Archive for the ‘Humor’ Tag
In my younger days I considered myself a scratch golfer. I played with many of my friends, family, and people I worked with for years and always had a great time. I thought today I’d lighten things up a little with some golfing jokes. I’m sure all of you golfers out there will appreciate these three jokes but I can honestly say they can’t compare to the experiences I actually had with my friends and family. Enjoy . . .
- One day a man came home from work and was greeted by his wife dressed up in a very sexy nightie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want with me.” So, he tied her up and went golfing.
- So, there are three golfers, (Bob, Max and Ted) who are looking for a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday. “Sure, I’d love to play, says George, but I may be about 10 minutes late, so wait for me.” So, Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9 AM and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he’d like to play again the following Saturday. “Yeah, sounds great”, says George. “But I may be about 10 minutes late, so wait for me.” The following Saturday, again, all four golfers, show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed and beats them all. As they’re getting ready to leave, George says, “See you next Saturday, but I may be about 10 minutes late, so wait for me.” Every week, George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use and every week, he departs with the same message. After a couple of months, Ted is pretty damn tired of this routine, so he says, “Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about 10 minutes late, but you’re right on time. You then beat us either left-handed or right-handed, what’s the story? “Well,” George says, “I’m kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look over at my wife. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and if she’s sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed.” “So, what do you do if she’s sleeping on her back?” “Well . . . That’s one of days I’ll be 10 minutes late.”
- A man constantly and continuously talked only about golf. His angry wife threatened to leave him if he didn’t talk about something else. She: “Let’s talk about sex.” He: “I wonder if Tiger Woods got laid last night?”
FORE!
“Poetry is to prose as dancing is to walking.”
by John Wain
***
As I worked my way slowly through the public school system back in the 1960’s I received little or no information or exposure to poetry. It was mentioned in passing in some classes but there never was any serious time devoted to it. It just seems to me that making some poetry (not just the classics) available to younger students might just motivate them to either read more poetry or to write their own. A gentlemen named Richard Lewis, a lecturer on children’s literature and creative writing, apparently agreed with me. In cooperation with UNESCO, he traveled through eighteen English speaking countries around the world collecting poetry written by children between the ages of five and thirteen. Three thousand poems were collected with the best 200 published in his book, “Miracles” published in 1966. I’ve picked out two samples to give you some idea of just how talented many of the youngsters can be when expressing their thoughts in a poetic fashion.
THUNDER
by Glenys Van Every, Age 9, Australia
I hear
the drummers
strike
the sky.
***
SUMMER
by Margaret Bendig, Age 10, United States
Inviting, rippling waters
Waiting for little toes
Hurry, go get changed!
***
After reading a few pages of these poems I had a minor epiphany. These children were not trained in poetry but as they wrote their poems many of them began to look very much like free-verse haiku’s. Having no set restrictions on the length of lines and syllable counting allows the young poets freedom to truly express themselves.
Of course, being the irreverent SOB that I am I decided to write this haiku of mine and take it down a road not normally traveled. It contains some reference to nature but also just a touch of my humor. It’s a poetic mortal sin to write them this way and I’m sure it will tweak the noses of a few people. It’s always fun at times to make some people a little crazy.
*❤️*
NATURAL
by Me, Age: Old
Out of the corner of my eye
A bird sails quietly by.
A flash of golden sunlight,
And I have bird shit on my thigh.
***
SMILE, I DID INCLUDE SOME NATURE
“The true poet dreams being awake.”
Charles Lamb
I thought I’d start this year with a most interesting writer and poet, Edgar Allen Poe. I was introduced to him in high school way back in the days of covered wagons and wild Indians (that was sarcasm). His poetry was spooky, dark, and mysterious which drew me to it immediately. What 15-year-old kid wouldn’t love that? As with most school systems of the time they offered only a few of his writings for classroom work and discussion. The Raven stands as one of his greatest works and we were required to read and memorize certain passages to get a passing grade and then we moved on to other things. My second Poe favorite was Anabel Lee. A love story for the ages except Anabel doesn’t long survive the experience. The flow of his words in that poem grabbed me immediately and I was able to quote some of its passages for years and occasionally still do.
As I aged and was able to read more about Poe and his strange approach to life, the more attention I began to pay to poetry in general. I still think that actual world class poets are few and far between, but Poe was the real deal. Along with Emily Dickenson they are my two favorites. I especially liked Poe because he wrote what he felt and really did nothing to pander to the masses. In my opinion that’s what gives his works real meaning and weight.
Another of Poe’s works has slowly over the years made its way to the top of my favorites list, even more so than the Raven and Anabel Lee. I stumbled on to it quite by accident years ago and it has become one of those rare things that periodically calls to me to be read again. As with all of Poe’s poetry it’s best read while wrapped in a warm blanket on a dark and stormy night by candlelight.
ALONE
From childhood’s hour I have not been
As others were – I have not seen
As others saw – I could not bring
My passions from a common spring –
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow – I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone –
And all I lov’d – I lov’d alone –
Then – in my childhood – in the dawn
Of a most stormy life – was drawn
From ev’ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still –
From the torrent, or the fountain –
From the red cliff of the mountain –
From the sun that ’round me roll’d
In its autumn tint of gold –
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by –
From the thunder, and the storm –
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.
1829
***
WELCOME TO 2024
“Resolution in a bad cause is called stubbornness; stubbornness in a good cause is called resolution.”
Anonymous
Well, here I quietly sit trying to decompress from another Christmas season. I just completed my two and a half months’ worth of humor primarily to see if the response to the humor posts was as good or equal to my standard blogging techniques. The increase was minor which tells me many things but that will have to wait for another day. Just so you know, it would probably bore you to tears.
My plan going forward for 2024 is to do a few weeks of poetry. Some of you will enjoy that thoroughly and others will say “what the hell are you doing?” I get that poetry is not something everyone likes, and I understand that completely. I’ve tried to read as much poetry as I could over the years and truthfully the great majority of it was disappointing. It’s not that poetry isn’t interesting; it just wasn’t interesting to me. I’ve come to realize that my favorite poems are short, sweet, and something that forces the reader to use their imagination. That eventually led me to haikus. For me to enjoy poetry it has to be less than three stanzas long. Even that’s a little much for me that’s why I find haiku’s so interesting. So, I suppose January is going to consist of short and meaningful poetry taken from many famous poets, some of my own, and some of yours if you choose to offer it up to be posted. I’ll also throw in a host of limericks of all flavors just for fun. I hope you’ll enjoy what I’m trying to do here, maybe you will and maybe you won’t.
But before we start January, I need to deal with some other business relating to 2024. That is my New Year’s resolutions. In the past I’ve usually listed ten and completed at most six or seven. I try to make them humorous because most people don’t take them all that serious anyway. This year I’ll list just five, maybe that will motivate me to complete a higher percentage. Here they are:
READ MORE THAN 100 BOOKS
TRY TO BE A LITTLE FRIENDLIER TOWARDS THE REST OF THE WORLD
KEEP DUNKIN’ EXPENDITURES TO LESS THAN $40.00 A MONTH
COMPLETE EIGHT PAINTINGS OR PRINTS
LEARN AT LEAST FOUR NEW CUSS WORDS FROM MY GRANDSONS
***
“Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.”
Ben Franklin
***
There you have it. Maybe I’ll accomplish them all for a change (chances are slim and none) but I’ll keep trying. It’s always fun to look back at previous years to confirm just how bad you are about being successful.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Quote of the Day
“He repeated to himself an old French proverb that he made up that morning.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald
🤪🤪🤪
Joke of the Day #1
A man and woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and, in a rage, sliced off the man’s penis. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window. Driving behind that couple was a man in his car with his six-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away to her father when all of a sudden, the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck there for a moment, then flew off. Surprised, the daughter asked her father, “Daddy, what the heck was that?” Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, “It…it was only a bug, honey.” The daughter sat with a confused look on her face for a moment and said, “Sure had a big dick, didn’t it?”
☘️☘️☘️
Limerick of the Day
And unfaithful old bounder, called Reg,
Had neglected his marital pledge,
Till his long-suffering wife
Fetched her sharpest kitchen knife
And removed his meat and two veg.
🤡🤡🤡
Joke of the Day #2
An old farmer in Georgia owned a large farm for many years. He had a pond in the back, fixed up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and a basketball court. The pond was properly shaped and constructed for swimming. One day the farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, to look things over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he came closer, he saw was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, “Were not coming out until you leave!” The old man replied with a grin, I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or to make you get out of the pond naked. I’m just here to feed the alligator.”
The Moral: Old age and cunning will always triumph over youth and enthusiasm.
🤗🤗🤗
Wisdom of the Day
The fewer the words the better the prayer.
Quote of the Day
“The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible.”
Oscar Wilde
🤪🤪🤪
Joke of the Day #1
“A teacher asks her class, “If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on Little Johnny to answer. He replies, “There are none left, they all flew away with the first gun shot.” The teacher replies, “The correct answer is actually four, but I like your way of thinking.” Then Little Johnny says, “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down from the top and sucking on the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?” The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.” To which Little Johnny replies, “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your way of thinking.”
☘️☘️☘️
Limerick of the Day
There was a young virgin named Jeanie,
Whose dad was an absolute meanie.
When he finished a hatch,
With a latch, for her snatch –
She could only be had by Houdini.
🤡🤡🤡
Joke of the Day #2
An old man goes to a local wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the original curse on you.” The old man said without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
🤗🤗🤗
Wisdom of the Day
Myths which are believed tend to become true.
Quote of the Day
“Calamity and Prosperity are the Touchstones of Integrity.”
Benjamin Franklin
🤪🤪🤪
Joke of the Day #1
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He’s crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He craws to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and up pops a genie . . . But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray suit. There’s a calculator in his pocket and he has a pencil tucked behind one ear. “Well, kid,” says the genie. “You know how this works. You have three wishes. . .” “I’m not falling for this,” says the man. “I’m not going to trust a person from the IRS.” “What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!” says Mr. IRS. The man thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right. “Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.” ***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. “Okay, kid, what’s your second wish?” “My second wish is to be rich beyond my wildest dreams.” ***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. “Okay kid you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!” After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, “I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me.” ***POOF*** He is immediately turned into a tampon. The moral of this story is that if the IRS offers you anything, there’s bound to be a string attached.”
☘️☘️☘️
Limerick of the Day
A lap-dancing club is the place,
Where damsels, who’ve spurned social grace,
Will strip off their gear,
Stick a tit in your ear,
And waggle their bum in your face.
🤡🤡🤡
Joke of the Day #2
Two women were having lunch together and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job very soon.” The second woman says haughtily, “Oh, that’s nothing. I’m actually thinking of having my asshole bleached!” To which the first replies, “Whoa, I just can’t picture your husband has a blonde!”
🤗🤗🤗
Wisdom of the Day
When the fox preaches, look to your geese.
Quote of the Day
“To make a prairie it takes a clover and one bee.”
Emily Dickinson
🤪🤪🤪
Joke of the Day #1
A man and woman are sitting beside each other on a flight to New York. The woman loudly sneezes, takes out a tissue, gently wipes her nose and then visibly shudders for about ten seconds. A few minutes later the woman sneezes again. Once more, she takes a tissue, wipes her nose and then shudders. A few more minutes pass before the woman again sneezes and violently shudders. Curious, the man says “I can’t help noticing that you shudder every time you sneeze. Are you okay?” “I’m so sorry if I’m disturbing you”, says the woman. “I’m suffering from a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze, I have an immediate orgasm.” “Are you taking anything for it?” he asks. “Yes,” says the woman. “Pepper.”
☘️☘️☘️
Limerick of the Day
The limerick is calloused and crude,
It’s morals distressingly lewd.
It’s not worth the reading
By persons of breeding.
It’s designed for us vulgar and rude.
🤡🤡🤡
Joke of the Day #2
An attractive young woman had finished taking her golf lessons from the club pro. She just started playing her first round when she got a bee sting. The pain was so intense she decided to return to the clubhouse. Her golf pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked, “Why are you back so early? What’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee” was her reply. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second holes” she replied. He just shook his head and nodded knowingly and said, “It’s obvious, your stance is too wide.”
🤗🤗🤗
Wisdom of the Day
A pleasure deferred is a pleasure intensified.
Quote of the Day
“Picture yourself in a boat on a river,
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies,
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly,
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes.”
John Lennon & Paul McCartney
🤪🤪🤪
Joke of the Day #1
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open revealing a lovely leg. The priest took a look and nearly had an accident. After regaining control of the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on, while changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129.” Once again, the priest apologized. “Sorry, sister, but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun got out of the car, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival back at his church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory.”
☘️☘️☘️
Limerick of the Day
A dashing young dentist in Kent,
Found in practice, wherever he went,
Girls only too willing
To have a good filling,
“Open wide”! Stirred their carnal intent.
🤡🤡🤡
Joke of the Day #2
Little Johnny is in the middle of class and stands up and says, “I have to piss!” The teacher says, “Now, Johnny, the proper word is urinate and while you’re in the bathroom I want you to think of a sentence that has the word urinate in it.” So, Johnny goes to the bathroom, does his thing and comes back. The teacher immediately asks, “Well, Johnny, did you think of a sentence?” He says,” Yes. . . urinate, and if you had bigger tits you’d be a ten.”
🤗🤗🤗
Wisdom of the Day
Be a friend to thyself.
Quote of the Day
“When the grasshopper gathers strength to hop, it does not
know where it will land. So, it often is with poets.”
Gerald Brenan
🤪🤪🤪
Joke of the Day #1
At a local college dance, a guy from America asks a girl from Sweden to dance. While they are dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, “In America, we call this a hug.” She replies,”Yaah, in Sveden we call it a hug too.” A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, “In America, we call this a kiss.” She replies,”Yaah, in Sveden we call it a kiss too.” Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn and proceeds to have sex with her, saying, “In America, we call this a grass sandwich.” She says, “Yaaah, in Sveden we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it.”
☘️☘️☘️
Limerick of the Day
There was a young lady from Fort Kent
Who said that she knew what it meant
When men ask her to dine,
Gave her roses and wine –
She knew what it meant, but she went!
🤡🤡🤡
Joke of the Day #2
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. Today he got out and his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and jumped into the car. The only thing he said was, “F.F.” His wife turned to him and answered, “E.F.” Out on the highway, he said, “F.F.” She immediately responded simply, “E.F.” He repeated it once again, “F.F.” She again replied loudly, “E.F.” “Mom! Dad! What the hell is going on?” Bernie quietly answered, “Your mother wants to eat first!”
🤗🤗🤗
Wisdom of the Day
Conventional wisdom is to wisdom what junk food is to food.
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