Archive for the ‘Sex’ Category
I’ve talked about “Fake News” in the past and it seems to be a current buzz word when talking about the politicians and media. What many people don’t realize is that fake news is nothing new. It’s been around forever. For years as I grew up, I accompanied my mother and two ex-wives on food shopping trips. While they were checking out, I had the misfortune of killing time reading some of the cheesy tabloids available at the registers. They were full of impossible news items which were funny as hell but hopefully only a fool would have thought any of them to be true. Here is a small collection of headlines from that era that will bring a smile to your face.
1993
BAT WITH A HUMAN FACE
TOWN ELECTS MIDGET POLICE CHIEF
BABY CATCHES BULLET WITH HIS GUMS
KID WITH 3 ARMS IS BASEBALL SENSATION
JUNK FOOD CAUSES TEENS TO WORSHIP THE DEVIL
MY WIFE’S GOST STILL COOKS, CLEAN & IRONS MY SHIRTS
HUMAN JELLYFISH SAYS RUB MY BELLY
WHALE EATERS UNITE
MAN KILLED BY FALLING BIBLE
SWORD SWALLOWER LAUGHED SO HARD HE SLIT HIS THROAT
GOLIATH’S SKULL FOUND IN HOLY LAND
STADIUM HAS SPECIAL AREA FOR NUDISTS
SECRET INGREDIENT IN NEW SKIN CREAM – GOBS OF HUMAN FAT
CHURCH COMMUNION CAN SPREAD AIDS
MAN GIVES GIRLFRIEND PERFUME MADE FROM HIS OWN SWEAT
THIS IS TRULY FAKE NEWS
THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOU WANTED TO KNOW
SEX
- It is illegal In Arizona for a secretary to be alone with his or her boss.
- In Oklahoma you must be married in order to have sex legally.
- It is illegal to kiss for more than 5 minutes In Iowa.
- In Indiana it is illegal to be in a state of sexual arousal in public.
- Talking dirty during sex is illegal in Oregon.
- In Arizona it is illegal to have more than two dildos in a household.
TRANSPORTATION
- The Lincoln Highway from New York to California was the first coast-to-coast highway in the United States. It opened for travel in 1913.
- The last model T Ford was produced on May 26, 1927.
- The first electric traffic light was installed in Cleveland Ohio in 1914.
- The first parking meter in the United States was installed in 1935.
- The first speed limit law in the United States was established in Connecticut in 1901. The limit for cars in cities was 10 miles per hour.
- The first mountain bikes were made in the United States in 1979 by Charles Kelly and Gary Fisher.
FOOD & DRINK
- Starbucks Coffee Company was named after Starbuck, a character in Moby Dick.
- The hot dog was invented by Charles Feltman in 1874.
- Hershey’s Kisses got their name because the machine that makes them looks like it’s kissing the conveyor belt.
- There are over 5900 Dairy Queens throughout the world.
- There are over 3000 varieties of tea.
- Cotton Candy made its debut in 1904 at the World’s Fair in St. Louis.
I TOLD YOU, YOU’D WANT TO KNOW
I haven’t posted too many limericks of late and I’m going to correct that immediately. After having two young grandsons visiting, I was once again made aware just how funny fart humor is. I’m not sure why but the young lads love talking about farts and farting. It started when they were around two years old, and it continues apace. With that in mind here are a few fart related limericks to make us all smile a little.
😮😮😮
There was an amazing old wizard
Who got a fierce pain in his gizzard.
So, he drank wind and snow
At some fifty-below,
And farted a forty-day blizzard.
🙃🙃🙃
Said a printer, pretending to wit:
“There are certain rude words we omit.
It would sully our art
To include the word fart,
And we seldom, if ever say shit.”
😆😆😆
There was a young man named McBride,
Who could fart any time that he tried.
In a contest he blew
Seven thousand and two,
But then shit and was disqualified.
😣😣😣
There was a young woman of Dexter,
Whose husband invariably vexed her,
For, whenever they’d start,
He’d persistently fart
With a blast that damn nearly de-sexed her!
A PERFECTLY SMELLY START TO YOUR WEEK
I’ve been an animal lover my entire life centering mainly on cats. I’ve had just about every animal you can think of from snakes to ferrets, guinea pigs, and many others. Since today is a slow Sunday, it’s rainy and gray, and I have two grandchildren coming to visit in a few hours, I won’t be able to get much accomplished once they arrive. Today’s post will be short and sweet. If you like or love animals here are a collection of odd facts which you might find interesting.
- Besides humans, the only animal it can stand on its head is the elephant.
- A newborn panda is smaller than a mouse.
- The heads of a freak two-headed snake will fight over food despite sharing the same stomach.
- The armadillo is the only animal apart from man that can catch leprosy.
- A giraffe can go without water longer than a camel.
- A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
- A donkey will sink in quicksand, but a mule won’t.
- Polar bears can smell a human being from 20 miles away.
- The world’s biggest frog is bigger than the world’s smallest antelope.
- Deer sleep only 5 minutes a day.
- Kangaroos can’t walk backward.
- It takes a male horse only 14 seconds to copulate.
- The normal temperature of a cat is 101.5°.
- Camel milk does not curdle.
- There are more goats than people in Somalia.
CAT’S RULE!!
And . . . HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVEY!
Since yesterday’s posting was all about people and how and when they lost their virginities, I thought today I would do a short but interesting look at the history of “kissing”. It was always among my favorite things and the older I got the higher up my list of favorite things it went.
- I guess we should start with the Garden of Eden and Adam. Scripture says that God breathed the “spirit of life” into him and it might explain why many religious ceremonies include kissing.
- A Canadian anthropologist demonstrated that 97% of women shut their eyes during a kiss but only 37% of men did.
- As with many things it seems the Romans got involved with kissing early on. A husband returning from work would kiss his wife on the lips to see if she’d been drinking during the day. The Romans had three different types of kisses: abasium, the kiss on the lips; osculum, a friendly kiss on the cheek, anduavium, the full mouth and tongue. Emperor Tiberius once banned the practice of kissing after an epidemic of lip sores.
- Kissing at one point was frowned upon because it had been used as a sign of betrayal by Judas Iscariot. He identified Jesus to his enemies in the garden of Gethsemane by kissing him.
- Kissing under the mistletoe is an English tradition and started with the kissing bough, which had mistletoe at its center. When the Christmas tree replaced the kissing bough, the mistletoe was salvaged.
- How and where you kiss used to be a sign of where you stood in the social pecking order. Equals kissed each other on the cheek. The lower you ranked to another person, the lower you had to kiss him. Thus, a slave would kiss his masters’ feet, and a prisoner not even allowed to do that. They were forced to kiss the ground near the foot.
- Alice Johnson, a 23-year-old American waitress, won a car in Santa Fe, New Mexico, after kissing it for 32 hours and 20 minutes in a 1994 competition. She loosened four teeth in the process.
- An American insurance company discovered that men were less likely to have a car accident on their way to work if they were kissed before they set off.
- In Sicily, members of the Mafia have stopped kissing each other because the way they kiss was a dead giveaway to the police, and mobsters were getting arrested.
- The first film kiss was in, appropriately enough, the 1896 movie The Kiss. The participants were John C. Rice and Mae Erwin.
- My last entry will give all of you a reason to kiss a little more often. Kissing can prevent illnesses. When you absorb other people’s saliva, you also receive their enzymes, which gives you their immunities like a kind of antibiotic. Unfortunately kissing can also pass on diseases too.
“YOU MUST REMEMBER THIS; A KISS IS JUST A KISS.”
Dooley Wilson in Casablanca
What’s a day without a load of trivial and useless information. If you want to know everything about celebrity’s losing their virginities this is the place to be today. In no particular order.
Jimi Hendrix – age 12
Johnny Depp – age 13
Clint Eastwood – age 14
David Duchovny – age 14
Bruce Willis – age 14
Michael Caine age 15
Charlie Sheen age 15
Madonna age 15
Victoria Beckham – age 17
Brad Pitt age 18
Leonardo DiCaprio – age 18
Brooke Shields – age 18
Mira Sorvino – age 20
Mariah Carey – age 23
Lisa Kudrow – age 31
I LOST MINE AT AGE 14 WITH SANDRA
I love reading limericks written in a totally different time and place. Today’s selection is from the war years in England. Even with all of the violence and mayhem going on they took time to maintain a sense of humor. Thank god for sex and it’s related activities, it’s all they had.
****
1941
There was a young lady named Nelly
Whose tits could be joggled like jelly.
They could tickle her twat,
Or be tied in a knot,
And they could even swat flies on her belly.
****
1943
There was a young man from Narragansett
Who colored his prick to enhance it.
But the girls were afraid
That ere they get laid
T’would lose all its color in transit
****
1945
A detective named Ellery Queen
Has olfactory powers so keen,
He can tell in a flash
By the scent of a gash
Who its previous tenant had been.
****
1941
19There was a young girl named Regina
Who called in a water diviner,
To play a slick trick
With his prick as a stick,
To help her locate her vagina.
****
KEEPING WAR TIME MORALE AS HIGH AS POSSIBLE
It’s officially Fall here in Maine. The temperature has fallen and the winter clothing and extra blankets have been unpacked. I’m sure there are snowblowers all over the state being readied for what is sure to be coming. If that doesn’t depress you a little then nothing will. Today’s post contains limericks written in the late sixties and early seventies and should be considered poetry of a sort. They’ve even been categorized to make it easier for me to choose. Today’s theme will be “Virgins”. Enjoy!
*****
There was a young girl named Anheuser
Who said that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.
*****
There was a young fellow name Gluck
Who found himself shit-out-of-luck.
Though he petted and wooed,
When he tried to get screwed
He found virgins just don’t give a fuck.
*****
There was a young fellow named Sweeney
Whose girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch of her snatch
Had a catch that would latch.
She could only be screwed by Houdini.
*****
A religious lassie named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed
She reverently said,
“I wish to be opened with prayer.”
*****
HAPPY MONDAY – HAVE A GREAT WEEK
I think many people have at least one phobia they must deal with. I’m claustrophobic and have been my entire life. Crowded stores and closed in spaces will make me more than a little crazy. That includes flying around the country in an enclosed metal tube on any airline. One of the more common phobias is coulrophobia which is a fear of clowns. I don’t fear them, but they sure make me a little uncomfortable. Today’s post includes many facts about that phobia and clowns in general. Read on all you clown haters.
- In a British survey of phobias, coulrophobia placed third, outranking common fears such as flying and heights.
- Experts attribute coulrophobia to the heavy makeup and exaggerated features of clowns, which can frighten young children.
- Others attribute coulrophobia to the prevalence of evil clowns in popular media, such as the child murdering Pennywise in Stephen King’s “It” and a clown doll that attacks a boy in Poltergeist.
- One of the worst serial killers in US history, John Wayne Gacy, entertained kids dressed as a clown.
- At one point some health activists wanted McDonald’s to drop Ronald McDonald as a mascot because he markets unhealthy food to children.
- Paul Kelly, son of famous clown Emmett Kelly Junior, was arrested in 1978 for the murders of two of his homosexual lovers. Kelly admitted to the slayings but listed his clown alter ego Willy as an accomplice.
- Famous celebrities who are known to fear clowns include Johnny Depp, Daniel Radcliffe, Billy Bob Thornton, and Sean Combs.
- Many experts point to obscure facial features as the most frightening aspect of clowns and relate this to masked or disfigured movie killers like Michael Myers in Halloween, Jason in the Friday the 13th movies and Freddy Krueger in the Nightmare on Elm Street.
- Coulrophobic Sean Combs has been known to include a “no clowns” clause in contracts even at the risk of being banned from his own shows.
- Coulrophobia can be treated with exposure therapy, which presents patients with photos and dolls of clowns to help them slowly work through their fears.
There you have it folks. Fear of clowns is more common than you thought. My biggest fear is that I walk into a small and confining space and then find a clown in there . . . run for your effing life.
WEAR A BIG RED NOSE TO WORK, I DARE YOU
It’s kind of a rainy day here in Maine. It’s gray and miserable which makes me feel even lazier than I normally do. With that thought in mind I thought I’d reach all the way back to the year 1984 for some retro riddles. As you read them keep remembering these were written in the 1980s which might help you put them into their proper context. Here we go . . .
- What’s the difference between a gigolo, a doctor, a Rabbi, a girlfriend and a Quaalude? A gigolo is a penis vendor, a doctor is a penis mender, a rabbi is a penis ender, a girlfriend is a penis tender, and a Quaalude is a penis bender.
- When did the madam realize that the guy with no arms and legs on the front porch of the brothel wasn’t fooling around? When she figured out how he rang the doorbell!
- What did the dentist say to the lady after she told him she’d rather have a baby then have a tooth pulled? “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair!”
- What did the German general do when he heard that Napoleon wore red into battle so his troops wouldn’t panic in the event he was wounded? He ordered a brown uniform!
- Why should you think twice before you marry a girl with hair down to her waist and boobs that stick out to here? Because in 10 years her boobs will be down to her waist and her hair will stick out to there!
- Why can’t a man win with his wife? Because if he comes home early, she accuses him of being horny. If he comes home late, she suspects that he’s been out getting some. And if he comes home on time, she figures he’s got it already!
- Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning? Because they don’t have testicles!
- What’s a liberated woman? A woman who has sex before marriage and a job afterwards!
- What’s the difference between a pig and a musician? A pig won’t stay up all night trying to fuck a musician!
- What’s a platonic relationship? A relationship between a guy who wants to have sex and a girl who doesn’t!
SMILE, IT’S ALMOST THE WEEKEND
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