking about it for a moment or two realized just how true it is and laughed again. Sometime it’s necessary to break up the day with a little silliness and that one did it for me.
So here’s a special thanks to Mr. Anonymous for his contribution. Next time send me some actual quotations because I love reading them too.
Welcome back to the E.U.T. University the best known reservoir of totally useless knowledge. You’ll learn through our detailed courses of study many of the things that have puzzled mankind for centuries. We’ll continue our course of study today with two more lesson plans for your archives.
Todays lessons concern two things which are generally known but the true facts aren’t readily available. Thanks to EUTU you are about to be made a little smarter than you were prior to this visit.
Lesson #3 – Why Do Men Have Nipples?
Once a human embryo has been conceived, no matter what its ultimate gender, it follows a female template, adopting all female characteristics, including nipples. After a number of weeks in this state, a certain gene in the mail embryo stimulates the production of the male hormone testosterone, which prompts the embryo to develop masculine qualities. While the nipples remain present they will not function the way that they would have had the embryo been supplied with female hormones.
Not only do male babies have nipples, but they also are born with breast tissue and milk ducts and glands. These are normally in operative, but, if men experience increased levels of the female hormone estrogen and a lack of testosterone, they can develop breasts like those of women and, in extreme cases, even perform lactation. Because men have breast tissue, they are at risk from breast cancer, albeit to a far lesser extent than women are.
It has been asked why evolution has not done away with these superfluous male nipples. The common response is that, because diseases affecting the nipples are rare in men, there is no genetic imperative to do away with the nipple and so they remain.
So watch out guys. Stay away from those scary female hormones. You’ve always known how crazy they make women and it’s probably even worse for us men. Not only can you grow boobs and lactate, you can also be stricken with breast cancer. Count your blessings and stay away from that estrogen.
Lesson #4 – What is the Purpose of Pubic Hair?
The purpose of pubic hair is something that has been argued about for years. Even today, scientists are still unsure of its function.
One view is that pubic hair protects against friction during sexual intercourse, and provides cushioning for the pelvis in that area. Another view is that it provided insulation or our ancestors, although this is not widely held because of the lack of significant hair over the rest of our bodies. However, there is some support for the idea that the hair helps to regulate body temperature in the genital area which is particularly important for the production of sperm in men.
Pubic hair is curly because for some reason our sex hormones turn the hair follicles in that area into an oval shape, which in turn makes the hair an oval shape, causing it to bend. Straight hair grows from round follicles and is less prone to curliness.
That concludes today’s lessons and I hope you’ve found out a few new facts that have eluded you until now. As before, break into study groups to further discuss and better understand the information you’ve been given. There will be tests in your future.
CLASS DISMISSED
I love letters from kids regardless of the situation. They have an honesty that’s refreshing to say the least. As I recently cruised the web I discovered a web site that posted sample letters for adults to send to their kids at camp. I would hope that most parents just might be offended by the assumption that they’re too stupid to write a proper letter to their child. I ‘m also certain that if the kids received these cookie-cutter letters they would know just exactly what they were. They’re way more aware of things these days than we were.
No matter what parents say, they actually do miss their children when they’re attending summer camp. I would think that writing that first letter to your child after they’ve been away from home for a period of time would be tough. Not the letter itself but all the worrying you’ll do when your child has been out of touch for a few days or weeks. I certainly wouldn’t need assistance from some web site to communicate with my kid. Here are a few of the samples provided to assist any lazy parents in writing a freaking letter. They’ve even broken it down by age and sex of the child but for my purposes these two should be sufficient to make my point.
For a 10 Year Old Boy
Dear Xavier,
I miss you! I have been thinking about you a lot and all of the fun camp activities you’re involved in. Have you tried any new sports? When I went to summer camp, my favorite sport was "Monkey Soccer". Ask me about it when you get home.
I hope the food is okay. What is the favorite thing you’ve eaten so far? Have you done any funny camp skits? Or seen any funny camp pranks?
I hope you are having lots of fun. If you are having a hard day, please hang in there. Scruffy misses you too. I know he will want you to play fetch when you get home. We had some rain yesterday and he enjoyed getting muddy.
I love you bunches! See you in a few days!
Love,
Mom
For a 10 Year Old Girl
Dear Michelle,
How is camp? Have you made any neat crafts? Did you like horseback riding? I hope you are enjoying the activities!
I miss you lots! Be sure to take several photos so I can see what you did at camp. We can make a scrapbook together after you get home.
Have you played any fun games? I remember when I went to camp, my favorite was "Capture the Flag." I liked playing it with water balloons the best.
Fluffy missed you too. She slept on your bed last night, I think she will be happy when you come home.
I love you to the moon and back! See you next week!
Love,
Mom
I could show you many more examples but they just seem kind of lame to me. I remember attending camp as a kid and I wasn’t all that interested in receiving or sending letters anyway. I was having a great time and couldn’t be bothered. I assume that’s the case with most kids.
Just to give you a giggle or two here are some quotes from actual camp letters from kids to their parents. There are plenty available for viewing on the web and easy to find if your interested. Many books have also been written and are available from many Web book sellers. They are just too damned cute. Spelling and grammatical errors are included for your amusement.
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“Hey Mom! I’m having so much fun!! …I miss u! But this is so much better than u yelling at me, Joey and dad! (no offense)..love, Googie.”
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“Dear Mom and Dad, Our cabin is so dirty and unclean that this bacterial disease called Empitiga so far 4 people in our cabin have it under their armpits. I have it all over my face…”
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“A ginormous tree hit our cabin and knoked it down! When I was in it! No one got hurt, though. It was so scary! When the roof fell off our cabin everyone got soaked!… Love, Juliet. P.s. please do not be alarmed.”
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“Dear Mom and Dad, I love everything about this camp except the campers. Love, Sarina”
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“…they made me clean the table. I want to go home!…I stopped crying…But we have chores today. I am the Scraper, Sweeper and Maid.”
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“Dear Mom and Dad, This is not a camp from my dreams, it’s the 100th level of hell. I hate this stupid camp. I am getting out of here. Write me. I NEED MORE STAMPS. Save me!!! I am out of stamps.”
Camp is just another phase we’re forced to endure on our way to adulthood. I must say that the camping trips I took during my dating years were way better than summer camp. By then I was a little smarter about girls which made my continuing education much more interesting.
On a regular basis I use quotations to help me explain my opinions on things in a way easy to understand and most times humorous. These quotations can be from famous celebrities, educated teachers, and even the occasional politician who might have something interesting to say. The majority of the persons quoted are deceased which must make them much smarter than when alive. I can’t explain that but it seems to be true.
Comics like Mae West, George Carlin, and Richard Pryor were funny as hell before they died and for some reason many of their quotes are even funnier now. Maybe it’s just the person who’s doing the repeating of those quotes. The most under appreciated author of thousands of quotes and humorous thoughts is almost never properly recognized for his/her efforts in keeping us smiling and laughing. That person goes by two aliases, Unknown and Anonymous. Most of the truly profound quotes by this person are repeated often by many people in their everyday conversations and have been for years. Here’s an example of three:
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Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Anonymous
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There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
Unknown
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Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent.
Anonymous
We’ve heard these quotes for most of out lives although the wording may have changed a little as each decade slides by. They’re still funny and insightful from that ever present Anonymous philosopher. Wouldn’t you enjoy sitting with Mr. or Ms. Unknown/Anonymous for a lunch and follow up conversation? To laugh a lot and appreciate the humor and content of his/her thoughts for just a little while. Common sense seems to be a rarity these days and a person’s ability to communicate profound ideas and thoughts in a humorous way is the rarest gift of all. Here are a few more quotes for your enjoyment.
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9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Anonymous
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Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.
Unknown
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Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily as lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Unknown
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She’s been up and down more times than a whore’s drawers.
Anonymous
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A kiss: To a young girl, faith; to a married woman, hope; to an old maid, charity.
Unknown
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The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.
Anonymous
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Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
Unknown
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Ten percent of something is better than 100% of nothing.
Unknown
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Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
Anonymous
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It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
Anonymous
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Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
Unknown
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Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Unknown
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Don’t brake until you see god, then brake like hell.
Unknown
That list is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Who this Anonymous or Unknown genius is really isn’t all that important. It’s somehow getting his/her ideas out there for us to read, digest, and pass-on that is the important thing. I’ve always found myself drawn to the Anonymous quotes first because for me they represent all of us. The John Doe’s, the Jane Doe’s, and the John Q. Public’s, who seem to have more knowledge than expected and the secret ability to communicate without rudeness or condescension. It’s a true talent.
That being said here is maybe my all time favorite Anonymous quotation. Every time I read it I just smile. It tickles my funny bone and I’m not sure why. It might tell you a little more about me and my sense of humor and that’s okay too.
With the holiday fast approaching I decided to have an easy day by posting some more of that useless crap everyone seems to love. Some of these are really interesting and others not so much. I hope you trivia lovers out there make good use of this valuable and uninteresting nonsense.
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A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
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When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop … even your heart.
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40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
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The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
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The average housefly lives for one month.
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A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
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The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
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Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
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The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it’s head are the rabbit and the parrot.
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Michael Jackson’s estate owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
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In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
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The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
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Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were seventh cousins.
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Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
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There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
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A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
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There are more chickens than people in the world.
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Two-thirds of the world’s eggplants are grown in New Jersey.
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The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
I’m still debating with myself as to what sort of posting I should do for the holiday. I’m not really interested in flying the flag with all of the normal corny stuff you might expect. I’ve done it in the past but it leaves me feeling a little disappointed in myself that I can’t come up with something a little more original. I’m sure to have it figured out by tomorrow.
I find women interesting and the older I get the more interesting they become. Highly emotional with all of the accompanying maternal instincts that pretty much control their lives. The consequences of being the child bearing gender are many but in small doses they aren’t too bad. As with everything else, too much of a good thing can end up being a real problem.
It’s been my observation that certain women have children, love them, raise them, and send them on their way. You’d think they’d be happy to have accomplished such a difficult task as having and then raising a child or two or three or even four. I guess it all depends on the individual woman.
Normally what occurs after the nest has been emptied is their subtle and sometimes subconscious need to try and refill it. Who’s the only logical candidate to help them accomplish that? The poor spouse or partner. He becomes the target of all those wonderful traits that attracted him to her in the first place. It’s a totally different situation when she begins treating her spouse or partner like he’s a prepubescent child. The hovering and constant nit-picking can drive a person over the edge.
How can a man deal with these problems without getting angry and hurting her feelings? Not an easy proposition but unless you find a solution there could be big trouble in River City.
Fortunately if the woman is reasonably aware of what she’s doing and after a period of time (hopefully short) and with the man’s help this phase will pass and life can return to normal (whatever that is). As a man your lucky if this Empty-Nest Syndrome passes quickly and the one thing that can make that happen is the arrival of that first grandchild. All of those pent up motherly feelings can now be targeted to the new baby which in turn makes the man’s life a little easier (but not for long).
Just when you think your life will finally calm down without any more unneeded drama the scariest thing you could ever imagine arrives, “THE CHANGE”. Night sweats, hot flashes, temper tantrums, and a really unfriendly alter-ego that turns your soulmate and life partner into Mrs. Hyde. It could take years for this to come and go and it is one helluva a rough ride for all involved.
I found out the hard way just how bad it can be but after much experimentation I discovered a simple way to short circuit the Change a little. You can’t cure the physical side effects of the Change but you can lessen the impact of the other symptoms with a healthy dose of humor. It’s almost impossible for her to be totally crazy if you can keep her laughing. Mix in healthy doses of hugging, touching, and other dangerous activities and you may just survive to reach the promised land. The promised land is that wonderful place where you can have all the sex you want without fear of pregnancy. It’s weird that Mother Nature makes you wait until old age for this to occur. It would have been nicer to have that luxury back in my thirties.
There you have it. You’re now in your sixties, retired, and have all the time in the world for all that sex you’ve always complained you never had time for. Unfortunately you also no longer have the kind of stamina that’s necessary to fulfill all of your insane sex fantasies. On top of that you have aches and pains in odd places making things even more interesting and difficult.
Mother Nature is one ironic and totally unfunny woman.
It’s been a few weeks since I slipped back into journal mode but with the summer beginning I thought I should catch up a little. It’s been raining off and on for more than a week forcing us to be house-bound once again. With all of this rain the garden is flourishing and beginning to look like my own personal jungle.
The summer plans are once again being readjusted due to family obligations by my better-half. What I initially thought would be a quiet summer is slowly slipping away. I shouldn’t be all that surprised since it happens more often than not.
I spent more than a little time yesterday attempting to get my chores in order. If you garden you don’t need to be told just how important maintaining a compost pile is. Unfortunately that magic doesn’t just happen. It must be maintained just like anything else and this week I took steps to do just that. There’s nothing as much fun as standing ankle deep in compost and turning the pile. My compost consists primarily of grass clipping left to rot. The smell is unforgettable and the larger the pile becomes the worse the smell. With the over abundance of rain the amount of clippings being saved is huge. I no longer have a compost pile but a compost mountain. What a dirty but necessary job.
My cucumber wine is progressing nicely. The aroma is rather nice but I haven’t tasted it yet. It needs to progress a little further into the process because it would only taste like yeast at this stage. My better-half finally put up a batch of blueberry wine which we’re both looking forward to drinking. It seems that almost anything made with blueberries always tastes wonderful. The blueberries also make almost anything they’re mixed with taste even better. This Fall should be very productive for jams and jellies with the rain making for fat and luscious berries.
With the Fourth of July approaching we’re planning a couple of beach days. The weather looks as if it will be cooperating for a change so we’ll really be able to enjoy ourselves. The better-half is insisting we make a short visit to our local amusement park to enjoy a few rides and a visit to a small kiosk that specializes in Chinese chicken wings. She has a serious addiction to wings that hasn’t lessened over the years. Just recently we made a trek to our favorite spot in Portland for outstanding chicken wings. The Great Lost Bear is known for it’s hot wings and believe me they are unbelievable. Their super hot version will almost certainly kill you but I guarantee you’ll die happy with a smile on your face.
Now that the heaviest rain storms are over and things are drying out I’ll be able to get into the woods for some head-clearing alone time. My camera and lenses have been cleaned to within an inch of their lives and are ready for some heavy use. I can’t wait.
So, we’ll celebrate the countries birthday this coming week as well as the life, death, and times of Thomas Jefferson. I’m pretty sure if he were here he wouldn’t be celebrating all that much but that just my humble opinion. I’ll get back to my normal postings soon enough and I’m looking forward to an interesting summer. I hope you are as well.
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