Archive for the ‘Kill Me, I’m Begging You’ Category
I always try to plan ahead for ideas for this blog but today I’m having a difficult time concentrating. I’m a lover of all new technology and make it a point to stay up to speed with new software and hardware as it comes available. Today is one of those days that computer junkies fear the most. No working internet connection.
We had a moderately heavy rainstorm last night and things were fine when I crashed into bed at 1 am. I awoke this morning and my internet connection is dead. While my in-house network is still functioning thanks to a battery backup unit, good old Time Warner’s internet feed is missing in action. Unfortunately our house is located in a semi-dead spot for internet, GPS, and telephone reception. I have range extenders for damn near everything but they also run in conjunction with the internet.
In order for me to make or receive calls today I’ll be forced to drive a few hundred yards up a nearby hill near the house to get just two bars. My alarm system is sending me text messages on the phone (3G) telling me the system is off. Damn, tell me something I don’t know.
In the past the system usually comes back on-line very quickly but not today. It’s been four hours already and still nothing. And of course their telephone lines are busy, busy, busy.
Let’s kill some time today while I wait for the internet to return by revisiting some things I truly enjoy and that’s limericks. I’ve collected many, written a few, and they always seem to lean to the naughtier side of things. Some of the best I’ve ever seen have come from Great Britain because they’ve been writing them for centuries and have some of the naughtiest and funniest. I’ll try to keep todays collection naughty but nice and I’ll skip the x-rated stuff for now. Here’s five of my fav’s.
#1
With a maiden a chap just begat
Bouncing triplets named Pat, Nat, and Tat;
Twas fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding;
As there wasn’t a spare tit for Tat.
#2
There once was a young lady named Hilda
Who went out with a top body-builder;
He said that he should,
That he could and he would,
And he did and it damn near killed her.
#3
A notorious harlot named Hearst
In the pleasures of men is well-versed;
Reads the sign at the head
Of her well rumpled bed;
“The customer always comes first”.
#4
There was a young fellow from Kent
Whose tool was incredibly bent;
To save himself trouble,
He put it in double,
And, instead of coming he went!
#5
As the elevator car left our floor,
Poor old Sue caught her boobs in the door;
She yelled a great deal,
But had they been real,
She’d have bellowed considerably more.
***
‘And one from an anonymous kid.’
Hopefully some time today I can get these posted but I’m at the mercy of the Time Warner road crews. Here’s one of my own limericks I wrote after living in Maine for more than ten years. No names have been used to protect the somewhat innocent.
There once was a young lady from Maine
Who ruined her dress with a stain.
She thought she was clever,
But her mother knew better,
And asked “What the hell is his name”.
It’s now been eight hours without the internet and it just came back on. “Better late than never.” should be scrawled somewhere on Time Warner’s Logo.
ENJOY YOUR DAY
‘This is written with my tongue lodged firmly in my cheek.’
Where did our Summer go? It seems like just a short time ago we were complaining about the heat and humidity and WHAM, all of a sudden we’re rolling into October and looking down the tunnel at that proverbial bright light approaching at seventy miles an hour. That light is the damn holiday season quietly sneaking up on us. It’s October for God’s sake. Doesn’t anyone care that it just too damn early to be worrying about the holidays. Stop the madness people.
I was in Lowe’s yesterday visiting my better-half who was tied up with a number of other employees doing their Christmas reset. Just shoot me now, please. What the hell are they thinking.
These retailers claim they start their seasonal BS early because of the huge demand for their holiday products. Honestly, when was the last time you ever heard anyone . . . that’s ANYONE say they were happy about seeing the Christmas season starting in early October. Never!! The truth of the matter is that the demand is created by the retailers themselves who lower their prices just enough to entice customers to the store. They can be so disingenuous at times it makes me crazy. It just goes to show you how stupid they think we the shopping public are. And sadly they’re right!
I refuse to be manipulated anymore. No early holiday nonsense for me, no Black Friday idiocy, and no paying attention to the thousands of emails that will be clogging my mailbox over the next ten weeks. I’m done with it.
I plan on spending exactly fifteen minutes on Christmas shopping this year and thank God for Amazon. A five minute walk-in at Toys R Us for two gift cards, a five minute walk-in at Home Depot for one gift card, and finally five minutes to order seven additional gift cards from Amazon. That leaves just a few gifts I need to purchase for my better-half which will be ordered on-line as well and shipped directly to our house.
Stick those gift cards in an envelope with a Christmas card and a short note and you’re DONE. No more stress, no more purchases of gifts that no one really wants or appreciates. Get your gift cards in the mail, buy what you want, and leave me alone. I never intend to spend more than an hour on Christmas preparations ever again.
I’m only asking Santa Clause for Amazon or Kindle gift cards this year since I’ve been very, very good. I’ve spent too many years getting clothing I hate and would never dare to wear, smiling and lying about how much I liked that fruit cake I received, and all of the required traveling around the countryside in terrible weather to visit people. I’m sorry folks, it’s nothing personal, but in my opinion if you’ve seen one Christmas tree you’ve seen them. So here is my collective seasons greetings for most of you in case I forget later.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN
HAPPY THANKSGIVING
HAPPY HANUKKAH
HAPPY STUPID KWANSA
HAPPY SEINFELD FESTIVAS
MERRY CHRISTMAS
HAPPY NEW YEAR
I’m exhausted already from just listing all of this foolishness. I wish I could just go find a cave and hibernate until February 15. It would make for one of the best holiday seasons ever if I could.
BAH HUMBUG
Anyone who ever met my late father and had more than a two minute conversation with him was sure to have heard the term "Sh*t List". Some one was always being added to his never ending list and included almost anyone who ever annoyed or irritated him.
He and I disagreed on many things but I really loved the idea a list of people, places, or things that ruined my day in some fashion. My better-half and I adopted the practice a number of years ago and swore to each other to keep our candidates on the list only until they reversed their offensive actions. They could then be removed after a probationary period that included one additional visit from us showing remorse for their questionable actions or bad attitudes. It’s a dirty job but someone has to do it and there are times when I wish it wasn’t me.
Our list contains the names of dozens of retail cashiers and managers who were rude or just plain ignorant. In most cases that included the retailer they worked for and who permitted their bad behavior without taking appropriate action. Walmart has been on and off the list at least three times already and we been forced to keep a close eye on them. Home Depot was a regular offender until recently when their latest customer service program began producing excellent results.
If you’re wondering why I’m posting this information, let me explain. We consider it a public service to let people know where the places that suck are located. Today’s announcement concerns the Appleby’s restaurant located in Biddeford, Maine.
Four years ago we placed them on the list for their high prices and less than delicious food. Their waitresses were unfriendly and a bit snotty. We waited a few years until we’d heard of a major menu change to more of a bistro or sports bar style of food. After our next visit we were thrilled to remove them from the Sh*t List. Major improvements were observed in all categories.
I’m saddened to report that Appleby’s is once again back on the list. They seem to have become complacent once again and are backsliding into the proverbial dumpster. Since they’re a second time offender we won’t be returning for at least a year to check on them.
Being a public servant can be really inconvenient at times because we’re slowly running out of restaurants where we can eat.
WE ARE EQUAL OPPORTUNIT SH*T LISTERS
I always seem to be talking about Winter approaching these days and with good reason. Winter in Maine lasts at least six months but it certainly seems longer. Just two weeks ago I was sleeping under a ceiling fan for eight hours a night because it was so damn hot and humid in the house. At the time I thought that miserable hot weather would never let up. Let me tell you, it’s let up.
‘Ahhhh Memories’
As of last night I’m convinced Winter is much closer than I thought. The last few nights we’ve had temperatures in the low forties which are wreaking havoc on what remains of the garden. I was reminded early this morning when the cold air in the room jolted me awake. Last night was the first official #5 night for my electric blanket. Unless some sort of Indian Summer happens it could mean an early arrival of the season which includes an unwelcome amount of our favorite white stuff.
Fall is probably my second favorite season of the year after early Spring. I love the vivid colors of the foliage just like every other photographer on the planet. Maine is already known for it’s beautiful scenery along the coast and inland in the forests and around the many lakes. Throw in millions and millions of colorful leaves and it becomes for a short time an effing paradise.
My cameras and lenses are cleaned and ready. My snowblower’ been taken out of mothballs, gassed up, and ready to go. All that’s left for me to do is the unpacking of my unfashionable and ugly winter clothing. It’s almost impossible to look good wearing three layers of clothing, a hat, gloves, a scarf, and big clunky boots. . . and unfortunately I’m just talking about the women. The men look even worse as they let their beards grow out and suit up with their favorite snowmobiling outfit. There’s nothing better than hanging around an ice fishing hut with a few of your buddies telling tall tales about fishing, hunting, and sexual prowess and guzzling as much beer as you can drink.
The never-ending number of hunting seasons always irritates me a little. There are times when entering the woods around here to take pictures can be a life threatening situation. If you not wearing bright red or fluorescent green you could easily be mistaken for a moose, a turkey, or even a cow. It’s a little like Vietnam out there if you throw in a few cases of beer to make things interesting. Scary doesn’t even begin to cover it.
As you can see from my remarks, I’m neither a hunter nor a fisherman. I’ve never been all that crazy about killing helpless animals with high powered weaponry and high tech fishing paraphernalia. I prefer to do all of my shooting with a camera. I also hate the thought of eating wild game thanks to my father who insisted I try to eat a little of everything he ever shot. Yuck!
Time to Crank up the electric blanket and hunker down for another six months of snow, sleet, and ice. I only hope I don’t slip and fall this year and break any additional bones. Trust me, it’s happened before.
“I will never forget.” is the extent of my comments for today on all of the 9/11 anniversary coverage. I have no need to write paragraph after paragraph about that day or to show any of the many horrific photographs. “I can’t and won’t ever forget.”
For too many years of my life I’ve wasted time fretting about politics and inept politicians. I’ve allowed myself to become upset and irate about how this country has slowly eroded many of our civil and human rights without a second thought. With the new presidential campaign beginning it’s time for me to bury my head in the sand and go into seclusion from it all.
I see nothing that interests me. It’s more of the same idiocy, the Clinton’s, the Obama’s, and the Bush’s. All we need is for someone to throw in a couple of Kennedy’s and we’ll finally have completed our time travel back to the 1960’s.
I’m one of the many citizens who’ve lost faith in our politicians as well as the American voting public. Any group of people, large or small, who are gullible enough to vote for an obvious anti-American to a second term as president deserve exactly what they get. This country has been in decline since the arrival of the Obama’s who’ve done nothing to stop it, if anything, they’ve accelerated it. Now the Democrats want Joe Biden to step in and attempt a third Obama term. The way things are going in this country he’ll probably get elected and the media will convince everyone it’s a huge mandate. Then he can become the scapegoat that can then be blamed for the downfall of the United States as a superpower. Turn out the lights people the effing party’s almost over.
I’ve finally eliminated from my life the constant barrage of political propaganda, both Republican and Democrat, that’s being spewed from millions of televisions across the country every day. I’ve also stopped listening to the radio which has become just as bad as television, if not worse. I’m done with it all.
My late father always told me that my vote meant something. I’m glad he didn’t live long enough to see what happening to this country . . . it would have killed him. The individual vote means nothing any longer because the political parties have successfully separated the citizens into small and diverse groups based on any number of differences. They play the blacks against the whites, the whites against the blacks, the heterosexuals against the gays, the blacks and whites against the Hispanics, and even the religious against the non-religious. We now have Red states against Blue states which helps keep everyone arguing and fighting on stupid social issues that mask all of the games that the political elite love to play. It’s become almost impossible with all of the factional infighting to elect a president with a majority of the popular vote.
So I hope you’re all prepared for the browbeating and propagandizing that’s coming your way for the next year. Let me know how it’s going from time-to-time if you can because I’m tired of trying to do the right thing and having it thrown back in my face. I’m tuning out just like the powers-that-be want me to do. They’ve won the battles and they’ve won the war. By disenfranchising us citizens they can continue to rule as they please without interference from the “great unwashed”.
HAPPY DAYS
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I feel like I’m in a rut of late which means this posting may ramble a bit. I seem to spend most of my time these days doing yard work, gardening, fighting with my computers, exercising, and reading endlessly. I’ve complained for decades that I never seemed to have enough time to read as much as I’d like and now I do. I should know by now to be careful what I wish for.
I set a goal for 2015 to read two books a week. I thought that was an unreachable number but something still worth shooting for. Believe it or not I’m ahead of schedule for the first seven months with a total of fifty-eight books read. I must have been out of my ever-loving mind. Since we decided to eliminate cable TV from our lives my reading time has increased ten fold. I’m making Amazon really happy because my purchases of Kindle books has also increased dramatically.
My better-half agreed to work a special two week schedule for Lowe’s requiring her to wake up at 3:00 am and to return home at 2:30 pm. Of course that also means she’s asleep by 7:30 pm giving us approximately five hours a day together. Just what I didn’t need was more free time to read.
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I still love reading but OMFG. This home has become a flop house for a cat who sleeps eighteen hours a day and for me who reads almost that much.
With the fiasco of Windows 10 making me crazier than usual and frustrating me beyond belief I immediately fell back to reading as a way to clear my head of all things “computer”. I never thought I’d see the day when I’d say something like this but I have no choice . . . Microsoft sucks!
Things have gotten so bad of late that I’ve actually considered going back to school just to have something to do. For someone who absolutely hated every school he’s ever attended, that quite the admission.
I’ve even thought about going back to a daily posting of this blog but decided against it. I’d rather start a new blog entirely to take a more critical look at current events and politics from my unusual and sarcastic perspective. I’m feeling a little meaner these days and with Obama on his way out the politicians of all parties have once again become fair game. It’s what our military would describe as a target rich environment.
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So to summarize . . . I’m freaking bored.
I just returned from the UPS Store where I dropped off the last of the equipment to be returned to the Dish Network. I wanted to make sure I mailed them as quickly as possible because their veiled threats of future penalty charges were wearing thin. I now have my receipt in hand and they can go find someone else to screw with. The only chore I have left is to remove that attractive satellite dish from the front of my house. I may be forced to repurpose that dish for further use because I have hundreds of birds in the area who’d appreciate another place to bathe. SEEYA DISH!
Today’s posting will be a lot of useless whining but I need to vent before my head explodes. Yesterday was Windows 10 day here at my house. What a huge pain in the ass that turned into. Two of my computers were eligible for the free upgrade and since I’ve always disliked Windows 7 and absolutely hated Windows 8.1, I was ready for the change. That old adage of “Be careful what you wish for” always seems to remain relevant.
My desktop was first up and should have been an indicator of where I’d be heading for the remainder of my day. The desktop was a Windows 7 unit and while the upgrade was over and done with in thirty minutes it created other problems. Anyone who knows anything about computers also knows that a Microsoft upgrade means additional problems. My desktop is located in a basement office a fair distance from the router. It always had a bar and a half on the wi-fi meter and that was sufficient to operate on the Net. After the upgrade I no longer could connect to to my home network. What a shock! (Sarcasm on) My final solution to the damn problem was either to buy a range extender or move my office elsewhere. More money down the drain for an range extender making my free upgrade not so free . . . add $90.00.
Then I began the conversion of my laptop that was running Windows 8.1. A handful of error messages and four hours later and it was finally done. A nice quick Microsoft fix. (more sarcasm) I let you know in a week or so just how stupendous Windows 10 is or isn’t. I’m not holding my breath.
I’ve been attempting in the few years to fight the powers-that-be to regain some control over my life. I dumped Time Warner because they were big fat liars and then signed up with Dish Network. Then after the first year at Dish they turned into the little brother of Direct TV and started jacking up their prices. They seem to think they have the moral high ground because they lie a little less than Direct TV. It’s a small difference to those of us who are the screwee’s (my made up word).
A few years ago I went through the same process with the cell phone carriers. It never seems to end with these companies who appear to have the government regulators in their pocket. They have us by the throat in a government regulated death grip and they never stop squeezing. Network upcharges, surcharges, taxes, fees, and anything else they can think of. “Land of the Free” has no meaning for me any longer.
The golden rule, "Do unto others what you want them to do unto you”, has always been meaningful but I think it now needs a bit of rewording.
“Shut the hell up, bend over, and like it.”
Starbucks . . . what can I say about Starbucks? Something good? Something bad? I have it . . . something sarcastic, of course. As most of you are aware I’m not their biggest fan. The only accomplishment that Starbucks can claim as their own was to increase the price for a simple cup of coffee from $.10 a cup to prices well north of $3.00 a cup. Thanks a lot Starbucks!
My dislike of Starbucks is directly related to the area of the country from which it sprung. I passed through the northwestern section of this country in the mid-sixties on my way overseas and then again upon my return. I’ll never forgive or forget the shabby treatment most of us servicemen received from the left leaning liberal residents of the area.
That being said let me tell you about my visit to Starbucks yesterday. I was dragged out into the heat of the day to accompany my better-half running errands. She stopped for a quick hair trimming and I was left sitting in the car sweating my ass off. It was either sweat and be miserable in the car or go into the nearby Starbucks and be unsweaty and just as miserable there.
I ordered my “Grande” coffee which for you normal people out there means a “Large”. I guess it hurts less when you’re handed a “Grande” coffee and charged $3.50. Seated next to me were a foursome of young ladies that appeared to be in their early or mid twenties. I noticed them immediately because only one of them had blue hair and the total number of piercing for the table was less than ten. Shocking!
They were getting a little boisterous in their support for those Greenpeace heroes attempting to block a river in Oregon by hanging off a bridge and floating below in the river on their kayaks. Years ago I was an avid Greenpeace member but abandoned their organization when their goals and principles took a strong left leaning direction. These young ladies were fully in support of this blockade but didn’t see the obvious irony. Greenpeace is blockading an oil ship from passing as they sit in the middle of the river in plastic kayaks. They must have forgotten that those cute little plastic boats are made from plastic, a petroleum bi-product. How ironic and hypocritical at the same time, a liberal specialty.
“They should try this logo, it might increase their market share.’
I didn’t engage them during their group rant but I did laugh out loud a couple of times. It’s good that they have a sympathetic company like Starbucks that supplies them a place to hang out and support all of the tremendously unimportant liberal causes . . . of course at a price, $3.50 a Grande.
It’s a Saturday morning in Maine in July. It’s rained through the night and everything is wet and bright green as you’d might expect. The downside is that it’s 6:00 am and my better-half has awakened me because of our planned trip to a nearby church festival. I was informed that it’s critically important that we arrive before 8:00 am before all of the good stuff is gone at the Flea Market. Just as a point of information the “Flea Market” is nothing more than the basement of the church filled to the rafters with crap. If I chose to be politically correct it could be called antique, vintage or preowned but that would be stretching the meaning of those words to the limit. Imagine thousands and thousands of objects discarded by hundreds and hundreds of people scattered across forty of fifty tables, in side rooms, and even outside in tents. The great majority of the items are priced at a dollar or less and even then it’s a rip-off (in my humble opinion). I understand it’s money raised for a church charity so overcharging for crap is accepted and expected.
It was so crowded with crazy people I could barely move around. I felt pressured and obligated to buy something because this flea market was being run by a friend and former co-worker. I dug down deep into my moth infested pocket where I found two one dollar bills. I decided on a purchase which I would present to my better-half on her birthday. I imagine every women in the world wants, needs, and desires a beautiful yet tacky Betty Boop toilet paper roller.
After that purchase I fled the scene and returned to the fair for some greasy and unhealthy fair food. There was plenty to go around.
‘Salted, greasy, unhealthy, and almost delicious.’
‘Hot sausage sandwich, peppers, onions, and a butt load of cholesterol.’
‘Chicken anyone?’
With my belly full I made a bee line for the tent where the books were being sold. I try to buy a sufficient number to carry me through the upcoming winter but the selection wasn’t as good as in previous years. I purchased a few but disappointed there weren’t more.
No real fair or festival fails to have the obligatory Disney presence with Mickey and Minnie posing for pictures with the kids. I asked cute little Minnie to sit on my lap for a picture but she adamantly refused. Nobody likes a prudish and fake mouse and she was really mean too!
My better-half made a number of trips to the car with her arms loaded with just about everything. She bought food, toys, raffle tickets, and enough other crap to fill my trunk and backseat. I was more than a little happy to see that church in my rear view mirror as we pulled away.
Another three and a half hours of my life I’ll never get back.
The day after the night before. Happy Birthday America! Another Fourth of July celebration under my belt but you know, it just doesn’t feel the same as it once did. Things in this country seem to be a little out of kilter these days and I’m not too happy about it. In my opinion this posting at this time is an absolute necessity. I never thought it would come to this but here goes.
I suppose I could blame the Obama’s for everything bad that’s happening but that’s a little too easy. In reality they’re just a symptom of this countries problem, not the actual cause. Unfortunately in a representative republic (incorrectly called democracy) the will of the people rules and therein lies the real problem. It’s obvious to me and others that most people in this country no longer give a damn. The evidence is shoved in our faces every day if we’d only pay just a little attention. I could spend twenty more paragraphs explaining all of the dirty little details but everyone admits to knowing them so what’s the point. The United States is slowly turning into a much larger and richer version of Europe and if that doesn’t frighten you just a little bit then there’s really no hope for us.
Wide open borders . . . Ignoring dangerous enemies . . . Loss of respect in the world . . . Corrupt politicians . . . Lying and corrupt media . . . And a total waste of precious money, energy, and time on ridiculous social issues like gay marriage. Try to imagine the millions and millions of dollars spent on this nonsense and to what end? Just more inane and unimportant issues to further divide the country into arguing factions of passionate idiots. This country has lost the ability to create a consensus on any given topic, important or otherwise.
Maybe I’m slowly turning away from the lies and BS of the Republican and Democratic Parties and morphing into some sort of borderline, militant, and angry Libertarian. It’s going to take a powerful third party to rise from the ashes in this country with the ability to pull the strongest and smartest members from all of the other parties. They can then create a cohesive majority with good common sense goals for the country. That party must have no fear of the political correctness crowd and all of their liberal hangers-on.
So a great big happy birthday to American, a once powerful and respected nation. I’m beginning to wonder for how much longer it’ll be worth celebrating.
U . . . S . . . A U . . . S . . . A U . . . S . . . A
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