Today I intended to further explore the use of the English language where names are concerned by talking about nicknames we humans insist on giving to our private parts.  The list of nicknames is endless but the main body parts targeted  normally for nicknames are the vagina, penis, and occasionally the breasts.  As a kid (age 7-11) and before my sex life truly existed my friends and I had already named our penises.  I have no idea why we did but it could have been as simple a reason as "because it was there".  Our fascination with our penises was intense at that age because if you must know it was the center of our young universe.  Unfortunately it still is.

Our little group of five perverts constantly discussed those things that were most important to us; our penises, girls, and that greatest mystery of all, sexual intercourse. We almost declared a national holiday when our buddy Frank reported at one of our private meetings in our secret hidden club house that he had what we later found out was his first orgasm.  He explained in great detail just what he’d done and how it felt.  We were all astounded by his description of the feelings he had but were somewhat confused by his report that nothing came out of his penis when he came.  We’d been told by the experts (our older friends) that there would be sperm. That discussion went on for another six months as were tried to figure out what Frank had done wrong. 

Eventually we were called to an emergency meeting at the clubhouse when Frank finally reported that some “white stuff” had finally appeared after he masturbated.  We did everything but declare him king of the effing world. We put him through the third degree until we were all satisfied he was giving us the absolute truth.

You should also know that during the next few months we were  all diligently practicing in the privacy of our homes trying to duplicate what Frank was reporting. Shortly after his report on the "white stuff" we as a group demanded he show us specifically how he did it.  We retired to his house and the five of us squeezed into his little bathroom where he began his demonstration.  He used a little soap on his hands and began to furiously masturbate.  He kept saying he was almost there as we waited patiently.  The mood was immediately broken when his mother threw the door open and caught him in the act and all of us watching.  Many of you can talk about your most awkward moments but this one was by far my worst.  My second worst moment was when I got home to find out that Frank’s mom had ratted us all out.  My mother was not happy.

Frank practically tore his penis off trying to put it away.  His poor mother was probably never quite the same again either.  Needless to say it took years before any of us could look her in the eye without turning a bright crimson.  We all learned two valuable lessons that fateful day. One, soap is our friend and two, lock the freaking door.

We learned never to do anymore sexual exploring at anyone’s home.  We confined our discussions and demonstrations to our club house where all of the best reading material (skin mags) was available for our use.  Later on as we grew more curious we invited one or two of the neighborhood girls to the club house for a few games of "show and tell".  There was no sexual activity just a very clinical study of their genitals and their study of ours.  It was around that time that my penis received his first nickname, I called him "Charlie".

I have to admit that years later after my sex life had been firmly established Charlie’s nicknames became much more interesting.  Charlie became confused at times because he was forced to suffer through a long list of really tacky names that he really didn’t care for. I never told any of my female sex partners that all of those silly name they insisted on calling him meant nothing to him or to me.  His real name was and always will be Charlie and all the sexual attention in the world from them and their vaginas could never change that.

I was thinking about listing a number of the more common genital nicknames in this posting but I thought this story would be more poignant and informative than a cold and unemotional list. Besides you men out there already know the most common nicknames currently in use. Unfortunately you women out there only think you know your man’s  actual name for his penis.