Archive for the ‘stupid’ Tag
I’m a huge critic of the media but at the same time I try to remain fair in that criticism, Truthfully, I hate them all. When this government of ours was created the Media was to be a watchdog on those politicians known for being corrupt and wasteful with our tax dollars. The process begins to breakdown once the Media becomes a tool of the government. You can see it now with Obama putting the Media through it’s paces with little or no criticism of any wrongdoing. They worship the ground he walks on and it’s pitiful. I think the turning point was reached when all of the largest newspapers and Media outlets were purchased by corporate America. It’s was a “Kiss of Death” to our democracy as it was meant to be.
The Media has the luxury of editing and reporting only those things that agree with their political agendas as directed by the corporate bosses. The good quality journalists have become extinct and are only talked about around the water coolers of the surviving newsgroups. What we have now are over educated talking heads who are news readers rather than investigative reporters. The following list is humorous but at the same time just reinforces my thoughts on the subject.
How do you like these idiotic headlines written by alleged reporters, edited by alleged editors, and published as shown. Unbelievable is the word your looking for. Here we go.
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE – ONE DIES
TWO SISTERS REUNITE AFTER EIGHTEEN YEARS AT CHECKOUT COUNTER
NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES FROM LOVED ONE
NICARAGUA SETS GOAL TO WIPE OUT LITERACY
DRUNK DRIVERS PAID $1,000 IN 1984
AUTOS KILLING 110 A DAY, LET’S RESOLVE TO DO BETTER
IF STRIKE ISN’T SETTLED QUICKLY IT MAY LAST A WHILE
WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE
SMOKERS ARE PRODUCTIVE, BUT DEATH CUTS EFFICIENCY
COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
CHILD’S DEATH RUINS COUPLE’S HOLIDAY
BLIND WOMAN GETS NEW KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN’T SEEN IN YEARS
MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN
SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERTS SAY
DEATH CAUSES LONELINESS, FEELING OF ISOLATION
Remember what you’ve read here when they begin telling you how to think and vote. Believe nothing they say unless you can verify it though other reliable sources. It’s your country, take the time and make the effort.
I’m declaring today as Silly Day. As I’m feeling right now I have no interest in anything important. I don’t want to discuss the problems of our society, questions about the universe or the reason why my legs and butt cheeks hurt when I get up in the morning. None of that is least bit important today.
I have quite the collection of quotes and sayings and adages for every occasion but today Silly and Stupid reign supreme. The following tidbits address just about anything you’d like to think about and do so in a silly and stupid way. These tidbits have been obtained from all sorts of strange and wonderful sources from TV shows, philosophers, and even a comedian or two.
We all need to laugh once in a while. Enjoy!
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Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. – Rita Mae Brown
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A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him. – Sir Winston Churchill
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Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off. – Anonymous
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Dance until your feet hurt. Sing until your lungs hurt. Act until you’re William Hurt. – Phil Dunphy of Modern Family
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Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. – Carl Zwanzig
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Home is heaven and orgies are vile but I like an orgy, once in a while. – Ogden Nash
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A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. – Jack Benny
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I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. – Fred Allen
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Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker. – From the movie Naked
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Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you. – Colin Sautar
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Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years. – Anonymous
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A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge. – Robert Brault
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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. – Anonymous
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She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. – Mae West
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She was what we used to call a suicide blond – dyed by her own hand. – Saul Bellow
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After all, what is your host’s purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. – P.J. O’Rourke
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I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. – Elayne Boosler
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If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me. – Song title by Jimmy Buffet
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Man was predestined to have free will. – Hal Lee Luyah
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Maybe this world is another planet’s hell. – Aldous Huxley
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Murphy was an optimist. – O’Toole’s Commentary
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The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. – Bill Watterson
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You can’t have everything… where would you put it? – Steven Wright
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He’s turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed. – Harry Kalas
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I plan on living forever. So far, so good. – Anonymous
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Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter. – Anonymous
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Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad. – P.D. East
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As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around. – Robert Brault
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I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants. – Dave Beard
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There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family. – Jerry Seinfeld
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And on the eighth day God said, “Okay, Murphy, you’re in charge!” – Anonymous
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When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football. – Anonymous
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A great name for a new country song: If I’d Shot You Sooner, I’d Be Out of Jail by Now. – Anonymous
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. – Fred Allen
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Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. – H.L. Mencken
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A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. – Anonymous
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A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t. – Anonymous
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All generalizations are bad. – R.H. Grenier
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All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. – Jane Wagner, The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe
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The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away. – Tom Waits
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Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. – Attributed to both Jason Hutchison and John Benfield
Did I lie? Silly and Stupid. I just felt like lightening matters up today because if I take a peek into the real world it depresses the hell out of me. Politics sickens me and listening to drug company commercials and the constant stream of advertisements on every bit of media almost every second of every day of every year for the rest of my effing life makes me want to scream out loud.
The weekend is coming, so let this steaming pile of minutia get you in the right frame of mind.
I decided to brave the cold this morning just to get out of the house for a few minutes. Everything was fine until I made that one fatal mistake. I turned on a local Maine radio station and within two minutes my blood pressure was soaring. There was a young lady being interviewed who sounded like she might have been twenty-one years old. She was a “Journalist” and I use the term loosely. She was going to explain to all of us in the audience about the eight million senior citizens in this country who are “food challenged”. That supposedly means they don’t have the proper food with the proper vitamins and minerals to maintain a healthy life style. She was also concerned with seniors living in northern Maine in agricultural areas she termed “food deserts”.
Please someone just take a gun and shoot me, please!!! I understand now why at a certain point the very elderly get tired of living. To be in your eighties and to have been force fed political correct crap for 40 years can send you over the edge. What boggles my mind is that everyone you talk to hates political correctness. Many of those same people must be either disingenuous or big, fat liars. If everyone hates it so much why is it thriving in this country?
The following list of quotations are from both celebrities and intellectuals. I realize that the people who fawn over celebrities are more likely to be some of the “politically correct weasels” who say they hate it it but really don’t. Many of these quotes are for them.
“Don’t ever call me mad, Mycroft. I’m not mad. I’m just … well, differently moraled, that’s all.” ― Jasper Fforde, The Eyre Affair
“A lot of people are bored of all the political correctness.” – Clint Eastwood
“The greatest enemy of clear language is insincerity.” ― George Orwell
“I got a feeling about political correctness. I hate it. It causes us to lie silently instead of saying what we think.” – Hal Holbrook
“You’re not allowed to call them dinosaurs any more,” said Yo-less. “It’s speciesist. You have to call them pre-petroleum persons.” – ― Terry Pratchett, Johnny and the Bomb
“I believe that political correctness can be a form of linguistic fascism, and it sends shivers down the spine of my generation who went to war against fascism.” – P. D. James
“As societies grow decadent, the language grows decadent, too. Words are used to disguise, not to illuminate, action: you liberate a city by destroying it. Words are to confuse, so that at election time people will solemnly vote against their own interests.” ― Gore Vidal
“Whether it’s people walking off ‘The View’ when Bill O’Reilly makes a statement about radical Islam or Juan Williams being fired for expressing his opinion, over-reaching political correctness is chipping away at the fundamental American freedoms of speech and expression.” – Eric Cantor
“I know that even now, having watched enough television, you probably won’t even refer to them as lepers so as to spare their feelings. You probably call them ‘parts-dropping-off challenged’ or something.” ― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff
“The problem is that it has become politically awkward to draw attention to absolutes of bad and good. In place of manners, we now have doctrines of political correctness, against which one offends at one’s peril: by means of a considerable circular logic, such offences mark you as reactionary and therefore a bad person. Therefore if you say people are bad, you are bad.”
― Lynne Truss, Talk to the Hand: The Utter Bloody Rudeness of the World Today, or Six Good Reasons to Stay Home and Bolt the Door
“Political correctness has become a straightjacket.” – Gary Oldman
“The old restriction meant that only the orthodox were allowed to discuss religion. Modern liberty means that nobody is allowed to discuss it. Good taste, the last and vilest of human superstitions, has succeeded in silencing us where all the rest have failed.” ― G.K. Chesterton, Heretics
“When political correctness first started coming around, it ruined Andrew Dice Clay and Eddie Murphy’s stand-up career. Sam Kinison died at just the right time, ’cause no one was going to tolerate what he was saying anymore either.” – Artie Lange
“The critical importance of honest journalism and a free flowing, respectful national conversation needs to be had in our country. But it is being buried as collateral damage in a war whose battles include political correctness and ideological orthodoxy.” – Juan Williams
“I think you have to judge everything based on your personal taste. And if that means being critical, so be it. I hate political correctness. I absolutely loathe it.” – Simon Cowell
“Those who are most sensitive about “politically incorrect” terminology are not the average black ghetto-dweller, Asian immigrant, abused woman or disabled person, but a minority of activists, many of whom do not even belong to any “oppressed” group but come from privileged strata of society.” ― Theodore Kaczynski, Industrial Society and Its Future
“Can’t call ‘em zombies anymore,” sighed Manny. He seemed almost wistful. “Now we gotta be all politically correct. It’s like the Cold Wars never happened.” ― David S.E. Zapanta, Posthumous
In my opinion there’s nothing more to be said on the subject. For all of you “politically correct weasels” out there . . . KMA.
It’s Tuesday and we have seven shopping days left until Christmas. Are you stressed, pissed, and have you completely lost your sense of humor? Well, welcome to the club. Since Christmas has both the ability to excite and depress me I think a little darkness is necessary which fits right in with my current mindset. I’ve collected tombstone epithets for years and even took to the graveyards of Massachusetts while living there and made gravestone rubbings of some of the more interesting. They are at times poignant, heartfelt, funny, and even sarcastic. They do tend to get right to the point about the dearly departed who would be spinning in their graves if they ever read them. I hope they make you smile like they do for me.
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Here lies Lester Moore, four slugs from a 44, no Les, No More. Tombstone, Arizona
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Of children in all she bore twenty-four: Thank the Lord there will be no more. Canterbury, Kent, England
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Here lies the body of John Mound, Lost at Sea and never found. Winslow, Maine
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Here lies I, Jonathan Fry. Killed by a sky-rocket in my eye socket. Frodsham, Cheshire, England
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Here lies John Ross, Kicked by a horse. Channel Islands, England
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Here lies Jane Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of the same style 350 dollars. Springdale, Ohio
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Neglected by his doctor, ill treated by his nurse, his brother robbed the widow, which made it all the worse. Dulverton, Somerset, England
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Stranger approach this spot with gravity; John Brown is filling his last cavity. A Dentist
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Beneath this stone old Abraham lies; Nobody laughs and nobody cries. Where he is gone and how he fares, Nobody knows and nobody cares. For Abraham Newland
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Beneath these stones repose the bones of Theodosius Grim; He took his beer from year to year, and then the beer took him. A Beer Drinker
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Here lies the body of our Anna, Done to death by a banana. It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low, but the skin of the thing that made her go. Enosburg, Vermont
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Grim Death took me without any warning, I was well at night and dead in the morning. Sevenoaks, Kent, England
I looked up a few others in my archive since I know you all love your celebrities. Some are cute, some lame, but who really cares?
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My Jesus, mercy” Al Capone
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“The best is yet to come.” Frank Sinatra
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“This is the last of Earth! I am content!” John Quincy Adams (1767 – 1848)
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“Truth and History. 21 Men. The Boy Bandit King. He Died As He Lived. William H. Bonney ‘Billy the Kid'” Billy the Kid (unknown)
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“That’s all, folks!” Mel Blanc (the epitaph is the trademark line of cartoon character Porky Pig.
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“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.” Winston Churchill
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“She did it the hard way” Bette Davis
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“Nothing’s So Sacred As Honor And Nothing’s So Loyal As Love” Wyatt Earp
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“I had a lover’s quarrel with the world” Robert Frost
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“Hey Ram” (Translated “Oh, God”) Mahatma Gandhi
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“Free at last. Free at last. Thank God Almighty I’m Free At Last.” Martin Luther King, Jr.
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“Workers of all lands unite. The philosophers have only interpreted the world in various ways; the point is to change it.” Karl Marx
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“Truth to your own spirit” Jim Morrison
GET SOME REST, ONLY SEVEN SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
I’m still trying desperately to figure out exactly what New Year’s resolutions I need to make for 2014. I’d like just once to be taking this process seriously instead of resorting to silly and humorous resolutions that I never intend to keep. I decided as always that further research is necessary to assist me in my endeavors.
Being the patriotic citizen that I am what better place to start than with the always politically correct US Government webpage. Here’s their suggested list of New Year’s resolutions for 2014 which are so politically correct and lame they must have been written by Obama himself.
Drink Less Alcohol
Eat Healthy Food
Get a Better Education
Get a Better Job
Get Fit
Lose Weight
Manage Debt
Manage Stress
Quit Smoking
Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle
Save Money
Take a Trip
Volunteer to Help Others
I was seriously tempted not to put that list in this posting because it’s so damn embarrassing. However it’s important that I look at all the possibilities when trying to decide what will be my goals for the new year. During my research I then discovered a suggested list of New Year’s resolutions for senior citizens. I knew that list was going to piss me off because there’s no way someone who is not a senior citizen can write a list for senior citizens. Here’s that list and it’s only a little offensive and condescending.
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Visit your local senior center.
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Plan to eat at least one nourishing meal a day, not junk food or fast food, but a real meal.
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Increase your social contacts and make new friends at any senior center.
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Consider getting help If you live alone and don’t have family or friends.
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Learn how to use the Internet.
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Schedule regular exercise.
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Clean house. Go through your residence to identify items you no longer want, need or will never use again.
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Get your papers/affairs in order.
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Consider a personal emergency response system.
Well was I right or was I wrong? You can’t expect much more from a non-senior. Now, in an attempt at diversity which I’m almost always famous for I decided to see what our friends in the hip-hop community are resolving to do during 2014. These listed resolutions are not from one single rapper but a number of people involved in the hip-hop music scene. They’ll speak for themselves with no further comments from me.
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I’m an artist…Silence is my canvas!
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Focus more on the music.
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By the end of the year I’d like to receive some monetary compensation for creating music.
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As nice as it is to get weed or liquor for beats, I think I’m ready to step up.
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Stop spending more time on set up and reading manuals than I do writing.
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Start playing my saxophone on a daily basis again? Oh yeah,and get some exercise…..
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Return to sample based 90’s boom bap including scratches.
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Take guitar lessons.
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Get back to basics and not focus on what I hear on the radio and finish my studio.
My one last attempt at finding some real help on the Internet landed me onto the trail of a British stripper. Her heartfelt resolutions touched my heart and seemed more genuine than most of the others I’ve mentioned. This is obviously a woman who loves her work and is trying to make those improvements necessary to increase her revenue stream. If I knew where she actually worked I just might be tempted to pay her a visit and be talked into stuffing a few good old American dollar bills into some really interesting British places.
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Work on my flexibility.
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Whiten those teeth.
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Work at least four days a week.
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Work on a few new variations to my lap dance routines.
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Wake up sober on Thursdays.
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I’m going to begin yoga until I can once again lick my own leg.
All of this research hasn’t help me at all. My list of resolutions for 2014 is still tentative. I can’t decide on what approach to take in writing them and this research has made it even more difficult. I have a few weeks before the end of the year and I’ll continue my diligent efforts to come up with a few real resolutions I can strive for. I’d hate to be forced to again resort to making a list with items that are humorous, sarcastic, and silly.
More to come.
Today’s the day that I began my yearly chore of putting together my list of New Year’s resolutions. I realize that for most people New Year’s resolutions aren’t taken all that seriously and that over the years they’ve become something meant to be humorous. In my righteous attempt to do it seriously this year I decided to search the Net for any new ideas or tips that could help me. Amazingly, I found quite a number of websites with prewritten lists made for both children and adults. I guess they think that just printing off the list from their webpage gives some kind of credibility to people who are too lazy to take the time to do it properly. Shame on all of you who decided to take the easy way out and use one of those sites.
Here’s one of those lists suggested for younger children and you can decide just how lame it is or isn’t. Or better, would you want your kids to use this list or make up their own.
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I will do my homework in time.
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I will sleep in time.
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I will drink milk and water, and limit aerated drinks.
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I’ll never give out personal information such as my name, home address, school name or telephone number on the Internet or to strangers.
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I’ll be nice to other kids. I’ll be friendly to kids who need friends – like someone who is shy, or is new to my school.
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I will wear my seat belt every time I get in a car. I’ll sit in the back seat and use a booster seat until I am tall enough to use a lap/shoulder seat belt.
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I will apply sunscreen before I go outdoors.
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I will try to stay in the shade whenever possible and wear a hat and sunglasses, especially when I’m playing sports.
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I will try to find a sport (like basketball or soccer) or an activity (skipping rope, dancing or horse riding) that I like and do it at least three times a week!
You have to admit this list is no more than politically correct nonsense. You may be able to force your kids to accept this list as their own but their heart just wouldn’t be in it. I continued my search looking for more resolutions that applied mainly to adults and found much more of the same. Premade politically correct BS which didn’t help me at all. I then sat down at my desk and put together this list of humorous adult resolutions found at another such site.
1. This year, I’m just making one New Year’s resolution: Stop making resolutions. My only other resolution is to quit breaking my resolutions.
2. I probably shouldn’t be making any new resolutions this year…mainly because I’m still working on the ones from last year.
3. This year my New Year’s resolution was to stop saying ‘Seacrest out!’ after I ejaculated.
4. I will stop peeping into my boyfriend’s female friends profile on Facebook.
Again I was disappointed. The adult resolutions while trying to be humorous were even more stupid than I’d expected. I was forced to go to the archives once more and find my posted resolutions for 2013. I was expecting no surprises because I couldn’t remember a single one of them. Here they are with the results of my efforts of which I’m truly ashamed.
1. Don’t wear sweat pants outside the confines of the house less than twice a week (demanded by my better-half). FAILED
2. Pay less than $75.00 a month at Dunkin Donuts. I failed at the $50.00 level, now I’ll just up the monthly amount and hopefully be successful. COMPLETED
3. Tell my better-half I love her at least twenty times a day (again her idea). FAILED
4. Attempt to develop a casual and platonic friendship with my weird neighbors. FAILED
5. Convince my better-half that pizza is not an official food group and refuse to eat it more than once a week. FAILED
6. Don’t call the President a stupid, effing, liberal, socialist, narcissistic A-hole more than twenty times a week. FAILED
7. Read 3 non-fiction and 3 fiction books a month. COMPLETED
8. Fire at least 1000 rounds of ammo a quarter to fine tune my shooting skills to prepare for the impending anarchism which will follow. FAILED
9. Take a vacation to some exotic and strange non-American land (like maybe Boston, New York, San Francisco, or LA). FAILED
10. Refuse to eat dog food more than three times a month to help pay for my mandated Obamacare taxes. COMPLETED
It appears that my accomplishments for 2013 were an abject failure. The fact that I couldn’t remember any of them leads me to believe that in my attempt at humor I cheapened the New Year’s resolution process. What I’m about to show you is NOT, I repeat NOT the final version of my resolutions for 2014. This is just a draft list with my initial thoughts on the matter and I’m sure some changes may be required. See what you think about these.
(Draft Only)
1. Start washing my hands after I use the restroom or just stop peeing on my hands.
2. Stop licking almost everything (well almost everything).
3. Never eat yellow snow or brown asparagus (for you lovey).
4. Spend less than $1000.00 for coffee at Dunkin Donuts this year.
5. Claim my pet as a dependent on my tax return.
6. Start smoking to lose weight.
7. Watch less T.V…. in standard definition.
8. Buy larger clothes.
9. Help kids stay safe by not texting on my cell phone while driving near crosswalks.
10. Stop buttering my doughnuts.
Well there you have it, my first thoughts on the subject for 2014. I certainly need to give it a little more thought as you can see. If you really think about it though, it just makes good sense to have fewer resolutions every year. It helps to keep you from disappointing yourself too much and you’ll then feel less guilty about how little willpower you really have. Hopefully I’ll have my final version completed prior to New Year’s Eve which will give me one more thing to celebrate.
Having worked in and out of this country’s judicial system (I use the term loosely) for decades I feel I’ve earned the right to be as critical of the players in that systems as I care to be. For me it’s a given that most defendants are borderline idiots or they wouldn’t be doing the sort of things requiring arrest. The attorneys are almost as bad and deserve whatever criticism they get as well. The judges and the remainder of the system are flawed as well but as it’s always said, “our system may a mess but it’s better than all of the others.” That’s a paraphrased quote that I didn’t intentionally butcher, it just kind of happened.
Todays posting includes a few on the record questions and answers from a combination of stupid, inept, and well educated individuals. They’re questions and answers are pitiful if they weren’t so ridiculous and at times funny. That these were taken from actual court transcripts is really the scariest part.
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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
My only advice is to avoid the judicial system at all costs. It’s flawed just enough to make it possible for totally innocent people to be convicted and confined. It’ doesn’t happen all that often but it does occasionally occur. Clean living and avoiding criminal elements is my best advice, it just isn’t worth the risk. You’ve been warned.
I found out the hard way that having a broken leg as we come into the holiday season is a mixed blessing. I’m three and a half weeks into this injury with at least three more weeks before I can start walking on it again on a limited basis. I’m quickly finding out that the boredom and being housebound is worse than the actual injury itself.
I found myself becoming a little hard to live with since I’ve apparently developed a rather bad temper. I just can’t seem to adjust to this slower lifestyle and my better-half is paying the price for it. With lots of Christmas season activities on the horizon she’ll be overloaded with decorating, baking, and house cleaning. I plan on helping where I can but truthfully I won’t be much help.
I put myself on her sh** list a few days ago. She knew how much I was itching to get out of the house so she took my car keys to work with her to keep me from doing something crazy. Being the persistent pain-in-the-ass that I am I found my extra set of keys hidden in a secret location. I hobbled to the garage, jumped in the car and drove a few miles to get a fresh cup of coffee and a sandwich. It wasn’t easy fitting my big ass, crutches, and the huge air cast into the front seat but I did it anyway. I made the trip without incident and returned home feeling pretty proud of myself. That lasted until my better-half got home from work then the you-know-what hit the fan. I’m now officially grounded. That hasn’t happened to me for a very long time and I don’t like it any better now than I did then. I pushed my luck with my little trip but now I’m paying the price for my stupidity.
I returned to the orthopedist for my three week exam and received nothing but good news. The bone is knitting itself nicely and no surgery will be required. I’m now permitted to slowly increase the amount of weight on it over the next three weeks. At that point I’ll be scheduled for some limited physical therapy and hopefully I’ll be back on my feet and ready to party by New Years.
I wouldn’t wish this kind of injury on my worst enemy. It’s frustrating and humbling to find yourself helpless. Last night as I was watching TV I heard my better-half upstairs doing something. A few minutes later she started down the steps when I heard a loud crash. She screamed my name and I hopped my way over to the stairs. She had fallen much like I had and fortunately only bruised her thigh, leg, and hand. She broke no bones but she’ll be sore as hell for a few days. We should be made the official poster children for CLUMSY. I may be forced to install a damn elevator so the two of us don’t cripple ourselves permanently.
Happy Effing Holidays! 2013, a year to remember and then immediately forget.
Today is “Stupid” day here at Every Useless Thing. I thought I’d start your short trip through my neighborhood with this photo that is worth much more than a thousand words. It perfectly explains for me our government’s innate ability to handle those complex jobs they keep asking us to finance.
Let’s move on to our next subject which has always been a source of mirth and giggling for me. I love anything fart related thanks to my late father. He had a strange sense of humor that as a child I learned to appreciate and be wary of. I learned at a very early age when he stuck out his hand and requested “smell my fingers” that I should run not walk away as quickly as possible. He nailed me with that prank just once but kept trying for the next thirty years to get me a second time. Here are a few fart facts you probably don’t know.
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Termites are the largest producers of farts.
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Farts are created mostly by E. coli.
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On the average a fart is composed of about 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen, 9% carbon dioxide, 7% methane, and 4% oxygen. Less than 1% is what makes them stink.
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The temperature of a fart at time of creation is 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit.
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Farts have been clocked at a speed of 10 feet per second. (Where’s the record on hang-time?)
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A person produces about half a liter of farts a day.
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Although they won’t admit it, women fart as much as men. (And they really reek – just a personal observation.)
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The word "fart" comes from the Old English "feortan" (meaning "to break wind").
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Excess gas in the intestinal is medically termed "flatulence."
So much for your continuing fart education. Next is a photograph for all of those American commuters who daily ride the rails to and from work in most of our major cities. Stop your bitching and complaining about the crowds and the terrible conditions. As you can see by this photo it can get worse.
I’ll just bet that riding on that train gives a whole new meaning to the term B.O. God bless America! Now in keeping with this blogs name, here are a few totally useless facts which are stupid and interesting all at the same time.
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A bag of 1,000 quarters weighs 13.42 lbs.
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You can’t sneeze in your sleep.
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Siphonapterology is the study of fleas.
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The albatross can fly while sleeping.
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Morphine is named after the Greek god of sleep.
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Pigs can get a suntan.
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Alfred Hitchcock had no bellybutton.
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Ostriches don’t bury their heads in the sand.
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There are 31,557,600 seconds in a year.
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Hitler’s favorite movie was King Kong.
Finally I thought you should be made to appreciate the efforts I make in getting this blog posted every day. This is the telephone pole just outside my home where I’m forced to rewire my Internet connection on a daily basis because of my neighbors. They keep trying to illegally hook up to my feed and it’s a real battle at times. What’s life without a struggle or two?
Have a Wonderful Day!
The business of being a one-legged invalid continues. It’s been two weeks since the accident and I’m going out of my mind being trapped in this house. I’m spending a great deal of time surfing the net but even that wears on you after a while. I’m also sick and tired of hearing about Obama and Obamacare.
It’s always been said that you can tell how a politician or his programs are really doing just by listening to the late night comedians. For years that’s been a much more accurate way to gauge things than polling. Why spend hundreds of thousands of dollars a year of our hard earned tax dollars on polling when you all you really need to do is tune in and listen to Jay Leno’s monologues.
I loved Johnny Carson’s ability to slam and ridicule politicians with a grin on his face and his audience laughing their collective asses off. In some ways Leno and his writers are almost as good. They never miss an opportunity to cut through the administrations BS and get to the real point in a funny manner. To me and millions of others this Obamacare program isn’t the least bit funny but as a last resort I’ll take the truth anyway I can find it. Here’s a collection of some recent Jay Leno one-liners that explain Obama and Obamacare perfectly. They’re funny and sad at the same time.
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"The Obama White House website still says if you like your health plan, you can keep it. That’s false, of course. The president says they’re trying to correct it, but his website people can’t seem to log on."
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"President Obama said he is sorry that some Americans have lost their existing health coverage due to Obamacare. I think he’s getting a little desperate. Today he said if you like your complete lack of coverage, you can keep your complete lack of coverage."
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"President Obama’s approval rating is down to 39 percent. And Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, who admitted to smoking crack cocaine, went up to 49 percent. How does this make Obama feel? He’d be better off smoking crack than passing Obamacare."
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"According to CBS News, only six people enrolled in Obamacare on the first day of the rollout. Six! That means more people have walked on the moon than have signed up for Obamacare."
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"Con artists are using Obamacare confusion to sign people up for fake health insurance. The scammers lure victims with false promises like, ‘If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep your healthcare plan.’ The scammers will tell you that, so you have to be careful."
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"There was some good news today for embattled Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. Obamacare will cover all her injuries after the White House throws her under the bus. She is totally covered."
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"For years President Obama has been saying that no one would lose their healthcare plan. Now the White House has admitted that in fact many people will lose their plans. But there is a way to keep the great coverage you have. Just become a member of Congress. Then the taxpayers pay for the whole thing."
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"The White House now says the Obamacare website will be fixed by the end of November. So if your doctor has only given you three weeks to live, sorry pal."
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"Today there were more problems with the Obamacare website. It seems when you type in your age, it’s confusing because it’s not clear if they want the age you are right now, or the age you’ll be when you finally log in."
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"I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don’t think I’m doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold ‘Em."
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"According to a new report, more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it’s simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to."
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"We’ve got the government shutdown, but the beginning of Obamacare. You know what that means? You can now complain to your doctor about the government making you sick."
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"Before they went on vacation, Congress voted to exempt themselves from Obamacare. They gave themselves a special exemption because they thought it was too expensive. So the people who voted for Obamacare for us voted to exempt themselves from it. You know how doctors take the Hippocratic Oath. Congress apparently takes the ‘Hypocritic Oath.’"
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"The White House approved an exemption in Obamacare coverage for Congress and members of their staff. Members complained that the Affordable Care Act will cost them thousands extra a year in premiums. Wait a minute. It’s their bill. If it’s too expensive, why did they name it the Affordable Care Act?"
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"The Obama administration has admitted that under Obamacare, you might not be able to keep your doctor. At first the president guaranteed you’d be able to keep your doctor, and now they’re saying you ‘might’ be able to. Today Obama changed his slogan from ‘Yes we can’ to ‘Perhaps we could try. Can’t promise anything."
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"President Obama told a group of school children that broccoli was his favorite food, and they believed him. Then he told them Obamacare would reduce the deficit and the kids all busted out laughing."
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"This week will mark the 37th time House Republicans have tried to repeal Obamacare. If Republicans really wanted to do away with Obamacare they should just endorse it as a conservative non-profit and let the IRS take it down."
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"Congratulations to President Obama on being reelected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the Republicans. It seems that depression is covered by Obamacare."
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"If you’re an illegal immigrant in Arizona hoping to become a citizen so you can get free healthcare, this is the greatest week of your life."
You have to admit that hearing about one of the worst political nightmares to hit this country in decades is best done with humor. It’s way better than listening to me whine and cry and reiterate my feelings for this failed Presidency.
everyuselessthing.com 