Archive for the ‘Humor’ Tag
I’m feeling the need for some limericks today. I recently came across a book that I picked up at an on-line thrift bookstore and it was a former Boise Public Library book with a date of 2015. It’s a book of limericks written by children for children and some of them are priceless. With that in mind here are four that I particularly liked. I hope you will too.
A teacher of English, Ms. White,
Whose students got everything right,
Would put on her shades
As she wrote down her grades
Because all of her kids were so bright.
😉😉😉
“Ahoy!” Said a pirate named Marrrrty,
Who was fun loving, healthy, and hearrrrty.
“I believe it’s my duty
To go shake my booty,
Cause nothing is more fun than a parrrrty!”
🤪🤪🤪
Said little first grader Pam Plunkett,
“The past tense of ‘shrink it’ is ‘shrunk it.”
Told, “Yes, that is true!
“Just who taught that to you?”
She said, “Not really sure, I just thunk it.”
🤗🤗🤗
A French chef we all call Miss Margo
Cooks lunch at our school here in Fargo.
But we wouldn’t eat
Any yucky frog meat,
So she makes something’ she calls “S cargo.”
*****
SPECIAL THANKS TO BRIAN CLEARY
A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They first went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, she seemed somewhat bored. “What would you like to do next?” he asked. “I want to be weighed,” she said. So, the young man took her over to the weight guesser. “112 lbs,” said the man at the scale, and he was obviously right. Next, they took a ride on the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then asked what else she would like to do. “I want to be weighed,” she said again. I really latched onto an odd one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, “What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?” “It was “Wousy,” said the girl.
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
When Ralph first noticed his penis was growing longer and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. After several weeks his penis had grown to twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned as he was having problems dressing and even walking. So, he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph’s condition could be fixed with corrective surgery. “How long will Ralph be on crutches?” the wife asked anxiously. “Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” responded the doctor. “Well,” said Ralph’s wife coldly, “you are going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”
Q. What’s the difference between a lesbian and a Fritz cracker?
A. One’s a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!
I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY . . .
AND MAYBE A LITTLE NAKED AS WELL
I’ve been a baseball lover my whole life. I have a hard time watching baseball games these days because it’s always been more fun to play than to watch. Thank God for highlights provided on the Internet which makes watching much more pleasant. I was born in the Pittsburgh area and was required to be a rabid Pirates fan by my father and grandfathers. Unfortunately, the team has been a serious disappointment for the last twenty or so years. I still follow the team but not too closely anymore. Maybe that would change if the management of the team ever decides to pry open their fat wallets and spend a little extra money for next level players.
I’m also big into trivia and as I’m surfing the net or reading books, I constantly look for baseball trivia. Fortunately, or unfortunately some of the greatest stories were from the early years of the game before rule changes that made it impossible for players to show much emotion. The current whinny umpires are a tad too sensitive for my liking and really need their moms to show up and hug them. Those nasty baseball players are just soooooooo mean and they apparently hurt the poor umpires’ feelings. Just step-up guys and grow a pair!!! If it’s too upsetting for you – get the hell out of the business. They are one of the reasons that will eventually cause the league to turn over all umpiring duties to computers.
Here are a few trivia facts for you for a taste of baseball at its best.
- One of the most popular baseball players of the 1880’s was a catcher-outfielder named Michael Joseph “King” Kelly, who played for Cincinnati, Chicago, New York and Boston. Kelly was a good hitter and a great baserunner. When he tried to steal a base his fans would shout, “Slide, Kelly, Slide!” This phrase was soon printed in the newspapers and made Kelly famous. Kelly was also an alert ballplayer who was always looking for a way to get an advantage over the other team. One day, when he was sitting on the bench, an opposing batter hit a high foul ball that none of Kelly’s teammates would be able to catch. Kelly leaped off the bench and went after the ball. At the same time, he was shouting to the umpire, “Kelly now catching!” Kelly caught the ball, but the umpire refused to allow the catch. “It’s not against the rules,” Kelly declared. “It says in the book that substitutions can be made any time.” The umpire still wouldn’t call the batter out. But Kelly was right. That winter, a new rule was written into the book. Because of Kelly’s alert play, the new rule said that a player could not enter the game while the ball is in play.
- On August 13, 1910, the Pittsburgh Pirates played the Brooklyn Dodgers. After nine innings the game was tied, but darkness stopped play. The nine-inning statistics showed that each team had scored 8 runs on 13 hits and committed 2 errors. Both clubs had sent 38 men to the plate, with both sets of fielders credited with 27 put-outs and 12 assists. There were 5 strikeouts recorded against each team, and each side had given up three walks. It was the evenest game ever played.
- One day in a Southern League game a batter for Knoxville smashed a long, high fly to center field. Arnie Moser, the centerfielder for Nashville, ran all the way to the scoreboard. The ball was over Moser’s head, and he leaped for it but missed. The ball hit the scoreboard and came down. Moser also hit the scoreboard but did not come down. His belt had caught on a wooden peg, and he was hanging helplessly on the fence, unable to chase the ball and get it back to the infield. Moser’s teammate left-fielder Oris Hockett came racing over to back-up the play. “I’m stuck! Get me down!” yelled Moser. Hockett looked up at his friend, looked for the ball, and looked at the runner rounding second base. He had to make a choice quickly. “Get me down!” yelled Mosier again. “Wait a minute”! hollered Hockett. He picked up the ball and threw it back to the infield to keep the runner from scoring. Only then did he go back to the fence and help get Arnie Moser off the scoreboard peg.
GIVE ME THOSE GOOD OLD DAYS
(The umpires sucked a little but didn’t whine)
It’s another gray and rainy day here in Maine. We had a bit of sunshine yesterday and I had my first hour of deck time without freezing my ass off. But unfortunately, today things have returned to what is normal for March. I just needed something today to make me smile and these jokes were just what the doctor ordered so I thought I’d share them with you.
😁😁😁
A trucker had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and woman lying naked in the center of the road, making love. He blew his horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way, he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Getting out of the truck, madder than hell, the trucker walked up to the two, still in the road, and yelled, “What the hell’s the matter with you two? Didn’t you hear me blowing my horn? You could’ve been killed!” The man on lying on the highway, obviously satisfied and unconcerned, looked up and said, “Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.”
😹😹😹
Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout “Fuck”?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout “Bingo”.
🤪🤪🤪
The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack. When the squad got there it was too late because the man had died. While consoling the wife, one of the rescuers noticed that their bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack. The lady calmly replied, “Well, we were in bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing around the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going.”
😂😂😂
Q. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A. Put a nipple on it.
😉😉😉
Two guys are camping. They are having a little conversation, when all of a sudden one guy yells, “I just got bitten by a snake on the tip of my penis.” The other guy says, “Don’t worry, I’ll go into town and ask a doctor what to do.” So, the guy goes to the nearest town and after 30 minutes finds a doctor. He asks the doctor, “Doctor, my friend just got bitten by a snake. What should I do?” The doctor says, “All you have to do is suck the poison out.” So, the friend returns to the campsite where his friend is lying on the ground whimpering. He asks, “So what did the doctor say?” The friend says, “I’m sorry but the doctor says you’re going to die!
🙂🙂🙂
Q. What’s the ultimate rejection?
A. When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
*****
HAVE A CHUCKLE OR TWO
In my younger days I considered myself a scratch golfer. I played with many of my friends, family, and people I worked with for years and always had a great time. I thought today I’d lighten things up a little with some golfing jokes. I’m sure all of you golfers out there will appreciate these three jokes but I can honestly say they can’t compare to the experiences I actually had with my friends and family. Enjoy . . .
- One day a man came home from work and was greeted by his wife dressed up in a very sexy nightie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want with me.” So, he tied her up and went golfing.
- So, there are three golfers, (Bob, Max and Ted) who are looking for a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday. “Sure, I’d love to play, says George, but I may be about 10 minutes late, so wait for me.” So, Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9 AM and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he’d like to play again the following Saturday. “Yeah, sounds great”, says George. “But I may be about 10 minutes late, so wait for me.” The following Saturday, again, all four golfers, show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed and beats them all. As they’re getting ready to leave, George says, “See you next Saturday, but I may be about 10 minutes late, so wait for me.” Every week, George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use and every week, he departs with the same message. After a couple of months, Ted is pretty damn tired of this routine, so he says, “Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about 10 minutes late, but you’re right on time. You then beat us either left-handed or right-handed, what’s the story? “Well,” George says, “I’m kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look over at my wife. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and if she’s sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed.” “So, what do you do if she’s sleeping on her back?” “Well . . . That’s one of days I’ll be 10 minutes late.”
- A man constantly and continuously talked only about golf. His angry wife threatened to leave him if he didn’t talk about something else. She: “Let’s talk about sex.” He: “I wonder if Tiger Woods got laid last night?”
FORE!
“Poetry is to prose as dancing is to walking.”
by John Wain
***
As I worked my way slowly through the public school system back in the 1960’s I received little or no information or exposure to poetry. It was mentioned in passing in some classes but there never was any serious time devoted to it. It just seems to me that making some poetry (not just the classics) available to younger students might just motivate them to either read more poetry or to write their own. A gentlemen named Richard Lewis, a lecturer on children’s literature and creative writing, apparently agreed with me. In cooperation with UNESCO, he traveled through eighteen English speaking countries around the world collecting poetry written by children between the ages of five and thirteen. Three thousand poems were collected with the best 200 published in his book, “Miracles” published in 1966. I’ve picked out two samples to give you some idea of just how talented many of the youngsters can be when expressing their thoughts in a poetic fashion.
THUNDER
by Glenys Van Every, Age 9, Australia
I hear
the drummers
strike
the sky.
***
SUMMER
by Margaret Bendig, Age 10, United States
Inviting, rippling waters
Waiting for little toes
Hurry, go get changed!
***
After reading a few pages of these poems I had a minor epiphany. These children were not trained in poetry but as they wrote their poems many of them began to look very much like free-verse haiku’s. Having no set restrictions on the length of lines and syllable counting allows the young poets freedom to truly express themselves.
Of course, being the irreverent SOB that I am I decided to write this haiku of mine and take it down a road not normally traveled. It contains some reference to nature but also just a touch of my humor. It’s a poetic mortal sin to write them this way and I’m sure it will tweak the noses of a few people. It’s always fun at times to make some people a little crazy.
*❤️*
NATURAL
by Me, Age: Old
Out of the corner of my eye
A bird sails quietly by.
A flash of golden sunlight,
And I have bird shit on my thigh.
***
SMILE, I DID INCLUDE SOME NATURE
“The true poet dreams being awake.”
Charles Lamb
I thought I’d start this year with a most interesting writer and poet, Edgar Allen Poe. I was introduced to him in high school way back in the days of covered wagons and wild Indians (that was sarcasm). His poetry was spooky, dark, and mysterious which drew me to it immediately. What 15-year-old kid wouldn’t love that? As with most school systems of the time they offered only a few of his writings for classroom work and discussion. The Raven stands as one of his greatest works and we were required to read and memorize certain passages to get a passing grade and then we moved on to other things. My second Poe favorite was Anabel Lee. A love story for the ages except Anabel doesn’t long survive the experience. The flow of his words in that poem grabbed me immediately and I was able to quote some of its passages for years and occasionally still do.
As I aged and was able to read more about Poe and his strange approach to life, the more attention I began to pay to poetry in general. I still think that actual world class poets are few and far between, but Poe was the real deal. Along with Emily Dickenson they are my two favorites. I especially liked Poe because he wrote what he felt and really did nothing to pander to the masses. In my opinion that’s what gives his works real meaning and weight.
Another of Poe’s works has slowly over the years made its way to the top of my favorites list, even more so than the Raven and Anabel Lee. I stumbled on to it quite by accident years ago and it has become one of those rare things that periodically calls to me to be read again. As with all of Poe’s poetry it’s best read while wrapped in a warm blanket on a dark and stormy night by candlelight.
ALONE
From childhood’s hour I have not been
As others were – I have not seen
As others saw – I could not bring
My passions from a common spring –
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow – I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone –
And all I lov’d – I lov’d alone –
Then – in my childhood – in the dawn
Of a most stormy life – was drawn
From ev’ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still –
From the torrent, or the fountain –
From the red cliff of the mountain –
From the sun that ’round me roll’d
In its autumn tint of gold –
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by –
From the thunder, and the storm –
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.
1829
***
WELCOME TO 2024
“Resolution in a bad cause is called stubbornness; stubbornness in a good cause is called resolution.”
Anonymous
Well, here I quietly sit trying to decompress from another Christmas season. I just completed my two and a half months’ worth of humor primarily to see if the response to the humor posts was as good or equal to my standard blogging techniques. The increase was minor which tells me many things but that will have to wait for another day. Just so you know, it would probably bore you to tears.
My plan going forward for 2024 is to do a few weeks of poetry. Some of you will enjoy that thoroughly and others will say “what the hell are you doing?” I get that poetry is not something everyone likes, and I understand that completely. I’ve tried to read as much poetry as I could over the years and truthfully the great majority of it was disappointing. It’s not that poetry isn’t interesting; it just wasn’t interesting to me. I’ve come to realize that my favorite poems are short, sweet, and something that forces the reader to use their imagination. That eventually led me to haikus. For me to enjoy poetry it has to be less than three stanzas long. Even that’s a little much for me that’s why I find haiku’s so interesting. So, I suppose January is going to consist of short and meaningful poetry taken from many famous poets, some of my own, and some of yours if you choose to offer it up to be posted. I’ll also throw in a host of limericks of all flavors just for fun. I hope you’ll enjoy what I’m trying to do here, maybe you will and maybe you won’t.
But before we start January, I need to deal with some other business relating to 2024. That is my New Year’s resolutions. In the past I’ve usually listed ten and completed at most six or seven. I try to make them humorous because most people don’t take them all that serious anyway. This year I’ll list just five, maybe that will motivate me to complete a higher percentage. Here they are:
READ MORE THAN 100 BOOKS
TRY TO BE A LITTLE FRIENDLIER TOWARDS THE REST OF THE WORLD
KEEP DUNKIN’ EXPENDITURES TO LESS THAN $40.00 A MONTH
COMPLETE EIGHT PAINTINGS OR PRINTS
LEARN AT LEAST FOUR NEW CUSS WORDS FROM MY GRANDSONS
***
“Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.”
Ben Franklin
***
There you have it. Maybe I’ll accomplish them all for a change (chances are slim and none) but I’ll keep trying. It’s always fun to look back at previous years to confirm just how bad you are about being successful.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Quote of the Day
“He repeated to himself an old French proverb that he made up that morning.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald
🤪🤪🤪
Joke of the Day #1
A man and woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and, in a rage, sliced off the man’s penis. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window. Driving behind that couple was a man in his car with his six-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away to her father when all of a sudden, the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck there for a moment, then flew off. Surprised, the daughter asked her father, “Daddy, what the heck was that?” Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, “It…it was only a bug, honey.” The daughter sat with a confused look on her face for a moment and said, “Sure had a big dick, didn’t it?”
☘️☘️☘️
Limerick of the Day
And unfaithful old bounder, called Reg,
Had neglected his marital pledge,
Till his long-suffering wife
Fetched her sharpest kitchen knife
And removed his meat and two veg.
🤡🤡🤡
Joke of the Day #2
An old farmer in Georgia owned a large farm for many years. He had a pond in the back, fixed up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and a basketball court. The pond was properly shaped and constructed for swimming. One day the farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, to look things over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he came closer, he saw was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, “Were not coming out until you leave!” The old man replied with a grin, I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or to make you get out of the pond naked. I’m just here to feed the alligator.”
The Moral: Old age and cunning will always triumph over youth and enthusiasm.
🤗🤗🤗
Wisdom of the Day
The fewer the words the better the prayer.
Quote of the Day
“The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible.”
Oscar Wilde
🤪🤪🤪
Joke of the Day #1
“A teacher asks her class, “If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on Little Johnny to answer. He replies, “There are none left, they all flew away with the first gun shot.” The teacher replies, “The correct answer is actually four, but I like your way of thinking.” Then Little Johnny says, “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down from the top and sucking on the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?” The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.” To which Little Johnny replies, “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your way of thinking.”
☘️☘️☘️
Limerick of the Day
There was a young virgin named Jeanie,
Whose dad was an absolute meanie.
When he finished a hatch,
With a latch, for her snatch –
She could only be had by Houdini.
🤡🤡🤡
Joke of the Day #2
An old man goes to a local wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the original curse on you.” The old man said without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
🤗🤗🤗
Wisdom of the Day
Myths which are believed tend to become true.
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