Archive for October 2013

10-10-2013   Leave a comment

I’ve always been intrigued by strange and unusual facts, synchronicity, and coincidences.  Common sense tells me that they’re just random happenstances that mean nothing and have not been caused by anything paranormal or magical.  If you research as many of them as I have it can easily seem that something unearthly is causing the occurrences.

I’ve collected reference material from wherever I could find it and I’m still occasionally stunned  and amazed by what I’ve found.  Let me pass on to you a few facts that are true and bizarre.  Feel free to make your own decision as to what causes things like this to happen.  I certainly have no answers. Maybe it’s just luck, if you believe in that.

* * *

Angel Santana, of New York City, escaped unharmed when a robber’s bullet bounced off his pants zipper.

In 1942, Lieut. I. M. Chisov, a Russian pilot, fell 21,980 feet from his fighter plane and survived (his chute failed to open).

Sgt. Joseph Charles was in a fox hole in New Guinea during World War II when the mail boys called him to come out for a letter from home. He crawled out approximately 10 feet when a Japanese plane flew over and dropped a bomb that completely destroyed the foxhole he’d just left.

Lieut. Cmdr. Robert W. Goehring was swept off the Coast Guard cutter U.S.S. Duane by a gigantic wave during a storm. The ship then turned around to rescue him, when suddenly another huge wave tossed him back on board to safety.

An ambulance in Nykroppa, Sweden, sent to pick up Lars Elam, a patient with a high fever, returned to the hospital with the patient driving it and the regular driver lying dead in the back from a heart attack.

Actor Sean Connery, who played the film character James Bond was once stopped for a traffic offense by a policeman named Sgt. James Bond.

Two automobiles that collided in Ajax, Ontario, on a slippery winter day were owned by motorists named Snow and Blizzard.

A bottle of prescription pills was swept out of the bedroom of Mrs. Lena McCovey when a flood destroyed her home on the Klamath River. It was found 200 miles away at Coos Bay, Oregon, by Mrs. McCovey’s sister.

Abraham Lincoln was the second member of his family to die by an assassin’s bullet. The other was his grandfather. Both victims were named Abraham, both had wives named Mary, and both had a son named Thomas. The name Abraham has never again been given to any member of the family.

In Bermuda, brothers Erskin L. Ebbin and Neville Ebbin both died one year apart after being struck by the same taxi, driven by the same driver, and carrying the same passenger.

* * *

What do you think now?  As I read through these kinds of facts there are just times when I can’t wrap my head around what I’m reading. Does it mean I believe there’s more at work here than meets the eye? There are times when I do think that but then the cynic and pragmatic part of me began screaming,  “Are you effing crazy?”.  Maybe I am.

Posted October 11, 2013 by Every Useless Thing in Humor, Looking Back, Trivia, Useless Crap

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10-09-2013   Leave a comment

Is there something truly wrong with a person who insists on punishing himself over and over again with no appreciable result to show for his efforts?  I know the answer but I just can’t seem to stop myself.  If anyone you know ever suggests that you buy and  use a treadmill, just kick their ass immediately.  Don’t wait, don’t hesitate, just do it. You won’t be sorry.  It’s just an underhanded karmic plot to make you pay for some past indiscretions in this life or another.

In the past six weeks in an attempt to lose 30 pounds of ugly fat I’ve been coerced into torturing myself by those I love and who I thought loved me on a machine just one step down from waterboarding.  At first I got with the program after suffering some pulled muscles and the constant reminder that I was in the worst shape of my life.  It was a humbling experience to say the least but I persevered through all of the pain and humiliation.  The weight began falling away as my poor taste buds began to dry up and disappear.

I’ve always loved a good salad but those days are over.  It’s true what I’ve always heard. Vegans or people that eat excessive amounts of vegetables and greens smell funny.  It’s amazing just how bad that vegetable smell is when converted into methane gas.  It’s appalling, embarrassing, and disgusting all at the same time.  God help the poor schmuck who wanders into the room where my treadmill is kept when I’m attempting to walk myself to death. 

I recall a chubby old red-neck named Larry the Cable Guy who talks about his grandmother who occasionally gets a case of the walking farts while shopping. I always thought that was a funny bit until the truth ran up and smacked me in the nose.  I don’t just get the walking farts, I also get the breathing farts.  The treadmill has slowly become a disgusting and never-ending fart inducer with no end in sight. 

It’s painful at times not just for me but for others.  My cat has abandoned me.  The room where the treadmill is set up was once HIS room.  He’d relax there, play with his toys, and generally kick back for a few hours every day.  It’s been more than three weeks since we’ve been in that room at the same time.  I walk in to begin my treadmill session and he’s gone in a heartbeat.  He refuses to return until I’m finished and the air has cleared.  I find him avoiding me in other areas of the house as well just to be on the safe side.

I’ve walked more than fifty-five miles on that effing treadmill and produced enough methane to shame a large herd of cattle.  If this continues I may become an actual environmental disaster area.  The EPA could show up at anytime with their trucks, white sealed suits, and handcuffs to take me away. I really need to be placed in isolation where I can’t harm anyone but myself.  It’s a sad day for my family because they are now forced to live with the shame of it all.

Oh, the sacrifices we’re forced to make for good health.

Posted October 10, 2013 by Every Useless Thing in Bitch & Complain, Cooking, Humor, Kill Me, I'm Begging You, Sarcasm

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10-08-2013   Leave a comment

I have to admit to being just like every other man when when it comes to sex.  We approach sex quite differently than our female counterparts and for that I’m grateful.  It’s that difference that makes the sparks fly and the interesting things begin to happen.  Unfortunately it’s also that difference that causes most of the problems in relationships and most of the divorces as well.

We enjoy talking about sex almost as much as we enjoy doing it.  Man to man, women to woman, but almost no-one ever crosses that gender barrier.  For the men they can exaggerate, lie, and say whatever they want to their buddies who have no way of verifying any of it.  Between women it appears to be somewhat different with more feelings, emotions, and over-thinking that most men aren’t prepared to deal with.  I personally think that women BS each other just as much as the men but tend to believe each other more.  Men know they’re being lied too and expect that.  It’s a basic part of male bonding.  Women seem to trust each other completely when it comes to comparing men. Why?  I have no clue.  If you want that answer ask a women.

I love hearing people talk about sex and that includes celebrities and other members of the elite class who think they’re so much smarted than the rest of us. I specifically searched for quotations on sex that were humorous and ridiculous. If I suddenly have someone telling me the truth about sex I wouldn’t know the difference anyway.  Here they are, have a laugh or two.

  • "My girlfriend always laughs during sex –no matter what she’s reading."
    Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
  • "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
    Tom Clancy
  • "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
    Steve Martin
  • "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand."
    Woody Allen
  • "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
    Rodney Dangerfield
  • "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
    George Burns
  • "There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked."
    Jerry Seinfeld
  • "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet."
    Robin Williams
  • "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
    Billy Crystal
  • "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
    Robert De Niro
  • "An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex."
    Aldous Huxley
  • "When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows."
    Frederike Ryder

Now you know everything you need to know about sex straight from the mouths of these Hollywood experts.  I’m glad they weren’t around during my formative years or I would have been more confused about sex than I actually was.  As you can also see there are no quotations from women listed here. Sorry ladies but I couldn’t find any that added much to the conversation.  If you find any please forward them along, I’m really and truthfully interested.

Posted October 9, 2013 by Every Useless Thing in Humor, Quotations, Sex

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10-07-2013   Leave a comment

I’m not much of a sports fan and watching sports on TV has no attraction to me whatsoever.  I’ve always had better ways of spending my time than watching almost anything sport related except for possibly one thing.  I will occasionally  watch professional golf. Over the years I played a lot of golf with my father. He introduced me to it at age 13 and I played regularly for more than twenty five years with him, his coworkers, and my friends.

This week was the Presidents Cup Tournament and I didn’t watch the entire match but did waste away a few hours vegging in front of the TV.  It took me back to the days when my Dad was still able to play and the fun we had competing against each other.  It was a nice trip down memory lane for me.   As I was watching I began to remember caddying for him in a number of golf tournaments sponsored by his employer and the many pranks I pulled on him while doing so.  With that in mind I did a little searching and found the following stupid caddy remarks which will make any golfer smile.

* * *

#10

Golfer:    "I think I’m going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy:    "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#09

Golfer:    "I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy:   "Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth."

#08

Golfer:    "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy:    "Yes     . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

#07

Golfer:   "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy:   "Eventually."

#06

Golfer:    "You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy:    "I don’t think so . . . .That would be too much of a coincidence." 

#05

Golfer:    "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction."

Caddy:    "It’s not a watch – it’s a compass."

#04

Golfer:    "How do you like my game?"

Caddy:   "It’s very good – but personally, I prefer golf.

#03

Golfer:    "Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?

Caddy:   "The way you play, it’s a sin on any day."

#02

Golfer:    "This is the worst course I’ve ever played on."

Caddy:    "This isn’t the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago."

AND FINALLY #01

Golfer:    "That can’t be my ball, it’s too old."

Caddy:   "It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir."

* * *

Most people think golf is such a very serious pass-time but that couldn’t be further from the truth.  With my Dad and other co-workers it was hilarious at times. I’ll offer this one story and then call this posting finished.

My father was a big, strong, and determined individual.  He was known for his long and accurate drives and could get frustrated  when he was having a bad day.  On one particular occasion he walked to the tee on one of his favorite holes, teed up, and hit the ball so far in the woods it couldn’t be found.  Up until that time it had been a close round but with that shot he lost the match. He proceeded to take his driver, twirled it around his head, and threw it as far as he could into the trees. He then walked off cursing and swearing and never looked back. 

For months afterward as we all played golf on that same course we laughed our asses off every time we came to that hole because his bent and twisted driver could be seen in the top of a nearby tree.  It was just so damn funny. The best part of the prank occurred more than a year later at his retirement dinner when his buddies climbed up that tree, retrieved the club, had it bronzed and mounted on a plaque, and gave it back to him as his retirement gift.

How can you not like golf with good friends like that.

Posted October 8, 2013 by Every Useless Thing in Humor, Sports

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10-06-2013   2 comments

How often do you stop and think about when you were a kid?  Does it make you sometimes wish you could be that kid again? Good questions and I’m sure I know the answers.  Of course we’ve all  taken that trip back to a simpler way of life where there was little or no stress and no overwhelming problems.  Our biggest worries then were who to play with and for how long.

Art Linkletter made a fortune with “Kids Say the Darndest Things” because kids really do say the darndest things.  They blurt out the truth without thinking about consequences or hurt feelings.  Sometimes they’re blunt, sometimes cute,  and always funny.  I’ve collected the following blurbs during my travels on the Net to help make my point even more interesting.

* * *

  • While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that’s right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?
  • A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I’m just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can’t read, I can’t write – and they won’t let me talk!"
  • It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What’d he do?"
  • While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
  • While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. .and unto the Soonnn. …..and into the hole he gooooes."

* * *

I can’t get enough of these types of stories.  There’s  nothing better for me than to have the time to sit with a youngster and just have a normal conversation about anything.  The way their mind works and how they express their ideas and observations is the absolute best. 

We are a week or two away from celebrating our grandson’s first birthday and this week he began walking for the first time.  I’m glad about that but he won’t be a real person to me until I can hear him speak his mind.  He’ll probably be speaking within a few months and I can’t wait to hear what he has to say.  As I watch him now as he observes the world around him, I can almost see him thinking.  After more than a year of observing all of us he’s sure to have plenty of questions and opinions.  I  can’t wait to hear them.

Posted October 7, 2013 by Every Useless Thing in Education, Humor, Just Saying, Looking Back

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10-05-2013   Leave a comment

For me this is a slow day.  I’m writing on Sunday for Saturday but it still feels like a Sunday.  It’s supposed to be a day of rest but that hardly ever happens.  Today is a day of miscellaneous stuff and I’ll start off with the answers from yesterdays Food/Cooking Trivia Challenge.  When I took the challenge I scored a measly four out of ten which wasn’t all that great but not altogether terrible.  Let’s see how you did:

1.  New Orleans

2.  Miss Piggy

3.  Shredded Wheat in 1882

4.  10 pounds. It takes about 75,000 flowers to produce a pound of saffron which is why it’s the most expensive spice the world.

5.  97%

6.  The banana, apple, watermelon, orange and cantaloupe in order of their greatest consumption, according to the Food and Drug Administration.

7.  The Frito Bandito commercial for Frito corn chips. The complaints came from Mexican-Americans.

8.  Peanut butter. Five years later, Dr. John Harvey Kellogg filed for a patent on the process that was not very popular with patients at his Battle Creek, Michigan sanitarium.

9.  Refrigerators

10. The fork.

* * *

Now for a hypothetical job interview probably most appreciated by any of our Seniors who just happened to stumble upon this blog.

Job Interview

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man : "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don’t think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man : "I don’t really give a shit what you think."

* * *

Was  I wrong Seniors?  That’s pretty much my mind set on any given day. Speak the truth as you see it and to hell with the consequences.  I wish I could have been this honest during my days of working for some of the twerps I had for bosses.  Oh well, I can dream can’t I?

Next I’ll pass along this paragraph sent to me by a friend from way out in flyover country.  He thought it was humorous and so did I.

* * *

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London , England , and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.  But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.  And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.

* * *

One little dirty limerick to perk up your day:

There once was a young girl from Rabat,

who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat;

It was fun in the breeding,

But hell in the feeding,

When she found she had no tit for Tat.

* * *

And last but not least a quick “Thank You” to this group of new followers to this blog.  Welcome aboard!  Please give their blogs a visit and enjoy them as much as I do.

Raluca Stoica, masondan, Opinionated Man, juliemontagu, penueaj, polishgirl21, marissax3x3, Jordan Policicchio, doctorbipolar, theoddspotblog,
ahines3, Charlotte Hoather, Kristin Maack, Susan, and Super Nate.

Posted October 6, 2013 by Every Useless Thing in Humor, Just Saying, Trivia, Useless Crap

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10-04-2013   Leave a comment

I’m a huge fan of both the Cooking and Food channels. Being a huge fan of food makes it almost a requirement. Without a large assortment of food the human race would cease to exist in short order (no pun intended). 

I’ve been a cook for most of my life and to this day maintain a large handwritten recipe book with family recipes and many of my own that I use on a regular basis. Nothing fascinates me more than finding a new dish that I’ve never experienced and attempting to remake it “my way” and then share it with friends.

Needless to say everyone who enjoys cooking thinks their family recipes are the best and that their mothers and grandmothers are the final word on anything food related. I fall into that category myself not so much with my mother’s cooking which was only so-so but with my grandmothers which was sooooo good.

I thought today I’d present you with a short trivia challenge on food and cooking related items. As with any other subject there’s thousands of trivia items available to stump and puzzles us all when it comes to food. Here are 10 that I found somewhat interesting and I hope you do as well. The answers will be posted tomorrow so you can check and see how you’ve done. Have fun with it and then go eat a sandwich.

* * *

1.  In which American city is the greatest amount of ketchup consumed?

2.  Who said: “Never eat more than you can lift”?

3.  What was the first commercially manufactured breakfast cereal?

4.  How many pounds of dry saffron does an acre of crocus plants yield?

5.  Under federal food labeling regulations, how much caffeine must be removed from coffee for it to be called decaffeinated?

6.  What are the five most frequently consumed fruits in the United States?

7.  What snack food commercial was pulled off the air in 1970 because of complaints from an outraged ethnic group?

8.  What popular lunch and snack food did an unidentified St. Louis doctor develop in 1890 for patients requiring an easily digested form of protein?

9.  What do Eskimos use to prevent their food from freezing?

10. What eating utensil was first brought to America in 1630 by Massachusetts Bay Colony governor John Winthrop, who carried it around with him in a specially made, velvet-lined leather case?

* * *

I selected these questions because I felt they could be answered easily if you just think about them for a moment.  I could be wrong so check back tomorrow.

Posted October 5, 2013 by Every Useless Thing in Cooking, Education, Humor, Trivia, Useless Crap

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10-03-2013   Leave a comment

I’ve been accused by my better-half on more than one occasion that she knows what I’m thinking when I say certain words.  I refuse to repeat any of her examples because it’ll only make her think she’s right and then I’d never ever hear the end of it.  It did get me thinking about certain words and phrases I’ve been hearing for most of my life from female family members, girlfriends, and spouses.  I think this list may be used as a reference guide to help me in my future discussions (arguments) with my better-half concerning these matters.  I’m sure if I put my mind to it I could add another twenty of thirty items to this list but what’s the point.  For my male readers I’m sure you’ll recognize some of these golden oldies used by generations of women to confuse and misdirect us.  War is truly hell when it involves the sexes.  Arm yourselves with as much ammunition and information as you can.  You’ve been warned.

* * *

FINE – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut the hell up.

WHATEVER – This is the new favorite word women use to convey “screw you”or “up yours”.

FIVE MINUTES – This means half an hour.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? – This has no real meaning. They only say it every fifteen minutes to drive us effing crazy.

NOTHING – This is the calm before the storm. This actually means "Something," and you should stand with your back to the nearest wall.  ‘Nothing’ usually means Something and it’s Something bad for you.

GO AHEAD – This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it, trust me, DON’T DO IT.

FINE! -  Does not really mean fine at all.  It means “Fine, you rotten SOB” and you’ll be sorry for bringing it up.

LOUD SIGH – A sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and a moron and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

THAT’S OKAY – This means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you’ll pay for your mistake.

THANKS – A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome but make no direct eye contact.

* * *

I hope this helps all of you men out there in your attempts to understand just what your woman or women are really saying.  It takes decades for us men to even scratch the surface of understanding women and I’m firmly convinced we never will.  We just have to keep trying.

Posted October 4, 2013 by Every Useless Thing in Humor, Just Saying, Kill Me, I'm Begging You, Sarcasm, Useless Crap

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10-02-2013   Leave a comment

How do you classify yourself?  Many people identify themselves as being a “Child of the 60’s” of a “Child of the 70’s” or whatever.  I’ve never actually figured out what I am. My childhood years were in the 50’s but I’ve always felt like a “Child of the 60’s” but also at times like a “Child of the 70’s”.  I guess I’m more than a little conflicted.  I enjoyed each of those decades to their fullest and each means as much to me as the others. That being said I can state emphatically that I’m not a child of the 80’s, 90’s, or God forbid the twenty-first century.  Those born and raised during those years have my sincerest sympathies.

I realize that many of the readers of this blog identify with those years but do they really.  Let’s take this short quiz to help answer at least one question, are you really a “Child of the 80’s” or not?

Take a look at this list. If you can identify with more than half of them, you are a child of the 80’s.

  • You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".

  • You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer".

  • You were only cool if you hung out at the Roller Rink and actually knew how to skate.

  • You can sing the McDonald’s Big Mack Filet-o-Fish, quarter pounder, French Fry song while jump roping.

  • You wore 3-8 different colored socks in layers and thought that the more you could wear the cooler you were.

  • You know who Mr. T is.

  • You actually believed for a minute that K.I.T. (The night rider) actually was real.

  • You know who Fat Albert is.

  • You wore fluorescent, neon clothing.

  • You could break dance, or wish you could.

  • You wanted to be The Incredible Hulk for Halloween.

  • You believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!"

  • Partying "like it’s 1999" seemed SO far away.

  • You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.

  • You wanted to be on Star Search.

  • You can remember Michael Jackson when he was still black.

  • You remember the garbage pail kids, and owned some.

  • You knew what Willis was "talkin’ ’bout."

  • You HAD to have your MTV.

  • You always wondered why Tootie always wore those skates.

  • You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.

  • You watched Purple Rain over and over again.

  • Your all time favorite movie was Footloose and you actually thought that Kevin Bacon was HOT in it!!!

  • You remember the episode of Good Times when Flo broke down after James’ funeral.

  • You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.

  • You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we’d all be living on the moon.

  • You remember and/or owned any of the Care Bear Glass collection from Pizza Hut or any other stupid collection they came out with.

  • Poltergeist freaked you out.

  • You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunch box.

  • You have pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.

  • You know what leg warmers are and probably had a pair.

  • You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish.

  • You had a Swatch Watch with the Swatch Guard.

  • You thought UTFOs "Roxanne, Roxanne" song was the bomb!

  • You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.

  • You had Wonder Woman or Superman underoos.

  • You know what a "Push Up" ice cream is.

Well, how did you make out.  Are you really a child of the 80’s or not?  If you really are then are you willing to admit it in front of your friends?  All interesting questions and none of them likely to be answered truthfully.  Stand up and be proud of your heritage, no matter how silly and stupid it is.  We’ve all had to do that at some point in our lives and it wasn’t easy for us either.

Posted October 3, 2013 by Every Useless Thing in Bitch & Complain, Humor, Looking Back, Useless Crap

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10-01-2013   Leave a comment

I’ve been mentioning the Fryeburg Fair for a month now and today was the day.  We were up at dawn and enroute to pickup the better-half’s daughter and one year old grandson.  I’d  pounded down two quick cups of coffee to get my heart started and to keep me alert during the fifty minute drive to Fryeburg, Maine.  It was early, I hadn’t slept all that well, and I knew it was going to be a very long day.

I was looking forward to taking the grandson to his first Fair but everything else was up for grabs.  As we entered the town of Fryeburg traffic was exactly as expected, grid lock.  We moved very slowly through town to the area where the fairgrounds are located and parked in the front yard of a local resident for $5.00 bucks.  Every house on the street approaching the fairgrounds has a sign up and a person waving a flag trying to entice idiots like us to park with them.  Depending on the size of their yard they can turn a nice profit during Fair week.  We unloaded the two hundred pounds of baby stuff, threw the little guy into his high-tech stroller and began walking the short distance to the main entrance of the fairgrounds.

When I say there were thousands of people swarming the area I’m not kidding.  I have a minor phobia about large crowds and close quarters and I knew today was going to test me in a big way. 

The better-half has a few things during every Fair visit that have become a tradition for her such as immediately buying a stack of postcards, a giant plastic coffee mug, and chowing down on a box of french fries.  It took just a few minutes for those three items to be scratched from her to-do list and the rest of us were finally permitted to find a freaking rest room.

The crowds continued to grow, the sun came out, and it turned into a beautiful yet sweltering day.  During the drive to the Fair the temperature was in the low fifties but within an hour of our arrival it started climbing into the mid seventies.  An absolute scorcher as it turned out.

We visited exhibits, nibbled at various food items and delivered the grandson to the petting zoo for an introduction to a few of Mother Natures favorite animals.  He was curious for a moment as he and his mother were mobbed by a herd of small goats looking for the food they were carrying. His interests in the goats waned a bit but then he discovered the straw covering the floor.  It held his interest almost as long as the goats.  Maybe next year he’ll be more interested in the animals. 

We sat for a time in the shade of a tree and listened to a local performer singing a selection of songs and making nice with the crowd.  We were able to catch our breath, cool off a little, and change our damp little boy.  He had some fun clapping with the music and trying to dance and smiling and giggling at everyone.  It was pretty cool.

It was as expected a very long day.  We visited more animals, barns, horses, oxen, cattle, chickens, and llamas than I ever want to see again.  We ate more food, drank more water and made many more trips to the restrooms.  That for me is the biggest racket of all at this Fair.  They have an assigned attendant in each restroom who I was expected to tip after relieving myself.  Of course I left no tip because I refuse to pay someone to stand there and direct me to a urinal and then watch me take a leak.  Something is just wrong and a little creepy about that and I refused to participate.  I’d love to see just how those folks would list that job on their resume.  I won’t even try to guess.

It was finally four o’clock and we’d been roaming around for almost eight hours.  My back hurt, my feet hurt, I was hot and sweaty, and the baby was getting a little cranky.  The better-half and her daughter were exhausted as well and I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there.  So we did.

The soft seats of that car were the best part of the day.  The baby instantly fell asleep and we made our way home.  I was happy to be involved with his first official Fair visit and we were able to document it with hundreds of photographs.  Next year he’ll be walking, talking, and be a little more aware of what’s going on around him.  I’m already looking forward to that.

I’d really like to write more but I’m heading for the shower and then our nice soft bed. I am pooped.  

Posted October 2, 2013 by Every Useless Thing in Humor, Just Saying, Music, Photography

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