Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category
I thought an update might be warranted since I left in such a hurry yesterday. I’ll make it short and sweet. My leg was broken and the knee was badly bruised but oddly enough I had very little pain with either injury. My better-half arrived in short order and whisked me away to the local Emergency Room.
I was then lucky enough to spend a great part of my day sitting on my ass in the Emergency Room. First I got to chat with a fortyish women at the main desk who must have had her personality removed surgically. It was like trying to talk to my computer. When she was finished annoying me I was wheeled down the hall about ten feet to a waiting room where I sat for twenty minutes. A rather large but friendly woman whose job it was to obtain all of my personal information then took twenty minutes doing it. That’s just the hospital’s routine of getting all of my insurance information and anything else that may help them avoid a lawsuit down the road. With my leg still sticking up in the air I was jockeyed around the corner, thirty feet away, for another fifteen minutes where I was soon discovered by their computer geek who entered all of my data into their computer system and then filled my pockets with a huge pile of forms that further explained the hospitals privacy laws to me. Ho Effing Hum!
An hour and a half has now passed and I have yet to see or smell a doctor. I’m taken to an freezing cold examination room where I sat for another half hour and still no doctor. A young lady who looked twenty but sounded thirteen pushed me and my new best friend, the wheelchair, down the hall to x-ray. I was back in twenty minutes and told to wait for the doctor to arrive to explain things to me.
I become bored at that point and started nosing around their little room. As a payback for their insensitivity in leaving me sitting forever I managed to stand long enough to steal a dozen sets of really nice latex gloves from a dispenser on the wall. The next time I’m slicing and dicing hot peppers I can use those gloves and just grin a little.
Fifteen minutes later the doctor walks into the room, introduces himself, and states emphatically “it’s broken”. He drops another handful of forms on the table explaining how to use my new crutches. A nurse shows up and slaps on three ace bandages, a temporary splint, gives me a set of crutches, and the name and telephone number of an orthopedic doctor I need to call for an appointment. She advised that if I called as soon as possible I might get lucky and get in to see the doctor within a day or so. I was wheeled to my car, patted on the head, and sent on my way.
That was three hours of my life I’ll never get back. All I really received was a grand tour of their facility, free use of a wheelchair for three hours, three ace bandages, a fiberglass splint, and a really lovely pair of crutches. Fortunately I called the orthopedist from my car and was able to get an appointment for tomorrow. It would have been easier and cheaper just to cut the damn leg off and call it a day.
Trust me, I’ll keep you updated.
I love the English language. I jut wanted to put that out there to help readers understand this blog is not TWITTER. Here at Every Useless Thing we need way more than 140 characters to make a point. The Twitter language which has been developing for the youngest of the sound bite generations leaves me #effingcold. If you’re a constant Twitter user then you’ve already begun to think in their terms as well as write that way. Twitter is in too much of a hurry for me which results in a blog here that’s comfortable to read and comment on. Relax, enjoy and don’t stress out trying to get all of your thoughts on a complex subject jammed into 140 characters. Let’s begin.
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One of the more interesting things for me in the language are palindromes. For those of you who don’t know, palindromes are words or phrases that spell the same forward and backward. The palindromic words are cool but the phrases are mind boggling.
Two Words
Dump mud.
Party trap
Stack cats.
Short Phrases
Never odd or even.
Live not on evil.
Pa’s a sap.
Pull up, Bob, pull up.
Crazy Phrases
We panic in a pew.
Mr. Owl ate my metal worm.
Did Mom poop? Mom did.
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I’ve always been a big fan of Harry S. Truman. A down-to-earth president who had the unique ability to cut right threw the normal political BS and get to the point. Reporters in those days must have loved covering him. Here’s one of my favorite Truman quotes:
“Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day”
Another of my favorites was H. L. Mencken. I’m especially awed by anyone who can become so famous that his words and phrases are quoted endlessly by millions of people. He was something I’ve aspired to be my whole life. A genuine “wise ass”. Here’s a few of his more interesting thoughts:
“Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage.”
A statement more true now than ever before in our history. Here’s another:
“A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.”
I’ve been called a cynic by some and I wear that as a badge of honor. Without we cynics everyone would be an idealist. Mencken had a thought about them as well.
“An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.”
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Here’s an interesting Star Wars factoid. The name of R2-D2 came about while George Lucas was filming American Graffiti. During a sound-mixing session, editor Walter Murch asked him for R2, D2 (Reel 2, Dialogue 2) of the film. Lucas liked the name so much that he made a note of it, and eventually found the right character for it.
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What famous Hollywood comedian said the following": “I learned about sex watching neighborhood dogs. The most important thing I learned was: Never let go of the girl’s leg no matter how hard she tries to shake you off.
nitraM evetS
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That’s enough of this mind numbing useless crap for today. There’s much more to come in the future and I’m sure you’re thrilled to death knowing that. Over and out from a cynical wiseass.
Doing a journal entry today is what I hope will be the beginning of a lazy day. My better-half is gone until Monday to see her parents in Delaware and to spend a little quality time with her sister in Maryland. She’s on a short four day vacation but guess what, it’s also a vacation for me and the cat.
The cat doesn’t say much but I know he’s been enjoying himself a great deal. He finally has total control and ownership of her half of the bed and is making the most of it. He’s not all that big but if he sprawls out he can cover a pretty large area. He hasn’t left the bed for more than a few minutes since she departed and I’m sure I can anticipate an interesting evening on Monday when she returns. Since the cat can be almost as stubborn as my better-half it should be quite a show.
I was able to get a lot of tasks completed yesterday and spent a few hours running from store to store. Shopping is always a chore because I find myself more interested in people watching than roaming mindlessly around looking for deals. I avoided Walmart completely because people watching there is no longer a challenge. Weirdo’s, freaks, and oddballs as far as the eye can see and that’s just the employees.
I visited another local establishment to look for a few used books and possibly a movie or two. I picked up a copy of Steven Spielberg’s Artificial Intelligence. It was a little cheaper than I thought it should be which usually means that it sucks and unfortunately it did. After watching it last night I discovered that even the great Spielberg can drop the ball every so often. I dearly love science-fiction but this move was a real stinker. Lesson learned, buy no movies from that store that are priced less than four dollars.
My dieting continues and I’m into my third month. My bodies adjusted to both the changes in my diet as well as the ever increasingly difficult exercise program. The workouts have become a normal part of my weeks activities and I’m finally comfortable with them. I’m down twenty-five pounds and going strong. I hit a plateau that lasted for almost a week where my weight refused to budge but after adjusting the workout routine I finally broke through it. It was frustrating as hell to be working so hard and seeing no results. At that time I was exercising twice a day, seven days a week. I cut back to one session a day, five days a week, and almost instantly began to lose weight again. The more weight I lose the harder it’s becoming but I just have to persevere and stay mentally strong. I’m more than half-way to my goal and that keeps me going.
As I mentioned, today is a down day for me. Nothing too strenuous, no exercising, and no errand running or shopping. I plan on watching a little TV and reading a lot. The Maine weather has gotten considerably colder in the last week so staying in and enjoying the quiet time is the perfect thing to do. Nothing is better than a hot coffee, a good book, and a lot of peace and quiet.
This is my 364th straight day of posting without either graphics or catchy headlines to grab your attention. My goal of one complete year without missing a day will be completed tomorrow. Hooray for me. I’ll be starting the second year of this blog with a fresh outlook, a clear head, catchy headlines, and all the photo’s necessary to keep it interesting.
Why are farts and farting so funny? I don’t have the answer to that either but you have to admit the subject is always hilarious and 99% of the population would agree. As I’ve traveled around I’ve become attuned over time to those particular body movements when one is on the way and the ever so unusual sounds used in attempts to disguise those SBD’s (Silent But Deadly).
Yesterday was a good example. I stopped by a local Target store to pickup a few items. The place was crowded with the normal assortment of customers all roaming around doing shopping stuff. I was walking through the Kitchen Department minding my own business when I walked into a cloud of what can only be called toxic fumes. About five steps away from me was the only other occupant of the aisle and the obvious depositor of that nasty gas cloud. She refused to look at me and stood quietly staring at her shoes. If she thought playing possum was going to work she had another think coming. I slowly edged toward her as I was pretending to peruse the items on the shelf hoping to pull the cloud along with me. Of course I was holding my breath the entire time. She waited until I was very close and then glanced my way and smiled a cutesy little grin. She then squirmed a little which should have been a red flag for me and quickly walked away. I took one additional step and got nailed by another fart cloud that was so bad my eyes began watering and making it impossible to see for a few seconds. The perp had disappeared in that cloud of noxious fumes after her successful double ambush. She was one of those perverted types who love to stick around to watch their victims suffer. For someone so young she was a real pro.
My father would have been so proud of her. He was a master of filling an aisle with a nasty fart and then walking away. His farts had a "hang time" of five or six minutes which I’ve never been able to duplicate. He would stand in the next aisle and get off listening to the people gag and curse as they were enveloped. He never felt the need to stick around and see his results in person.
I felt a little violated and somewhat disgusted by her cowardly act of fart terrorism. I decided to do the normal and well thought out thing, revenge. It was time to locate and identify another unsuspecting victim and pass it on.
You need to remember that for the last two months I’ve been strictly following a diet which requires that I eat tons of vegetables. I’ve become a stinky, nasty, and disgusting fart machine. I no longer have total control of my farting and seem to be farting non-stop most of the time. I walked into the Cosmetic Department and settled in to lay my trap. An older woman and her two young daughters made the mistake of cruising through the danger zone. I laid down a path of cucumber and onion gas that was so bad I had to leave immediately. I stood nearby and waited and discovered that Mom had some mouth on her. She was gagging and cursing loudly and the two girls immediately fled the scene. They wanted that to avoid the gas cloud and also the embarrassment of their Mommy’s trash mouth. I freaking loved it.
You have to admit, that was damn funny. I know my later father is up there in heaven (maybe) and laughing his ass off. He was always big on upholding family traditions and would be happy as hell to see that I’m still carrying on one of his favorites. Now for a funny fart joke and I’m done for today.
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I’ve got the farts. I mean I fart all the time."
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can’t hear them. It’s just that I fart all the time. Look, we’ve been talking here for about 10 minutes and I’ve farted five times. You didn’t hear them and you don’t smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor.
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
One last tidbit of a few new fart euphemisms I stumbled upon:
Mud Duck
Trouser Cough
Crack Splitters
Turd Tooties
Anal Audio
Great Brown Cloud
Have a wonderful day and be careful out there. You’ll never know which aisle will be “The One” until it’s too late.
Yesterday I was a little bored which might explain why I was visiting Craig’s List. I’m not a huge fan of the site because getting up close and personal with anonymous crazies is not my thing. The history of Craig’s List and it’s problems are well known and need no further explanations from me. I do enjoy reading many of their ads which can be both unusual and occasionally funny.
Funny ads are nothing new. Over the years I’ve been drawn to newspapers and magazine ad sections to get a laugh or two. The Penny Saver newspapers and their ilk are by far the best. The following collection includes a few of those types of ads that made me “laugh out loud” when I read them. It amazes me how the ad writers can inject such humor into their ads and most times don’t even realize it.
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FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB —
$850/best offer
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX,
COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS FOR SALE.
NEVER BRED CALVES.
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR. WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW.
SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES
GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN – 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED – USED ONCE
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT…
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE A REWARD.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS – $175.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE…
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
SELLING WASHER & DRYER $300.
OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS, FOR SALE BY OWNER
COMPLETE SET OF ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA. 45 VOLUMES. EXCELLENT CONDITION. $1,000.00 NEGOTIABLE. NO LONGER NEEDED. RECENTLY MARRIED; WIFE KNOWS EVERYTHING
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Why is it that spontaneous and unplanned humor like these ads can be funnier that a lot of the professionally constructed jokes we hear every day. I find this stuff hilarious and there seems to be an endless supply.
Believe it or not I’m a really a sensitive guy. You really can’t listen to rumor or the personal opinions of people who may be biased in some fashion. With that being said I need to remind everyone that it’s mid-October here in Maine, the warm weather is slowly fading away leaving us with crisp and cold nights and sunny days with chilly winds. Now that you’ve been given the official EveryUseLessThing weather report you understand it’s that time of the year for the anticipated “change of season”. We’ve now seen the return of football, new TV programming, and the soon to be migration of hundreds of thousands of senior citizens making their Fall pilgrimage to look at the freaking leaves. This is also the time of the year where my better-half and I begin our annual Fall battle over heating the house.
Those of you who heat with heating oil understand just how much money is spent on keeping the home fires burning through a long New England winter. With the costs of heating oil skyrocketing every year at this time, every drop you save is money in your pocket. As much as I agree with saving money there are times when I must disagree. This is one of those times.
In remodeling this home two years ago we required that it be "tight". That means as much heat as possible remains in the house and doesn’t escape through any uninsulated areas. We were very successful with that upgrade but it causes it’s own problems. When the house is that “tight” and the heat is not yet been turned on, the insulation keeps the cold night air inside the house. Our situation now is a little strange. For most of the morning our house is freezing cold and the cold air can’t escape. We’re forced to go outside to warm up once the sun comes out. It’s stupid but true.
That’s where the war starts every year. I try to explain to my better-half that it’s necessary to turn on the heat at a very low level to help eliminate the residual cold air from the previous night. She just doesn’t get it and refuses to turn on the heat at all. I’m being forced to wear three layers of clothing just to watch TV and then when I go outside I find myself removing a layer or two to be comfortable. I suppose I could just turn the heat on and disregard her feelings entirely but that would escalate the war and extend it for many weeks. The recriminations and potential revenge scenarios come into play with more arguing and mean spirited discussions expected. It’s a freaking conundrum.
Thank God for our industrial strength electric blanket. It’s the only thing keeping me from becoming highly disagreeable. A few days ago it was so cold I was forced to spend eight hours sitting in our bed with the blanket at a high level just to be comfortable. We’re at the breaking point with this issue now and I’m almost convinced that it’ll be worth fighting with her for another month or two if I can just get the heat on for a few hours in the morning. She may get a huge surprise when she gets home from work and finds the house warmer and more livable.
I’m not a heat fanatic by any means. We maintain our thermostats at no more than 62 degrees for most of the winter anyway. By taking the time to write this posting I’ve convinced myself to "grow a pair" and just turn the effing heat on. Enough of this nonsense. I’ve taken a vote and my better-half votes NO to heat but me and my “nuts” vote YES. That’s three to one and she loses. On comes the furnace tomorrow morning and let the “Great Heat War of 2013” begin.
Is there something truly wrong with a person who insists on punishing himself over and over again with no appreciable result to show for his efforts? I know the answer but I just can’t seem to stop myself. If anyone you know ever suggests that you buy and use a treadmill, just kick their ass immediately. Don’t wait, don’t hesitate, just do it. You won’t be sorry. It’s just an underhanded karmic plot to make you pay for some past indiscretions in this life or another.
In the past six weeks in an attempt to lose 30 pounds of ugly fat I’ve been coerced into torturing myself by those I love and who I thought loved me on a machine just one step down from waterboarding. At first I got with the program after suffering some pulled muscles and the constant reminder that I was in the worst shape of my life. It was a humbling experience to say the least but I persevered through all of the pain and humiliation. The weight began falling away as my poor taste buds began to dry up and disappear.
I’ve always loved a good salad but those days are over. It’s true what I’ve always heard. Vegans or people that eat excessive amounts of vegetables and greens smell funny. It’s amazing just how bad that vegetable smell is when converted into methane gas. It’s appalling, embarrassing, and disgusting all at the same time. God help the poor schmuck who wanders into the room where my treadmill is kept when I’m attempting to walk myself to death.
I recall a chubby old red-neck named Larry the Cable Guy who talks about his grandmother who occasionally gets a case of the walking farts while shopping. I always thought that was a funny bit until the truth ran up and smacked me in the nose. I don’t just get the walking farts, I also get the breathing farts. The treadmill has slowly become a disgusting and never-ending fart inducer with no end in sight.
It’s painful at times not just for me but for others. My cat has abandoned me. The room where the treadmill is set up was once HIS room. He’d relax there, play with his toys, and generally kick back for a few hours every day. It’s been more than three weeks since we’ve been in that room at the same time. I walk in to begin my treadmill session and he’s gone in a heartbeat. He refuses to return until I’m finished and the air has cleared. I find him avoiding me in other areas of the house as well just to be on the safe side.
I’ve walked more than fifty-five miles on that effing treadmill and produced enough methane to shame a large herd of cattle. If this continues I may become an actual environmental disaster area. The EPA could show up at anytime with their trucks, white sealed suits, and handcuffs to take me away. I really need to be placed in isolation where I can’t harm anyone but myself. It’s a sad day for my family because they are now forced to live with the shame of it all.
Oh, the sacrifices we’re forced to make for good health.
I’ve been accused by my better-half on more than one occasion that she knows what I’m thinking when I say certain words. I refuse to repeat any of her examples because it’ll only make her think she’s right and then I’d never ever hear the end of it. It did get me thinking about certain words and phrases I’ve been hearing for most of my life from female family members, girlfriends, and spouses. I think this list may be used as a reference guide to help me in my future discussions (arguments) with my better-half concerning these matters. I’m sure if I put my mind to it I could add another twenty of thirty items to this list but what’s the point. For my male readers I’m sure you’ll recognize some of these golden oldies used by generations of women to confuse and misdirect us. War is truly hell when it involves the sexes. Arm yourselves with as much ammunition and information as you can. You’ve been warned.
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FINE – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut the hell up.
WHATEVER – This is the new favorite word women use to convey “screw you”or “up yours”.
FIVE MINUTES – This means half an hour.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? – This has no real meaning. They only say it every fifteen minutes to drive us effing crazy.
NOTHING – This is the calm before the storm. This actually means "Something," and you should stand with your back to the nearest wall. ‘Nothing’ usually means Something and it’s Something bad for you.
GO AHEAD – This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it, trust me, DON’T DO IT.
FINE! - Does not really mean fine at all. It means “Fine, you rotten SOB” and you’ll be sorry for bringing it up.
LOUD SIGH – A sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and a moron and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
THAT’S OKAY – This means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you’ll pay for your mistake.
THANKS – A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome but make no direct eye contact.
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I hope this helps all of you men out there in your attempts to understand just what your woman or women are really saying. It takes decades for us men to even scratch the surface of understanding women and I’m firmly convinced we never will. We just have to keep trying.
What better way to start my day. I’ve been awake for no more than ten minutes just lying here trying to motivate myself into facing the day. Since my better-half has two days off we decided to sleep in an extra few minutes and relax a little, or at least I did. What’s the first thing I hear? Is it "Good morning honey" or "Wake up sunshine", of course not. She calmly rolls over, looks me square in the eye and says "I think I’ll help you with the compost pile tomorrow." I’m lying in bed looking out the window at the sunshine and thinking about how I’ll miss the warm weather and she’s thinking of a huge pile of compost. There has to be some sort of message there but I haven’t a clue as to what it might be.
Days off. When I was one of the working drones eking out a living I relished my days off. I waited patiently for them to arrive so I could just kick back and enjoy myself. They were crucial to my mental health and well being and I honestly forced myself not to think about work and the stresses involved there.
My better-half has yet to figure out how to enjoy a day or two without stress. She just can’t seem to grasp the concept of relaxation. Even on her days off she’s driven by her list of things to do. She spends all day accomplishing tasks and if at the end of the day they all haven’t been accomplished, she’s disappointed and upset. She has a work, work, work attitude and I’ve been trying to convince her to develop the ability to turn off the work mindset as soon as she arrives home. She’s improved a great deal over the last few years but there’s still a lot room for improvement.
I normally set aside about twenty minutes after she arrives from work for her to vent her frustrations, have a beer, and talk it out. Once that’s been taken care of she can then move on to her real life and possibly enjoy herself. I guess I was lucky. I was always able to turn off the work as soon as I entered my car to go home each night. I gave almost no thought to it until the next morning when I had no choice but to deal with it again. My jobs were always stressful and if I took all of that baggage home with me every night I would have lost my mind.
Well, she’s wandered off to get us some coffee but I refuse to leave the bed just yet. She’s already scurrying around the house to begin her To Do list for the day. I’ll try to coerce her into coming back to bed with my magnetic personality and huge amounts of sex appeal and charm. Don’t you dare grin or laugh, it’s all true. I hear the washing machine being turned on so maybe I’ve already waited too long to make my move. I guess that’s the real story of my life.
Oh no, here she comes now, my own little energize bunny sweeping through the bedroom, dumping out the hamper, and then gone in a swirl of dirty clothes and the smell of laundry detergent. Too late again. I’ll try one more time to slow her down but it could get ugly. I can see an extended middle finger in my future.
I’ve stated thousands of times in the past that I’m NOT a fan of Country music. My constant exposure to it as forced on me by my better-half has really and truly dulled my senses. I’ve made my peace with that because I had no effing choice but just between you and I, I still hate C & W music.
I could give you any number of reasons why I hate it from the nerve shattering nasal twine of many of the singers to their choices of really stupid song titles and lyrics. The following song titles have been discovered and passed on to you just to prove my point. I’m not saying any of these titles made the Billboard charts but they are just as stupid as I predicted.
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I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight
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I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
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She’s Looking Better After Every Beer
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I Ain’t Gone To Bed With No Ugly Women, But I Shore Woke Up With A Few
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I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here
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I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin’ On My Back and Cryin’ Over You
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She’s Actin’ Single and I’m Drinkin’ Doubles
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I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better
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Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
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How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
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I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
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I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
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I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
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If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me
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My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus
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My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
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She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
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Thank God And Greyhound She’s Gone
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You Can’t Have Your Kate And Edith Too
So to those of you shit-kicking country folk out there you’d better get on-line as soon as possible and order this list of songs. I’d hurry if I were you because rumor has it that the demand is huge and you might be placed on a waiting list. They also may require that you take a short IQ test to insure you’re stupid enough to own them.
I’m writing this while my better-half is at work and I’ll do whatever I can to keep her from reading this posting tonight. She’s sure to throw a hissy fit and make me listen to even more of this alleged music than before. I’m not sure I could survive that. Hep me Jesus and Yee Haw, Y’all.
everyuselessthing.com 
I’ve been accused by my better-half on more than one occasion that she knows what I’m thinking when I say certain words. I refuse to repeat any of her examples because it’ll only make her think she’s right and then I’d never ever hear the end of it. It did get me thinking about certain words and phrases I’ve been hearing for most of my life from female family members, girlfriends, and spouses. I think this list may be used as a reference guide to help me in my future discussions (arguments) with my better-half concerning these matters. I’m sure if I put my mind to it I could add another twenty of thirty items to this list but what’s the point. For my male readers I’m sure you’ll recognize some of these golden oldies used by generations of women to confuse and misdirect us. War is truly hell when it involves the sexes. Arm yourselves with as much ammunition and information as you can. You’ve been warned.
* * *
FINE – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut the hell up.
WHATEVER – This is the new favorite word women use to convey “screw you”or “up yours”.
FIVE MINUTES – This means half an hour.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? – This has no real meaning. They only say it every fifteen minutes to drive us effing crazy.
NOTHING – This is the calm before the storm. This actually means "Something," and you should stand with your back to the nearest wall. ‘Nothing’ usually means Something and it’s Something bad for you.
GO AHEAD – This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it, trust me, DON’T DO IT.
FINE! - Does not really mean fine at all. It means “Fine, you rotten SOB” and you’ll be sorry for bringing it up.
LOUD SIGH – A sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and a moron and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
THAT’S OKAY – This means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you’ll pay for your mistake.
THANKS – A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome but make no direct eye contact.
* * *
I hope this helps all of you men out there in your attempts to understand just what your woman or women are really saying. It takes decades for us men to even scratch the surface of understanding women and I’m firmly convinced we never will. We just have to keep trying.
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