Archive for the ‘Sex’ Category
I’m in a mood this morning. I have yet to decide whether it’s a good mood, a bad mood, or a I-don’t-give-a-damn mood. It depends more on my interactions today with other people than anything else. Normally I look for something funny or at least a little humorous to set me on the right track for the day but I’m actually feeling like taking a trip down the wrong road. This road leads to tasteless, gross, and raunchy humor. Be warned.
I think I’ll throw in a few filthy limericks, a dirty joke or two, some raunchy riddles, and anything else I can think of. Some of these items and photos might even gross you out a little but hopefully not too too much. Over the years I’ve purchased a number of books in old book stores filled with questionable humor and today I intend to share some of their contents with you. So let’s get started.
Riddles
Q. What’s the difference between frustration and panic?
A. Frustration is the first time you find out you can’t do it the second time, and panic is the second time you find out you can’t do it the first time.
Q. When do you know you’ve had the world’s best head?
A. You have to pull the sheets out of your ass!
Q. What’s the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
A. A rooster clucks defiance!
Q. Who’s the world’s greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in the masturbation contest!
Jokes
A young up-and-coming executive was informed that he would be forced to take a thirty percent pay cut. Later that evening he was discussing with his wife ways in which they could trim some fat from their household budget. “Honey,” he said, “if you could learn to prepare a few meals, we could fire the cook.” “Well, dear,” she replied, “if you could learn to fuck, we could fire the gardener.”
A urologist claimed that he could find any disease just by testing a person’s urine. One man, who had tennis elbow, decided to fool the doctor. He made an appointment, received his specimen bottle, and was told to come back the next day. That night he urinated in the bottle, then his wife did, followed by his daughter, and the the family dog. Then he masturbated into it as well. He returned the next day with his sample and gave it to the doctor for testing. Four hours later the doctor returned. “You know,” he said, “it took me a long time, but I think I’ve finally got it. Your wife has VD, your daughter is pregnant, your dog has mange, and if you’d quit beating off, you wouldn’t have tennis elbow.”
Limericks
All these small cocks (of which we won’t dwell)
Looked no bigger encouraged to swell; I’ve endured the tedium
Of others, classed medium,
But at last – I’ve discovered XL.
Said a President prone to give pecks,
To those areas other than necks:
“Although this is sultry,
It is not adultery –
I’m not even sure if it’s sex!”
-dedicated to Bill Clinton
A well-endowed chap with a cock,
Several sizes too big for his jock,
Eventually found
It was far better wound
Round one leg and tucked into his sock!
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam;
And loud was his mirth
For he knew that, on earth,
There were only two balls – and he had’em.
Well there you have it. What better way to start off your day and the weekend. These were just a rather tame samples of what’s to come (no pun intended). The next time I’ll use the harsher and crazier stuff.
A week or so ago I posted a list of rather disgusting and disturbing facts about food and the hundreds of possible bacterial issues they provide. Never let it be said that I don’t pass along a continuous stream of useless information to my audience.
With that thought in mind I decided today I’d post a list of somewhat interesting facts about everyone’s favorite subject. . . . Sex! I’m also reasonably sure that none of these facts will initiate any sort of sexual arousal in anyone.. Read on and learn a few things you really don’t want or need to know.
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In an international survey, 14 percent of people admit to having slept with a friend’s lover behind his/her back.
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Some women are allergic to their male partners semen, a condition known as human seminal plasma hypersensitivity.
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One study reports that autoerotic asphyxia, or cutting off oxygen to the brain to achieve greater sexual satisfaction, claims the lives of 500-1000 men each year.
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Keeping a condom in your wallet is a bad idea. The constant friction and temperature changes can cause microscopic tears allowing sperm to get through.
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According to one researcher, women have a higher likelihood than men to settle for a mediocre sex life and unmet emotional needs.
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The average U.S. male’s sperm count has declined thirty percent in the last three decades.
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The average size of an erect penis is five inches, while the average flaccid penis is three and a half inches.
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The sale of sex toys and vibrators is banned in Alabama and Mississippi.
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Wearing too much makeup can mask the scent that attracts men to women during ovulation. An experiment found that a women’s armpit scent was at it’s most attractive to men between the end of her cycle and ovulation, but that this smell is easily obscured by cosmetics.
And here’s my favorite interesting sex fact:
So much for your sex education class. I hope I’ve filled your heads with lots of annoying goodies you can think about while enjoying your next sexual interlude.
Today has turned into a throw away day. It started late last night when I got caught up reading another Jack Reacher adventure novel and before I knew it it was 3 am. I crawled into bed finally and was just about asleep when my better-half’s alarm went off at 4 am. I stumbled into the kitchen and poured myself a large mug of coffee but it barely helped at all. As I groggily passed my better-half in the hallway I kissed her on the forehead entered the bedroom and fell into bed once again. I set my alarm for 830 am because I was sure my eye doctor would be patiently waiting for my arrival in his office at 930 am.
I fell asleep for a half hour and then was forced to get dressed and get moving. I left the house three times and returned within minutes each time. It doesn’t sound like a big deal normally but since the installation of our security system it’s become a real pain in the ass. I returned first when I forgot my camera and left again, then I returned once more when I forgot my Kindle and left again, and lastly I returned because I forgot to turn off the alarm on my beside clock. All that screwing around was making me a little crazy and the alarm system was talking to me the entire time and sending me emails for fifteen minutes. Oh, the price we pay for protection.
I arrived at the Mall of Maine with time to spare but since the stores don’t open until 10 am I couldn’t do any window shopping. I was forced into the food court for a coffee and a little people watching. I try never to go near malls but this trip became very educational very quickly. As I sat drinking my coffee and killing a little time the herds of senior citizens began circling. A continuous stream of blue hairs with walkers, canes, and even wheelchairs went flowing by like a river of old farts. These people are the early morning mall rats who eventually will turn over custody of the mall to the teenage mall rats who like to sleep until early afternoon. Just two moderately interesting social groups with their own little routines and pecking orders.
It was a fashion experience I could have done without. Walking outfits of bright colored spandex were everywhere and I have to say there’s nothing like a seventy-five year old pear shaped cutie in a pink fluorescent body suit strutting her stuff. And believe me she had a lot of stuff to strut. The longer I sat there the more looks I was getting because I was a new face in the crowd. Before I knew it two apparently single ladies plopped down at my table and offered to buy me a coffee refill. Many people say that the girls of our younger generations are somewhat more aggressive than the young girls of the past. I think that’s true to a degree but they have nothing on these single, spry, and sexually interested older women. Man it was a just little scary since I haven’t been hit on like that for quite some time.
Fortunately I was able to sneak away after telling them I was late for my eye doctor appointment. I heard a few "we’ll see you tomorrow’s" as I walked quickly away and made a note to myself on my phone: No more freaking morning mall visits.
Yikes!!!
Every guy loves ogling beautiful women and that includes me. It’s been that way forever and I don’t see it changing any time soon. Woman claim to dislike being stared at but do they really mean it? Victoria Secret’s success has made that claim a little less believable. I’ve had them try to tell me that they wear makeup, revealing clothing, and expensive hair styling just to look good for other women. Do you buy that? Not a chance. They want to be stared at, whistled at, and ogled just as much as the men enjoy doing it. It’s that famous “dance” that the sexes do in a age old mating ritual. If you look good then your choice of mates increases exponentially.
I must say that it’s a fine line for a woman to walk. If you get too revealing you look like a slut. Most guys looking for a serious relationship wouldn’t be drawn to the slutty woman but also wouldn’t hesitate making the occasional booty call to one after a night of drinking and increasing horniness. What most women don’t seem to get is the desire by many men for an attractive, well behaved, and friendly woman who sheds those attributes upon entering the bedroom and turns into a sex crazed slut. I know it isn’t rally fair to all of you women but unfortunately it remains true.
There’s a rule of thumb you’ve probably heard, KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid”. Over the years I’ve developed five simple and easy rules for women to help them have a modicum of success in attracting a possible long term mate.
Rule 1 – Look good but not too good. Just slutty enough to make his mouth water and to keep his fantasies percolating.
Rule 2 – Be flirty but not too dirty or off color. Just a hint of the “bad girl” is usually enough to drive most men over the edge.
Rule 3 – Drink enough but don’t get sloppy drunk. No one wants to have the woman they’re hoping to have sex with throwing up on them. Don’t laugh, it’s happened to me.
Rule 4 – Lay off that constant stream of foul language except in the bedroom. Be coy at first and then turn into that bedroom slut he’s been hoping and searching and wishing for.
Rule 5 – You may be more sexually experienced than he is but don’t show off. Save some of your better moves for later when he’ll thinks he’s the reason you’ve decided to do them.
I’ve always been partial to women who look good but not too good. I love a woman who wears her hair long because I find long hair very sexy. It’s an old Victorian fantasy of mine where you spend a great deal of time peeling off layers of clothing and after all that work she lets down her hair down and you’re good to go. Gives me the shivers just thinking about it.
“With the narrower silhouette, emphasis was placed on the bust, waist and hips. A corset was used to help mold the body to the desired shape.
“Skirts were supported by a hybrid of the bustle and crinoline or hooped petticoat sometimes called a “crinolette”. The crinolette itself was quickly superseded by the true bustle, which was sufficient for supporting the drapery and train at the back of the skirt.”
“The Victorian Version of the J-LO look.”
Well back to topic. I’ve had dealings with a few women in my life and they’ve fallen into any number of different categories. Beautiful, fugly, and all points in between. Each one was a totally different experience, some good and some really effing bad. They can try and deny their innate desire to attract men but down deep in their hearts they know its the truth. They want a good man in a good relationship with kids, a dog, and the white picket fence. After all of that they also want to be the biggest slut they can be in the bedroom and have a man who’ll appreciate it.
SURPRISE LADIES . . . THAT’S WHAT WE WANT TOO
I thought today I would address an issue that seems to have become an accepted illegal activity in parts of our society and other societies in the world. You see it almost every day on TV, in many movies, and in everyday life if you travel to Nevada and Las Vegas. It was also responsible for kick-starting the career of one of America’s most famous actresses, Julia Roberts. It’s known as the world’s oldest profession and I suppose I’d have to agree with that because I can’t prove otherwise. It’s just an excepted fact that almost anywhere at any time in history when you get more than a few human beings living together it’s quite possible one of them will be or will become a prostitute.
I’m about to lay a gang of statistics on you about prostitution in the United States and around the world. The numbers listed are estimated figures collected from open source documents published by security agencies, nongovernmental organizations, and media reports. Thank you so much Internet.
Say what you will, prostitution is big business. The worldwide prostitution revenues are estimated to be $186 billion per year and the number of prostitutes working worldwide is estimated to be near 13,265,900.
How many times in recent memory while watching a Olympic sporting event have you heard the chant, “We’re #1, We’re #1” or U S A, U S A. It may be true in sports but it certainly isn’t true in prostitution. Here are the top ten countries by number of estimated prostitutes. As in many things these days, China is leading the pack.
Number of Prostitutes
1. China 5,000,000
2. India 3,000,000
3. Russia 1,600,000
4. United States 1,000,000
5. Philippines 800,000
6. Mexico 500,000
7. Germany 400,000
8. Thailand 250,000
9. Brazil 250,000 children
10. Bangladesh 200,000
And then there’s poor Ireland:
29. Ireland 1,000
It just goes to prove that the United States is losing market share in everything including the sale of sex. Now I’ll list for you the estimated prices for prostitution services in these great United States of ours. I’ve listed poor Bangladesh only because as far as I can determine from the statistics I reviewed that it’s the cheapest place in the world to get laid.
United States Prostitution Price Sheet
$50 to $100 for street prostitute (National Averages)
High-End Escort in Indianapolis: $500 per hour
High-End Escort in NYC: $10,000 a night
Legal Brothel in Nevada: $200 to $600
Massage Parlor: $200 to $400 for oral sex and intercourse
Massage Parlor Worker Earnings: $8,000 to $10,000
Minnesota: $60 for oral sex with minor
Pennsylvania Earnings: $2,000 a week
Portland, OR: $130
Prison Guards: $150 charged by female guards
Santa Ana, CA: Under $100 per act
Silicon Valley: $350 to $500 per hour
Underage Girls: $40 to $100 for 15 to 30 minutes of sex
Washington, DC: $200 an hour
And once again poor little Bangladesh bringing up the rear (no pun intended).
Bangladesh: $0.60
My next statistic includes the top 10 countries in the world by the estimated revenues collected by their prostitutes. It’s no big surprise the Chinese are again the world leader. The United States has dropped to fifth-place in this category behind our former WW II enemies, Germany and Japan. I’m not sure whether that’s relevant but I’m putting it out there.
Revenues in U.S. Dollars
China $73 Billion
Spain $26.5 Billion
Japan $24 Billion
Germany $18 Billion (Legal Industry)
United States $14.6 Billion
South Korea $12 Billion
India $8.4 Billion
Thailand $6.4 Billion
Philippines $6 Billion
Switzerland $4.4 Billion (Legal Industry)
You regular readers of this blog know I’ve spent many hours compiling lists of totally useless information for your review. Today I’ll be supplying you with totally useless information but only about prostitution and prostitutes. Some of these facts are interesting and some are not but here they are anyway.
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70% of female inmates in American prisons were initially arrested for prostitution.
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Over 1 million people in the US have worked as prostitutes.
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77.8% of prostitution arrests are women, 22.2% men.
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85-90% of those arrested are street prostitutes, who account for only 20% of prostitutes
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Only 3-5% of STDs are prostitution-related.
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80% of prostitutes have been sexually assaulted, some raped as many as 8-10 time annually.
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59% of prostitutes have thought of committing suicide, compared to 61% of non-prostitutes.
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In a study in London, England 50% of clients were married, or cohabiting.
Male prostitutes sometimes report that their clients include married men who identify as heterosexual.
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Street prostitution accounts for between 10 to 20% of the prostitution in larger cities such as Los Angeles, San Francisco and New York.
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The average age of entry into prostitution is 13 years of age.
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52% of the women stated that pornography played a significant role in teaching them what was expected of them as prostitutes.
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A Canadian Report on Prostitution and Pornography concluded that girls and women in prostitution have a mortality rate 40 times higher than the national average.
I suppose you’ve noticed by now that I’ve not mentioned any of my own personal involvement with prostitutes or prostitution. While it’s really no one’s business but my own, I’m not the least bit embarrassed to admit I’ve on occasion paid my own way. It was many years ago in a faraway land and it was a “Right of Passage” for some of us servicemen. Of course after looking at today’s prices I’d be forced to travel to Bangladesh to be able to afford it. Don’t forget, I’m on a fixed retirement income and I’m forced to watch every penny but even I could afford $ .60.
I’ve been racking my brain for the last few days trying to come up with some ideas for my least favorite holiday that’s approaching. Everyone on the planet knows it’s a made-up holiday supported primarily by greeting card companies but it doesn’t change the fact that we men are required to do the proper thing regardless for Valentine’s Day. The proper thing being candy, flowers, and an emotional and over the top “love” card. If you really want to get lucky it also may require an expensive dinner and a crazy night on the town. It’s kind of like Christmas. You get one big gift that’s meant to last the whole year.
I really don’t mean to sound like a man but unfortunately that’s what I am. I decided to do a little net surfing in an attempt to identify those things that men want from women in a relationship and vice versa. It seems that everyone is an expert on this subject and in order for me to be thorough I would’ve been forced to read through hundreds of websites. My laziness resulted in these two lists with 10 items each listing the primary “wants” from both genders. This first list is what men are looking for in the women they date in the hopes of finding their soulmate.
What Men Want in Women
Physical Intimacy
Confident
Attractiveness
Love
Security
Trust
Sense of Humor
Supportive
As you can see there are no surprises in that list. This next list is things wanted by women in their men to qualify them for “soulmate” status.
What Women Want in Men
Love
Sense of Humor
Confident
Respectful
Sexual Passion
Trustworthy
Chivalrous
Attractive
Ambitious
Imaginative
Again no real surprises at all. Some minor differences but nothing too shocking. Let me make a statement that in my humble opinion will sum up the main wants and needs of both sexes in one simple sentence.
“I want an attractive, confident, trustworthy, and sexy person.”
For me that says it all. Those characteristics were common to both lists and I suspect haven’t changed much since the first man met the first women. Thousands of years, millions of people, trillions of dollars, and I figured it all out in an hour. So if you have all of these qualities you should be in demand as a single person and a major catch for marriage seekers. If you think that that sentence describes you and you aren’t in demand it can only mean one thing. I got it all wrong. If I’m wrong then I’d advise you to get your ass in gear and buy some candy, some flowers, a mushy card, a fancy dinner, and then pray for the sex your hoping to get on Valentine’s Day night.
For a few extra thrills throw in some jewelry. Also I find it a little interesting that Valentine’s Day is represented by the initials VD. I don’t think it means anything, I’m just saying.
On many occasions I’ve posted about “Battle of the Sexes” issues much to the delight of both men and women. I’ve tried keeping things humorous but many members of both sexes seem to take it way more serious than I do. With that in mind, I thought I’d make these following facts available to both sexes to be used in whatever fashion they see fit.
I could spend a lot of time referencing my sources for this nonsense but I’m not going to do that either. While it is meant to be humorous the following facts and statements were actually retrieved from a published book. Believe them or not.
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44% of PhD’s in biology and the life sciences are awarded to women.
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Women spend nearly 3 years of their lives getting ready to leave the house. Men spend three months waiting for their wives and girlfriends while out shopping.
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74% of the women passengers aboard the Titanic survived, compared with 20% of the men.
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In March 2009 Monaco became the last country to appoint a female member of government.
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In Brazil, 62% of higher education students are women.
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French males cannot marry until they are 18, but females can marry at only 15.
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In the United States in 2005, one third of wives out earned their husbands.
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Half of the men in the United States say they feel nervous in the company of women.
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Women make up 70% of Algeria’s lawyers and 60% of its judges.
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Women drivers are three times more likely than men to suffer whiplash injuries in their cars hit from behind, because they generally sit closer to the steering wheel.
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A typical man is 50 to 70% water, a typical woman, 40 to 60%.
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On average women take three times as long to use the toilet is meant.
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Men and women differ genetically by 1 to 2%, as wide a gap as the one that separates women from female chimpanzees.
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Women earn 57% of the bachelors degrees and 59% of Masters degrees in the United States, and a majority of research PhD’s, but only 24% of PhD’s in the physical sciences.
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In Chicago and New York, among other American cities, full-time female employees in their 20s earn more on average than males.
I tried to be as fair as possible when listing these facts and while I’ll defend my gender with my life, fairness rules here on this blog. The “War Between the Sexes” for me has always been a tongue-in-cheek kind of thing and I intend to keep it that way.
I’m feeling particularly lazy today and I’m also in a good mood and that combination of things almost never happens. I could get into one of my usual political rants or maybe a journal entry explaining to you how boring my life usually is but I won’t do that either. Everyone loves to laugh and I’ll try to make that happen today.
Without a healthy sense of humor life can become tedious. I enjoy a good dirty limerick or a good off-color joke like most people because they help make our existence on this ball of mud we call Earth bearable.
I’ve collected a few jokes that have tickled my fancy in the past and I thought I’d pass them along. Everything is better when accompanied by humor and I do mean everything. People seem friendlier, music sounds better, food tastes better, and the sex is OMFG incredible. Read these jokes and then say hello to a friend, play a good song, eat a good sandwich, and then bang your significant other. Then call me and let me know how much better it all was.
Read on, all of you laughter-starved people. Let’s start off with a reasonable explanation on the differences between men and women.
Friendship among women: A woman doesn’t come home at night. The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend’s house. The man calls his wife’s ten best friends. None of them know about it.
Friendship among men: A man doesn’t come home at night. The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friend’s house. The woman calls her husband’s ten best friends. Eight of them say he slept over. Two claim he’s still there.
Next a joke that takes a while to find your funny bone but when it finally does you’ll love it.
The phone call
((((RING))))
**Pick Up**
“Hello?” “Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?” “No Daddy, She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.” After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.” “Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy right now” …..
** Brief Pause**
“Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute” A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it, Daddy” “And what happened honey?” he asked “Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!” “Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?” “He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead”
***Long Pause***
******Longer Pause******
Then Daddy says: “Swimming pool?? .. Is this 486-5731??”
Are you laughing yet? I know it was a little morbid but that’s what makes humor so cool. Even morbid is funny. Next on my list is a little something that’s humorous and irritating all at the same time. I dislike all Unions and never miss a chance to tweak their noses a bit.
Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, “Jesus, I’ve suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war…could you help me?”
“Of course, my son”, Jesus said, and when he touched the man’s back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man’s glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man’s eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, “Don’t touch me! I’m on long term disability.”
If you’re like me, visiting movie theaters has become something I choose not to do. Ignorant people carrying on loud conversations together or on their freaking cell phones making it virtually impossible to focus on the expensive movie that’s playing. This joke is for them.
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?” “Sam,” the man moaned. “Where ya from, Sam?” With pain in his voice Sam replied “The balcony.”
And last but not least I’ll again address the humor rich subject of the “war between the sexes”. I’ll ask all of you married guys out there if this joke reminds you of anyone you know.
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.” The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.” The wife is furious. She yells at him “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore …” The man sighs and says, “It’s started …”
I hope this starts your day with a smile.
Five shopping days leaves little time to do much of anything. In keeping with the holiday I thought a little Christmas poetry was in order. This year for me has been more than a little strange. Broken bones and weight loss were my themes this year and thankfully I found this version of “The Night Before Christmas” written for strictly for us dieters. Enjoy!
The Dieter’s Night Before Christmas
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.
My droll little mouth and my round little belly,
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry–
If temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
In the morning I’ll starve… ’til I take that first bite!
Dieting for me isn’t quite Christmassy enough. Many years ago I had a “friend” sent me this next version which was much more to my liking. Sex always sells so why not a sexy “Twas the Nite Before” instead of the traditional version. Maybe on Christmas Eve I’ll sent along a copy of the original to get us all into the real Christmas spirit. Enjoy this off-color version for now.
Night Before Sexmas
Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we’d built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I’m speaking, he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn’t sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don’t hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, ’cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamppost, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
“That was some brothel,” he said with a smile,
“The reindeer are pooped, and I’ll just stay here awhile.”
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa’s next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn’t even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
“This stuff ain’t for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit.
So I’ll leave ’em here, and then I’ll just split.”
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,
Saying, “Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a BITCH!”
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!”
FIVE SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
I’m big on noticing things no matter where I am or what else I may seem to be doing. I pay attention to what I see and also to what I hear. Within the last few years I’ve noticed a trend I’d like to talk about. Is it me or are the youngest of our generations indiscriminately using the word “love” or the phrase “I love you” too much. It seems that way to me.
In my younger days my generation was more likely to say “I like you.” than “I love you.” Using those famous “three little words” was a serious matter. The word “love” wasn’t cast about to just anyone. Maybe these newer generations have overused the word “like” until it no longer has any real meaning to them. “Like me on Twitter”, “Like me on Facebook”, OMG, stop the madness. The only word they have left to convey feelings is “love” and they are using and abusing it much as they’ve done with “like”. We as a society seem to be wearing out our language. Can anyone out there suggest a new word we can all use in explaining our feelings for someone that isn’t “like or love”? I can’t.
I’m bothered by the term "I love you." I never worried about it as a kid because it was against the rules in our house to admit loving anyone or anything. It wasn’t until I turned twelve that it became an issue for the first time for me. I fell into a state of hormonal excitement and arousal that was almost more than I could handle. In those days if a girl even walked by me quickly, the breeze from her passing could and did cause the occasional embarrassing erection (the good old days).
Around that time I slow danced for the first time with a girl at a local pool hall where we spent our lunch breaks. There were no parents around to tell us to "leave space for the Holy Spirit" between our bodies and we didn’t. That was back in the day of bras that later motivated Madonna to slut it up with her torpedo boobs. I can still hear the song that was playing, Sixteen Candles, and can still feel those hard and pointy boobs pressing against my neck. You see, she was a bit taller than I (lucky me). I was in love or so I thought and it was really really good. I’d finally found the promised land and now that I was there I had no idea what to do next. So began my endless journey to find more true love and maybe just maybe understand it.
Saying “I love you” is the proverbial double edged sword. In order to convince a young lady to permit the occasional touching of her breasts or the touching of other more important things, you had to say those magic words. If you made the mistake of saying "the words" based on your testosterone enhanced mental state, you were truly screwed and not in a good way. It was an informal commitment made in the heat of the moment that was damn difficult to recover from. The physical rewards were out-weighed by all of the time and effort spent in trying to untangle yourself from someone whose attraction lessened with each touch of her private parts.
As any man will confirm, our youth was a continuous stream of such encounters which eventually made the term "I love you" a real no-no. If you were lucky enough to escape any incidents of accidental pregnancy you moved on into young adulthood with an even bigger fear of saying “the words”.
The next stage of development into those dreaded teenage years was to actually find yourself involved sexually with someone who was a tremendous bed partner but lacked in other areas. If you said “the words” after a few months of constantly screwing her then you opened yourself up for even more problems. The casual hints, the accidental walking by of a jewelry store and noticing all the beautiful engagement rings. Danger . . . Danger!!! One fatal step closer to the dreaded "M" word, marriage. Again saying “the words” remained a huge negative but if you avoided the accidental pregnancy issue, it still might take you months to finally escape her clutches.
Move ahead a few more years and many things have again changed. Saying ‘the words” had not. Now the women are older, their biological clocks are ticking, and the fear of never finding that illusive soul-mate is driving them to take desperate measures. Then they start casually throwing the “L” words around in an attempt to entrap you when you answer in kind during a heated sexual encounter. Danger . . . Danger! Keeping your mouth shut should be your first line of protection. Be sure to use latex protection during your sexual explorations because there are certain women out there who could or would consider becoming pregnant just to reach their fairy tale ending.
Move ahead a few more years and you’re newly divorced but lucky enough to have no children to muck up the situation. “The words” again come into play as you wander far and wide through an endless number of single mom’s, divorced mom’s, and the occasional married woman looking for any action she can find. Relationships are a minefield you must must tiptoe through, it’s a dangerous game and not for the faint of heart.
We’ve come a long way from that first dance I mentioned but “the words” still don’t come easily. Now you find yourself headed for a possible second marriage where someone else’s children are included and possibly a few of your own from your first marriage. Your new marriage requires that at a minimum you use “the words” during your occasional sexual encounters. You’re finally in a place where you should be saying “the words” on a regular basis but they’re still difficult to put out there.
So what are my conclusions? I think that the battering most of us take as we grow up, have relationships, get married, and have children takes it’s toll on us emotionally. The fact that we continue to seek that “love” says a lot for our perseverance and our desire to have someone truly love us back. All of the younger generations who throw the “L” word around so easily will find out very quickly how important it really is. Getting your heart broken a few times will then teach them to speak carefully about love and maybe just “liking” someone is the way to go.
everyuselessthing.com 