Archive for the ‘funny’ Tag
Being a huge fan of trivia of all sorts, todays post is a quiz of World trivia. This is quite a difficult test and should challenge just about everyone taking it. If you consider yourself a trivia aficionado, then this quiz will definitely test your skills. As always, the answers will be posted at the end of this post. Good luck!
- Which continent is the highest – with more than half of it 6,562 feet above sea level?
- At what speed was the Titanic traveling when it struck the iceberg and sank on its 1912 maiden voyage?
- What four Asian countries are known in economic circles as the Four Tigers?
- What country includes the islands of New Britain and New Ireland?
- Who was the first non-head of state – living or dead – to be depicted on a postage stamp?
- What great ruler died of a nosebleed on his wedding night?
- What was blamed for the death of Emperor Claudius and Tiberius, Czar Alexander I, Pope Clement VII and Charles V of France?
- What is the most popular first name in the world?
- What continent has no glaciers?
Answers
Antarctica, 22 knots-or just a little more than 25mph, Hong Kong-Singapore-South Korea-Taiwan, Russia, Papua New Guinea, Benjamin Franklin 1847, Atilla the Hun AD 453, Poison mushrooms, Muhammad, Australia
HOW DID YOU DO?
Being a former police office was an eye-opening experience. Your life is a constant challenge when dealing with criminals, domestic violence, and hundreds of other petty and sometimes stupid crimes and incidents. My first year required that I ride with a more experienced officer who would further explain the job and the handling of the many different types of incidents. Even back then I maintained a diary of sorts for unusual cases and unforgettable moments. It also was extremely handy to have that book as reference material when appearing in court. I always referred to it as my Cover-My-Ass diary. It would eventually be replaced many years later by the bodycam. The veteran officer also explained to me his philosophy on law enforcement very quaintly. “If it wasn’t for the stupid criminals, we’d never catch anyone.” He meant it tongue-in-cheek, but it was also true in many cases. Here are a few tidbits I’ve saved from my old files and additional research.
- Two men once tried to pull off the front of an ATM machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.
- An Arizona company specializing in staging gunfights for western movies, received a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was later sentenced to four years in jail.
- A man had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted as passengers. The judge ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.
- A judge decided that a jury went “a little bit too far” in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.
- When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a parked motor home, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very ill man curled up next to the motor home near a puddle of spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal the gasoline but plugged his hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.
- A drug-possession defendant claimed he had been searched by police without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn’t need a warrant because a “bulge” observed in his jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said the defendant, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it to the judge who discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
- Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering the US from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves if checked by border agents, while the truck actually concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not too bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.
- A defendant was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week. The store manager testified that he was indeed the robber. The defendant jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, “I should have blown your [expletive] head off.” He then quickly added, “-if I’d been the one that was there.” The jury took 20 minutes to convict him and recommended a 30-year sentence.
🚨🚓🚨
STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES
(Forest Gump)
It seems that the whole world is fascinated by the American west and cowboy lifestyles in general. But I’ve noticed over the years, being a limerick collector, there seem to be a huge gap of limericks relating to that time period. I think today is as good as any day to begin remedying that problem. I’d like to give a shout out to the memory of the late Ray Allen Billington, who spent many years writing about the American West. He edited and authored twenty-five books prior to his passing in 1981 and many contained limericks. So, put on your cowboy hat, slip on those fancy leather boots and spurs, sit back and enjoy a few wild west limericks to help kick start your libido.
💥
Old trappers were oft heard to say
A beaver was not a bad lay.
But buggery ain’t easy
For the timid or queasy,
For the tail always gets in the way.
💥💥
A cowboy who from eastern Montana
Found sex in a devious manner.
He bored monstrous holes
in telegraph poles,
And thrust in his giant banana.
💥💥💥
A whore from the plains of Nebraska
Would do anything you would ask her.
You could lay her all day,
At nominal pay,
But, oh, how you paid nine days after.
💥💥💥💥
The caldrons of Yellowstone Park
Are no place to have sex in the dark.
A young ranger once tried –
Now his balls look deep-fried
And his prick looks like a stick with no bark.
🐴🤠🏹
YEE HAW, BOYS AND GIRLS
I’ve used the term “Fake News” on a number of occasions over the last few years out of frustration with the Mainstream Media. It now appears that those same networks are getting their proverbial asses kicked and I have only one thing to say – KARMA BABY! It’s about effing time! Sometime ago I discovered a small book titled “Fake News” which probably would help explain why it’s so difficult for me to take most mainstream media types seriously. In my opinion news reporting should be something to help the public to become aware of problems, trends, and occurrences and how to deal with them. They should be the ultimate Public Service announcements which serve a useful purpose. This book was a treasure trove of truly stupid and sensationalistic headlines that make it difficult to take the reporters (news readers) seriously. I’ll list ten actual headlines to make my point.
ALBERT EINSTEINS QUOTE ABOUT LIVING A MODEST LIFE SELLS FOR $1.3 MILLION DOLLARS
SELENA GOMEZ CONFESSES HER BIZARRE CRUSH ON BARNEY THE PURPLE DINOSAUR
ZOO MEERKAT EXPERT SENTENCED OVER ASSAULT ON MONKEY HANDLER
IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE SEX WITH A GHOST – BRITISH WOMEN DOES AND LOVES IT.
KFC LAUNCHES DRUMSTICK BATH BOMBS THAT WILL MAKE YOU SMELL LIKE FRIED CHICKEN
CHUNKY RACCOON STUCK IN GRATE RESCUED BY FIREFIGHTERS
MAN ACCUSED OF PEEING ON FAMILY AT METALLICA CONCERT
POLE DANCING COULD BECOME AN OLYMPIC EVENT
SMALL TOWN CONNECTICUT ELECTION DECIDED BY COIN TOSS
PETA WANTS TO FLAVOR TOFU WITH GEORGE CLOONEYS SWEAT
POD CASTS FOREVER
Today I felt like breaking with my long-held tradition to avoid discussing religion. This will be my gift to all of you believers out there. These facts are interesting and at times ridiculous. Get down on your knees say a prayer or two and drink a large glass of holy water. Let’s get started.
- A Bible published in England in 1632 left out the word “not” in the seventh commandment, making it read “Thou shalt commit adultery.” It became known as “The Wicked Bible.”
- The first Bible to be published in America was in the language of the Algonquian Indians.
- The New Testament was originally written in Greek.
- At six cubits and a span, Goliath’s height was somewhere between nine feet, three inches and eleven feet, nine inches.
- In February of 1964 evangelist Billy Graham broke his lifelong rule against watching television on Sunday – to see the Beatles first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show.
- When W.C. Fields was caught glancing through a Bible, he explained it with, “Looking for loopholes.”
- The only domesticated animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
- Brigham Young, the famous Morman leader, married his twenty-seventh, and last wife in 1868.
- Sonny and Cher, at the start of their careers, appeared in Bible advertisements for the American Bible Society.
- Moses was 120 years old when he died. Methuselah lived to be 969 years old, according to Genesis.
✝️✡️☯️☪️
My favorite all time religious trivia fact.
LOL
On November 29, 2000, Pope John Paul II was made an honorary Harlem Globe Trotter.
LET ME HAVE A HUGE AMEN!!
Well, I’m sitting here in Maine expecting the fourth snowstorm in the last few weeks and freezing my butt off. I really can’t go outside because I’m not a snow bunny, so I sit here at the computer trying to decide what to post. Everyone knows that I love limericks, so I thought I’d take it one step further than usual and attempt to locate a few limericks written prior to 1900. I found a few but needless to say the language is a little coarser than usual. I’m posting them as originally written but I recommend you keep them out of the hands of children. These four limericks were written in the 1880’s.
💥
Have you heard about Magna Lupescu,
Who came to Romania’s rescue.
It’s a wonderful thing
To be under a king
Is democracy better, I asked you?
💥💥
There died an old man of Moldavia,
Well, known for his bawdy behavior.
When the priests thought him shriven,
And fitted for heaven,
He cried, “Go and bugger the Saviour!”
💥💥💥
There was a young farmer of Nant
Whose conduct was gay and gallant,
For he fucked all his dozens
Of nieces and cousins,
In addition, of course, to his aunt.
💥💥💥💥
A cheerful old party of Lucknow
Remarked, ” I should just like a fuck now!”
So, he had one and spent
And said,” I’m content,
By no means am I so cunt-struck now.”
☘️☘️☘️
I THINK I PREFER OUR MORE RECENT ONES
It’s another cold and miserable day here in Maine and I have no plans to leave the house at all. It goes against my common sense to go outside and freeze my ass off for no good reason. What better way to make a cold and miserable day a little more pleasant than to read some truly interesting yet captivating dirty jokes. Let’s get started.
A woman in her 40’s went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called The Knob in which a small knob is placed on the back of the woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand-new face lift. Of course, the woman Immediately wanted The Knob. Over the years the woman tightened the knob when needed, the effects were wonderful, and the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After 15 years the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. “All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: first, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and The Knob won’t get rid of them.” The doctor looked at her closely and said honey those aren’t bags; those are your breasts. She said, well, I guess there’s no point in asking about this goatee.
Q. What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak.
A guy takes his wife to the Doctor. The doc says, well it’s either Alzheimer’s disease or AIDS. “What do you mean?” the guy says. “You can’t tell the difference?” “Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages. Tell you what you should do, drive her way out into the country and kick her out of the car, if she finds her way home, don’t screw her.
The man returns from the tropics feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, who immediately rushes him to the hospital to undergo tests. After the tests are completed, the man wakes up to the ringing of a telephone in his private room at the hospital. On the other end of the line, the doctor explains, “We’ve received the results back from your tests. and found that you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H., which is a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes. “Oh my God” said the man, what am I going to do?” “Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes and pita bread.” Will that cure me?” asks the man curiously. Well, no, but it’s the only food we can get under the door.
KEEP SMILING
I was sure that the title of this post would draw some immediate attention. It’s well known that this country is addicted to all things sexual. Our TV shows, news programs, and advertisements are filled with sexual content. Sex can also be great fun if done properly and our laws are what helps the society determine that. It’s totally a judgement call but thanks to our colorful history beginning with those god-fearing Pilgrims, sexual matters can be monitored, and the local citizenry makes the determination as to what is considered proper and legal behavior. That’s when things get a little strange. Here is a list of laws addressing sexual behavior from all areas of the country and it doesn’t get much stranger than this. You be the judge.
- In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania – It is against the law to have sex with a truck driver in a toll booth.
- In Willowdale, Oregon, its unlawful for a husband to talk dirty to his wife during sex.
- In Clinton, Oklahoma it is illegal to masturbate while watching two people having sex in a car.
- In Newcastle, Wyoming it is illegal to have sex in a butcher shop’s meat locker.
- In Ames, Iowa, there is a law against drinking more than three slugs of beer while lying in bed with a woman.
- In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law forbidding two pigs from having sex on airport property.
- In Ventura County, California there is a law forbidding cats and dogs from having sex without a permit.
- In Washington DC, there is a law against having sex in any position but face to face.
- In Alexandria, Minnesota, it against the law for a man to have sex with his wife with the stink of onions, sardines, and garlic on his breath.
- In Tremonton, Utah, it’s against the law to have sex in an ambulance.
LET’S GIVE THANKS TO THOSE DAMN PILGRIMS
This is a perfect day for a truck load of silliness. First let’s look over some truly stupid and published newspaper headlines.
CHILD’S STOOL GREAT FOR USE IN THE GARDEN
SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN
DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
MAN RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN DIES
Next are a few actual classified ads that made me smile.
😁😁😁
Joining nudist colony, must sell washer & dryer – $300.00
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.
Man wanted to work in explosive factory. Must be willing to travel.
Quotes and Malaprops from actual high school and college exams on the subject of Music Appreciation
😜😜😜
- The principal singer of nineteenth-century opera was called the pre-Madonna.
- Agnes Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
- A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
- When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
- Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.
And finally, a serious quote from a serious Playboy playmate, Barbie Benton.
(Not PETA Approved)
“I believe that minks are raised to be turned into fur coats and if we didn’t wear fur coats, those little animals would never have been born. So is it better not to have been born, or to have lived for one or two years to have been turned into a fur coat. I don’t know.”
PROMISE TO BE SILLY AT LEAST ONCE A DAY
We woke up to five inches of snow this AM. I was forced into snow-blowing the driveway at 7:15. I’m really glad I didn’t wait because the snow was slowly melting and getting heavy making the snow-blower work extra hard. The driveway is now clear making it possible for my shopaholic better-half to get out and about. I really haven’t decided what to post today so taking a tip from some of my teachers of years ago, when in doubt they just gave us a pop quiz. Since food always seems to interest everyone, here are ten questions for you foodies out there. The answers will be listed below.
- What animal is the source of milk used in making Roquefort cheese?
- What part of the banana is used to make banana oil?
- Two states have official beverages. Florida is orange juice, what is the other?
- What words are found on the three rings of the Ballentine beer label?
- How many quarts of milk does it take to make one pound of butter?
- How much money did American Airlines claim to have saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each of it’s salads served in the first-class sections?
- What fruit did the Visigoths demand in ransom when they laid siege of Rome?
- What is the BRAT diet to eliminate diarrhea?
- What do Eskimos use to prevent their food from freezing?
- If you ordered the Five B’s breakfast in New England, what will you be served?
Answers
The Ewe (female sheep), None-banana oil is a synthetic, Ohio-tomato juice, Purity-Body-Flavor, 9.86 quarts, $40,000.00, 3,000 lbs. of peppercorns, Bananas-Rice-Applesauce-Toast, Refrigerators, Boston Baked Beans and Brown Bread
everyuselessthing.com 