Archive for the ‘funny’ Tag
I decided that continuing my Christmas theme this month is important. I spent a few minutes yesterday just reading nothing but the headlines from the Drudge Report and if that doesn’t depress you, you’re a better and stronger person than I. I’ve been reading that site for years and I have to admit it’s a real downer most of the time.
In recent days I’ve slowly been developing a little of the good old kind of Christmas spirit I had as a kid. The tree has been decorated and the lights strung and my better-half has covered every surface of every piece of furniture in the house with Santa statues and assorted Christmas knick-knacks. We’re shopping hard, wrapping presents, and preparing packages for shipment to various family members located around the country. It takes a while for me to get with the Christmas program but eventually I do.
It’s meant to be a happy time so with that in mind here’s a little Santa humor to start your day.
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It was coming up to Christmas and Sammy asked his mother if he could have a new bike. She told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus. But Sam, having just played a vital role in the school nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus. So his mother told him that would be fine.
Sam went to his room and wrote, ‘Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas.’
But he wasn’t very happy when he read it over. So he decided to try again and this time he wrote: ‘Dear Jesus, I’m a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.’
He read it back and wasn’t happy with that one either. He tried a third version: ‘Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike.’
He read that one too, but he still wasn’t satisfied.So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach. After a short time he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in the front garden. He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed. Then he wrote this letter.
‘Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, you’d better send me a new bike.’
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Are you smiling? Good! Now I’ll pass along a selection of kid’s letters to Santa that should keep that smile on your face for the rest of the day. I have to admit I have no memories of writing letters to Santa as a kid but I wish I had. Being able to read them after so many years would have been great fun. Here we go.
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Dear Santa,
Please give me a doll this year. I would like her to eat, walk, do my homework, and help me clean my room.
Thank you, Jenny
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Dear Santa,
Thanks for the race car last year. Can I have another one, only this time one that is faster than my best friend’s race car?
Ricky
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Dear Father Christmas,
I wish you could leave a puzzle under the tree for me. And a toy for my sister. Then she won’t want to play with mine and I can have it to myself.
Merry Christmas, Cassie
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Dear Santa,
You can send me one of everything from the boys’ section of the Sears catalogue. But nothing from the girls’ section. I can’t wait for Christmas to come.
Kent
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Dear Pere Noel,
Could you come early this year? I’ve been really super good, but I don’t know if I can last much longer. Please hurry.
Love, Jordan
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Dear Santa,
I lost my list of toys, so please just send me the stuff that you forgot from last year.
Todd
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Dear Father Christmas,
What should I leave for your reindeer to eat? Do they like cookies, too? My mom won’t let me bring hay into the living room.
Your friend, Sandy
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Dear Santa,
I need a new skateboard for Christmas. The one I got now crashes too much. Band-aids would be OK too.
David
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Dear Santa,
Would you rather I leave you cookies and milk or pizza? Dad says you’d probably like the pizza. Write back right away to let me know.
Love, Lisa
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Dear Kris Kringle,
Please give me a tank, a jet fighter, 20 green soldiers, and a bazooka gun. I’m planning a surprise attack on my brother. So don’t tell anyone.
Thanks, Danny
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Dear Santa,
How will you get into our house this year? We don’t have a chimney and my father just installed a very expensive security system.
Julie
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Dear Santa,
Mommy says that you only bring presents for the good little boys. That isn’t fair.
Brian
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Dear Santa,
How old are you? How did you meet Mrs. Claus? Is your first name really Santa? Can I be an elf next year? Who is your favorite kid? How do you fit all those toys in your sleigh? I have more questions for later.
Your pal, Pauline
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Dear Father Christmas,
My mother told me to write to you and say thanks for the train set. My dad plays with it all the time.
Mike
I’m not sure when or where the tradition of writing these Santa letters began. The following article was released to the public in 2011 after being written in 1910. The list of items reveals the age of the letter and I’m still not totally sure what some of these items actually are.
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Hannah Howard’s Christmas letter was hidden and lost in a chimney for years. The ghost of Christmas 100 years past arrived early for a County Down, Northern Ireland man when he discovered the “Santa letter” his late mother wrote when she was a girl.
The scorched letter was dated Christmas Eve 1911 and had been up a chimney in a Dublin house for decades. Victor Bartlem’s mother, Hannah Howard, had written her Christmas wish list when she was just 10 years old.
It was first discovered in 1992 when the current house owner John Byrne installed central heating. He came upon Hannah’s letter in the chimney and decided to keep it as a memento of times past. He made it public in 2011 in the Irish Times and it was there that Victor – living more than 100 miles away in Bangor, County Down, read about it.
Here is that list written over a hundred years ago.
A baby doll.
A waterproof with a hood.
A pair of gloves and a toffee apple.
A gold penny and a silver sixpence.
A long toffee.
Hannah was born on Christmas Day 1900 and she died in 1978.
* * *
The items requested then appear to be very basic and far less demanding than our modern day equivalents. If you have young children or grandchildren, take a few minutes and let them write a letter to Santa. Then hide them away for twenty or more years. What better gift could you give the authors than a look back to their childhoods. They’ll love it.
Today’s the day that I began my yearly chore of putting together my list of New Year’s resolutions. I realize that for most people New Year’s resolutions aren’t taken all that seriously and that over the years they’ve become something meant to be humorous. In my righteous attempt to do it seriously this year I decided to search the Net for any new ideas or tips that could help me. Amazingly, I found quite a number of websites with prewritten lists made for both children and adults. I guess they think that just printing off the list from their webpage gives some kind of credibility to people who are too lazy to take the time to do it properly. Shame on all of you who decided to take the easy way out and use one of those sites.
Here’s one of those lists suggested for younger children and you can decide just how lame it is or isn’t. Or better, would you want your kids to use this list or make up their own.
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I will do my homework in time.
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I will sleep in time.
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I will drink milk and water, and limit aerated drinks.
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I’ll never give out personal information such as my name, home address, school name or telephone number on the Internet or to strangers.
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I’ll be nice to other kids. I’ll be friendly to kids who need friends – like someone who is shy, or is new to my school.
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I will wear my seat belt every time I get in a car. I’ll sit in the back seat and use a booster seat until I am tall enough to use a lap/shoulder seat belt.
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I will apply sunscreen before I go outdoors.
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I will try to stay in the shade whenever possible and wear a hat and sunglasses, especially when I’m playing sports.
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I will try to find a sport (like basketball or soccer) or an activity (skipping rope, dancing or horse riding) that I like and do it at least three times a week!
You have to admit this list is no more than politically correct nonsense. You may be able to force your kids to accept this list as their own but their heart just wouldn’t be in it. I continued my search looking for more resolutions that applied mainly to adults and found much more of the same. Premade politically correct BS which didn’t help me at all. I then sat down at my desk and put together this list of humorous adult resolutions found at another such site.
1. This year, I’m just making one New Year’s resolution: Stop making resolutions. My only other resolution is to quit breaking my resolutions.
2. I probably shouldn’t be making any new resolutions this year…mainly because I’m still working on the ones from last year.
3. This year my New Year’s resolution was to stop saying ‘Seacrest out!’ after I ejaculated.
4. I will stop peeping into my boyfriend’s female friends profile on Facebook.
Again I was disappointed. The adult resolutions while trying to be humorous were even more stupid than I’d expected. I was forced to go to the archives once more and find my posted resolutions for 2013. I was expecting no surprises because I couldn’t remember a single one of them. Here they are with the results of my efforts of which I’m truly ashamed.
1. Don’t wear sweat pants outside the confines of the house less than twice a week (demanded by my better-half). FAILED
2. Pay less than $75.00 a month at Dunkin Donuts. I failed at the $50.00 level, now I’ll just up the monthly amount and hopefully be successful. COMPLETED
3. Tell my better-half I love her at least twenty times a day (again her idea). FAILED
4. Attempt to develop a casual and platonic friendship with my weird neighbors. FAILED
5. Convince my better-half that pizza is not an official food group and refuse to eat it more than once a week. FAILED
6. Don’t call the President a stupid, effing, liberal, socialist, narcissistic A-hole more than twenty times a week. FAILED
7. Read 3 non-fiction and 3 fiction books a month. COMPLETED
8. Fire at least 1000 rounds of ammo a quarter to fine tune my shooting skills to prepare for the impending anarchism which will follow. FAILED
9. Take a vacation to some exotic and strange non-American land (like maybe Boston, New York, San Francisco, or LA). FAILED
10. Refuse to eat dog food more than three times a month to help pay for my mandated Obamacare taxes. COMPLETED
It appears that my accomplishments for 2013 were an abject failure. The fact that I couldn’t remember any of them leads me to believe that in my attempt at humor I cheapened the New Year’s resolution process. What I’m about to show you is NOT, I repeat NOT the final version of my resolutions for 2014. This is just a draft list with my initial thoughts on the matter and I’m sure some changes may be required. See what you think about these.
(Draft Only)
1. Start washing my hands after I use the restroom or just stop peeing on my hands.
2. Stop licking almost everything (well almost everything).
3. Never eat yellow snow or brown asparagus (for you lovey).
4. Spend less than $1000.00 for coffee at Dunkin Donuts this year.
5. Claim my pet as a dependent on my tax return.
6. Start smoking to lose weight.
7. Watch less T.V…. in standard definition.
8. Buy larger clothes.
9. Help kids stay safe by not texting on my cell phone while driving near crosswalks.
10. Stop buttering my doughnuts.
Well there you have it, my first thoughts on the subject for 2014. I certainly need to give it a little more thought as you can see. If you really think about it though, it just makes good sense to have fewer resolutions every year. It helps to keep you from disappointing yourself too much and you’ll then feel less guilty about how little willpower you really have. Hopefully I’ll have my final version completed prior to New Year’s Eve which will give me one more thing to celebrate.
Having worked in and out of this country’s judicial system (I use the term loosely) for decades I feel I’ve earned the right to be as critical of the players in that systems as I care to be. For me it’s a given that most defendants are borderline idiots or they wouldn’t be doing the sort of things requiring arrest. The attorneys are almost as bad and deserve whatever criticism they get as well. The judges and the remainder of the system are flawed as well but as it’s always said, “our system may a mess but it’s better than all of the others.” That’s a paraphrased quote that I didn’t intentionally butcher, it just kind of happened.
Todays posting includes a few on the record questions and answers from a combination of stupid, inept, and well educated individuals. They’re questions and answers are pitiful if they weren’t so ridiculous and at times funny. That these were taken from actual court transcripts is really the scariest part.
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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
My only advice is to avoid the judicial system at all costs. It’s flawed just enough to make it possible for totally innocent people to be convicted and confined. It’ doesn’t happen all that often but it does occasionally occur. Clean living and avoiding criminal elements is my best advice, it just isn’t worth the risk. You’ve been warned.
I miss a lot of people who’ve passed through my life over the years as I’m sure everyone does. I also miss people I never had the pleasure of meeting but enjoyed their talents so much they became part of my family and my reality.
A few days ago I was sitting in my favorite chair with my leg elevated and began surfing around the channels looking for anything that was wasn’t a rerun or just plain crap. After a while I happened upon an infomercial that for the first time actually caught my eye and held my full attention. It was an advertisement for a collection of old Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts. I laughed a bit but was especially surprised to see my all time favorite TV personality make an appearance, Johnny Carson.
I watched his Tonight Show as often as possible for more more years than I care to admit and in my opinion he was the all time funniest bastard ever. I like Leno but he barely registers on my radar. Letterman in my opinion has always been overrated and I don’t understand why. Jimmy Kimmel has his moments but not much more than that. And a personal message for Arsenio Hall, “Please just go away, once and for all, just go away.”
After a little looking around I did find a few quotations and comments made by Johnny over the years that I think will tickle your funny bone. It was fun reading them and getting to enjoy his humor once again. Take a look.
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“I now believe in reincarnation. Tonight’s monologue is going to come back as a dog.”
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“Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.”
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“The difference between love and lust is that lust never costs over $200.”
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“Thanksgiving is in emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once year is way too often.”
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“Any time four New Yorkers get into Together without arguing, a bank robbery is just taken place.”
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“Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.”
Man, I really miss that guy. Now I think it’s time for a few limericks to brighten up your day. Here are a few off-color ones you might enjoy:
There once was a harlot at Yale,
With her price list tattooed on her tail;
and on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
She had its emblazoned in Braille.
My dear, you looks simply divine,
And I know that we’ll get along fine;
For making ends meet
Will be such a treat,
When one is yours, and ones mine.
A mortician, practiced in Fyfe,
Made love to the corpse of his wife;
”I couldn’t know, Judge:
She was cold and didn’t budge
The same as she acted in life!”
There once was a young fellow from Cass
whose balls were made out of brass;
When they tinkled together,
They played “Stormy Weather”,
And lightning shot out of his ass!”
They probably weren’t as filthy as you expected but I hesitate to reprint the really nasty ones. Maybe one day I’ll just put together a list of the dirtiest and most disgusting ones I can find. I hate to admit to having a sense of humor that even appreciates that kind of funny but I do.
As I frequently do, I wander aimlessly around the Net looking for inspiration. Unfortunately most of the information available is either nonsense or BS. It only becomes relevant after I’m able to put it into context for all of you. Dealing with people on the Net takes a great deal of skill, intuition, and luck. Great care must be taken because dangers lurk in the oddest places. I trained for decades to interview people, read body language, and to make a determination of their guilt or innocence. Trying to do that same thing on the Net is an almost impossible task. Since I can’t meet face-to-face and I can’t trust photographs any longer, what should I do?
The following list of questions I discovered a few weeks ago and after some necessary editing are ready for my use. They may seem mundane and boring but are they really? The “devil is in the details” is a saying I’ve learned to appreciate over the years. One small piece of information added to another and then another can result in clarification and understanding much like a jigsaw puzzle.
I want my readers to understand me. It’s the wish of almost every other human being on the planet that someone “gets us”. I’m going to list one hundred really stupid and simple questions and then post my answers as well. If you read them all and then bundle them into one huge ball of useless information, you just might have a better understanding of me. It may work or it may not but you’ll never know until you give it a try. To test it further ask a friend, lover, or family member to answer them. You might be surprised to find out they’re not exactly the person you thought. Here we go.
1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Open.
2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? Yes.
3:Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? Tucked out.
4:Have you ever stolen a street sign? Yes
5:Do you like to use post-it notes? Yes, both paper and computerized.
6:Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? No, I hate coupons.
7:Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? Bees, at least I’d survive.
8:Do you have freckles? A few scattered here and there.
9:Do you always smile for pictures? No, I hate being photographed.
10:What is your biggest pet peeve? People who talk-over me while in conversation.
11:Do you ever count your steps when you walk? Almost always.
12:Have you ever peed in the woods? Yes, it’s the best.
13:What about pooped in the woods? I have but it’s unpleasant.
14:Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing? Only when I’m alone.
15:Do you chew your pens and pencils? Only pencils.
16:How many people have you slept with this week? Does my cat count? If he does then “2”.
17:What size is your bed? Queen.
18:What is your Song of the week? Born to die – Lana del Ray
19:Is it okay for guys to wear pink? Yes.
20:Do you still watch cartoons? Almost never.
21:What’s your least favorite movie? Anything with Will Ferrell in it.
22:Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? None of your business. It’s called ‘hidden treasure’ for a reason.
23:What do you drink with dinner? Seltzer Water
24:What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Ketchup.
25:What is your favorite food? Hamburgers.
26:What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Anything prior to 1950.
27:Last person you kissed/kissed you? My better-half.
28:Were you ever a boy/girl scout? Yes.
29:Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? No, it might scare people.
30:When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? 1990.
31:Can you change the oil on a car? Yes.
32:Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Oh yeah.
33:Ever ran out of gas? Once in 1975.
34:Favorite kind of sandwich? BLT, with lots of B.
35:Best thing to eat for breakfast? Bacon, eggs, toast, and coffee.
36:What is your usual bedtime? 11 PM.
37:Are you lazy? No.
38:When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? At 45, I was Woody Allen.
39. Who is your favorite dead singer? Levon Helm
40:How many languages can you speak? 1.5
41:Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Yes, one.
42:Which are better Legos or Lincoln logs? Legos.
43:Are you stubborn? Yes.
44:Who is better…Leno or Letterman? Johnny Carson.
45:Ever watch soap operas? I used to.
46:Are you afraid of heights? Not really, no.
47:Do you sing in the car? Sometimes.
48:Do you sing in the shower? No.
49: Do you sleep clothed or naked? Naked.
50:Ever used a gun? Yes.
51:Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? I was two years old.
52:Do you think musicals are cheesy? Some are, some not.
53:Is Christmas stressful? Yes, it’s a pain in the ass.
54:Ever eat a pierogi? Hundreds of times, Yummmm!
55:Favorite type of fruit pie? Apple.
56:Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Archeologist.
57:Do you believe in ghosts? No.
58:Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Yes.
59:Take a vitamin daily? Yes.
60:Wear slippers? Yes.
61:Wear a bath robe? Not really.
62: How old were you when you lost your virginity? 14.
63:First concert? Harry Chapin.
64:Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Walmart, to people watch.
65:Nike or Adidas? Dr. Scholl
66:Cheetos Or Fritos? Cape Cod Potato Chips.
67:Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Cashews.
68:Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? Hell no.
69:Ever take dance lessons? Yes. as a kid, 3 years.
70:Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? No, there won’t be a future spouse.
71:Can you curl your tongue? Yes, and I know how to use it too.
72:Ever won a spelling bee? No.
73:Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yes, at my divorce hearing.
74:Own any record albums? Yes, vinyl and CD’s.
75:Own a record player? Yes.
76:Regularly burn incense? Yes.
77:Ever been in love? Yes.
78:Who would you like to see in concert? Celine Dion.
79:How many tattoos do you have? Six small ones.
80:Hot tea or cold tea? Hot.
81:Tea or coffee? Coffee.
82:Sugar or snickerdoodles? Sweet’n’Low
83:Can you swim well? Yes.
84:Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yes.
85:Are you patient? Not really.
86:DJ or band, at a wedding? DJ.
87:Ever won a contest? Yes.
88:Ever have plastic surgery? No.
89:Which are better black or green olives? Green.
90:Can you knit or crochet? Neither.
91:Best room for a fireplace? Bed room.
92:Do you want to get married? Never again.
93. Do you wear glasses? Yes.
94:Who was your HS crush? Beth.
95:Do you ever cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? Only as an infant.
96:Do you have kids? Yes.
97:Do you want kids? No more thank you very much.
98:What’s your favorite color? Blue.
99:Do you miss anyone right now? Yes.
100: Have you ever been stung by a bee? Yes.
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There you have it. My screwed up and over-explained personality in a nutshell. Remove a few of these questions and add your own. Personalize it as much as you think is necessary. Then have a few of your friends compete the questions and invite them over for a few bottles of wine and a group discussion. It might be a great deal of fun but even if it isn’t make sure you’re serving a really good wine.
I remember growing up in a time when newspapers ruled the world. Nothing was true unless it was in the paper and each morning people scrambled for the morning news. It was a time when two deliveries of a newspaper was the norm, the morning edition at 6am and another delivered in the early evening. I had an up close and personal relationship with our daily paper, The Valley Daily News, because I was one of it’s part-time carriers. I always felt so damn important as I made my rounds delivering the latest news to all of my friends and neighbors. For me it was a big deal.
I can still remember rushing to the pile of papers as they were tossed off the delivery truck to catch a quick peek at the day’s headlines. It was exciting for a dumb kid like me to be the first to get the scoop of the day.
The quality of the writing seemed much more professional then than some of the stuff I’m reading these days. In my humble opinion our improved technologies and the birth of the Internet have brought the quality of articles and headlines to a very low level. The daily barrage of news these days wears on a person. It’s a constant drumbeat 24 hours a day and it’s annoying as well as redundant.
Back in the day writing was a serious profession and the writing of headlines was almost as important as the articles themselves. I offer for your amusement the following collection of headlines from recent years and various newspapers. Not only do the headlines suck but the editor’s who allowed them to be sent to print should be ashamed. Here we go.
IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED
IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?
PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
PANDA MATING FAILS – VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
NJ JUDGE TO RULE ON NUDE BEACH
CHILD’S STOOL GREAT FOR USE IN GARDEN
DR. RUTH TO TALK ABOUT SEX WITH NEWSPAPER EDITORS
SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN
ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS
You just can’t make this stuff up. For as long as the Net prospers so will my coffers of stupid remain full. Long live the Internet.
Yesterday I was a little bored which might explain why I was visiting Craig’s List. I’m not a huge fan of the site because getting up close and personal with anonymous crazies is not my thing. The history of Craig’s List and it’s problems are well known and need no further explanations from me. I do enjoy reading many of their ads which can be both unusual and occasionally funny.
Funny ads are nothing new. Over the years I’ve been drawn to newspapers and magazine ad sections to get a laugh or two. The Penny Saver newspapers and their ilk are by far the best. The following collection includes a few of those types of ads that made me “laugh out loud” when I read them. It amazes me how the ad writers can inject such humor into their ads and most times don’t even realize it.
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FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB —
$850/best offer
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX,
COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS FOR SALE.
NEVER BRED CALVES.
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR. WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW.
SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES
GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN – 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED – USED ONCE
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT…
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE A REWARD.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS – $175.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE…
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
SELLING WASHER & DRYER $300.
OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS, FOR SALE BY OWNER
COMPLETE SET OF ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA. 45 VOLUMES. EXCELLENT CONDITION. $1,000.00 NEGOTIABLE. NO LONGER NEEDED. RECENTLY MARRIED; WIFE KNOWS EVERYTHING
* * *
Why is it that spontaneous and unplanned humor like these ads can be funnier that a lot of the professionally constructed jokes we hear every day. I find this stuff hilarious and there seems to be an endless supply.
I have to admit to being just like every other man when when it comes to sex. We approach sex quite differently than our female counterparts and for that I’m grateful. It’s that difference that makes the sparks fly and the interesting things begin to happen. Unfortunately it’s also that difference that causes most of the problems in relationships and most of the divorces as well.
We enjoy talking about sex almost as much as we enjoy doing it. Man to man, women to woman, but almost no-one ever crosses that gender barrier. For the men they can exaggerate, lie, and say whatever they want to their buddies who have no way of verifying any of it. Between women it appears to be somewhat different with more feelings, emotions, and over-thinking that most men aren’t prepared to deal with. I personally think that women BS each other just as much as the men but tend to believe each other more. Men know they’re being lied too and expect that. It’s a basic part of male bonding. Women seem to trust each other completely when it comes to comparing men. Why? I have no clue. If you want that answer ask a women.
I love hearing people talk about sex and that includes celebrities and other members of the elite class who think they’re so much smarted than the rest of us. I specifically searched for quotations on sex that were humorous and ridiculous. If I suddenly have someone telling me the truth about sex I wouldn’t know the difference anyway. Here they are, have a laugh or two.
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"My girlfriend always laughs during sex –no matter what she’s reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
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"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
Tom Clancy
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"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Steve Martin
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"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand."
Woody Allen
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"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield
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"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
George Burns
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"There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfeld
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"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
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"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
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"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
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"An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex."
Aldous Huxley
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"When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows."
Frederike Ryder
Now you know everything you need to know about sex straight from the mouths of these Hollywood experts. I’m glad they weren’t around during my formative years or I would have been more confused about sex than I actually was. As you can also see there are no quotations from women listed here. Sorry ladies but I couldn’t find any that added much to the conversation. If you find any please forward them along, I’m really and truthfully interested.
How often do you stop and think about when you were a kid? Does it make you sometimes wish you could be that kid again? Good questions and I’m sure I know the answers. Of course we’ve all taken that trip back to a simpler way of life where there was little or no stress and no overwhelming problems. Our biggest worries then were who to play with and for how long.
Art Linkletter made a fortune with “Kids Say the Darndest Things” because kids really do say the darndest things. They blurt out the truth without thinking about consequences or hurt feelings. Sometimes they’re blunt, sometimes cute, and always funny. I’ve collected the following blurbs during my travels on the Net to help make my point even more interesting.
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While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that’s right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?
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A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I’m just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can’t read, I can’t write – and they won’t let me talk!"
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It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What’d he do?"
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While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
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While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. .and unto the Soonnn. …..and into the hole he gooooes."
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I can’t get enough of these types of stories. There’s nothing better for me than to have the time to sit with a youngster and just have a normal conversation about anything. The way their mind works and how they express their ideas and observations is the absolute best.
We are a week or two away from celebrating our grandson’s first birthday and this week he began walking for the first time. I’m glad about that but he won’t be a real person to me until I can hear him speak his mind. He’ll probably be speaking within a few months and I can’t wait to hear what he has to say. As I watch him now as he observes the world around him, I can almost see him thinking. After more than a year of observing all of us he’s sure to have plenty of questions and opinions. I can’t wait to hear them.
For me this is a slow day. I’m writing on Sunday for Saturday but it still feels like a Sunday. It’s supposed to be a day of rest but that hardly ever happens. Today is a day of miscellaneous stuff and I’ll start off with the answers from yesterdays Food/Cooking Trivia Challenge. When I took the challenge I scored a measly four out of ten which wasn’t all that great but not altogether terrible. Let’s see how you did:
1. New Orleans
2. Miss Piggy
3. Shredded Wheat in 1882
4. 10 pounds. It takes about 75,000 flowers to produce a pound of saffron which is why it’s the most expensive spice the world.
5. 97%
6. The banana, apple, watermelon, orange and cantaloupe in order of their greatest consumption, according to the Food and Drug Administration.
7. The Frito Bandito commercial for Frito corn chips. The complaints came from Mexican-Americans.
8. Peanut butter. Five years later, Dr. John Harvey Kellogg filed for a patent on the process that was not very popular with patients at his Battle Creek, Michigan sanitarium.
9. Refrigerators
10. The fork.
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Now for a hypothetical job interview probably most appreciated by any of our Seniors who just happened to stumble upon this blog.
Job Interview
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Old Man : "Honesty."
Human Resources Manager: "I don’t think honesty is a weakness."
Old Man : "I don’t really give a shit what you think."
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Was I wrong Seniors? That’s pretty much my mind set on any given day. Speak the truth as you see it and to hell with the consequences. I wish I could have been this honest during my days of working for some of the twerps I had for bosses. Oh well, I can dream can’t I?
Next I’ll pass along this paragraph sent to me by a friend from way out in flyover country. He thought it was humorous and so did I.
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No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London , England , and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.
His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.
Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.
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One little dirty limerick to perk up your day:
There once was a young girl from Rabat,
who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat;
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding,
When she found she had no tit for Tat.
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And last but not least a quick “Thank You” to this group of new followers to this blog. Welcome aboard! Please give their blogs a visit and enjoy them as much as I do.
Raluca Stoica, masondan, Opinionated Man, juliemontagu, penueaj, polishgirl21, marissax3x3, Jordan Policicchio, doctorbipolar, theoddspotblog,
ahines3, Charlotte Hoather, Kristin Maack, Susan, and Super Nate.
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