Archive for the ‘Humor’ Tag
During my wanderings yesterday I stumbled on a new treasure trove of absolutely useless information expanded to include virtually every country on the planet. I felt just like a little kid in a candy store. These factoids and tidbits are much more interesting than some I’ve previously found and I’m happy to be sending them along to you. Where I can I’ll note the source of the material and if you dispute the information call them.
There is no rhyme or reason as to how they are listed so just wade on through and enjoy.
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At birth, most babies cry at C or C Sharp. – Financial Times
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Five people were killed by falling icicles in the central Russian town of Samara between February 23 and 25, 2008. – Reuters
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On a QWERTY keyboard, 32% of keystrokes take place on the middle row, 52% on the upper row, and 16% on the bottom row. – Discover Magazine
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In ninety days a single toad can consume nearly 10,000 insects. – State of the World
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Hitler was on the short list for the 1938 Nobel Peace Prize. – The Guardian
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Two thirds of the world’s people have never seen snow. – Canadian Weather Trivia Calendar
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The average British woman spends two years of her life gazing in the mirror. – The Times
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Every year, an average of twelve Japanese tourists in Paris have to be repatriated due to severe culture shock. – Foreign Policy Passport
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Henry David Thoreau once burned down three hundred acres of forest trying to cook a fish he had caught for supper. – The Times
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On an average day, about 3.3% of the worlds population has sex. Less than 0.4% of these acts result in births. – Financial Times
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Asians make up 35% of the undergraduate body at MIT but only 4% of the US population. – New York Book Review
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There are an estimated 10,000 trillion ants on earth – roughly 1.6 million for each human. Their combined weight is equivalent to that of the entire human population. – MSN
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Spammers typically need to send one million emails to get fifteen positive responses. – The New Yorker
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Jack Bauer, the lead character from the series 24, personally killed 112 people in the first five seasons of the show. – The Guardian
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About 85% of Chinese people share only a hundred surnames. Wang is the most popular (with 93 million people), followed by Li (92 million) and Zhang (88 million). At least 100,000 people are named “Wang Tao,” making it the most popular full name. – China Daily
There you have it. The first installment of International Trivia. It’s nice to see that we Americans are not alone when it comes to weirdness and odd behavior. Carry on.
I realize that a large portion of our society hangs on every word and deed of our ever growing ranks of celebrities. From the beards on Duck Dynasty to the endless supply of idiot groups of wives from what seems like every city in the country. Unless people hear the information directly from a celebrity on Twitter it has no validity. They’re experts on every subject from the environment to politics and need to be constantly in the lime light so none of us can ever forget how smart they think they are.
Bear in mind when you read the following quotes from our wannabe Mensa members of the celebrity corp. They spew such utter nonsense as you’ll soon read, take a sip of water, and then begin to explain the State of the Union, as they see it. This is what happens when semi-smart talented singers with too much time and money on their hands get bored.
The folks I’m listing here are just the tip of the ice berg. They’re all singers who’s second most important priority is to be seen and heard as often as possible in the Media. I actually like some of their music but OMG shut up about everything else.
- Christina Aguilera
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On clothes: “I wouldn’t feel right wearing clothes covering my body.”
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“So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?”
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“I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.”
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After a wardrobe malfunction: “OMG my pussy is hanging out.”
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“I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.”
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“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
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Before entering rehab: “I just want one day off when I can go swimming and eat ice cream and look at rainbows.”
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“I’m not anorexic. I’m from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I’ve never heard of one. And that includes me.”
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On tuna: “Is this chicken or is this fish?”
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Whitney Houston, on crack: “Crack is cheap. I make too much money to ever smoke crack. Let’s get that straight. OK? We don’t do crack. We don’t do that. Crack is whack.”
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Kellie Pickler, on ‘Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader’: “I thought Europe was a country?”
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Ricky Martin: “I love giving the golden shower. I’ve done it before in the shower. It’s, like, so sexy”.
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Lil’ Wayne, on studying: “I learned this from a college graduate. She’d smoke a joint the night before a test, while she was studying, and then again in the morning and everything she had read would come right back. I tried this shit five times and I swear to God, I’ve never made less than a 92.”
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Ozzy Osbourne, on subtitles: “I think MTV should consider using subtitles. Half the time, even I can’t understand what the fuck I’m talking about.”
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Melissa Etheridge, after winning an Oscar: “This is the only naked man that will ever be in my bedroom.”
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Kanye West, on his legacy: “I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade. I will be the loudest voice.”
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Axl Rose: "It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.”
Keep all of this in mind as these celebrities and hundreds of others stare back at you from your TV set and tell you how to eat, drink, live, love, exercise, who to vote for, and what rehab facility is the best. Take their rehab advice but go on about your life making your own decisions.
I thought a little humor might be nice with Hump Day approaching. I just heard on the news that yesterday Amazon purchased the Washington Post newspaper for two hundred million dollars. I thought Amazon as a company was a lot smarter than that. Newspapers are failing all over the country with their readership moving steadily to on-line sources but maybe they know something I don’t (which is likely) and I wish them a lot of luck.
That newspaper story got me thinking about how inept many newspapers have become since their hay-day. Stories faked, pictures Photo Shopped, and numerous grammatical and spelling errors becoming a regular feature. With that in mind here are a few headlines from actual newspapers that couldn’t be more ridiculous or funny. I hope none of the newspaper associates responsible for these headlines end up working for Amazon.
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Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
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Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
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NJ judge to Rule on Nude Beach
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Smokers are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency
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Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
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Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One
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William Kelly was Fed Secretary
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Farmer Bill Dies in House
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Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
How ‘s that for ten samples of really terrible professional editing. I can’t believe these headlines actually made the published newspapers but they did. Here are a few more:
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Miners Refuse to Work After Death
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War Dims Hope for Peace
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Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn’t Seen in Years
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Man is Fatally Slain
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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
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Eye Drops Off Shelf
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Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
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Child’s Stool Great for Use in Garden
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Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
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Panda Mating Fails – Veterinarian Takes Over
The hits just keep on coming and there seems to be an almost endless supply of these carelessly thought out headlines. All of the available journalism training these days seems to be more concerned with creating another Watergate than spelling properly or just making good old common sense.
- Autos Killing 110 a Day, Let’s Resolve to Do Better
- Stiff Opposition Expected to Graveyard Plan
- Lack Of Brains Hinders Research
- Policeman Help Dog Bite Victim
- Man Denies He Committed Suicide
- Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
- Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning
- Prisoners Escape After Execution
- No Cause Of Death Determined For Beheading Victim
- Jury Suspects Foul Play In Death Of Man Shot, Burned & Buried In Shallow Grave
I can’t continue with this any longer. The more I read the crazier it makes me. If I had submitted things like this to my high school English teacher, Ms. Walters, she would have rolled it up and smacked me across the head with it. Maybe that’s the kind of thing missing from our current journalism schools.
Welcome back to the next installment of E.U.T. (Every Useless Thing) University’s on-line education program. It’s the best known reservoir for totally useless knowledge and through our detailed courses of study we will explain many of those things that have puzzled mankind for centuries. Here are lesson plans #5 and #6. These topics are not common knowledge but we at E.U.T.U have searched for and found the truth just for you.
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Lesson #5 – How Did the “Missionary Position” Get It’s Name?
The missionary position is a position for sexual intercourse in which the man and woman lie facing each other, with the man on top of the woman. It is probably the best-known sexual position has been adopted by people for centuries.
The name of the position is widely thought to be derived from the early European missionaries, who discovered that native people in the New World were employing other unorthodox positions, such as the man penetrating the woman from behind. The missionaries taught the natives that couples facing each other was the only position that was acceptable to God (because it was more intimate, enabling both partners to see and kiss each other) and that any other position was considered unnatural. It is generally thought that these teachings were carried out by St. Paul who believed that the woman should be underneath the man during intercourse, while St. Augustine also taught that any other position was a sin against nature.
The term was first recorded in its popular definition in the 1960’s.
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Isn’t it amazing that so many of our current issues concerning sex and procreation were caused by a handful of prudish and allegedly holy men who passed it down to the “free love generation”. That irony at it’s very best.
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Lesson #6 – What is the G Spot and Where is It?
The G spot is a small area in a woman’s vagina that, when stimulated, is said to give her intense orgasms. It’s named after its discoverer Ernest Grafenberg, a German physician who conducted research on that area of the vagina in the 1950’s. In recent years.
The G spot is said to be located on the upper front vaginal wall, close to where the urethra joins the bladder. While its exact position can vary, it is commonly situated 2 to 3 inches inside the vagina, directly behind the pubic bone. It is the size of a small coin and has a spongy texture, distinguishing it from the otherwise smooth vaginal wall. Many women have difficulty in finding it, and some cannot find it at all.
The G spot is usually very sensitive and is capable of hardening and swelling. When pressure is applied to it, it can stimulate the need to urinate, and it might be the organ responsible for female ejaculation. One theory for the existence of this phenomenon is that during childbirth the head of the child pushes on the G spot, triggering the ejaculation, which lubricates the birth canal and helps with the final phase of birth.
Many people still maintain that the G spot doesn’t exist, or that it doesn’t contribute to orgasms in women. Others, meanwhile, claimed that it is part of the clitoris, the nerves of which penetrate deep below the surface.
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For all you men out there you can no longer deny the G spot’s existence or that you can’t to find it. The teachers from E.U.T.U. have spent countless hours and endless searching to find that magical spot, to map its location, and to supply that information to you. So guys, get off your ass and get out there and find that most important of female erogenous zones and don’t stop until you’ve been successful or you die trying.
These lessons will continue into many interesting areas that we at E.U.T.U. have been diligently researching. They will be published as soon as possible after being received in order to keep you up to speed. Your very welcome!
CLASS DISMISSED
Tomorrow is August fifth and a truly important day for both National and International observances. Being a Leo myself I sometimes feel that the Month of August gets way more of the crappy observances compared to some other months. I wish I could remedy that but some things are beyond my power to fix.
There are three observances for tomorrow that need to be highlighted. The first is International Beer Day. My better-half celebrates this day like it’s Christmas in August. I’ll be waist deep in empties in no time at all. The second observance is National Oyster Day. I’ve been a big fan of eating oysters for many years and I must tell that that I’ve even spit my share of oysters out car windows as a kid. If you don’t understand that last statement there’s no hope for you at all. The third observance is National Underwear Day. I’m more a fan of a No Underwear Day but that’s just me. In my humble opinion this observance applies more to women than men because Victoria Secret has made it permissible to ogle and gawk at women in underwear. By the way, thank you Victoria.
In order to celebrate these three observances properly I’ll start tomorrow off with a cold beer as soon as I wake up and roll out of bed. I’ve never tried Cheerios with beer but I might give it a whirl. I hate the taste of beer and hopefully the cereal would help it along. I’ll then shower, dry, and moisten my beautiful body and attack the day wearing my finest pair of Incredible Hulk underwear. They’ll be a little tight but that lovely green color males my blue eyes look a little greener. I’ll take my better-half to lunch at Ken’s Seaford where can slurp down a dozen oysters at the raw bar. After that we can cruise through the coastal communities and every so often open the window and deposit an oyster or two along the berm. If you don’t understand that last statement then there’s no hope for you.
We have hundreds, possibly thousands of these observances thanks in part to our fine collection of legislators. It’s a our duty as American citizens to proudly support and celebrate these observances in a proper fashion. Where is your national pride and patriotic zeal when we need it.
GO, CELEBRATE, ENJOY !
When’s the last time you found it necessary to visit your local ER (Emergency Room)? Due to my law enforcement background I’ve found it necessary to visit them many times. On it’s best day it’s a terrible place. The people that work there are amazing but that constant stream of injured and dying humanity weighs heavily on a person. In my experience hospital workers are much like cops who develop a bizarre sense of humor necessitated by the constant shadow of death and injuries they must deal with.
What I have for you today is a list of actual quotations received in ER’s across this country. I’ve tried to collect the humorous or silly but that isn’t really the point of this posting.
I’ve been bitching and complaining about Obamascare for many months as are many others. Our own government has done it’s studies and has already determined that healthcare costs will soon be skyrocketing. Read the following information not as medical humor but the reason for much of that anticipated cost increase. Our ER’s are overrun with nonsensical requests from a wide variety of people. We have the homeless, the illegals, and members of many state Medicaid organizations. You come in with a simple rash on your ass and by the time you leave the ER they’ve run a few thousand dollars worth of unnecessary tests which are then charged back to state or federal government agencies. In my opinion it’s just a simple way for hospitals to attempt to recoup some of their ER expenses.
Think back to the days of old when hospital Emergency Rooms were actually for emergencies. Today’s ER’s more closely resemble flophouses, child care facilities or places to lounge around. Welcome to our new reality.
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“I ran out of liquor so I decided to detox.”
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”I smoked some bad crack and now I feel dizzy.”
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”I stepped on a Nazi landmine and felt all the bones in my legs sucked out.”
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”My arm tingles on Wednesdays.”
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”I’ve had back pain for seven years.”
- " My pussy is sad."
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”See any bugs in my hair, I asked someone who wasn’t high to look and he saw them too.”
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”My dog ate my toe.”
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”I have gentile warts.”
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“I got a Cadillac in my eye.”
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”I drank a bunch of yellow Listerine and feel sick. I was careful not to drink the green kind ’cause that can make you toxic.”
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"My sweat stinks."
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"My chest hurt the other day so I took some crack to make it feel better. I didn’t think it worked"
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"My clit is swollen."
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”I have friction burns on my penis.”
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"I have bumps on my butt part and pee hole."
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"I got a thang on my hang-low"
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"I have a rash that isn’t here right now, but sometimes it shows up in the evening, I went to the dermatologist but it disappeared again when we got there."
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”My left ear tingles on Tuesdays.”
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"The tip of my tongue has been burning for three years."
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"I have little bumps on my clit."
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"I have little bugs in my vagina."
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"I need a rectal."
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"One of my labia is bigger than the other"
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"My kitty got the stank."
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“My baby done drank a strawberry douche."
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"I’ve got a pager up my ass."
There’s a quick look at our future. How this healthcare fiasco was ever passed through Congress is the question we should be asking. Get out your wallets folks and prepare to pay through the nose for the rest of your life.
Have a wonderful day.
Today turned into a real adventure quite by accident. The sun was shining and I had no plans of any kind for a change. My only chore was to deliver my better-half to work and to pick her up later in the afternoon. I suppose I could have just worked around the house or even cut the grass but I wanted something a little more interesting.
I purchased a new Nikon SLR two weeks ago and I really needed to spend a little time learning how to use it. I packed up my camera and the rest of my equipment and made my way to the marshland located along the coast. I arrived there in short order and made my preparations to enter the swamp. I was there primarily to photograph dragonflies but I had a small problem. If I doused myself in Off then the dragonflies were sure not to come near me but if I didn’t use the Off I was sure to be eaten alive by thousands of mosquitos. I used a moderate amount of the spray, picked up my camera and monopod and trekked into the swamps.
Photographing insects requires the use of a macro lens that then requires the use of a monopod to steady the camera to get that perfectly clear shot. I have to say it sounds much easier than it actually is. I sat crouched in that damn swamp for two hours because I’ve been told that patience is always necessary for any photographer. It was close to eighty-five degrees with no breeze of any kind. I began to sweat like I’d just run the Boston marathon. Unfortunately bugs just love sweaty humans to buzz around and bother and then to sting when they’re swatted away. It became quite difficult to sit quietly while surrounded by a few hundred of my newest friends. Photography Tip #1: Use as much bug spray as you can. Take a damn bath in it if you must.
I managed between bites to take a number of shots but even the dragonflies were being difficult. Due to my constant swatting of bugs I was apparently scaring them off as well. Everything was just freaking perfect. Oh yeah, did I mention there are also snakes in that swamp. As I squatted there I must have seen six or seven slithering in the waters around me. Photography Tip #2: Never wear sneakers when working in a swamp, it bothers the snakes.
I lasted as long as I could and actually was able to take a few dozen pictures and a few of them appear to be pretty good. I’m really happy with the new camera and I’m sure we’ll have a long and happy relationship together. It felt good to get out in the wild for a bit but it will probably take a few days for all of these bug bites to heal. I can’t wait to get these photo’s onto my computer later so I can really see if there as good as I think they are.
All in all it was a fun day and I look forward to many more just like it before the snow flies. The downside to any really good day is returning to reality which always kind of sucks. I’ll pick up my better-half in a few minutes and then head home for dinner and a quiet night.
Since this week has been so traumatic and disturbing I’ve decided to lay some more really useless information on you. I’m just not up to writing anything too serious today because I’m still a little unfocused with everything that’s been going on. These facts are somewhat odd but still interesting and I hope you enjoy them.
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Cats urine glows under a black light.
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Blueberry jelly beans were especially made for Ronald Reagan.
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In every episode of Seinfeld there’s a superman somewhere.
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Checkmate comes from the Persian phrase "shah mat" which means the king is dead.
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Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds while dogs have only ten.
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91% of Americans lie daily.
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When you sneeze water can come out of your mouth at speeds of 60mph.
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Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
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On a Canadian 2 dollar bill the flag flying over the parliament building appears to be an American flag. It’s actually Canada’s earlier flag of the Red Ensign.
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Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
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There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
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Almonds are a member of the peach family.
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A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
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Sloths are actually fast, they just prefer to move at a slow pace.
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There are only two families who produced a father and son who were US presidents: Bush and Adams.
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A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
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Humans and horses are the only two animals that have hymens.
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Polish is the only word in the English language that has two completely different meanings when the first letter is capitalized.
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The longest word in the English language is Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
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Margaret Kerry was the live action model for Walt Disney’s Tinkerbell.
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The average human lies at least twice a day.
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Before Late Night Television, Jay Leno appeared in an episode of Laverne and Shirley.
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In "American Graffiti", the license plate on Richard Dreyfusses’ car is changed every time you see it.
That should just about do it for today. I’m on my way to begin the search for another vehicle for the better-half. She’s still in morning for the loss of her little yellow car and the only way to help her along is to find another car as soon as possible. I’m actually surprised she didn’t want to bring the remains home so we could bury it in the yard next to our previous pets. She gets attached to the weirdest crap. It can be amazing, unbelievable, and disturbing all at the same time.
Here’s my second installment of Beer Trivia that I faithfully promised my better-half I would post in order to get my butt out of the dog house. I’m hoping this will be sufficient to put me back into her good graces. I know, I’m so whipped I can hardly stand it. I feel my manhood slowly slipping away until nothing will be left but a screaming little girl with five o’clock shadow.
I hope all of you beer lovers out there find these tidbits interesting. I may never understand it because I’m really not a beer lover. I’m not even a beer liker. Here, goes.
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In the past English pub crawlers had a whistle baked into the rim of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
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In the Czech Republic, beer is cheaper than Coke. A half liter at a local pub costs just 30 cents while a half liter of Coke costs 85 cents. Beer is a little more expensive than club soda (which costs 29 cents, for a half liter).
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A labeorphilist is a collector of beer bottles.
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A tegestologist is a collector of beer mats.
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A flood of beer swept through the streets of St. Giles, England, on 17 October 1814. Caused by a rupture in a brewery tank containing 3500 barrels of beer, the tidal wave killed nine people and demolished two houses.
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The first six-pack of beer was produced by the Pabst Brewery in the 1940s. The brewery conducted numerous studies, which found six cans were the ideal weight for the average housewife to carry home from the store.
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In eleventh-century England, a bride would distribute ale to her wedding guests in exchange for donations to the newlyweds. This brew, known as Bride Ale, is the origin of the word ‘bridal’.
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One method of checking a beer’s quality is the way in which the foam adheres to the side of the glass after each sip. Beer connoisseurs call this “Brussels lace.”
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1888: Citizens of Munich took to the streets and rioted after a beer price increase was announced.
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Czechs drink the most beer in the world per capita – an average of 160 liters a year per person.
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In old England, inns paid a government tax known as a ‘scot’ for serving beer. Beer lovers who left town to drink at rural pubs were said to be drinking ‘scot free’.
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Beer recipes have been found on Babylonian clay tablets from over 6000 years ago.
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Guinness sells an average of 7 million glasses a day worldwide.
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The British Army supplied its men with a cash allowance for beer, considered a vital nutritional staple on long overseas missions. With this allowance of one penny, soldiers enjoyed six pints of ale every day.
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In ancient Egypt, two containers of beer were the minimum wage for a day’s labour.
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A barrel contains 31 gallons of beer. What Americans commonly refer to as a keg is actually 15.5 gallons, or a half-barrel.
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A 12 oz. of a typical American pale lager actually has fewer calories than 2 percent milk or apple juice.
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The world’s strongest beer is ‘Samuel Adams’ Triple Bock, which has reached 17% alcohol by volume. To obtain this level, however, they had to use a champagne yeast.
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The ’33’ on a bottle of Rolling Rock was originally a printer’s error. It refers to the 33 words in the original slogan. It has generated enough mystery over the years that the company left it in the label.
That finishes my penance for writing a lengthy posting on female breasts. I’m not saying this kind of circumstance won’t happen again but I promise to do do my best to behave. I haven’t had much success with that since about the age of three but I’ll continue to try.
I hesitate to write about today’s subject because I know many of my female readers will take me to task. As Groucho Marx used to say on You Bet Your Life, "Today’s topic is foreplay. Say the secret word and win a hundred dollars".
The term foreplay gets tossed around all to often when men have their discussions about being successful lovers. It comes across as more of a joke topic than anything they should take too seriously. Most women are out-spoken in their demands that men become more accomplished in this most important area. I can’t argue that fact because over the years I’ve found it to be true.
I think many men are good at foreplay but even they are accused at times of being unskilled. It’s become an easy way for women to keep a man on the defensive and to force him into working even harder than usual. It’s those passive-aggressive remarks like “Oh, that was nice but my old boyfriend wasn’t good at that either”, that can really kill the mood. I’m not being too critical of them because it’s just human nature to try and reap the most benefits from every situation. I’ve known a few women who considered successful foreplay by a man to be when he removed his pants. As with all human beings, everyone is different in their approach to just about anything.
I once had a fairly successful interlude with a young woman who told me up front there would be no actual intercourse. She was of the Bill Clinton school of sexual definition in that oral sex was not really sex. We never had actual intercourse but OMG it really didn’t matter, that girl had some serious skills. It was one of the few times in my life where I was totally satisfied with a developing relationship and was really disappointed when her flight was called and she flew away. I guess that’s why to this day I love airports and flight attendants but hate flying. Ahhhh good memories.
I was watching a TV show a while back and heard the term "King of Foreplay" used during a conversation about relationships. I’m certainly not claiming that title but I’ve studied as hard as I could over the years and I’m close to reaching that goal. If I could live at least seventy-five more years I might just make it. There are no hard and fast rules on foreplay because what works for one women doesn’t work for the next. It can be very difficult and time consuming for the inexperienced man to figure these things out.
After cruising around the net I found this list of foreplay tips on how to be a better lover. I’ll make a short comment on each since I’ve probably tried them all at one time or another. As with everything, some worked and some didn’t. See what you think. For you inexperienced young guys out there pay attention and learn from your elders.
Masturbate for your partner – Didn’t Work
Masturbate each other – Worked
Masturbate your partner – Worked
Suck nipples – Worked
Role-Play – Didn’t Work
Whole body massage – Worked
Give a lap dance or strip tease – Never as Foreplay
Shower together – Never as Foreplay
Tie one of you up – Really Worked
Oral Sex – Really Worked
Tickle – Never Tried
Nibble earlobes – Worked
Spank playfully – Really Worked
Talk dirty to each other – Worked
Blindfold one of you – Really Worked
Used sex toys – Really Worked
Shave each other’s private areas – Worked
Suck fingertips – Worked
Watch a porno – Never as Foreplay
Play an Adult Sex Game – Never Tried
Drip hot wax on your lover – Really worked
Body paint each other – Never as Foreplay
Hopefully the woman your trying to seduce doesn’t require any more than two or three of them. My advice is to become proficient in them all and begin your life-long search for that "King of Foreplay" title.
We all know who Dr. Ruth is I think. She’s the four and a half foot tall sex expert who has the answers to every sex question. Here are a few tips from her for those men who are having difficulties.
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Check it out. If anything "down there" hurts or isn’t working the way you think it should, don’t wonder about it — see a doctor. For him, difficulty maintaining an erection and, for her, pain during intercourse always requires a medical evaluation.
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Don’t zone out. Many couples are embarrassed to ask their partner to stimulate erogenous zones that are very pleasurable but can be considered taboo. The nipples, the anus, the back of the neck — all have nerve endings. So don’t be shy. The only shame when it comes to foreplay is a missed opportunity for pleasure.
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Stay the course. There is a moment before orgasm when many women give up, thinking nothing will happen. It’s a self-sabotaging mistake. Stay with the stimulation and the orgasm will come.
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There is not an exact science to foreplay. You and your partner(s) should understand what you need and want from each other. While we speak about foreplay techniques we must regard before anything else that every human being is distinctive and diverse from each person else and the above-mentioned foreplay techniques have a different impact from one person to another. Accustom yourself to the occasion.
Isn’t Dr. Ruth just terrific. I’ve always wondered if growing up at “zipper height” caused her to pursue sex as her life’s work. Just a thought.
Research indicates more than 85% of ladies reached more intense orgasms when their partners spent more than 10 minutes on foreplay. So boys, increase your number of foreplay techniques and become more sexually adventurous. It’s worth every second for you to bone up (pun intended) on your skills. They’ll serve you well for many decades to come (again pun intended).
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