Archive for the ‘Humor’ Tag
I have a lot of fun teasing my female readers but I hope they understand that it’s all done with my tongue firmly implanted in my cheek. I’m positive being a women is no bed of roses these days because almost every women I’ve ever known has spent a great deal of her time and mine telling me about it. I’m really very sympathetic to their plight but for the most part I have no easy answers or solutions for them.
Here are a few things I know would happen if I were suddenly turned into a warm, soft, built, attractive, and fire breathing woman with a man’s attitude and outlook on life. I suspect that slutiness would have a new poster girl. I’d find it extremely difficult to keep my panties on if I actually chose to wear any. I’d be like that famous women of yore who was known as a real "man eater". Married women would hate me, single women would envy me, and men would desire me. I’d give it up (if you know what I mean) at every opportunity much like General Robert E. Lee gave it up at Appomattox.
Like most women I’d refuse to admit my age and would do everything in my power to remain young looking and sexually active like good old Mae West did. One of her favorite quotes was "I’m not concerned about the men in my life, it’s the life in my men that worries me." That’s not an exact quote but you get the idea. After reading Mae’s quote I decided to search out a few more informative female quotes pertaining to aging and life as a senior. Here are a few quotes and short poems to help you ladies enjoy this posting even more.
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Please don’t retouch my wrinkles. It took me so long to earn them.
~ Anna Magnani
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You’re not 40, you’re eighteen with 22 years experience. ~Author Unknown
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After 30, a body has a mind of its own. ~ Bette Midler
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Getting old ain’t for sissies. ~ Betty Davis
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It’s sad to grow old, but nice to ripen. ~ Brigitte Bardot
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Forget about the past, you can’t change it.
Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one."
– Unknown
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Nature gives you the face you have at twenty, but it’s up to you to merit the face you have at fifty. ~ Coco Chanel
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The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you’ll grow out of it. ~ Doris Day
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We know we’re getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it. ~ Unknown
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I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart. ~ Unknown
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You’ve had many many birthdays,
Too many for me to mention,
But there’s still one or two more
Before you draw your pension.
~ Unknown
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Life has got to be lived – that’s all there is to it. At seventy, I would say the advantage is that you take life more calmly. You know that "this, too, shall pass!" ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
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Looking fifty is great–if you’re sixty. ~ Joan Rivers
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If you survive long enough, you’re revered-rather like an old building. ~ Katherine Hepburn
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The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. ~ Lucille Ball
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I like my bifocals,
my dentures fit me fine,
my hearing aid is perfect,
but Lord I miss my mind!
-Unknown
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do. ~ Phyllis Diller
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Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. ~ Unknown
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"They say that age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body." ~ Unknown
As for all of you men out there, don’t worry I’ll be sure to dedicate a posting only for our gender at some future time. I thought it was only proper to give the ladies their due after all the fun I’ve been having at their expense in recent weeks.
Yesterday’s posting was all about my misadventures in the land of female fantasies. I think I learned a little from some of the comments by my female readers and I appreciate that. I’m pretty sure none of the information will improve my sex life but I do feel a little smarter than I did yesterday. Today is a new day and my interest has changed into a discussion of why men feel fortunate to be men.
It makes no sense for me to try and create a list of men’s sexual fantasies. The list would be endless and as all of you women out there suspect many of the fantasies would be more than a little perverted. So my job today is to explain simply and unprevertedly (my new made up word) why we’re so happy to be men.
After cruising around the net today I found a few interesting sites that contained discussions and suggestions on the reasons why men are happy to be men. Some of the reasons are funny, some are stupid, some are ignorant, and in my humble opinion they’re all true. I’m sure most men will agree that the following list is closer to the truth than we’d like to admit. I found hundreds of reasons articulated by many intelligent and semi-intelligent people but eliminated pages full of the more stupid and senseless. I settled on these twenty to try and make my point. They are listed in no particular order of importance. Just finish this sentence:
WE LOVE BEING MEN BECAUSE . . . . . .
- The world is our urinal and we’re not afraid to use it.
- We can buy condoms without cashiers trying to picture us naked.
- We can rationalize any behavior with the phrase "Screw it."
- We require movie nudity to be female and frontal.
- A week long vacation requires only one suitcase.
- All of our orgasms are real.
- A beer gut doesn’t make us invisible to the opposite sex.
- We have the ability to pee alone.
- No one secretly wonders whether we swallow.
- We can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
- If we’re in our thirties and single, nobody notices or cares.
- We can write our name in the snow.
- We get to think about sex 90% of our waking hours.
- Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
- We don’t give a rat’s ass if anyone likes our hair.
- We can sit with our knees apart no matter what we’re wearing.
- We don’t have to leave the room to make a crotch adjustment.
- If we retain water, it’s in a alcoholic beverage.
- We’re never not in the mood for sex.
- Porn movies are designed with our mind in mind.
I’ll apologize now to all of you female readers. I actually feel bad for you because some of these reasons are pretty cool but you’ll never get to experience or appreciate them like we men do. You just need to remember that there are just as many pluses in being a woman as a man and I’m sure I could compile a pretty good list. I’ll give it a little more thought over the next few weeks and possibly come back with a list for you ladies.
I’d like to welcome you to the planet Mars, since I’m told that’s where men are from. This must be Mars and I’ll tell you why. As part of my never ending search for information to assist me in understanding the female animal I stumbled into the incredibly confusing world of women’s sexual fantasies. To say I was surprised at what I found would be an understatement. It seems that almost everyone has their opinions of what those fantasies are and aren’t shy about putting them out there.
I’m going to show you two top ten lists that claim to have the inside scoop on what women fantasize about. Both I suspect were written by men and they seem a little too good to be true. Here’s list number one:
1. Private Dancer (Striptease)
2. Exhibitionism
3. Force Fantasies
4. Voyeurism
5. Threesome With Two Men
6. Threesome With Another Woman
7. Sex With A Stranger
8. Teacher/Student (Spanking)
9. Domination (You Dominating Her)
10.Domination (Her Dominating You)
Now you understand why I thought I was on Mars. These sound all too familiar to what a list of men’s fantasies would be. I’ve dated a lot of women over the years and been involved in a few serious relationships but never was I made privy to the things on this list. I’ll admit I was made aware of a few of these items but no single women ever claimed ownership of them all. Some of those women were borderline crazy (in a good way) but at best they only rang the bell on six of these items. Now lets look at the second list.
1. Oh my virgin ears (Rape Fantasy)
2. Strap me on, I’m going in (Strap-on Penis)
3. Three-way w/Two Men.
4. Leave a Good Tip (Stripper)
5. I taw, I taw a putty tat (Sex w/woman and a Man Watching)
6. Being Sexually Dominated
7. Lay Me Out on Display (Exhibitionism)
8. Who’s Your Daddy? (Domination of a Man)
9. The More the Merrier (Group Sex)
10.Sex With a Stranger
This is very similar to the first list but in a slightly different order of importance. I’d like any of you women out there to confirm for me that this is even close to the truth. I’ve hoped and prayed that I’d find a women with a list like this my whole life. If most women feel this way then I may have just discovered how little I really knew for all these years. I could become clinically depressed and be forced into therapy if this is all true. Finding out that most women had better fantasies than I did would be devastating.
I’m going to stop writing now because I can feel the depression coming on.
I’d like to lighten things up today with a short discussion about some of my favorite things, limericks. I’ve been a huge fan from an early age and unfortunately I like my limericks as dirty as possible. I had an relative years ago who had a huge book of really filthy limericks which he would bring out a parties to read a few and get the place rocking a bit.
I’ve written my fair share of limericks and it’s actually a fun thing to do. There are literally hundreds of thousands of them out there and if you don’t find them funny as hell your really missing out.
I have some favorites but I would never attempt to blog them because my better-half would kill me. Fortunately there are so many others available in so many categories I hopefully can keep it somewhat clean. I make no promises because limericks are meant to be dirty. Here’s one I’ve been saving for my better-half’s daughter who just happens to be an middle school math teacher.
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‘Tis a favourite project of mine,
A new value of pi to assign.
I would fix it at 3,
For it’s simpler, you see,
Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9
Of course some limericks convey thoughts and comments about religion and the good and evil we all must learn to deal with.
I could put a few more of these boring limericks but let’s cut to the chase for a few sexually oriented ones.
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There was a Young Man from Kent
Whose Rod was so long it bent.
So to save himself trouble
He bent it in double,
And instead of coming, he went!
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An epileptic young woman named Camp
Was seduced on her couch by a tramp
But the first time he squeezed her
She had a Grand Mal seizure
And broke both his balls and a lamp.
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There was a young lady from Nizes
whose breasts were two different sizes.
One was so small
it was nothing at all,
but the other was huge and won prizes.
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There was a young lady named Hilda
Who went driving one night with a builda.
He said that he should
That he could and he would,
And he did and it pretty near killda.
Those were examples of a few mildly sexual limericks. I won’t be taking you any further down the limerick’s road to depravity today but possibly at a later date I’ll post a few of the more disgusting ones I’ve found. I’ll have to post them late at night from a darkened computer room to avoid complications with my somewhat prudish better-half.
Here are two I wrote this morning just to show you how easy it can be if you’d like to explore your creative side.
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There once was a man from Maine
To whom life seemed a mere game
He blogged and he blogged
Till his brain became clogged
With comments received from the lame
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Every Useless Thing is a fun blog
But the author’s been in a real fog
The writing comes easy
But at times can turn sleazy
Like having sex with a ‘ho’ and her dog
If I can stumble my way through the process then anyone can. Give it your best shot and make it as filthy as you’d like. Send it over and I’ll be sure to post it.
I’ve never had the opportunity to raise an infant and I think that’s why it fascinates me so much. I’ve been around infants a few times in my life but never for a long periods of time. I was always a little intimidated by babies because I had no clue how to approach them or care for them. They were more like little lumps of a person who couldn’t speak and in some cases couldn’t’ even focus their eyes. I won’t even get into the hazards of diaper changing and other cleanup chores.
When my ex-wife and I decided to adopt she was interested in adopting two sibling sisters under the age of six. I was thinking to myself, OMFG, what am I going to do. That adoption didn’t work out but luckily we later adopted a twelve year old boy. I breathed a huge sigh of relief and our life proceeded forward.
Many years have passed and at this late date I guess I’m making up for lost time. My better-half’s grandson who just turned six months old has become a huge part of my life. After watching his growth and development I can’t wait until he starts speaking. I can tell he already has things to say but just hasn’t figured out how yet. It won’t be long now and I’m actually looking forward to really meeting him for the first time with sound and words.
During my surfing on the net I found this collection of assorted quotations from kids under the age of six which made me smile. That’s what I like about young children, they speak their truth. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did. Just picture that cute little child standing in front of you with those innocent eyes and speaking the following:
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Dear God, I read the bible. What does "beget" mean? Nobody will tell me.
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The wind is like the air, only pushier.
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One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
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You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
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The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
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Lime is a green-tasting rock.
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Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils, while others preferred to be oil.
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Dear God, My brother told me how babies are born but it just doesn’t sound right. What do you say?
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Genetics explain why you look like your father, and if you don’t why you should.
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In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H’s as O’s.
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Clouds are high flying fogs.
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Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
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Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog’s tongue will kill the strongest man.
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Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go?
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A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
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I’m being haive! — 2 year old son, when his mother told him told to behave.
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Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. You can look it up.
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A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
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Dear God, Is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house?
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Daddy picked them up and looked underneath. I think it’s printed on the bottom. — 3 year old son, when his mother asked how his father knew the genders of four new baby kittens
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I had a fraction in my neck and had to go to the hospital for a long time.
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Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There’s nothing good there now.
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Mommy, you said it would be a shot; instead it was a needle!
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And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some email.
In another few months these types of statements and questions will become a part of my life and I pray to God I can come up with the proper answers. It could go either way.
Most people consider themselves to have a great sense of humor and so do I. I’m sarcastic to a fault with an extremely dry sense of humor. Some people like it, some people don’t, as in all things.
One of the first things I look for when I meet someone new is their sense of humor. Do they like to laugh? Are they quick witted and enjoy being kidded? That’s the difference between being my friend or just being an acquaintance. I’ve been told that making a decision on someone based solely on humor just isn’t fair. That’s probably true but that’s the way I do it. I’ve met really intelligent people who have no sense of humor at all. Is that how you would like to spend your time, with them? Not me.
Everyone thinks they have a sense of humor. That really smart guy who I just met and accused of having no sense of humor thinks he’s the funniest guy on the planet. That’s one of the reasons attending a comedy club amateur night can be so much fun. That smart guy will stand up, say a few so-called funny stories, and bomb terribly. While some drunken schmuck will get up and have the entire place in stitches almost immediately. As with beauty, humor is in the eye of the beholder.
Here’s a collection of so-called humorous quotations by so-called celebrities. You be the judge on who’s funny and who’s not.
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“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”
― Chris Rock
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“I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”
― Woody Allen
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“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There’s just something about you that pisses me off.”
― Stephen King
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“It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
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“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.”
― Dr. Seuss
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“My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”
― Winston Churchill
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“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
― George Burns
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“Mom says it’s because she has PMS.
Do you even know what that means?
"I’m not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome”
― Nicholas Sparks
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“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
― Steven Wright
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“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
― Steve Martin
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“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
― Robert A. Heinlein
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“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
― Woody Allen
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“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
― Groucho Marx
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“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
― W.C. Fields
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“Ever notice how ‘What the hell’ is always the right answer?”
― Marilyn Monroe
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“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
― Albert Einstein
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“There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”
― Oscar Levant
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“Life’s hard. It’s even harder when you’re stupid.”
― John Wayne
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“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.”
― Albert Einstein
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“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.”
― Groucho Marx
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“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”
― Billy Sunday
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“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
― Mark Twain
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“I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.”
― Jane Austen
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“I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.”
― Mae West
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“Happiness is a warm puppy.”
― Charles M. Schulz
Are all of these quotations funny, not really, but the person making them thinks they are. It just goes to show that a well developed sense of humor can change people’s perception of you one way or another. Good, bad, indifferent, what does it matter, at least they’ve noticed you and you’ve made an impression. That’s the first step to a possible life long friendship.
I was just sitting here today preparing to write a post and became distracted and sidetracked when I began to mentally list a number of things that annoy me. I enjoy "free association" as a means of clearing my head because it’s like wiping my mental blackboard so I can restart with a fresh train of thought. I recorded that list for some unknown reason and thought I’d share it with you. It could just as easily be called a list of Things I Hate but I like to save my hatred for people and things that really deserve it. So this list is officially Things That Annoy Me in no particular order of importance and exactly as I recorded them.
People who constantly talk over me
People who answer a question with a question
Pop-up ads
Taking a dump in a public restroom
People who don’t get sarcasm
Tyra Banks
Fake handicap spot parkers
OBX stickers
Street performers
White people with dreadlocks
There’s the first ten. I see nothing too startling there and can only assume most of you would agree with me that these things are annoying. Moving right along.
Chatty Customer Service people who won’t shut up
Authority of any kind
Wannabe gangsta idiots
Finally being in bed and realizing you forgot to turn off the lights
Obama
Rappers
Country music
Toddlers & Tiaras
Game requests on Facebook
Pedophiles
Are you still with me? Have any of these struck a chord with you? I would hate to think that many of these items really don”t bother other people because that would then make me something of an oddball. Let’s keep going.
Anything Kardashian
People talking while blocking a grocery store aisle
People who don’t thank you after you hold a door for them
People who start panicking by slamming an imaginary brake in you car
Soccer
People that don’t do their job
Foreign people that make fun of America
When people make a movie out of a book and screw it up
No Wi-Fi
People who correct me
It’s amazing to me just how many things that occur everyday can be so bothersome. Have we become so numb to this continuous stream of annoyance that we are now desensitized to it? I sometimes think that’s true. Here are my final ten. I stopped after fifty because I was becoming bored with this whole thing. Maybe I can make your list as “Someone who is boring and annoying”.” That would be ironic and yes really annoying, a two-fer.
People who are skinny and on a diet
Funerals
Wet or gooey door knobs
Slow Internet
People that call Soccer football
Clowns
Liars
People using text abbreviations out loud
Hostesses who ask “Would you like a table?”
Projectile vomiting
This list could go on and on but I think my point’s been made. Now my mind is clear and I’m ready to face the day refreshed and less aggravated. I wonder just how long it will take for something new to annoy me so I can start working on my next list of fifty.
Today is Ladies Day here at Everyuselessthing. I know In the past I’ve had a lot of fun with you ladies out there but I’d like to get a little more serious today. During my normal cruising around the net I discovered that today is what most women would consider a very special day. I think it’s only fair that the women in this country have more than one day like Mother’s Day to celebrate their femininity. With that in mind I’m sending out good wishes to all of my female readers and a big HAPPY INTERNATIONAL TIARA DAY. I’ve included the following blurb I discovered which explains the origins of this observance and who to blame. I’m sorry, that must have sounded a little catty and I apologize.
I was surprised a little to discover that’s it’s an "International" observance. For some reason I thought that this could only be an American thing. I guess I should have realized that you women folk all would love to have and wear a tiara regardless of what country you live in. As the article explains this observance was created to help every women feel like a princess. How sweet and somewhat disturbing is that?
So before all of you ladies race off to your local Tiara’s "R" Us, please read along to learn the history of this special, special day, International Tiara Day.
The first International Tiara Day was held on May 24th, 2005 in conjunction with Barbara Bellissimo’s Seasons of Success. In 2009 Lynanne White of American Rose Bridal along with a few of her employees decided everyone should be able to wear a tiara, not just brides. Lynanne researched to see if there was a tiara day. After contacting and receiving permission from Barbara, Lynanne took over International Tiara Day in hopes of helping all women feel like a princess. Lynanne thought May 24th was an appropriate day since it was Queen Victoria’s birthday. We hope to continue this tradition every year. Please help us spread the word.
Now that I’ve properly informed my female readers about this previously unpublicized day it’s back to blog business. I love listing new followers to this blog along with my special thanks. Spending time surfing through their blogs is in my opinion time well spent. They contain a lot of interesting information and diverse writing styles. Check them out and enjoy them as I do.
Thanks to: meganlbarr, Glenn Folkes, Kendall F. Person, thepublicblogger, sunnysleevez, ArchangelTravels, Cristian Mihai, taylor oceans, Michael Armstrong, Sorina M, Daniel Gonzalez, Ashley, The Overstand Podcast, jamesrevelsthecomposer, immodiumabuser, The CoF, talin401, kirstywirsty, Spy Garden, SipofFashion, and dasitton309.
Oh yeah, HAPPY BIRTHDAY VICTORIA.
I started out today writing a post on political polling. Upon completion I reread it and found myself bored to actual tears. I may post it in the future but every time I write about politics or politicians I feel kinda dirty. Someday soon when I’m having one of those “I hate politicians” days I’ll post it. Today I feel like passing along a few more items of totally useless information to help make your lives richer and fuller. Here we go.
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Too much coffee can kill you. A lethal dose for an average adult is around 10 grams. That’s the equivalent of drinking between fifty and two hundred cups in rapid succession.
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Malaria mosquitos are attracted to ripe Limburger cheese and smelly feet.
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Members of the U.S. Congress are the highest paid legislators in the world.
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Toilet paper was invented by the Chinese. In 1391 they produced 720,000 sheets a year for exclusive use of the emperor. Each sheet measured 2 feet by three feet.
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Disney World in Orlando covers 30,400 acres or 46 square miles. That’s twice the size of Manhattan.
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A cockroaches brain is spread throughout it’s body., If you chop off the head, it can still live up to a week. It finally dies because it can’t eat.
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You can get cooties. Cooties are lice.
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Mosquito repellant does not repel mosquitos. It blocks their sensors so they don’t know your there.
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Poison ivy is a member of the cashew family of plants that supplies us with cashews and pistachio nuts.
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Charlie Chaplin once lost a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest. He didn’t even make it to the finals.
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Artists have more sexual partners.
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The Puritan’s bought beer to America.
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Antarctica is the only continent without owls.
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A ten gallon hat only holds three-quarters of a gallon.
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The first film version of Frankenstein was a fifteen minute silent produced by Thomas Edison.
Well there you have it. I saved you all from a boring political rant and offered up this collection of incredible information at the same time. We do live in miraculous times, don’t we? I’m out the door and on my way in five minutes so ending this right now is necessary. Consider it ended.
I’ve been very critical over the years with people spending their entire lives trying to become famous. That relentless search for their fifteen minutes of fame becomes an obsession and usually causes them more problems than actual fame in it’s pursuit. To our society becoming famous or even knowing someone famous is all that’s important.
Reality shows have given a great many people their fifteen minutes and in most cases we all regret it. The Jersey Shore, Swamp People, Teen Moms, just to mention a few. These people acquired fame and fortune for no apparent good reason. They’re just a by-product of our obsession with anything that can be sensationalized or celebrity related.
I’ve never been someone who searched out fame or notoriety but now I’m thinking I might have missed the boat. I decided to do a little research into how I could become famous. On a website I won’t mention I found this top ten list of things to do to become famous. I tried working my way through the list but I had many difficulties and it now appears that fame and fortune will continue to elude me. Here’s what I found.
Make a Sex Tape – I really gave this my best efforts but something seemed to be missing. Finding a partner to make the tape became the entire issue. Finally I discovered a local homeless women who would do anything for food. We made the tape and sent it out to the media. They all were returned unopened and the cost for my treatment of this STD was enormous.
Get Your Own Reality Show – I couldn’t find anyone interested in the life and times of a retiree. I was told to call them back if I ever fathered a child with anyone under the age of sixteen. I could then be a spin off of Teen Moms but only if I had an accompanying physical deformity.
Date Someone Famous – I wrote really intimate and interesting letters to my top twenty celebrities begging for some quality time and a few photo ops to get the attention of the paparazzi. I received back twenty attorney letters threatening protection orders if I didn’t desist.
Release a Pop Single – This may have been the worst day of my life. I discovered that my ability to RAP was limited and that most promoters thought I was way too old and way too white.
Go to Rehab - I checked myself into rehab. Rehab in Maine is inexpensive. My addiction to potato chips just wasn’t juicy enough to make the nightly news.
Claim to Be a Bisexual – I made this claim but for it to be taken seriously I needed a partner. I was turned down so many times I began to feel really bad about myself. I may be forced into therapy because my delicate ego was severely bruised.
Find Some Famous Friends – The only people I know who are famous are incarcerated in some of Maine’s finest jails. I interviewed thousands of criminals over the years and now they’re lining up to be my buddy.
Weight Loss – I’ve been trying to accomplish weight loss for years. It’s never worked very well before so I don’t anticipate it improving now. I was asked to leave the building at Jenny Craig because I just wasn’t famous enough or pretty enough to appear in their commercials. I wasn’t happy being slammed for my lack of fame but everyone knows I’m pretty enough.
Get or Remove a Tattoo – This was a total waste of my time. My better-half made it abundantly clear that no additional tattoo’s were permitted and we certainly weren’t going to spend our hard earned money to remove any.
Sell Your Wedding or Baby Pictures – I tried selling my pictures but I had no takers. Every media outlet returned them with some less than flattering comments. Even members of my own family sent them back with a "No Thanks" note attached.
I guess I’m screwed. No fame or fortune in my future. No photos with the Kardasian’s, no paparazzi chasing me around, no quality time with Lindsey Lohan or dates with her mother. My life sucks.
everyuselessthing.com 