Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category

10-03-2013   Leave a comment

I’ve been accused by my better-half on more than one occasion that she knows what I’m thinking when I say certain words.  I refuse to repeat any of her examples because it’ll only make her think she’s right and then I’d never ever hear the end of it.  It did get me thinking about certain words and phrases I’ve been hearing for most of my life from female family members, girlfriends, and spouses.  I think this list may be used as a reference guide to help me in my future discussions (arguments) with my better-half concerning these matters.  I’m sure if I put my mind to it I could add another twenty of thirty items to this list but what’s the point.  For my male readers I’m sure you’ll recognize some of these golden oldies used by generations of women to confuse and misdirect us.  War is truly hell when it involves the sexes.  Arm yourselves with as much ammunition and information as you can.  You’ve been warned.

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FINE – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut the hell up.

WHATEVER – This is the new favorite word women use to convey “screw you”or “up yours”.

FIVE MINUTES – This means half an hour.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? – This has no real meaning. They only say it every fifteen minutes to drive us effing crazy.

NOTHING – This is the calm before the storm. This actually means "Something," and you should stand with your back to the nearest wall.  ‘Nothing’ usually means Something and it’s Something bad for you.

GO AHEAD – This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it, trust me, DON’T DO IT.

FINE! -  Does not really mean fine at all.  It means “Fine, you rotten SOB” and you’ll be sorry for bringing it up.

LOUD SIGH – A sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and a moron and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

THAT’S OKAY – This means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you’ll pay for your mistake.

THANKS – A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome but make no direct eye contact.

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I hope this helps all of you men out there in your attempts to understand just what your woman or women are really saying.  It takes decades for us men to even scratch the surface of understanding women and I’m firmly convinced we never will.  We just have to keep trying.

09-24-2013   Leave a comment

What better way to start my day.  I’ve been awake for no more than ten minutes just lying here trying to motivate myself into facing the day.  Since my better-half has two days off we decided to sleep in an extra few minutes and relax a little, or at least I did.  What’s the first thing I hear? Is it "Good morning honey" or "Wake up sunshine", of course not.  She calmly rolls over, looks me square in the eye and says "I think I’ll help you with the compost pile tomorrow."  I’m lying in bed looking out the window at the sunshine and thinking about how I’ll miss the warm weather and she’s thinking of a huge pile of compost.  There has to be some sort of message there but I haven’t a clue as to what it might be.

Days off.  When I was one of the working drones eking out a living I relished my days off.  I waited patiently for them to arrive so I could just kick back and enjoy myself.  They were crucial to my mental health and well being and I honestly forced myself not to think about work and the stresses involved there.

My better-half has yet to figure out how to enjoy a day or two without stress.  She just can’t seem to grasp the concept of relaxation.  Even on her days off she’s driven by her list of things to do.  She spends all day accomplishing tasks and if at the end of the day they all haven’t been accomplished, she’s disappointed and upset.  She has a work, work, work attitude and I’ve been trying to convince her to develop the ability to turn off the work mindset as soon as she arrives home.  She’s improved a great deal over the last few years but there’s still a lot room for improvement.

I normally set aside about twenty minutes after she arrives from work for her to vent her frustrations, have a beer, and talk it out.  Once that’s been taken care of she can then move on to her real life and possibly enjoy herself.  I guess I was lucky.  I was always able to turn off the work as soon as I entered my car to go home each night.  I gave almost no thought to it until the next morning when I had no choice but to deal with it again.  My jobs were always stressful and if I took all of that baggage home with me every night I would have lost my mind.

Well, she’s wandered off to get us some coffee but I refuse to leave the bed just yet.  She’s already scurrying around the house to begin her To Do list for the day. I’ll try to coerce her into coming back to bed with my magnetic personality and huge amounts of sex appeal and charm. Don’t you dare grin or laugh, it’s all true.  I hear the washing machine being turned on so maybe I’ve already waited too long to make my move.  I guess that’s the real story of my life.

Oh no, here she comes now, my own little energize bunny sweeping through the bedroom, dumping out the hamper, and then gone in a swirl of dirty clothes and the smell of laundry detergent.  Too late again.  I’ll try one more time to slow her down but it could get ugly.  I can see an extended middle finger in my future.

09-05-2013   Leave a comment

I’ve stated thousands of times in the past that I’m NOT a fan of Country music.  My constant exposure to it as forced on me by my better-half has really and truly dulled my senses.  I’ve made my peace with that because I had no effing choice but just between you and I, I still hate C & W music.

I could give you any number of reasons why I hate it from the nerve shattering nasal twine of many of the singers to their choices of really stupid song titles and lyrics.  The following song titles have been discovered and passed on to you just to prove my point.  I’m not saying any of these titles made the Billboard charts but  they are just as stupid as I predicted.

  • I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight
  • I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
  • She’s Looking Better After Every Beer
  • I Ain’t Gone To Bed With No Ugly Women, But I Shore Woke Up With A Few
  • I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here
  • I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin’ On My Back and Cryin’ Over You
  • She’s Actin’ Single and I’m Drinkin’ Doubles
  • I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better
  • Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
  • How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
  • I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
  • I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
  • I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
  • If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me
  • My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus
  • My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
  • She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
  • Thank God And Greyhound She’s Gone
  • You Can’t Have Your Kate And Edith Too

So to those of you shit-kicking country folk out there you’d better get on-line as soon as possible and order this list of songs.  I’d hurry if I were you because rumor has it that the demand is huge and you might be placed on a waiting list.  They also may require that you take a short  IQ test to insure you’re stupid enough to own them.  

I’m writing this while my better-half is at work and I’ll do whatever I can to keep her from reading this posting tonight. She’s sure to throw a hissy fit and make me listen to even more of this alleged music than before. I’m not sure I could survive that.  Hep me Jesus and Yee Haw, Y’all.

09-01-2013   Leave a comment

Not being a huge football or sports fan has distinct advantages for me.  I can ridicule any team at any time for any reason and I do as often as I can.  It’s difficult because so many people admire, desire, and worship these football heroes (I use the term loosely) that they’ll attack anyone who isn’t awed by the mere sight of them.  My hero worshiping days were short lived after all of the scandals: cheating, lying, steroid use, and criminal activities.  No more sports heroes for me thank you very much.  I’ll stick to the real heroes, our servicemen and women who sacrifice so these hulks can make millions of dollars and be praised by the masses.

Here are a few notable quotes, past and present, by some of those sports heroes.  Thank God all of their colleges found a way to help them graduate.

* * *

Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can’t really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to."

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season…"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Joe Theismann

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for four years, not Princeton."

Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: "I’ve won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record: "We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play."

Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet."

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’ "

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What more needs to be said?  The more they insist on standing up and talking to the media the more material I’ll have for postings like this.  Keep close tabs on your sports programs for those pregame, half-time, and post game interviews.  They’re almost as entertaining as the games.

08-24-2013   Leave a comment

Before I start to write this posting I’m required to put on my cowboy hat, my boots, and my big ugly belt buckle.  Don’t misunderstand me, I am not a Country & Western fan in any sense of the word.  Unfortunately my born and bred Texan better-half has been a life long fan of the genre. She roams from room to room through the house every day, turning on multiple radios to blare that good old down home music every effing minute.  It keeps me out of the house doing fifty percent more yard work than I would normally do.  Maybe that’s her sneaky Texas way of making me work harder.  If I’ve learned nothing from our years together I have learned to keep a close watch on her,  Texans are sneaky!

I had a wonderful day off today because my crazy better-half and her even crazier daughter are off on another adventure.  They left early today to attend the Country-fest Concert at Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, Massachusetts.  I’m sure they were cheering all the way to Mass but what they didn’t know was just how loud I was cheering to see them go.  An entire day without listening to music that makes me cringe.  I worked in the yard for a good part of the day with my IPod blasting a wide variety of Blues, Rock, and NO C&W.

I was receiving text messages and photos for most of the day telling me just what I was missing.  I was missing endless traffic, Country music fans by the thousands, and an endless number of drunken bums wearing their boots and cowboy hats.  I’ll just bet that ninety percent of those crazies have never been on a ranch or had a close and personal conversation with a horse. A whole lot of wannabes trying to impress a few young ladies with their swagger and y’all’s.

I had a great day until eleven pm when I was awakened from my blissful sleep by two tipsy cowgirls making their way home from Boston.  My better-half was so horse I could barely understand her and all of the laughing and screaming in the background didn’t help either.  She called to let me know when she’d be arriving and that she was going to "wake my ass up" whether I liked it or not.  I mildly threatened to end her life, said goodnight, and went back to sleep.  She arrived home in the wee hours, fell into bed, and barely woke me at all.

Waking up this morning I opened one eye to see if she was prowling around.  Next to me under a huge pile of blankets and pillows I found what was left of my better-half.  She was snoring like a truck driver, smelled like beer, and was dreaming about Kenny Chesney I’ll bet.  Ya, I know at least one cowboy crooner’s name.  Please don’t hold that against me, my survival instinct requires I know enough Country names and trivia to keep her happy.

Yee haw y’all !

08-22-2013   Leave a comment

"I’m sarcastic, it isn’t going to change, so get over it.” I should have that sentence made into a really long bumper sticker.  Those of you out there who are my brothers and sisters in sarcasm will understand completely.  Those of you who are immune to sarcasm, you have my deepest sympathies (NOT TRUE).

I came by my ability honestly to turn almost anything said to me into a reciprocal sarcastic reply with little or no effort.  I began developing this superpower at age ten when I discovered that I could deflect parents, adults, and bullies with sarcasm which in turn kept me from being beaten, spanked, and bothered.  I decided then and there that using wit, sarcasm, and glib remarks was a valuable tool and I should refine it.  If used properly and politely along with clever conversation it can also make you a bit more desirable to the ladies (PROVEN FACT).  That in itself justified all of the time and effort I put into becoming a sarcasm expert.

As always when I write about things I try to research the meanings of the words I’m using.  All of the intellectuals who are responsible for compiling dictionaries and encyclopedias describe sarcasm very clinically and for  the most part in a negative fashion as this will clearly show:

* * *

In sarcasm, ridicule or mockery is used harshly, often crudely and contemptuously (NOT ALWAYS TRUE), for destructive purposes (NEVER). It may be used in an indirect manner and have the form of irony (THIS WOULD BE ME), as in "Your ass really looks great in that dress or ”What a fine musician you turned out to be!". It may also be used in the form of a direct statement, "You couldn’t play one piece correctly if you had two assistants." The distinctive quality of sarcasm is present in the spoken word and manifested chiefly by vocal intonation.

Hostile, critical comments may be expressed in an ironic way, such as saying "don’t work too hard" to a lazy worker (BEEN THERE, DONE THAT). The use of irony introduces an element of humour which may make the criticism seem more polite and less aggressive (ME AGAIN). Sarcasm can frequently be unnoticed in print form, oftentimes requiring the intonation or tone of voice to indicate the quip or a note added to let people know (SEE BELOW).

* * *

Sarcasm is a tool and a god-given talent for some but really gets no respect (ME) and viewing sarcasm as a negative really doesn’t get to the truth of it.  There are some people, highly intelligent and educated, who just don’t get sarcasm.  I throw sarcasm into a conversation for good reason.  It allows me to gauge who understands my humor and those who don’t.  It also identifies those who may be potential targets without even being aware of it. 

I try (MOST OF THE TIME) not to be disrespectful during those occasions because I never want to be perceived as mean or rude.  I like a lot of laughter in my life and when the people around me don’t bring anything to the table I’ll create it for them (AT THEIR EXPENSE IF NECESSARY).

AND SO TO ALL OF YOU OUT THERE, HAVE A WONDERFUL AND GLORIOUS DAY (SARCASM OFF)

08-05-2013   1 comment

Welcome back to the next installment of E.U.T. (Every Useless Thing) University’s on-line education program. It’s the best known reservoir for totally useless knowledge and through our detailed courses of study we will explain many of those things that have puzzled mankind for centuries.  Here are lesson plans #5 and #6. These topics are not common knowledge but we at E.U.T.U have searched for and found the truth just for you.

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Lesson #5 – How Did the “Missionary Position” Get It’s Name?

The missionary position is a position for sexual intercourse in which the man and woman lie facing each other, with the man on top of the woman. It is probably the best-known sexual position has been adopted by people for centuries.

The name of the position is widely thought to be derived from the early European missionaries, who discovered that native people in the New World were employing other unorthodox positions, such as the man penetrating the woman from behind. The missionaries taught the natives that couples facing each other was the only position that was acceptable to God (because it was more intimate, enabling both partners to see and kiss each other) and that any other position was considered unnatural. It is generally thought that these teachings were carried out by St. Paul who believed that the woman should be underneath the man during intercourse, while St. Augustine also taught that any other position was a sin against nature.

The term was first recorded in its popular definition in the 1960’s.

* * *

Isn’t it amazing that so many of our current issues concerning sex and procreation were caused by a handful of prudish and allegedly holy men who passed it down to the “free love generation”. That irony at it’s very best.

* * *

Lesson #6 – What is the G Spot and Where is It?

The G spot is a small area in a woman’s vagina that, when stimulated, is said to give her intense orgasms. It’s named after its discoverer Ernest Grafenberg, a German physician who conducted research on that area of the vagina in the 1950’s. In recent years.

The G spot is said to be located on the upper front vaginal wall, close to where the urethra joins the bladder. While its exact position can vary, it is commonly situated 2 to 3 inches inside the vagina, directly behind the pubic bone. It is the size of a small coin and has a spongy texture, distinguishing it from the otherwise smooth vaginal wall. Many women have difficulty in finding it, and some cannot find it at all.

The G spot is usually very sensitive and is capable of hardening and swelling. When pressure is applied to it, it can stimulate the need to urinate, and it might be the organ responsible for female ejaculation. One theory for the existence of this phenomenon is that during childbirth the head of the child pushes on the G spot, triggering the ejaculation, which lubricates the birth canal and helps with the final phase of birth.

Many people still maintain that the G spot doesn’t exist, or that it doesn’t contribute to orgasms in women. Others, meanwhile, claimed that it is part of the clitoris, the nerves of which penetrate deep below the surface.

* * *

For all you men out there you can no longer deny the G spot’s existence or that you can’t to find it. The teachers from E.U.T.U. have spent countless hours and endless searching to find that magical spot, to map its location, and to supply that information to you. So guys, get off your ass and get out there and find that most important of female erogenous zones and don’t stop until you’ve been successful or you die trying.

These lessons will continue into many interesting areas that we at E.U.T.U. have been diligently researching.  They will be published as soon as possible after being received in order to keep you up to speed.  Your very welcome!

CLASS DISMISSED

07-20-2013   3 comments

Time for a journal entry and to play a little catch-up with what’s happening in my boring life.  First things first; it’s freaking hot, second; it’s freaking humid, and thirdly; I’m freaking sweating my ass off.  There, I don’t feel any cooler or any better but it just felt good to bitch at someone other than my better-half. She’s has that “I’m going to kill you if you whine about the heat just one more time”, look in her eyes.  Truthfully she can be a little scary when provoked. 

I decided to live in Maine for a number of reasons.  I dislike hot weather and I thought by moving here I could escape the worst of it.  Well that dream ended this year.  I might as well be living in Florida, Arizona, or even freaking Death Valley.  I think it’s time for the better-half and me to consider moving north a few hundred miles where it’s a bit cooler.  The downside to that is we’d be living in Canada.  That’s almost as bad as living where it’s too hot.  In my humble opinion Canada sucks both politically and personally.  That should piss a few people off but I don’t really care, it’s to hot to give a damn.

I started out a few days ago to get into the woods to try out my new 24.5 megapixel Nikon camera.  I lasted about as long as it took me to drive to the area.  I would have looked silly with my camera and other equipment pulling a little red wagon behind me filled with bottles of water.  Just too effing hot.

The all knowing and all seeing weather forecasters are predicting a break in the heat sometime before I die.  I try never to believe them because they seem to be more wrong than right.  We had a short period last night of actual real wind.  I went out on the deck to enjoy the breeze and found out something else entirely.  Black flies apparently love a cool breeze too.  Between them and the mosquitos I was screwed.  I retreated back into the gigantic oven we call our home and turned on every ceiling fan I could find.  It was like trying to watch TV while sitting on an airport runway.

So I’ve bitched and complained as much as I care to about the weather.  It’s time to return to my life and the birthday party due to start in an hour.  I’m doing all the cooking on a nice hot grill.  I just can’t get a break.

Before I go I’d like to thank the new followers of this blog.  I hope you others visit their sites and enjoy their blogs as much as I do.  Thank you all:

Cooper1505, Joanna, Three Wise Guys Podcast, Jimmy Benton, All Most Relevant, Lampsonirvine, Marcela Cava Balsa, tedgaming, Political Connection,
urbanwallart, Pinkopolis, ikeiaconis, sexytoyworld, Chris Martin, Matthew Richards, Julian Sherman, dcardiff, Spinnos Manolis, gardenofyvonne, Frankie Leone, Mazhar, painting13, A Southern Butterbean in Maine, loveanddatingforsingles, Jack Media, Big Blogger of Knowledge, zma752,
James Curnow, and Your Daily Phil.

07-15-2013   2 comments

I hope all of you celebrated that fantastic and relatively new national observance yesterday, International Nude Day.  Forevermore the fourteenth of July will be naked day, a day for streaking or strutting your stuff on the nude beach of your choice.  I suppose if your exceptionally brave you can give it a go on a normal public beach but it could get a little dicey.  You can never forget just how prudish and hypocritical we citizens of the United States can be. 

We love our porn, prostitution is flourishing, dozens of skin magazines are published every month, and revealing clothing is the order of the day with most fashion houses and clothing retailers. Adult Shops and peep shows are thriving but if any young mother attempts to feed her infant in public, she’s ridiculed and forced to cover her breast, baby, and sometimes her head so as not to embarrass or shock anyone.  It’s just ridiculous.

Hypocrisy comes easily to righteous people who criticize others for what they do themselves.  That’s why I’m surprised this observance was ever enacted. Here’s a short blurb explaining just what’s going on.

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New Zealand’s (and now the world’s) National Nude day is not a public holiday but a day to celebrate the human form.

Brain child of former All Black and TV presenter Marc Ellis, National Nude Day (also now known as International Nude Day) is a celebration of the skin with much fun attached. The concept has been adopted by particularly Dunedin students (Scarfies) where getting nude is nothing new. Dunedin is a legend University City in the south of New Zealand.

Nude Day is a one day a year that all in NZ can celebrate nudeness, nakedness, being in the nuddy, running free in all your original raw beauty, putting on your best birthday suit. It’s day everyone can participate in, fat, skinny, big, small, firm, soft and the flabby can all get involved.

Everyone in the world celebrate your body and celebrate New Zealand and the Worlds Nude Day it’s liberating and it’s beautiful. Our bodies are the only things we own, be proud of them no matter what shape or size you are.

* * *

So lets all get out there, strip off some clothing and show the world how sophisticated we pretend to be.  Just get two or three friends and waltz along a crowded beach in the buff and watch the fun begin.  The police would appear almost immediately.  Probably quicker for a “naked” call than for a double murder.  There’d be screaming, finger pointing, and panic among those well disguised God Squad members wearing their bikinis and thongs.  Is being naked all that much different than that.  I don’t think so.  Plan on a grand celebration next year.  Naked, dancing, strutting, and proud.

07-13-2013   Leave a comment

Earlier this week I spent some time ridiculing attorneys and criminal witnesses as to their unbelievable stupidity.  I wouldn’t want anyone to think for a minute that my posting was meant to be malicious, just funny and ridiculous.  I thought today I would include in my musings the behavior of really stupid criminals who make their attorney’s look like geniuses.

You have to admit that people who choose a life of crime aren’t too bright to start with.  The following stories are actual tales about actual stupid criminals arrested within the last few years.  You just can’t make this stuff up.  Many years ago in my rookie year as a police officer my partner told me some valuable words of police wisdom. Since he was my training officer and had almost twenty-five experience on the job I listened intently.  His philosophy about police work was this, "If it wasn’t for the stupid fucking criminals we’d never catch anyone."  Here’s a few of them that were caught.

  • A stupid thief pled guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief told a passerby he was going to rob the store, gave the man a dollar, and asked him to go inside and buy a scarf to help him hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took the dollar, went inside the store… and called the police.
  • During a high school break-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two really stupid burglars found a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When they couldn’t figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn’t loaded and left it behind. The men apparently didn’t realize they’d been fooling around with a digital camera that allowed police to downloaded the snapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects were quickly arrested.
  • A woman reported her car stolen and mentioned there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the telephone and told the moron that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and was interested in buying the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
  • A dumb ass criminal on trial for drug possession in Pontiac, Michigan, said he’d been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn’t need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher’s jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
  • A 21 year old idiot, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. He gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later he was arrested because information on the screen showed a two-year-old armed robbery warrant from St. Louis, Missouri.  A huge dumb ass.

What did I tell you?  I guess my old training officer was right on the money with his advice.  Some things are just wisdom for the ages.