Author Archive
Here is another installment of some moderately disgusting 1980’s humor. How can you not appreciate the “good old days” and their “unwoke” attitude?
- Why are women like pianos? When they’re not up right, their grand!
- What do you have if you use Kaopectate, Clearasil and birth control pills? No runs, no zits, no errors!
- What’s the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up? Old age!
- What are the two stages of being a husband? When you want to be faithful but are not, and when you want to be faithful but cannot!
- What is it in the spring air that causes girls to get pregnant? Their legs!
- How many men suffer from wet dreams? Nobody suffers from wet dreams!
- What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside!
- Why did the girl take a bath in peroxide? Because she heard that on the whole gentlemen prefer blondes!
- What is French asthma ? You can only catch your breath in snatches.
- What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up your family tree, but a gynecologist just peeks inside your bush!
Here is one of my all-time favorites.
What’s the difference between frustration and panic? Frustration is the first time you find that you can’t do it the second time, and panic is the second time find out you can’t do it the first time!
LUV THE EIGHTIES
Is it just me or is the media using the term “genius” way too often. It seems that if your successful at anything you’re a genius until the novelty wears off and then your back to being a regular schmuck like everyone else. Real geniuses are a rarity, and they bring their own baggage along with them. They are usually a genius in a specific area but in other areas not so much. I went to college with a guy who could pick up a #2 pencil and in mere minutes, completely copy works by Michaelangelo. It was effortless and left many of us absolutely amazed. What most people didn’t know was that he was something of a recluse. He hated groups of people and was barely able to attend classes. Many times, he would complete wonderful projects at his apartment and then contact his fellow students to deliver them to the teacher. He was unable to speak before groups of more than 2 or 3 without panicking. Was he a genius? Yes! Was he happy? I don’t honestly know.
I decided to checkout a few well know geniuses to get a better feel about how they handled their gift. Here are a few facts.
- The eccentric English chemist and physicist Henry Cavendish (1731-1810) had no appropriate instruments for that purpose, so he measured the strength of an electrical current in a direct way. He shocked himself with the electrical current and estimated the pain. He still managed to live to be nearly 80 years old.
- The first person to work out the manner in which a telescope handled light according to strict scientific principles was the German astronomer Johann Kepler. His eyesight was so bad, however, that it was useless for him to try to use a telescope himself.
- Thomas Edison, who bordered on being totally deaf, do not think of the phonograph in terms of music and entertainment. He was interested in the business and educational potential of the invention.
- Henry Ford in 1921 proposed that milk be made synthetically. His disregard for dairy cows as being inefficient and unsanitary stemmed from unpleasant experiences on his father’s farm. Milking had been an exasperating and disagreeable labor.
- Charles Dickens believed that a good night’s sleep was possible only if the bed was aligned from north to south. In this manner, he thought, the magnetic currents of the earth would flow straight through the resting body.
- Geniuses require powers of concentration. But even that can be carried too far. In 1807, the mathematician Johann Karl Frederich Gaus was caught up in a problem while his wife lay sick upstairs. When the doctor told him his wife was dying, Gaus waved him away and never looking up from his problem, muttered, “Tell her to wait a moment till I’m through.”
- Louis Pasteur, whose work on wine, vinegar, and beer led to pasteurization, had an excessive fear of dirt and infection. He refused to shake hands, and he carefully whipped his plate and glass before dining.
- Sigmund Freud never learned to read a railway timetable. It was necessary that he be accompanied on any journey.
BEING A GENIUS IS NO BARGIN
I’ve been a baseball lover my whole life. I have a hard time watching baseball games these days because it’s always been more fun to play than to watch. Thank God for highlights provided on the Internet which makes watching much more pleasant. I was born in the Pittsburgh area and was required to be a rabid Pirates fan by my father and grandfathers. Unfortunately, the team has been a serious disappointment for the last twenty or so years. I still follow the team but not too closely anymore. Maybe that would change if the management of the team ever decides to pry open their fat wallets and spend a little extra money for next level players.
I’m also big into trivia and as I’m surfing the net or reading books, I constantly look for baseball trivia. Fortunately, or unfortunately some of the greatest stories were from the early years of the game before rule changes that made it impossible for players to show much emotion. The current whinny umpires are a tad too sensitive for my liking and really need their moms to show up and hug them. Those nasty baseball players are just soooooooo mean and they apparently hurt the poor umpires’ feelings. Just step-up guys and grow a pair!!! If it’s too upsetting for you – get the hell out of the business. They are one of the reasons that will eventually cause the league to turn over all umpiring duties to computers.
Here are a few trivia facts for you for a taste of baseball at its best.
- One of the most popular baseball players of the 1880’s was a catcher-outfielder named Michael Joseph “King” Kelly, who played for Cincinnati, Chicago, New York and Boston. Kelly was a good hitter and a great baserunner. When he tried to steal a base his fans would shout, “Slide, Kelly, Slide!” This phrase was soon printed in the newspapers and made Kelly famous. Kelly was also an alert ballplayer who was always looking for a way to get an advantage over the other team. One day, when he was sitting on the bench, an opposing batter hit a high foul ball that none of Kelly’s teammates would be able to catch. Kelly leaped off the bench and went after the ball. At the same time, he was shouting to the umpire, “Kelly now catching!” Kelly caught the ball, but the umpire refused to allow the catch. “It’s not against the rules,” Kelly declared. “It says in the book that substitutions can be made any time.” The umpire still wouldn’t call the batter out. But Kelly was right. That winter, a new rule was written into the book. Because of Kelly’s alert play, the new rule said that a player could not enter the game while the ball is in play.
- On August 13, 1910, the Pittsburgh Pirates played the Brooklyn Dodgers. After nine innings the game was tied, but darkness stopped play. The nine-inning statistics showed that each team had scored 8 runs on 13 hits and committed 2 errors. Both clubs had sent 38 men to the plate, with both sets of fielders credited with 27 put-outs and 12 assists. There were 5 strikeouts recorded against each team, and each side had given up three walks. It was the evenest game ever played.
- One day in a Southern League game a batter for Knoxville smashed a long, high fly to center field. Arnie Moser, the centerfielder for Nashville, ran all the way to the scoreboard. The ball was over Moser’s head, and he leaped for it but missed. The ball hit the scoreboard and came down. Moser also hit the scoreboard but did not come down. His belt had caught on a wooden peg, and he was hanging helplessly on the fence, unable to chase the ball and get it back to the infield. Moser’s teammate left-fielder Oris Hockett came racing over to back-up the play. “I’m stuck! Get me down!” yelled Moser. Hockett looked up at his friend, looked for the ball, and looked at the runner rounding second base. He had to make a choice quickly. “Get me down!” yelled Mosier again. “Wait a minute”! hollered Hockett. He picked up the ball and threw it back to the infield to keep the runner from scoring. Only then did he go back to the fence and help get Arnie Moser off the scoreboard peg.
GIVE ME THOSE GOOD OLD DAYS
(The umpires sucked a little but didn’t whine)
It’s another gray and rainy day here in Maine. We had a bit of sunshine yesterday and I had my first hour of deck time without freezing my ass off. But unfortunately, today things have returned to what is normal for March. I just needed something today to make me smile and these jokes were just what the doctor ordered so I thought I’d share them with you.
😁😁😁
A trucker had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and woman lying naked in the center of the road, making love. He blew his horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way, he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Getting out of the truck, madder than hell, the trucker walked up to the two, still in the road, and yelled, “What the hell’s the matter with you two? Didn’t you hear me blowing my horn? You could’ve been killed!” The man on lying on the highway, obviously satisfied and unconcerned, looked up and said, “Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.”
😹😹😹
Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout “Fuck”?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout “Bingo”.
🤪🤪🤪
The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack. When the squad got there it was too late because the man had died. While consoling the wife, one of the rescuers noticed that their bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack. The lady calmly replied, “Well, we were in bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing around the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going.”
😂😂😂
Q. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A. Put a nipple on it.
😉😉😉
Two guys are camping. They are having a little conversation, when all of a sudden one guy yells, “I just got bitten by a snake on the tip of my penis.” The other guy says, “Don’t worry, I’ll go into town and ask a doctor what to do.” So, the guy goes to the nearest town and after 30 minutes finds a doctor. He asks the doctor, “Doctor, my friend just got bitten by a snake. What should I do?” The doctor says, “All you have to do is suck the poison out.” So, the friend returns to the campsite where his friend is lying on the ground whimpering. He asks, “So what did the doctor say?” The friend says, “I’m sorry but the doctor says you’re going to die!
🙂🙂🙂
Q. What’s the ultimate rejection?
A. When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
*****
HAVE A CHUCKLE OR TWO
I’m a fan of some poetry. That being said I prefer short poetry like haikus or limericks. What I like even more is poetry written by younger children because it seems they write what they’re feeling and that makes it special. In the past I’ve posted poems from younger children collected from English-speaking countries around the world and today I offer four more excellent examples of their work. Their poetry is alarmingly good for their young ages and today’s topic will be Feelings. Enjoy!
By Paul Wollner – Age 7 – United States
I love you, Big World.
I wish I could call you
And tell you a secret:
That I love you, World.
*****
By Mary Flett – Age 9 – New Zealand
A loving arm
Shelters me
From any harm.
That shelteredness
Of kindness
Flows around me.
*****
By Ngaire Noffke – Age 12 – New Zealand
I shook his hand.
I touched him.
How proud I felt.
He said “Hello” softly.
I lost my voice,
But in my mind
I said everything.
*****
by Karen Crawford – Age 9 – United States
Have you ever felt like nobody?
Just a tiny speck of air.
When everyone’s around you,
And you are just not there.
*****
THANKS ONCE AGAIN TO RICHARD LEWIS
Today I’d like to talk about virgins and virginity. Whether we like it or not there aren’t as many virgins available as there once were. Back in the day virginity was prized by almost everyone but I think those days have passed us by forever. I’m reminded of a joke I heard a few years ago that the only virgins left were “ugly third graders”. It was funny at the time but the more I thought about it the more unfunny it became. I’ve been around a very long time and my experience with virgins is damn near nonexistent. With the advent of “soaking” (thanks to those devote Mormons), I’m not entirely sure if the term virginity even applies anymore. Since I admittedly have no clue about virginity, I thought I’d revert to my library for some soulful inspiration. My first choice when diving into my library is always limericks. Here are four limericks concerning virginity or the lack thereof. Enjoy!
💥
There was a young fellow named Biddle
Whose girl had to teach him to fiddle.
She grabbed hold of his bow
And said, “If you want to know,
You can try parting my hair in the middle.”
💥💥
There was a young virgin of Dover
Who was screwed in the woods by a drover.
When the going got hard
He greased her with lard,
Which felt nice, so they started all over.
💥💥💥
There was a young girl from Hoboken
Who claimed that her hymen was broken
From riding a bike
On a cobblestone pike,
But it really was broken from pokin’.
💥💥💥💥
There was a young girl named McKnight
Who got drunk with her boyfriend one night.
She came to in bed
With a split maidenhead –
That’s the last time she ever was tight.
THANKS TO RONALD STANZA
After the last few years, I’ve become something of an expert on the human body and all of its frailties. It’s not something I ever wanted to know but when you’re put in a position where you have no choice, you learn. I thought I’d pass along a short list of interesting items about the human body that might help you learn some things you didn’t know. Let’s see . . .
- The longest hiccupping attack lasted 65 years; the longest sneezing fit lasted 978 days; and the longest yawning ordeal lasted for five weeks.
- The average human body has 14 to 18 square feet of skin.
- The average human head contains approximately 100,000 hairs.
- Assuming that the heart beats at least once a second, by the time a person is 70, his or her heart will have beat at least 2.8 billion times.
- Approximately 200,000,000 to 300,000,000 sperm cells are contained in a single human ejaculation.
- Every human being will drink approximately 16,000 gallons of water in their lifetime.
- It takes 17 muscles to smile and 43 to frown.
- A human being will lose 1/2 to 3/4 of the bodies heat by not covering the head in cold weather.
- The hyoid bone resides by itself in the throat, and it supports the tongue and its muscles. It is the only bone in the body that does not connect with another bone.
- Whether the person is male or female, the number of hairs lost in a given day is approximately 25-225 hairs.
And for my final entry I’ll explain how religion manages to involve itself in virtually everything. We’ve all heard during our lives about the “Adam’s Apple”. It refers to a religious legend that claims a piece of the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden was stuck in Adam’s throat. My only question is why Eve didn’t never had one.
I WONDER IF ADAM EVER HAD AN “EVE APPLE“
Here’s a collection of facts concerning some of the history of the battle for women’s rights. Some good ones, some bad ones, but all are certainly interesting.
- Epicurus (341-241 BC), to whom good and pleasure were synonymous, was the first important philosopher to accept women as students.
- In 17th and 18th century America, women were employed in all of the same occupations that men worked, and men and women earned equal pay. A female blacksmith charged the same as a man to shoe a horse. Women sextons and printers were paid at the same rate as men. Women were also silversmiths, gunsmiths, shipwrights, and undertakers.
- The first woman governor in U.S. history was Mrs. Nelly Taylor Ross. She was elected governor of Wyoming in 1925.
- $10,000 was offered by Marion Hovey, of Boston, to the Harvard Medical School, to be used to educate women on equal terms with men. A committee approved the proposal, but the Hovey offer was rejected by the board of overseers. The year was 1878.
- Though she was a Nobel Prize winner (and soon would become the first person to win two), Marie Curie (1867-1934) was denied membership in the august French Academy simply because she was a woman.
- A woman agreed in 1952 to play in organized baseball, with the Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, Senators of the Interstate League. However, minor league commissioner George Trautman, with the support of major league baseball commissioner Ford Frick, unilaterally voided Mrs. Eleanor Angles contract.
- During the American Revolution, many brides did not wear white wedding gowns; instead, they wore red as a symbol of the rebellion.
- She was 87 years old when she became the first woman U.S. Senator, and she served for only one day, November 21, 1922. Rebecca Lattimer Felton, a Democrat and the widow of a Georgia representative who had opposed reactionary machine politics, had long worked for women’s suffrage, which became national law in 1920. She was appointed for a day to the Senate in a token gesture by the governor of Georgia, who had opposed the suffrage movement. “The word ‘sex’ has been obliterated from the Constitution,” Mrs. Felton said on excepting her appointment. There are now no limitations upon the ambitions of women.
- There are 15 nations that had given women the right to vote before the U.S. did in 1920. The earliest were New Zealand, in 1893, Australia, in 1902, and Finland, in 1906.
- Abigail Adams wrote to her husband, John, in 1776: “If particular care and attention is not paid to the ladies, we are determined to foment a rebellion, and will not hold ourselves bound by any laws in which we have no voice or representation.”
ONE IS NOT BORN A WOMAN, ONE BECOMES ONE
Now that we’re a few days into the month of March I began getting those terrible Spring Fever feelings. I know it’s wishful thinking this early but I’m sick and tired of this cold weather and snow and power outages and all of the other benefits of living in Maine. Let me brighten up your day a little with a few jokes that might just make you smile and forget it still effing March.
- Two prim and proper southern rural sisters, Georgia and Loreen, were sitting on the porch in rocking chairs discussing Loreen’s recent trip to New York City. Loreen says, “Sister, did you know that in New York City there are women who kiss other women on the lips?” Georgette gasps and exclaims, “Oh, sister! What do they call them?” “They call them lesbians,” Loreen replies. “And, sister, did you know that in New York City there are men who kiss other men on the lips?” “Oh, sister,” says Georgia, fanning herself in a startled frenzy. “What do they call them?” “They call them gay, “Loreen says. “And, sister, did you know that in New York City there are men who kiss women on their private parts?” To this, Georgia’s face turns bright red, and she nearly falls out of her chair as she explains,”Ohhhhh, sister! What do they call them?” Loreen smiles a secretive smile and proudly announces, “Well, I don’t know but when he looked up, I called him Precious!”
- Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “What are those things on your chest?” Unsure of how to reply she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter will be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning, he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why, Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float away to heaven.” Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no further questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy is dying!” “Uncle Harry is blowing up mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, Oh God, I’m coming!”
- Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees, always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed. Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn’t making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay someone off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. After much thought, he eventually decided he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off. So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah got a terrible headache and needed to take an aspirin. She got the aspirin out of her purse and went to the water cooler to get something to wash it down. Mr. Smith followed her to the water cooler, placed his hand on here shoulder and said, “Sarah, I’m going to have to lay you, or Jack, off.” Sarah said, “You’ll just have to jackoff – I have a terrible headache!”
297 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS
That should wipe that smile off your face.
I’m feeling a little weird today as you’ll see when you read the following post. I always like to have a reasonable amount of weirdness in my life but today I have more than my share. Therefore, I’ll pass the following items on to you to help me shed some of my current level of weirdness. Oh yeah, “You’re welcome.”
- An agoraphobic man who had vowed never to leave his house again after he was assaulted at age 18 decided, after 30 years of self-induced imprisonment, to take a walk outside. But the strain of being outside was too much for him and he suffered a heart attack while strolling along.
- A man was speeding down the highway at 110 mph when he struck the rear of a car, immediately killing the two people inside. The victims? The man’s mother and her elderly neighbor, who she was taking on a leisurely drive to see the town’s Christmas lights.
- Author Morgan Robertson wrote his story of a gigantic luxury ship, the Titan, in 1898. In his fictional tale, the ship, advertised as unsinkable, hits an iceberg and tragic tragically goes down, killing many passengers and crew. In 1912, the real-life ship the Titanic met a shockingly similar fate.
- A man attempting to rob a convenience store in Cherry Hill, North Carolina, thwarted his own plans when he dropped his gun. The gun hit the ground, went off, and the bullet lodged in the robber’s foot.
“I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.”
Edgar Allen Poe
- A wealthy Connecticut woman named Helen Dow Peck believed messages she received from Ouija boards. One day in 1919, the board spelled out that she should leave her entire estate to a man named John Gale Forbes. She did but the only problem was she didn’t know anybody by that name. In fact, after she died in 1956, her lawyer did a search throughout the world and discovered that, despite what all the all-knowing spirits had said, there was nobody with that name.
- Four men dressed like Elvis Presley jumped out of a plane to promote a Boston nightclub opening in 1996. Three of them lived, but one unlucky Elvis died when he caught a gust of wind and was blown out to sea.
“Those who dream by day are cognizant of many
things that escape those who dream only at night.”
Edgar Allan Poe
HUMAN RIGHTS SHOULD INCLUDE WEIRDNESS
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