Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category
If you ever move to Maine one of your favorite words will soon become the word SUCK. All forms of the word apply to so many things here you’re forced into learning how to use it properly. Follow along and learn just how versatile the word can be.
This SUCKY Maine winter continues but unfortunately for me I seem to be caught in a bad SUCK cycle right now. Did you ever have times where things start going wrong and just SUCK. They say that bad things come in threes but I’m no longer a believer in that old wives tale. For me 2014 has started on an ominous note where bad things came in groups or CLUSTER SUCKS.
My favorite computer on which I do all of my writing and photography has decided to start SUCKING. It contains my life as it currently exists which goes to show how bad my life SUCKS as well. As sad as that sounds this computer never has issues because I’ve protected it from viruses, mal-ware, and anything else I could think of. It’s been as reliable as any I’ve ever owned. Then I made the mistake of permitting an update to install from good old SUCKY Apple ITunes. Now I SUCK for being that stupid. From that point on my computer’s registry was damaged causing lots of SUCKY error messages that I’ve been unsuccessful in fixing. I’ve read everything and tried everything with no luck. I just wanted to scream but had no one to scream at. That SUCKS!
My next adventure began soon after the SUCKING computer nightmare. I was awakened two nights ago and my bedroom felt like the inside of a freezer. Someone who shall remain nameless and whose responsibility has always been keeping the house supplied with heating oil, dropped the ball. No heating oil during a cold week in Maine in the middle of Winter is the definition of SUCKING. Fortunately we have an oil delivery company that was able to respond within 24 hours and refilled the tank. For a change they didn’t SUCK. You’d think that our problems had been solved but not quite. When things begin to SUCK it then comes contagious.
It seems when a oil tank goes empty the new oil causes a vapor lock in the feeder line and won’t permit any to flow properly until the line has been cleared. That I’ve come to find out just SUCKS. In past years when this problem occurred it required an emergency service call that lasted only fifteen minutes and cost $150.00. That not only SUCKS but it’s also borderline extortion. The better-half and I immediately decided that we’d try to correct the problem ourselves this time around. After calling on informational resources from SEMI-SUCKY friends and a few SUCKY YouTube videos, an hour and three hundred SUCKY curse words later we had our heat back on. Good news, right? Not hardly. That’s an hour of my life I can’t afford to lose and that SUCKS.
Two hours later on this calm Maine winter night with no wind gusts, no ice storms, no sleet or any other related weather issues we lost all of our electric power in the house for some unknown but SUCKY reason. Since we live in an area where cell phones have difficulty receiving a signal we were stuck sitting in the dark and bitching to one another. That made for a really SUCKY few minutes of conversation, for sure. It was a double SUCKING kick in the ass because we have a whole-house generator that should have kicked on immediately. Guess what? It didn’t freaking work and that SUCKED.
We’re now back and operational but who needs the constant stress of SUCKY crap like this? Now every time the wind blows I’ll be holding my breath waiting for the power to fail with no operating generator. That will definitely SUCK once again when that repair bill arrives. If this is any indication of how the remainder of 2014 is going to be, we are screwed.
2014 SUCKS THE BIG ONE SO FAR
The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its prediction and then disappears. ~Bill Vaughn
Today is one of my favorite stupid and senseless holidays. It’s one that was cooked up by a bunch of German immigrants from Pennsylvania many years ago. As I’ve explained in years past, I’ve had an up-close and personal relationship with “Phil” and all of the nonsense that takes place in Punxatawney, PA.
It’s a tongue-in-cheek celebration to the entire world except for a few idiot local politician’s looking to get some face-time on the news. Even a groundhog is smart enough to know that there’ll be six more weeks of winter when it’s only freaking February.
As I surfed around today I found a web page that must be having a really slow month when it published the following list of eleven reasons why we should be celebrating this auspicious occasion.
11. It’s on nearly every calendar.
10. Helps relieve cabin fever.
9. Spring or not, it’s six weeks till St Urho’s Day.
8. Forecast is no less reliable than the National Weather Service.
7. At least one of them critters is bound to see things your way.
6. Valentine’s Day is too depressing for nerds.
5. Unlike the Easter bunny, he keeps his dirty paws outside.
4. As they used to say on radio: “The Shadow knows”.
3. It’s fun to say “Punxsutawney”.
2. If a rodent can bring us an early spring, more power to him.
1. In Minnesota, either way we come out ahead.
Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. ~Maori Proverb
I apologize if you nodded off midway through that list. I’m not saying I could have done better but OMG. I think the author might have reconsidered that list when both of his hands fell asleep as he typed it. They were that bored. It is just a real yawner . . . . .
“The trouble with weather forecasting is that it’s right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it.” ~Patrick Young
I know that many of you think Groundhog Day is lame but this year the impossible finally happened to make it unlame. Some NFL genius scheduled the Superbowl on Ground Hog Day just so they could steal some of good old “Punxatawney Phil’s” thunder. It’s just those damn sports fanatics attempting to glom on to Phil’s fan base. Just a shameless maneuver on their part.
HAPPY GROUND HOG DAY EVERYONE
SEATTLE RULES!!
I’m a former Vet who is now in his sixties and I fondly remember most of my service time both in the United States and overseas. I received the following email from my nephew in Texas, also a former Vet, and it made me laugh out loud. The fact that some of it makes good sense is beside the point. I did a little editing to clean it up some and here it is. I’m considering sending a copy to Mr. Obama. He’s always looking for a good program or two to shove through Congress. I use the terminology “shove through” in the most respectful way, of course.
Send to All Vets over 60 Years Old
I‘m over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You currently can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they should be sending us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. “My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry”, we’re impatient and maybe letting us kill a few assholes that desperately deserve it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old hates getting up before 10 a.m while us old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, “I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up and killing some of those fanatical S-O-B’s.”
If captured, we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house and away from all the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course as well. I’ve been in combat and have never seen a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor have I ever done any pushups since completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy too. I’ve never seen anyone yet who could outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start up a conversations with pretty girls and he has yet to figure out that a baseball cap has a brim used to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them into harm’s way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowardly terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons coming towards them. A gang of old mean men who know their best years are already behind them. Look out.
P.S. How about recruiting Women over 50 especially those in menopause. You think men have bad attitudes, OMFG. If nothing else, put them on border patrol, they’ll have it secured the first night.
Yikes!
It’s a terrible thing to be bored. It’s doubly terrible when you’re in Maine and it’s Winter. It feels like being up in the air on the “Vomit Comet” flying very high, then diving straight down, and then pulling back up again to what is supposed to be normal. That weightlessness between dives in my mind is the ultimate boredom. You’re just floating around in a pointless manner, accomplishing nothing, and feeling even worse.
Maybe if you were like me and had a fifty year love affair with adrenaline, the ultimate aphrodisiac, it would help you to understand a little. Hang gliding, sky diving, bungee jumping, and smashing down doors to apprehend criminals or mental patients can in no way be considered boring. Defying death or serious injury was never the point for me. The point was experiencing the dangers and not giving a shit what happened. Putting your entire existence into the hands of fate and doing so with no regrets. Most people never get to that point and don’t really want to, unless they can feel the adrenaline rush without committing to the danger.
So you have your regular run-of-the-mill boredom and then there’s the adrenaline-free boredom which is even worse. I’m drifting through life living vicariously through my own past experiences to help keep my head above water. Unfortunately once you reach a certain age with all of the physical limitations that come with it, your choices become strictly limited. Writing a blog, painting a picture, sculpting, sketching, remodeling a home or even walking in the woods are a just a stupid laundry list of poor substitutes.
I actually attempted for a while to live vicariously through others but OMG what a mistake. Many of the people in my sphere of influence, not all of course, put me into a deathlike comma. They’re lives have taken boredom to new heights and they don’t know the difference since they have nothing to compare it to. I may sound a little harsh in my criticisms but so what.
So I’ll start another day writing this blog, walking a couple of miles on my treadmill, reading a book, watching some TV, petting my cat, and then walking outside and screaming at the top of my effing lungs. Now don’t you feel a hundred percent better about your life? You should.
Here are a few boring things from my list of thousands.
- Celebrity Worship
- Baseball (Except for Little League)
- Soccer (I don’t consider it a real sport.)
- Politics and Politicians (Pundits and Talk Shows too)
- Sermons (Religious or Otherwise)
- Musicals
- Shopping War Stories
- Vampires
- Werewolves
- “Wives of” (From any City. State, Country, or Planet)
- Sports
- Country Music
- Waiting Rooms
- Commercials of Any Kind
- Soap Operas
You must have gathered by now, I’m not a big fan of celebrities. Most celebrities just aren’t worth my time and effort to write about them. I’m not saying all of them are fake but a vast majority appear to be. I do understand that some of them, and I do mean “SOME”, are talented in various disciplines and that I do appreciate. My biggest complaint is their effect on the culture with their stupid and uninformed opinions and thoughts. They may have talent and fame but it doesn’t make them any smarter than the rest of us. They allow themselves to be used by politicians to affect the vote in ways that I disagree with. Their influence among our younger generations with silly and sometimes stupid statements causes more problems than it solves. Here’s a few examples of these fine upstanding citizens and the things they say and think.
- “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”
– Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
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“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” – Mariah Carey
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“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” – Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
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“I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.” — Britney Spears
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“I’m not anorexic. I’m from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I’ve never heard of one. And that includes me.” — Jessica Simpson
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“I am convinced that by eating biological foods it is possible to avoid a tumor.” – Gwyneth Paltrow
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“It’s OK to have beliefs, just don’t believe in them.” – Guy Ritchie
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“What’s Walmart, do they like make walls there?” – Paris Hilton
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“When I pictured heroin, I pictured some crazy crack-head with no shoes under a bridge. You never think that is going to be you. And it never was me. I was never under a bridge, and I always had shoes. – Nicole Richie
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“If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, there’s still a 30% chance we’re going to get it wrong.” – Joe Biden
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“It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.” – Axl Rose
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“All of the sudden, you’re like the Bin Laden of America. Osama Bin Laden is the only one who knows what I’m going through.” – R. Kelly
These are the role models our younger generations look up to and attempt to emulate. I always thought that the obsession with celebrities faded as we aged but I was wrong. I recall years ago teasing my seventy year old mother when she said she would have thrown her panties on stage for Tom Jones. Same obsession, different approach.
I guess I just dislike fake people. If you’re a great singer or actor with loads of talent why change your name. Stand up, be proud, and be who you really are. Here’s a list of just a few celebrities who’ve been convinced by the Hollywood types to not just change their names but to remove their real identities as people. This is a very small sampling of this nonsense.
Pat Benatar = Patricia Andrejewski
Bono = Paul Hewson
Alice Cooper = Vincent Funnier
Elvis Costello = Declan Patrick McManus
Tom Cruise = Thomas Cruise Mapother IV
Vin Diesel = Mark Vincent
Kathie Lee Gifford = Kathie Epstein
Whoopie Goldberg = Caryn Johnson
Ice Cube = Oshea Jackson
Ice-T = Tracy Morrow
Elton John = Reginald Dwight
Wynonna Judd = Christina Ciminella
Queen Latifah = Dana Owens
Courtney Love = Michelle Harrison
Elle MacPherson = Eleanor Gow
Barry Manilow = Barry Alan Pincus
Marilyn Manson = Brian
Demi Moore = Demetria Guynes
Joan Rivers = Joan Sandra Molinsky
Johnny Rotten (Sex Pistols) = John Lydon
Winona Ryder = Winona Horowitz
Susan Sarandon = Susan Tomaling
Jane Seymour = Joyce Franked berg
Sting = Gordon Sumner
Randy Travis = Randy Traywick
Sid Vicious = John Simon Ritchie
Raquel Welch = Raquel Tejada
Gene Wilder = Jerome Silberman
Tammy Wynette = Wynette Pugh
What kind of person so easily gives up their real name? How do their other family members feel about it? I have a feeling in some close-knit families this could become a major problem and create a lot of hard feelings. I know if I had a son or daughter talented enough to be given that choice, they’d keep their name and be damn proud of it. Just ask the Wahlberg brothers or the Baldwin family. Proud of who they are and not ashamed to admit it.
A long time ago in a blog that is now far, far, away I posted a four part list of the one hundred things I hated the most. I spent a lot of time compiling that list and after posting it I went on about my life. I never thought much more about it until yesterday when I spotted a few websites indicating everyone is hating something these days. After reading through almost a hundred lists I had an epiphany. All of a sudden I seemed like the calm, reserved, and thoughtful person and the rest of the world appears populated by a new generation of haters. Some how I’d been dropped very far down the list of haters and that pissed me off a little.
I took a sampling of a few things that seem to show up on many of the lists including my own. I’ll list a few to give you an idea exactly what I’m talking about.
Know-It-All’s
People Who talk Over You
Google Obsessed People
People Who Don’t Get Sarcasm
Tyra Banks
STD’s
Back Seat Drivers
Web Page Ads
Discourteous Public Bathroom Users
Liars
Loud People
Politicians
Commercials
Procrastinators
Drama Queens
Evangelists
Bad Drivers
OBX Stickers
Global Warming Idiots
Mimes
Some of those items are funny, some seem to make good sense but most are just ho-hum or so it seems to me. Since “I HATE” being left behind I thought it would be cool if I brought my list back from the archives, updated it a bit, and send it your way. After going through that process I discovered that I’ve mellowed a great deal in the intervening years and my list has shrunk to only 52 items. I was forced to revaluate the old list with the eye of a retired person. Many things that used to piss me off no longer bother me at all. It’s all just slightly amusing to me at this point in time.
So, here’s my newly revised list. It’s a very cathartic process doing a large list like this, you should try it yourself. Don’t be afraid, no one will really HATE you for doing it. Just don’t use any real names and your good to go. So here I go.
Stupid People
Rosie O’Donnell
Unibrow Women
Homeless People
Dirty Finger Nails
Criminals
Funerals
Backward Baseball Caps
Large Groups of People
Penn & Teller
Dumb Cashiers
Stinky Feet
Hairy Bushes
Terrorists
Know-It-All’s
Hospitals
Oprah Winfrey
Will Ferrell
The Smell of Urine
Women Missing Teeth
Political Correctness
Liberals
Boogers
Clowns
Liars
Ear Hair
Doctors
Large Aureoles
Dirty Toilets
Roadside Death Shrines.
Extra Toes
Nose Hair
Jehovah Witnesses
Salesmen
Vegans
Ass Kissers
Autopsy’s
Stinky Breath
Illegal Aliens
Democrats
Wet Farts
Performing Artists
Ugly Feet
Sean Penn
Stinky Garbage
Arrogant People
Inverted Nipples
Noisy Radios
The French
Hairy Nipples (On Women)
Yellow Nail Polish
Gossips
Baby Pageants
Texting While Driving
Granny Panties
Penis Caught in Zipper
Tail Gater’s, Stinky Arm Pits
You’ve been the recipient of the Official Every Useless Thing Hate List for 2014. Make up your own list. Once you get start listing it becomes almost a living thing. You just keep on going and going and going and you have to force yourself to stop.
I’m a huge critic of the media but at the same time I try to remain fair in that criticism, Truthfully, I hate them all. When this government of ours was created the Media was to be a watchdog on those politicians known for being corrupt and wasteful with our tax dollars. The process begins to breakdown once the Media becomes a tool of the government. You can see it now with Obama putting the Media through it’s paces with little or no criticism of any wrongdoing. They worship the ground he walks on and it’s pitiful. I think the turning point was reached when all of the largest newspapers and Media outlets were purchased by corporate America. It’s was a “Kiss of Death” to our democracy as it was meant to be.
The Media has the luxury of editing and reporting only those things that agree with their political agendas as directed by the corporate bosses. The good quality journalists have become extinct and are only talked about around the water coolers of the surviving newsgroups. What we have now are over educated talking heads who are news readers rather than investigative reporters. The following list is humorous but at the same time just reinforces my thoughts on the subject.
How do you like these idiotic headlines written by alleged reporters, edited by alleged editors, and published as shown. Unbelievable is the word your looking for. Here we go.
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE – ONE DIES
TWO SISTERS REUNITE AFTER EIGHTEEN YEARS AT CHECKOUT COUNTER
NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES FROM LOVED ONE
NICARAGUA SETS GOAL TO WIPE OUT LITERACY
DRUNK DRIVERS PAID $1,000 IN 1984
AUTOS KILLING 110 A DAY, LET’S RESOLVE TO DO BETTER
IF STRIKE ISN’T SETTLED QUICKLY IT MAY LAST A WHILE
WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE
SMOKERS ARE PRODUCTIVE, BUT DEATH CUTS EFFICIENCY
COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
CHILD’S DEATH RUINS COUPLE’S HOLIDAY
BLIND WOMAN GETS NEW KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN’T SEEN IN YEARS
MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN
SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERTS SAY
DEATH CAUSES LONELINESS, FEELING OF ISOLATION
Remember what you’ve read here when they begin telling you how to think and vote. Believe nothing they say unless you can verify it though other reliable sources. It’s your country, take the time and make the effort.
I’m declaring today as Silly Day. As I’m feeling right now I have no interest in anything important. I don’t want to discuss the problems of our society, questions about the universe or the reason why my legs and butt cheeks hurt when I get up in the morning. None of that is least bit important today.
I have quite the collection of quotes and sayings and adages for every occasion but today Silly and Stupid reign supreme. The following tidbits address just about anything you’d like to think about and do so in a silly and stupid way. These tidbits have been obtained from all sorts of strange and wonderful sources from TV shows, philosophers, and even a comedian or two.
We all need to laugh once in a while. Enjoy!
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Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. – Rita Mae Brown
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A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him. – Sir Winston Churchill
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Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off. – Anonymous
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Dance until your feet hurt. Sing until your lungs hurt. Act until you’re William Hurt. – Phil Dunphy of Modern Family
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Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. – Carl Zwanzig
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Home is heaven and orgies are vile but I like an orgy, once in a while. – Ogden Nash
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A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. – Jack Benny
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I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. – Fred Allen
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Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker. – From the movie Naked
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Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you. – Colin Sautar
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Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years. – Anonymous
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A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge. – Robert Brault
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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. – Anonymous
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She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. – Mae West
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She was what we used to call a suicide blond – dyed by her own hand. – Saul Bellow
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After all, what is your host’s purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. – P.J. O’Rourke
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I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. – Elayne Boosler
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If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me. – Song title by Jimmy Buffet
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Man was predestined to have free will. – Hal Lee Luyah
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Maybe this world is another planet’s hell. – Aldous Huxley
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Murphy was an optimist. – O’Toole’s Commentary
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The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. – Bill Watterson
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You can’t have everything… where would you put it? – Steven Wright
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He’s turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed. – Harry Kalas
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I plan on living forever. So far, so good. – Anonymous
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Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter. – Anonymous
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Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad. – P.D. East
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As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around. – Robert Brault
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I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants. – Dave Beard
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There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family. – Jerry Seinfeld
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And on the eighth day God said, “Okay, Murphy, you’re in charge!” – Anonymous
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When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football. – Anonymous
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A great name for a new country song: If I’d Shot You Sooner, I’d Be Out of Jail by Now. – Anonymous
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. – Fred Allen
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Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. – H.L. Mencken
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A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. – Anonymous
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A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t. – Anonymous
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All generalizations are bad. – R.H. Grenier
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All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. – Jane Wagner, The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe
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The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away. – Tom Waits
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Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. – Attributed to both Jason Hutchison and John Benfield
Did I lie? Silly and Stupid. I just felt like lightening matters up today because if I take a peek into the real world it depresses the hell out of me. Politics sickens me and listening to drug company commercials and the constant stream of advertisements on every bit of media almost every second of every day of every year for the rest of my effing life makes me want to scream out loud.
The weekend is coming, so let this steaming pile of minutia get you in the right frame of mind.
Odd Thought: I have a question. Does it mean anything at all that January is Self-Love Month? My follow-up to that question is this: Does it mean anything that the last week of the month is set aside as Meat Week? And lastly does it mean anything at all that the last Saturday of the month is National Seed Swap Day? I was just wondering, that’s all.
I have a lot of questions like that and they never seem to get answered. What possesses people to do questionable and rude things? Is it sheer stupidity or is it a complete and total disregard of every other person on the planet? In order to find answers to that question I usually spend a little time cruising around Walmart. It’s amazing just how many rude and inconsiderate people can be found in that one building.
This has been a week of Walmart for me. I was almost run down and injured by a rather large woman with a cart full of merchandise that was so full it was overflowing and falling on the floor. She pushed me out of the way in order to get 4 feet ahead of me in line at the checkout register. Being the calm and polite person that I am I quietly asked, “Ma’am just what the hell do you think your doing?” She gave me a rather dirty look, turned her back to me and began throwing her merchandise onto the register counter. I was then forced to wait even longer when she had an issue over the use of an EBT card. That’s a food stamp card for those of you not in the know. She was pissed off that the cashier was questioning her purchases of alcohol. Go figure.
How many times have you sat and patiently waited for a parking spot to clear and then have some A-hole pull in from the other direction in front of you? It happens all too often for my liking but unless your willing to risk some sort of “road rage” incident your forced to swallow your pride and just “let it go”. How many times does it have to happen before you flip out completely and create a huge scene and argument? In my younger days I was one of the guys who wouldn’t put up with that crap and came close to fisticuffs a number of times. That was when I finally became aware that there are large numbers of people out there who are total and complete morons. And don’t get me started on the rudeness displayed with cell phone usage. That’s a whole other posting that will be addressed soon.
I’m not just picking on Walmart customers because these incidents occur with people driving those big expensive SUV’s as well who think that we peons are just inconveniences to be dealt with when we interfere with their activities. More inconsiderate well-to-do A-holes.
Years ago I spent a few bucks on adhesive paper that fit my inkjet printer and printed up a number of of small bulletin cards for addressing parking lot rudeness, driving rudeness, and other sorts of inconsiderate activities that pissed me off. If someone blocked me in or parked in an inconsiderate manner I’d slap one of my adhesive bulletins on their windshield directly blocking their view from the drivers seat. It took a little elbow grease and a lot of cursing for them to remove those bulletin from the windshield but it was oh so satisfying for me as I drove away.
I think it’s time to reinvent my bulletins. I’ll refresh the wording a little and make them even more polite than usual. It has much more of an effect on rude people when you politely tell them they’re rude and inconsiderate. I’ll start carrying a supply of them with me again and begin making their lives as miserable as they make mine. By doing it this way I avoid those dangerous confrontations while still getting my points across.
Once I start passing them out I’ll keep you posted on the results. This is the only safe way I can think of to make them aware of my unhappiness and just how stupid, inconsiderate, and ignorant they seem to be.
Revenge is sweet regardless of what all those the do-gooder’s tell you.
P.S. And yes I understand that they may think that I’m rude and inconsiderate by my actions. Consider for a minute the source of that criticism and then “let it go”.
It’s been another interesting few days. My favorite schizophrenic bitch, Mother Nature, has returned with a vengeance once again. Maine is already well known as being a weather nightmare with constantly changing conditions but it seems to have gotten a bit worse in recent months. Let me explain just a bit.
Four days ago we were in the midst of a blizzard and over the course of a week we received approximately 3- 4 feet of snow. The snow was bad enough but then the temperatures dipped to a really tropical -25° and it wasn’t pretty. I’m not even taking into consideration the wind-chill factor at the time which took the “feel like” temps even lower.
I’ve said on many occasions that I love winter and I love snow but OMG this has been ridiculous. Fortunately those of us living in Maine are normally well prepared for cold weather more than many other places in the country. That being said it’s still difficult to function outdoors during subzero weather regardless of how prepared you think you are.
We waited for a few days for the weather to break and for temperatures to rise to a reasonable level but yet again Mother Nature had other plans. The temperature did rise into the mid 30s which was a relief for everyone because the worry of frozen water pipes finally disappeared. I rolled out of bed as I normally do the next morning and thought I was dreaming. It was raining so hard I thought I was imagining things but I wasn’t. As the rain continued for almost a full day it began to melt the snow and the combination of the two water sources brought an immediate rash of flash flood warnings. Just what we needed to keep things interesting.
After all that, last night after the rain stopped, I walked out of my garage and found my driveway to be suitable for a professional hockey game. All that water and slush had frozen solid and was as hard as concrete. It was then I decided to listen to the experts and I returned to the house, closed the door, turned up the heat and turned on the television. Thank God for our electric blanket is all I can say. I found myself over the last few days spending a lot of time in bed watching TV because it’s the only place in the house that was warm and comfortable enough.
The recent forecasts indicate little or no relief in sight which is the last thing any of us wanted to hear. We’re certainly not alone since most of the country is suffering from similar weather conditions or worse. It’s time to dig into the closet and find those ugly old long-johns, wool socks, and knit caps. There’s nothing more attractive and sexy than climbing into bed with your better-half wearing everything including a parka with a big furry hood and insulated gloves. That’s a centerfold picture no one wants to see.
The wind is howling outside the window as I’m writing and we’re all waiting patiently for the next surprise from good old Mother Nature. Maybe locust! Stay safe and stay warm and welcome to the new Ice Age.
P.S. Bye the way, here’s a big one finger salute to all of you “Global Warning” idiots.
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