Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category
Not being a huge football or sports fan has distinct advantages for me. I can ridicule any team at any time for any reason and I do as often as I can. It’s difficult because so many people admire, desire, and worship these football heroes (I use the term loosely) that they’ll attack anyone who isn’t awed by the mere sight of them. My hero worshiping days were short lived after all of the scandals: cheating, lying, steroid use, and criminal activities. No more sports heroes for me thank you very much. I’ll stick to the real heroes, our servicemen and women who sacrifice so these hulks can make millions of dollars and be praised by the masses.
Here are a few notable quotes, past and present, by some of those sports heroes. Thank God all of their colleges found a way to help them graduate.
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Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can’t really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to."
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season…"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." – Joe Theismann
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for four years, not Princeton."
Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: "I’ve won at every level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record: "We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play."
Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet."
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’ "
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What more needs to be said? The more they insist on standing up and talking to the media the more material I’ll have for postings like this. Keep close tabs on your sports programs for those pregame, half-time, and post game interviews. They’re almost as entertaining as the games.
Before I start to write this posting I’m required to put on my cowboy hat, my boots, and my big ugly belt buckle. Don’t misunderstand me, I am not a Country & Western fan in any sense of the word. Unfortunately my born and bred Texan better-half has been a life long fan of the genre. She roams from room to room through the house every day, turning on multiple radios to blare that good old down home music every effing minute. It keeps me out of the house doing fifty percent more yard work than I would normally do. Maybe that’s her sneaky Texas way of making me work harder. If I’ve learned nothing from our years together I have learned to keep a close watch on her, Texans are sneaky!
I had a wonderful day off today because my crazy better-half and her even crazier daughter are off on another adventure. They left early today to attend the Country-fest Concert at Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, Massachusetts. I’m sure they were cheering all the way to Mass but what they didn’t know was just how loud I was cheering to see them go. An entire day without listening to music that makes me cringe. I worked in the yard for a good part of the day with my IPod blasting a wide variety of Blues, Rock, and NO C&W.
I was receiving text messages and photos for most of the day telling me just what I was missing. I was missing endless traffic, Country music fans by the thousands, and an endless number of drunken bums wearing their boots and cowboy hats. I’ll just bet that ninety percent of those crazies have never been on a ranch or had a close and personal conversation with a horse. A whole lot of wannabes trying to impress a few young ladies with their swagger and y’all’s.
I had a great day until eleven pm when I was awakened from my blissful sleep by two tipsy cowgirls making their way home from Boston. My better-half was so horse I could barely understand her and all of the laughing and screaming in the background didn’t help either. She called to let me know when she’d be arriving and that she was going to "wake my ass up" whether I liked it or not. I mildly threatened to end her life, said goodnight, and went back to sleep. She arrived home in the wee hours, fell into bed, and barely woke me at all.
Waking up this morning I opened one eye to see if she was prowling around. Next to me under a huge pile of blankets and pillows I found what was left of my better-half. She was snoring like a truck driver, smelled like beer, and was dreaming about Kenny Chesney I’ll bet. Ya, I know at least one cowboy crooner’s name. Please don’t hold that against me, my survival instinct requires I know enough Country names and trivia to keep her happy.
Yee haw y’all !
"I’m sarcastic, it isn’t going to change, so get over it.” I should have that sentence made into a really long bumper sticker. Those of you out there who are my brothers and sisters in sarcasm will understand completely. Those of you who are immune to sarcasm, you have my deepest sympathies (NOT TRUE).
I came by my ability honestly to turn almost anything said to me into a reciprocal sarcastic reply with little or no effort. I began developing this superpower at age ten when I discovered that I could deflect parents, adults, and bullies with sarcasm which in turn kept me from being beaten, spanked, and bothered. I decided then and there that using wit, sarcasm, and glib remarks was a valuable tool and I should refine it. If used properly and politely along with clever conversation it can also make you a bit more desirable to the ladies (PROVEN FACT). That in itself justified all of the time and effort I put into becoming a sarcasm expert.
As always when I write about things I try to research the meanings of the words I’m using. All of the intellectuals who are responsible for compiling dictionaries and encyclopedias describe sarcasm very clinically and for the most part in a negative fashion as this will clearly show:
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In sarcasm, ridicule or mockery is used harshly, often crudely and contemptuously (NOT ALWAYS TRUE), for destructive purposes (NEVER). It may be used in an indirect manner and have the form of irony (THIS WOULD BE ME), as in "Your ass really looks great in that dress or ”What a fine musician you turned out to be!". It may also be used in the form of a direct statement, "You couldn’t play one piece correctly if you had two assistants." The distinctive quality of sarcasm is present in the spoken word and manifested chiefly by vocal intonation.
Hostile, critical comments may be expressed in an ironic way, such as saying "don’t work too hard" to a lazy worker (BEEN THERE, DONE THAT). The use of irony introduces an element of humour which may make the criticism seem more polite and less aggressive (ME AGAIN). Sarcasm can frequently be unnoticed in print form, oftentimes requiring the intonation or tone of voice to indicate the quip or a note added to let people know (SEE BELOW).
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Sarcasm is a tool and a god-given talent for some but really gets no respect (ME) and viewing sarcasm as a negative really doesn’t get to the truth of it. There are some people, highly intelligent and educated, who just don’t get sarcasm. I throw sarcasm into a conversation for good reason. It allows me to gauge who understands my humor and those who don’t. It also identifies those who may be potential targets without even being aware of it.
I try (MOST OF THE TIME) not to be disrespectful during those occasions because I never want to be perceived as mean or rude. I like a lot of laughter in my life and when the people around me don’t bring anything to the table I’ll create it for them (AT THEIR EXPENSE IF NECESSARY).
AND SO TO ALL OF YOU OUT THERE, HAVE A WONDERFUL AND GLORIOUS DAY (SARCASM OFF)
Welcome back to the next installment of E.U.T. (Every Useless Thing) University’s on-line education program. It’s the best known reservoir for totally useless knowledge and through our detailed courses of study we will explain many of those things that have puzzled mankind for centuries. Here are lesson plans #5 and #6. These topics are not common knowledge but we at E.U.T.U have searched for and found the truth just for you.
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Lesson #5 – How Did the “Missionary Position” Get It’s Name?
The missionary position is a position for sexual intercourse in which the man and woman lie facing each other, with the man on top of the woman. It is probably the best-known sexual position has been adopted by people for centuries.
The name of the position is widely thought to be derived from the early European missionaries, who discovered that native people in the New World were employing other unorthodox positions, such as the man penetrating the woman from behind. The missionaries taught the natives that couples facing each other was the only position that was acceptable to God (because it was more intimate, enabling both partners to see and kiss each other) and that any other position was considered unnatural. It is generally thought that these teachings were carried out by St. Paul who believed that the woman should be underneath the man during intercourse, while St. Augustine also taught that any other position was a sin against nature.
The term was first recorded in its popular definition in the 1960’s.
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Isn’t it amazing that so many of our current issues concerning sex and procreation were caused by a handful of prudish and allegedly holy men who passed it down to the “free love generation”. That irony at it’s very best.
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Lesson #6 – What is the G Spot and Where is It?
The G spot is a small area in a woman’s vagina that, when stimulated, is said to give her intense orgasms. It’s named after its discoverer Ernest Grafenberg, a German physician who conducted research on that area of the vagina in the 1950’s. In recent years.
The G spot is said to be located on the upper front vaginal wall, close to where the urethra joins the bladder. While its exact position can vary, it is commonly situated 2 to 3 inches inside the vagina, directly behind the pubic bone. It is the size of a small coin and has a spongy texture, distinguishing it from the otherwise smooth vaginal wall. Many women have difficulty in finding it, and some cannot find it at all.
The G spot is usually very sensitive and is capable of hardening and swelling. When pressure is applied to it, it can stimulate the need to urinate, and it might be the organ responsible for female ejaculation. One theory for the existence of this phenomenon is that during childbirth the head of the child pushes on the G spot, triggering the ejaculation, which lubricates the birth canal and helps with the final phase of birth.
Many people still maintain that the G spot doesn’t exist, or that it doesn’t contribute to orgasms in women. Others, meanwhile, claimed that it is part of the clitoris, the nerves of which penetrate deep below the surface.
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For all you men out there you can no longer deny the G spot’s existence or that you can’t to find it. The teachers from E.U.T.U. have spent countless hours and endless searching to find that magical spot, to map its location, and to supply that information to you. So guys, get off your ass and get out there and find that most important of female erogenous zones and don’t stop until you’ve been successful or you die trying.
These lessons will continue into many interesting areas that we at E.U.T.U. have been diligently researching. They will be published as soon as possible after being received in order to keep you up to speed. Your very welcome!
CLASS DISMISSED
Time for a journal entry and to play a little catch-up with what’s happening in my boring life. First things first; it’s freaking hot, second; it’s freaking humid, and thirdly; I’m freaking sweating my ass off. There, I don’t feel any cooler or any better but it just felt good to bitch at someone other than my better-half. She’s has that “I’m going to kill you if you whine about the heat just one more time”, look in her eyes. Truthfully she can be a little scary when provoked.
I decided to live in Maine for a number of reasons. I dislike hot weather and I thought by moving here I could escape the worst of it. Well that dream ended this year. I might as well be living in Florida, Arizona, or even freaking Death Valley. I think it’s time for the better-half and me to consider moving north a few hundred miles where it’s a bit cooler. The downside to that is we’d be living in Canada. That’s almost as bad as living where it’s too hot. In my humble opinion Canada sucks both politically and personally. That should piss a few people off but I don’t really care, it’s to hot to give a damn.
I started out a few days ago to get into the woods to try out my new 24.5 megapixel Nikon camera. I lasted about as long as it took me to drive to the area. I would have looked silly with my camera and other equipment pulling a little red wagon behind me filled with bottles of water. Just too effing hot.
The all knowing and all seeing weather forecasters are predicting a break in the heat sometime before I die. I try never to believe them because they seem to be more wrong than right. We had a short period last night of actual real wind. I went out on the deck to enjoy the breeze and found out something else entirely. Black flies apparently love a cool breeze too. Between them and the mosquitos I was screwed. I retreated back into the gigantic oven we call our home and turned on every ceiling fan I could find. It was like trying to watch TV while sitting on an airport runway.
So I’ve bitched and complained as much as I care to about the weather. It’s time to return to my life and the birthday party due to start in an hour. I’m doing all the cooking on a nice hot grill. I just can’t get a break.
Before I go I’d like to thank the new followers of this blog. I hope you others visit their sites and enjoy their blogs as much as I do. Thank you all:
Cooper1505, Joanna, Three Wise Guys Podcast, Jimmy Benton, All Most Relevant, Lampsonirvine, Marcela Cava Balsa, tedgaming, Political Connection,
urbanwallart, Pinkopolis, ikeiaconis, sexytoyworld, Chris Martin, Matthew Richards, Julian Sherman, dcardiff, Spinnos Manolis, gardenofyvonne, Frankie Leone, Mazhar, painting13, A Southern Butterbean in Maine, loveanddatingforsingles, Jack Media, Big Blogger of Knowledge, zma752,
James Curnow, and Your Daily Phil.
I hope all of you celebrated that fantastic and relatively new national observance yesterday, International Nude Day. Forevermore the fourteenth of July will be naked day, a day for streaking or strutting your stuff on the nude beach of your choice. I suppose if your exceptionally brave you can give it a go on a normal public beach but it could get a little dicey. You can never forget just how prudish and hypocritical we citizens of the United States can be.
We love our porn, prostitution is flourishing, dozens of skin magazines are published every month, and revealing clothing is the order of the day with most fashion houses and clothing retailers. Adult Shops and peep shows are thriving but if any young mother attempts to feed her infant in public, she’s ridiculed and forced to cover her breast, baby, and sometimes her head so as not to embarrass or shock anyone. It’s just ridiculous.
Hypocrisy comes easily to righteous people who criticize others for what they do themselves. That’s why I’m surprised this observance was ever enacted. Here’s a short blurb explaining just what’s going on.
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New Zealand’s (and now the world’s) National Nude day is not a public holiday but a day to celebrate the human form.
Brain child of former All Black and TV presenter Marc Ellis, National Nude Day (also now known as International Nude Day) is a celebration of the skin with much fun attached. The concept has been adopted by particularly Dunedin students (Scarfies) where getting nude is nothing new. Dunedin is a legend University City in the south of New Zealand.
Nude Day is a one day a year that all in NZ can celebrate nudeness, nakedness, being in the nuddy, running free in all your original raw beauty, putting on your best birthday suit. It’s day everyone can participate in, fat, skinny, big, small, firm, soft and the flabby can all get involved.
Everyone in the world celebrate your body and celebrate New Zealand and the Worlds Nude Day it’s liberating and it’s beautiful. Our bodies are the only things we own, be proud of them no matter what shape or size you are.
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So lets all get out there, strip off some clothing and show the world how sophisticated we pretend to be. Just get two or three friends and waltz along a crowded beach in the buff and watch the fun begin. The police would appear almost immediately. Probably quicker for a “naked” call than for a double murder. There’d be screaming, finger pointing, and panic among those well disguised God Squad members wearing their bikinis and thongs. Is being naked all that much different than that. I don’t think so. Plan on a grand celebration next year. Naked, dancing, strutting, and proud.
Earlier this week I spent some time ridiculing attorneys and criminal witnesses as to their unbelievable stupidity. I wouldn’t want anyone to think for a minute that my posting was meant to be malicious, just funny and ridiculous. I thought today I would include in my musings the behavior of really stupid criminals who make their attorney’s look like geniuses.
You have to admit that people who choose a life of crime aren’t too bright to start with. The following stories are actual tales about actual stupid criminals arrested within the last few years. You just can’t make this stuff up. Many years ago in my rookie year as a police officer my partner told me some valuable words of police wisdom. Since he was my training officer and had almost twenty-five experience on the job I listened intently. His philosophy about police work was this, "If it wasn’t for the stupid fucking criminals we’d never catch anyone." Here’s a few of them that were caught.
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A stupid thief pled guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief told a passerby he was going to rob the store, gave the man a dollar, and asked him to go inside and buy a scarf to help him hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took the dollar, went inside the store… and called the police.
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During a high school break-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two really stupid burglars found a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When they couldn’t figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn’t loaded and left it behind. The men apparently didn’t realize they’d been fooling around with a digital camera that allowed police to downloaded the snapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects were quickly arrested.
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A woman reported her car stolen and mentioned there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the telephone and told the moron that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and was interested in buying the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
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A dumb ass criminal on trial for drug possession in Pontiac, Michigan, said he’d been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn’t need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher’s jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
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A 21 year old idiot, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. He gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later he was arrested because information on the screen showed a two-year-old armed robbery warrant from St. Louis, Missouri. A huge dumb ass.
What did I tell you? I guess my old training officer was right on the money with his advice. Some things are just wisdom for the ages.
I receive a few emails each week and unfortunately some of them are more than a little rude. The people who send those messages apparently don’t wish to have their user ID’s published in my Comments section. Every once in a great while I receive something that makes me smile and when that occurs I pass it along to you.
Recently I was sent the following information from an anonymous emailer. He claimed he likes reading my postings that contain quotations. He collected a few of his own from friends and other unknown sources and sent them along. In my opinion they seem more like bumper stickers than quotations but I’m forwarding them along on the side chance you’ll get a chuckle or two. I’m also really glad I don’t know any of this guys friends because some of these are sooooo freaking lame. Hold your nose with one hand and read on.
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A day without sunshine is like, night.
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I just got lost in thought and believe me It was unfamiliar territory.
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Some days you’re the dog, and some days you’re the hydrant.
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99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
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A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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I just read that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are merging. It’ll be called You-Twit-Face.
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Politicians and diapers need to be changed regularly, usually for the same reason.
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Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
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Birds of a feather flock together, and crap on your car.
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I can resist everything except temptation.
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If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
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Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.
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I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
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Born free, taxed to death.
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Smile, it makes people wonder what you’re thinking.
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In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
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Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but if you think about it, neither does milk.
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In order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don’t need it.
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Silence is golden… duck tape is silver.
The only one I really liked and appreciated was the last one on the list. For some reason that one just clicked for me. At first I laughed and then after thinking about it for a moment or two realized just how true it is and laughed again. Sometime it’s necessary to break up the day with a little silliness and that one did it for me.
So here’s a special thanks to Mr. Anonymous for his contribution. Next time send me some actual quotations because I love reading them too.
I find women interesting and the older I get the more interesting they become. Highly emotional with all of the accompanying maternal instincts that pretty much control their lives. The consequences of being the child bearing gender are many but in small doses they aren’t too bad. As with everything else, too much of a good thing can end up being a real problem.
It’s been my observation that certain women have children, love them, raise them, and send them on their way. You’d think they’d be happy to have accomplished such a difficult task as having and then raising a child or two or three or even four. I guess it all depends on the individual woman.
Normally what occurs after the nest has been emptied is their subtle and sometimes subconscious need to try and refill it. Who’s the only logical candidate to help them accomplish that? The poor spouse or partner. He becomes the target of all those wonderful traits that attracted him to her in the first place. It’s a totally different situation when she begins treating her spouse or partner like he’s a prepubescent child. The hovering and constant nit-picking can drive a person over the edge.
How can a man deal with these problems without getting angry and hurting her feelings? Not an easy proposition but unless you find a solution there could be big trouble in River City.
Fortunately if the woman is reasonably aware of what she’s doing and after a period of time (hopefully short) and with the man’s help this phase will pass and life can return to normal (whatever that is). As a man your lucky if this Empty-Nest Syndrome passes quickly and the one thing that can make that happen is the arrival of that first grandchild. All of those pent up motherly feelings can now be targeted to the new baby which in turn makes the man’s life a little easier (but not for long).
Just when you think your life will finally calm down without any more unneeded drama the scariest thing you could ever imagine arrives, “THE CHANGE”. Night sweats, hot flashes, temper tantrums, and a really unfriendly alter-ego that turns your soulmate and life partner into Mrs. Hyde. It could take years for this to come and go and it is one helluva a rough ride for all involved.
I found out the hard way just how bad it can be but after much experimentation I discovered a simple way to short circuit the Change a little. You can’t cure the physical side effects of the Change but you can lessen the impact of the other symptoms with a healthy dose of humor. It’s almost impossible for her to be totally crazy if you can keep her laughing. Mix in healthy doses of hugging, touching, and other dangerous activities and you may just survive to reach the promised land. The promised land is that wonderful place where you can have all the sex you want without fear of pregnancy. It’s weird that Mother Nature makes you wait until old age for this to occur. It would have been nicer to have that luxury back in my thirties.
There you have it. You’re now in your sixties, retired, and have all the time in the world for all that sex you’ve always complained you never had time for. Unfortunately you also no longer have the kind of stamina that’s necessary to fulfill all of your insane sex fantasies. On top of that you have aches and pains in odd places making things even more interesting and difficult.
Mother Nature is one ironic and totally unfunny woman.
Have you ever had something piss you off so bad that you felt a sharp, stabbing pain behind your eyes. If you have then the following list will be perfect for you. I love reading lists and also love writing them from time to time. Most people are occasionally annoying but on their really bad days they make my list. These items have started this Summer Season with a vengeance.
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People who love to talk over me during a conversation make me want to scream.
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The person in front of me at the 14 item express register checkout with fifty items in his cart and a bad attitude when confronted.
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Waiting in my car at the ATM for fifteen minutes for some moron on foot makes a withdrawal.
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The guy in the men’s room stall at Wal-mart who leaves the stall in a condition that some people (but not me) might call a real “shit hole”.
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The attractive woman driving the gorgeous new Lexus who rolls down her window and spits a huge oyster into the passing lane. When you then look at her she resorts to giving you the dreaded “finger”.
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People who will stand quietly in line at a movie theatre but can’t shut up once the movie starts.
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People who have something important to tell me and then send me a four word text.
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People who are “close talkers” with chronic “stench” breath who won’t stop talking.
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Waiting endlessly in a register line for a customer to be trained in the use of their debit card by the cashier.
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People who insist on telling me their child is an honor student in some BS school with a freaking bumper sticker.
I feel much better now that I’ve gotten all of these off my chest. It’s a very cathartic experience to say the least and just might keep me from hurting myself and others.
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